Antique Jokes

Discover hilarious antique jokes from antiquity to today. These jokes touch on all sorts of antique topics from cars and dealers to roads shows and tractors. Explore a collection of the oldest, funniest jokes passed down over generations about heirlooms and ancient artifacts.

Hilarious Antique Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

My friend just told me, Going to antique stores is gay.

I said, No. It makes you buy curios.

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

Yet another genie in the lamp joke

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?

He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.

Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,

Proud Mary keep on burning,



Roland on the River!

jokes about antique

You're walking down the street when you find an old antique lamp. You give it a shine, and a robotic genie pops out. What do you do?

You mech a wish

What does the rest of the colony call an old ant?

An antique.

How many hipsters dose it take to change a light bulb?

A: None they have a guy for that comes on Tuesdays only uses reproductions of antique bulbs

Antique joke, How many hipsters dose it take to change a light bulb?

I just bought an antique clock with missing hands.

I think it's a timeless treasure.

What do you call.....

What do you call dead black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment!

Some friends, a lesbian couple...

bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said "I wanna watch".

My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.

What do you call 200 black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment.

You can explore antique olde reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean antique marble dad jokes. There are also antique puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

Do you know anything about antiques?

Cause I found a tampon in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.

What do you call a black guy in a museum?

Antique farm equipment

One of my most prized possessions is an antique globe,

it means the world to me.

Antique joke, One of my most prized possessions is an antique globe,

You know you're old when you walk into a antique store

And they start bidding on you.

Your mama's so dumb ...

... she walked into the antique store and asked, "What's new?"

What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares

pewter pan

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.

He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

What do you call an old ant?

An antique

Yo mama so stupid

She went to an antique store and said what's new?

I bought an antique and rare yo-yo and promised myself that I wouldn't use it

But that quickly got out of hand.

Why was the antique dealer considered a prostitute?

She was selling one night stand

Antique joke, Why was the antique dealer considered a prostitute?


So my dad just bought an wooden table today. He said it's very old and it might even be an anteak.

What's the worst part about visiting the grandparents?

The only thing to watch is antique robeshow.

What do you call the corpses of slaves from the 1700s?

Antique farm equipment

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

Shittiest pun ive ever heard fml

What do you call a really old ant, an ANTique

What do you get when u age an ant?

An antique!

A friend bequeathed to me an antique watch

I really hope it's not a wind up.

I accidentally ran into a guy that once sold me an antique globe.

It's a small world.

I ran into the guy that sold me an antique globe a few years ago...

It's a small world

Hitler finds an antique oil lamp. He rubs it, a genie pops out and grants him one wish.

"Only one wish, you scrooge? Go back to your lamp and light it!"

I recently bumped into the guy who sold me an antique globe.

It's a small world.

My mother doesn't say much, but she always looks on the bright side

They say "it's cold", she says "...or fresh"

They say "it's old" , she says "...or antique"

They say "it's over" , she says "...or beginning"

They say "your son is a bit weird" , she says "...or tissed"

whatever that means.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

What do my dad and an antique door have in common?

They're both worth more than they used to be, even though they're unhinged and their knobs don't work.

Ten years ago bought a rare antique flute for $1,000...

It was a sound investment.

What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation

Hair loom.

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

I have a friend who writes ballads about antique sewing machines...

He's a Singer songwriter it seams...

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.

Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

Guy walks into an antique shop

And asks "what's new?"

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!

The communist said:


Its Hourglass

I walked into the antique shop

And I asked the clerk, what's new?

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

Mary and Jane are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

A knight

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. He notices a full suit of armor standing on display by the bar. "Where did you get that?" the guy asks the bartender. "I picked it up at an antique store downtown," the bartender says. "It only cost $2,500." "Geez, all that money for a knight?" the guy exclaims. "Oh, no," the bartender hastens to reassure him. "You get to keep it forever."

I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment.

It's a family hairloom.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the antique antique roadshow puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working antique antique dealer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes