Antique Jokes
65 antique jokes and hilarious antique puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about antique that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious antique jokes from antiquity to today. These jokes touch on all sorts of antique topics from cars and dealers to roads shows and tractors. Explore a collection of the oldest, funniest jokes passed down over generations about heirlooms and ancient artifacts.
Funniest Antique Short Jokes
Short antique jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The antique humour may include short vintage jokes also.
- My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
- So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
- My friend just told me, Going to antique stores is gay. I said, No. It makes you buy curios.
- A communist and his friend walk into an antique store His friend said:
Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!
The communist said:
no
Its Hourglass - Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique store? It was a knick knack paddywhack!
- You know you're getting old when when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Happy Cake Day to me! - When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.
- What do my dad and an antique door have in common? They're both worth more than they used to be, even though they're unhinged and their knobs don't work.
- I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth. Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.
Share These Antique Jokes With Friends
Antique One Liners
Which antique one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with antique? I can suggest the ones about ancient and old car.
- I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment. It's a family hairloom.
- What do you call an old ant? An antique
- What do you call a connoisseur of ancient humor? Antique-witty
- I walked into the antique shop And I asked the clerk, what's new?
- I just bought an antique clock with missing hands. I think it's a timeless treasure.
- You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store. They have a mummy-back guarantee!
- Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule Dubreak, Dubai.
- What do you call the corpses of slaves from the 1700s? Antique farm equipment
- You know you're old when you walk into a antique store And they start bidding on you.
- What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares pewter pan
- What's an ants favourite collectible item Antiques
- One of my most prized possessions is an antique globe, it means the world to me.
- Ten years ago bought a rare antique flute for $1,000... It was a sound investment.
- I accidentally ran into a guy that once sold me an antique globe. It's a small world.
- A friend bequeathed to me an antique watch I really hope it's not a wind up.
Antique Dealer Jokes
Here is a list of funny antique dealer jokes and even better antique dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad wants me to help him buy a tablet, but I'm not gonna do it. There's no way I'm getting tangled up with these black-market antiquities dealers.
Hilarious Antique Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about antique you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old fashioned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make antique pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park...
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes t**...." p**...! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." p**...! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?
He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!
You're walking down the street when you find an old antique lamp. You give it a shine, and a robotic genie pops out. What do you do?
You mech a wish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your best "Your p**...'s so..."
Your p**...'s so wrinkled I mistook it for an antique coin purse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hipsters dose it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they have a guy for that comes on Tuesdays only uses reproductions of antique bulbs
Some friends, a lesbian couple...
bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said "I wanna watch".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.
What do you call 200 black people in a barn?
Antique farm equipment.
I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano
I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know anything about antiques?
Cause I found a t**... in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a black guy in a museum?
Antique farm equipment
My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.
He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."
I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.
She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.
Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.
They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.
Me first! Me first! says the PhD student.
I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.
p**...! He's gone.
Me next! Me next! says the post-doc. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.
p**...! He's gone.
You're next, the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo mama so s**...
She went to an antique store and said what's new?
I bought an antique and rare yo-yo and promised myself that I wouldn't use it
But that quickly got out of hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the antique dealer considered a p**...?
She was selling one night stand
Antiques
So my dad just bought an wooden table today. He said it's very old and it might even be an anteak.
What's the worst part about visiting the grandparents?
The only thing to watch is antique robeshow.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... pun ive ever heard fml
What do you call a really old ant, an ANTique
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... finds an antique oil lamp. He rubs it, a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
"Only one wish, you scrooge? Go back to your lamp and light it!"
My mother doesn't say much, but she always looks on the bright side
They say "it's cold", she says "...or fresh"
They say "it's old" , she says "...or antique"
They say "it's over" , she says "...or beginning"
They say "your son is a bit weird" , she says "...or tissed"
whatever that means.
I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.
He is not going to get a weigh with this.
What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation
Hair loom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?
Your great antique.
Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as h**....
Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.
The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made c**... violins."
Mary and Jane are old friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
A knight
A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. He notices a full suit of armor standing on display by the bar. "Where did you get that?" the guy asks the bartender. "I picked it up at an antique store downtown," the bartender says. "It only cost $2,500." "Geez, all that money for a knight?" the guy exclaims. "Oh, no," the bartender hastens to reassure him. "You get to keep it forever."
