Anxious Jokes

Following is our collection of anxiously humor and anticipation one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anxious puns for adults, dirty procedure jokes or clean anxiety gags for kids.

There is an abundance of distraught jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on anxious. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any uneasy witze you can hear about anxious.

The Best jokes about Anxious

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?

No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.

Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,

She said Look in the garage.

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...

He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.

Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"

His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.

Nobody came.

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.


Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."

There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."

"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"

"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us.

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here.

A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,

Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"

Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when

Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter.

Others:- Why did you do that?

Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country

Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out

Others :- Why?

Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequila in our country.

Donald Trump being anxious, throws Enrique Peña Nieto and exclaims"Too many Mexicans!"


A man walks into a bar with his dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

Two old ladies are in a car...

They're driving down the street when suddenly they pass a red light.

Dorothy, who's sitting in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'oh well, Matilda is getting pretty old and her vision isn't what it used to be. She probably didn't see that red light, happens to everyone."

They drive a little bit more and pass another red light. Dorothy is thinking to herself, "alright two red lights is no coincidence.. maybe I should say something.. well better not, Matilda always gets anxious when I comment on her driving"

So they continue on driving when they go through a third red light. This time Dorothy speaks up and says, "Matilda! what's going on?! that's the third red light you've gone through!!" and Matilda answers:

"Oh, am I driving?"

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.

'He said you're going to die soon'...

Red head

Anxious new father: "Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried... Both my wife and I have black hair but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny had been going on?"

Doctor: "Not necessarily, how many times do you have sex?"

Father: "About 5 times a year"

Doctor: "Well there's your answer then, you're just a little rusty"

A newly married couple is anxious about their honeymoon...

The husband and the wife are both virgins, and come from very conservative families.

On their first night together, they uncomfortably undress in front of each other and lay in bed.

Not knowing what to do or where to start, the husband calls his mother for advice.

The mother says that they should snuggle, and that things should happen from there.

The couple does this, but nothing happens.

The husband calls his mother again. She gets frustrated and says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and put it in her hairiest spot!"

The husband is quiet for a moment, then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"

I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

Impatience

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!


A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.

She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."

Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"

The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."

The woman begins to cry.

"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"

"About a month," he replies.

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.

The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"

Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"

Billy's father picked him up from school. He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.

Billy replied, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."

Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A man is very worried about the future...

Anxious with fright, he visits the village soothsayer and asks him what the future holds.

''Hold your hand out for me.''

The man does as requested and the soothsayer looks at the hand, the shapes and patterns intriguing him. A bit cautiously he says ''Your mother in law will die very soon.''

''I know that already! Just tell me if the police will able to catch me or not!''

(I was watching an Afghan comedy show and this joke came up! :)

Why is the brain always anxious?

It's part of the nervous system.

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

Going to a church potluck...

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."

Patty O'Mally

So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a parking space so I can getto this meeting on time, please please help me! If you help me, I will do anything, in fact I promise to always go to church every Sunday and I swear to quit drinking Irish whiskey for the rest of me days." As he finished his devout prayer, lo and behold, a parking space opens up. Patty quickly takes the spot and shouts to Heaven, "Never mind Lord, I found a space!"

If your'e anxious and you know it.....

...clasp your hands.

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her teacher had said that, so she probed, "Is that *exactly* what he said?"

"Well, no, but that is what he meant."

The girl insisted, "Tell me the exact words he used."

"Well, his exact words were, 'That was an unearthly noise!' "

Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?

Because they're too high-strung.

Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.

Are you my homework?

Because you make me anxious and I won't try to do you until its far, far too late.

In honor of Lent . . .

It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

The other day I went to get my eyes tested.

I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.


'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked


The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'

What did the anxious elephant say when it saw poachers?

"Ivory"

Starting tomorrow I'm gonna stop being a depressed, anxious teenager.

That's right, I'm turning 20!

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

Why did the anxious guitarist quit the band?

He didn't want to fret anymore.

This World Series game has me feeling super anxious.

It's a heart attack on a plate.

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's mentioned in my will, HELLO RICKY - I didn't forget to mention your name, did I?"

A Very Anxious Scout Was Tying Together Some Stuff

But he couldn't keep it together.

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.

God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.

All three friends begin to feel anxious.

God: Who was the first man on Earth?

Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

God: who was the first woman on Earth?

Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve.

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these questions were easy.

God: what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?

Friend 3: ooh... that's a hard one

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

Why is an extremely anxious women a chuck?

Because the chick has passed tense.

On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...

But this time it hits something.

The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.

Curiosity killed a cat

Did you hear about the anxious gynaecologist?

...He got in a flap.

My 5 year old always begs me to take her to the dog park...

She loves playing with them and giving them treats. But the whole time I'm filled with dread. My hands start sweating. I feel anxious and nauseous. That despite her laughter and joy my whole day will be utterly ruined. I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD.

Pooon Tennis Shoe Disorder

What equestrian sport do anxious horses partake in?

stressage

Who made King Arthur very anxious?

Sir Prise!

My dad's kinda racist. He gets anxious around people south of the USA. You outta see what happens when they get close.

He has Hispanic attacks.

I get anxious when I watch Game of Thrones with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don't hear them.

My dad tonight at dinner. Thought I would share.

My sister was in a hurry to get to a hockey game and was anxious to eat supper.

Sister: We better get eatin' soon.

Dad: I hope not, we still have food to eat.

Sister: *Blank stare*

tl;dr: Eaten vs eating

I told my therapist I felt anxious.

He called me a hypochondriac.

Why was the Nail anxious?

Because he was worried he was gonna get screwed

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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