Anxiously Jokes

Following is our collection of cautiously humor and longingly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anxiously puns for adults, dirty eagerly jokes or clean dejectedly gags for kids.

There is an abundance of impatiently jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 22 funniest jokes on anxiously. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any husband witze you can hear about anxiously.

The Best jokes about Anxiously

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

Graveyard shortcut

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.

Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"

The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."

A woman is pregnant with twins.

A woman is pregnant with twins. During her last month of pregnancy, she falls into a coma. When she wakes up, the doctor tells her that she had a girl and a boy, and that her brother claimed them until she came to. Immediately, she panics at the thought of her brother supervising her newborns.

"What did he name them?" She asks anxiously.

"He named the girl Denise", the doctor says.

That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. "What did he name my son?"

"Denephew."

Three guys are in a hospital waiting room

Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!"

Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Your wife was carrying triplets, and they are all healthy...two boys and a girl!" The man is thrilled. "Triplets! Imagine that! Wow, two boys and a girl! You know what's funny, though; I work for 3M, so that's kind of a coincidence!"

The third man then suddenly reaches for his coat and starts to head for the exit. Confused, the nurse says, "Wait a minute! Your wife is in labor...don't you want to stay and be with her??" The guy replies, "No way. Forget it. I'm outta here. I'm a truck driver for 7up!"

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"


A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

THE EXPLANATION

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
(your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing
trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife
Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable,
the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There
is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ....
She never got your E-mail!"

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good grief,' he thought.

He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.

As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

Higgs Boson walks into a church during Sunday services...

...and the priest immediately stops preaching and says "We dont like your kind around here. You are not welcome in this church.". The whole church, already silent, waits anxiously when Higgs replies "Why not? You can't have mass without me!"

A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.

He picks it up,

Matthew, are you driving home from work?

Yes! At least I'm trying!

Well be careful out there. There's some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.

Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"


A marriage in trouble

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"

Knock Knock

A man is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. Begrudgingly, he hits pause on the remote and makes his way to the door. Once at the door, he hears a woman's voice from outside.
Woman: Knock knock!
Man: Who's there?
Woman: Cliffhanger.
Man: Cliffhanger who?
The man stood at the door for hours, anxiously awaiting a response, but there was none.

Mr. Schwitzheimer goes to meet his new son in law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?



"I study the Torah," he replies.



"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"



"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."



"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwitzheimer.



"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."



Mr. Schwitzheimer goes home and his wife anxiously asks what Sol is like.



"Well," says Mr. Schwitzheimer, "he's a lovely boy--I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!"

The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure, it was just the same with our Pancake!"

A reverend assembles the whole neighborhood for a meeting. After everyone has sat anxiously, he says "You are probably wondering what I'm going to be speaking on"

"Im going to be speaking on a stage."

A man is sitting in the doctor's office...

A man is anxiously waiting in the doctor's office.

When the doctor arrives, he looks at the patient's chart and says " Sir, you need to stop masturbating".

Confused the man asks "why?"

The doctor replies..."I need to examine you".

The week before senior prom the two young lovers anxiously planned the consummation of their love. Even though they had just met they knew it was right.

Tammy was going to secure the hotel reservation
and set up the alibi so that neither's parents
would know. Jimmy was given the unenviable
task of purchasing condoms. Having no idea
what he was doing he enlisted the help of the
man at the counter who advised him that a
package of 12 would be best.
Prom night began with dinner at Tammy's house.
After Grace was said and the dinner blessed
Jimmy's head remained bowed with his face in
his hands. When the pause became
uncomfortable Tammy leaned in and whispered
"I had no idea that you were so religious" to
which he replied:
"I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
[edit] format for mobile
[edit] I thought the post was funny and now I think comments are...

A black piece of tarmac is having a quiet drink at the pub...

...when the door bursts open and a red piece of tarmac comes storming in loud and aggressively.

The piece of black tarmac turns to the barman anxiously: *"Don't even think about serving him!"*

*"Why not?"*, the barman asks.

*"Isn't it obvious? He's a freaking cycle path!"*


SWEETIE I HAVE A SURPRISE

Tom and Mary were walking in the woods. It was dark. Mary looked anxiously over at Tom. Something was wrong.

« Tom, are you okay?? »
« I'm fine, just walk. »

Tom's voice was aggressive and he clenched his fists. Turning away from her, he sighed; Mary saw a cold metallic object in his left hand. Tom looked back at her with a mad glint in his eye, and Mary reeled back. Something was up. She stepped back. He stepped forwards. Both were anxious and on edge.

Tom lunged towards Mary, lifting the glaring metal until it grazed her hand. Tom was on one knee. Tom had proposed to Mary.

I was diagnosed with cancer today.

Anxiously, I asked the doctor if I needed a chemo. "No worries," he calmed me down, "it's terminal."

A thirsty vampire is walking along in a deserted town...

when he sees another vampire with blood all over his mouth and yells:
"Hey! where did you get that blood?!!"
The other vampire replies:
"See that traffic light over there?"
"Yes I do!" he exclaims anxiously
"Well, I didn't" says the other vampire

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes