Antique Jokes

Following is our collection of olde humor and flatscreen one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Antique puns for adults, dirty marble jokes or clean vintage gags for kids.

There is an abundance of obsolete jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 50 funniest jokes on antique. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sale witze you can hear about antique.

The Best jokes about Antique

What do you call an old ant?

An antique

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.

What do you call 200 black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment.

Antique joke, My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.

Yet another genie in the lamp joke

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the PhD student.

I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.

Poof! He's gone.

Me next! Me next! says the post-doc. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.

Poof! He's gone.

You're next, the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.


My 98 year old grandmother told us this one, in french

A man and his wife go into an antique store and start looking around. They walk by the shop owner's parrot who looks at the man and says, "Hey!" The man looked at the parrot and the parrot says to him, "YOU'RE WIFE IS SOOOO UGLY!"

Suddenly the shop owner storms over to the parrot and starts slapping the parrot. "I've told you not to talk to the customers like that! I BETTER NOT CATCH YOU DOING IT AGAIN!" Then the shop owner turns to the man, "I'm sorry about my parrot. He won't bother you again."

So the shopkeeper goes back behind the counter and the man and his wife keep shopping. Then the parrot whispered at the man, "Hey!" The man went over to the parrot. The parrot looked around for the shop keeper and saw that he wasn't around. Then the parrot leaned in and whispered, "You know."

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

Antique joke, I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

My friend just told me, Going to antique stores is gay.

I said, No. It makes you buy curios.

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park...

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."


You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

What do you call.....

What do you call dead black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment!

What do you call a black guy in a museum?

Antique farm equipment

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

Antique joke, Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

What do my dad and an antique door have in common?

They're both worth more than they used to be, even though they're unhinged and their knobs don't work.

I just bought an antique clock with missing hands.

I think it's a timeless treasure.


A frog walks into a bank...

to get a loan. He waits in line and when the teller calls him he walks up to do his thing.


"Hi, I'm Patty Black, what can I do for you today?" she asks.


He replies, "I'm here to get a loan."


"Well what do you have for collateral?"


"All I have is this antique bronze statuette that I keep on my mantel," he tells her.


She is unsure about what she can do since it seems like a pretty worthless trinket.


"Let me bring that statuette to my manager and see if we can't get you your loan Mr. Frog"


So Patty takes the bronze statuette to her bank manager and tells him the story. There's a frog trying to get a loan and all he has is a seemingly worthless statue.


After hearing her explain the situation the bank manager says without hesitation, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

What do you call the corpses of slaves from the 1700s?

Antique farm equipment

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

Why was the antique dealer considered a prostitute?

She was selling one night stand

What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares

pewter pan

You know you're old when you walk into a antique store

And they start bidding on you.

Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money, and looks up.

"Very well comrade, you are approved and are put on the list. In 10 years you will come in to accept delivery."

The man says "thank you comrade, but will that be morning or afternoon?"

The official, somewhat shocked, says "who cares? Its 10 years from now."

The man explains "well, the plumber's coming in the morning..."

I recently bumped into the guy who sold me an antique globe.

It's a small world.

What do you get when u age an ant?

An antique!

Do you know anything about antiques?

Cause I found a tampon in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.

What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation

Hair loom.

Yo mama so stupid

She went to an antique store and said what's new?

My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.

He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."

Your mama's so dumb ...

... she walked into the antique store and asked, "What's new?"

My mother doesn't say much, but she always looks on the bright side

They say "it's cold", she says "...or fresh"

They say "it's old" , she says "...or antique"

They say "it's over" , she says "...or beginning"

They say "your son is a bit weird" , she says "...or tissed"

whatever that means.

One of my most prized possessions is an antique globe,

it means the world to me.

Some friends, a lesbian couple...

bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said "I wanna watch".

How many hipsters dose it take to change a light bulb?

A: None they have a guy for that comes on Tuesdays only uses reproductions of antique bulbs

What's the worst part about visiting the grandparents?

The only thing to watch is antique robeshow.

I bought an antique and rare yo-yo and promised myself that I wouldn't use it

But that quickly got out of hand.

Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?

He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.

Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,

Proud Mary keep on burning,

Roland,

Roland,

Roland on the River!

What does the rest of the colony call an old ant?

An antique.

Ten years ago bought a rare antique flute for $1,000...

It was a sound investment.

Shittiest pun ive ever heard fml

What do you call a really old ant, an ANTique

I ran into the guy that sold me an antique globe a few years ago...

It's a small world

I accidentally ran into a guy that once sold me an antique globe.

It's a small world.

A friend bequeathed to me an antique watch

I really hope it's not a wind up.

You're walking down the street when you find an old antique lamp. You give it a shine, and a robotic genie pops out. What do you do?

You mech a wish

Hitler finds an antique oil lamp. He rubs it, a genie pops out and grants him one wish.

"Only one wish, you scrooge? Go back to your lamp and light it!"

Brooke Gladstone told this on "On The Media" today. Told it to several people and no one else thought it was nearly as funny as I did except for my brother and my wife.

Okay. So a guy is going down the street and he sees his friend. He hasn't seen him for I don't know how long. And he has this big orange head. And, and he goes up to him and he goes, hey, what's with the big orange head? And he goes, you know, it's a funny story. I was, I was in an antique shop and I found this lamp and I, I rubbed it and a genie came out, it gave me three wishes. And so, I wished for a gorgeous house and, and you see behind me this huge mansion. Yeah, it's really nice. That's the house. And then I wished for a beautiful wife, and, and you see that really lovely blonde coming down the street. That's my wife! And, and then here's where I think I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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