Howlingly Hilarious Anxious Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
In honor of Lent . . .
It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"
If your'e anxious and you know it.....
...clasp your hands.
Going to a church potluck...
A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.
"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."
His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"
"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."
Did you hear about the anxious gynaecologist?
...He got in a flap.
Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?
Because they're too high-strung.
Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.
A man is very worried about the future...
Anxious with fright, he visits the village soothsayer and asks him what the future holds.
''Hold your hand out for me.''
The man does as requested and the soothsayer looks at the hand, the shapes and patterns intriguing him. A bit cautiously he says ''Your mother in law will die very soon.''
''I know that already! Just tell me if the police will able to catch me or not!''
(I was watching an Afghan comedy show and this joke came up! :)
My dad tonight at dinner. Thought I would share.
My sister was in a hurry to get to a hockey game and was anxious to eat supper.
Sister: We better get eatin' soon.
Dad: I hope not, we still have food to eat.
Sister: *Blank stare*
tl;dr: Eaten vs eating
So it's game night at a social group.
The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose?
They chose "Sorry!".
Awesome Reporting of the Accident
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...
He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.
Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"
His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"
Why is the brain always anxious?
It's part of the nervous system.
You can explore anxious anxiously reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean anxious procedure dad jokes. There are also anxious puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My dad's kinda racist. He gets anxious around people south of the USA. You outta see what happens when they get close.
He has Hispanic attacks.
Wife is in hospital with unknown condition
So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.
'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.
Husband nods and goes back to his wife.
'Honey, what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.
'He said you're going to die soon'...
Jose and the Game.
Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
I got caught smuggling insects
I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.
Are you my homework?
Because you make me anxious and I won't try to do you until its far, far too late.
I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,
...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.
What equestrian sport do anxious horses partake in?
stressage
A tree with anxiety.
A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.
"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."
"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"
The tree smiles, "Releaved!""
I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.
Nobody came.
What did the anxious elephant say when it saw poachers?
"Ivory"
Why did the anxious guitarist quit the band?
He didn't want to fret anymore.
This World Series game has me feeling super anxious.
It's a heart attack on a plate.
A Very Anxious Scout Was Tying Together Some Stuff
But he couldn't keep it together.
Starting tomorrow I'm gonna stop being a depressed, anxious teenager.
That's right, I'm turning 20!
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
Billy's father picked him up from school. He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.
Billy replied, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."
I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.
So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.
Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when
Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter.
Others:- Why did you do that?
Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country
Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out
Others :- Why?
Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequila in our country.
Donald Trump being anxious, throws Enrique Peña Nieto and exclaims"Too many Mexicans!"
The other day I went to get my eyes tested.
I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.
'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked
The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'
Who made King Arthur very anxious?
Sir Prise!
Why was the Nail anxious?
Because he was worried he was gonna get screwed
I get anxious when I watch Game of Thrones with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don't hear them.
I told my therapist I felt anxious.
He called me a hypochondriac.
Red head
Anxious new father: "Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried... Both my wife and I have black hair but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny had been going on?"
Doctor: "Not necessarily, how many times do you have sex?"
Father: "About 5 times a year"
Doctor: "Well there's your answer then, you're just a little rusty"
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."
On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...
But this time it hits something.
The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.
Curiosity killed a cat
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?
No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
My 5 year old always begs me to take her to the dog park...
She loves playing with them and giving them treats. But the whole time I'm filled with dread. My hands start sweating. I feel anxious and nauseous. That despite her laughter and joy my whole day will be utterly ruined. I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
Pooon Tennis Shoe Disorder
I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.
Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.
After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.
"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.
"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.
Right here in the second page your uncle says:
"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's mentioned in my will, HELLO RICKY - I didn't forget to mention your name, did I?"
Why is an extremely anxious women a chuck?
Because the chick has passed tense.
So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today
I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it
I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser
Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.
I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.
I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them right out of the box.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
What do you call a group of anxious dinosaurs?
Nervous Rex
Why are smart people socially anxious?
Because they have a strong nervous system.
I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards.
Then I learned to deal with it.
Tunnel love
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
Shucks, the boy said, it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.
How come? asked a friend. Did the boat leak?
The kid looked amazed. There's a boat?
What is the Funniest soviet joke?
What is the Funniest soviet joke?
An old man was scattered on the sidewalk and accidentally fell into the river beside the road, shouting for help! The two policemen heard it, turned a blind eye, and continued to talk and laugh as they walked. The old man became anxious and shouted "Down with Brezhnev"! When the two policemen heard this, they jumped into the river and dragged the old man ashore to handcuff him.
Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?
Because her husband was always making a scene.
Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed
That's when he's most likely to elf harm.
