Anthony Jokes

95 anthony jokes and hilarious anthony puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anthony that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy this collection of the best Anthony Jeselnik jokes right away with his darkest Twitter tweets and a unique baby name. Also, read more about Anthony Bourdain, Susan, Chris and Phillip.

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Funniest Anthony Short Jokes

Short anthony jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anthony humour may include short anthony bourdain jokes also.

  1. Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
    *-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*
  2. Casey Anthony is removing her podcast from Spotify. If she wanted to kill Spotify she should've done it when it was still in its infancy
  3. Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009 What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?
    One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
  4. My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me
    Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
  5. Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriend
    Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
  6. I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
  7. Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
    - Anthony Jeselneck
  8. I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... But so far no one will do it..
    Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.
  9. I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon... Some lines must not be crossed.

    (Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)
  10. Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams got into a fight over the phone. After a while they both hung up.

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Anthony One Liners

Which anthony one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anthony? I can suggest the ones about anthony jeselnik and flea.

  1. My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday. Susan be Anthony.
  2. Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death? She was the queen of denial
  3. Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (Punchline)
  4. I finally found the perfect name for my IUD. Casey Anthony
  5. When I heard about Anthony Scaramucci my first thought was ... Will he do the fandango?
  6. Bad Mother Anthony, do you think I'm a bad mother?
    Son: My name is Casey
  7. What's worse than having ants in your pants? uncle anthony
  8. Some food critics eat and run Anthony Bourdain hung around.
  9. What do Anthony Bourdain and myself have in common? We're both dead inside.
    Too soon?
  10. I thought we all knew Anthony Bourdain But I guess some parts were unknown.
  11. I just heard Anthony Bourdain won't make it to heaven. Guess he had No Reservations...
  12. What's the cheapest form of birth control? Casey Anthony
  13. I'd kill a two-year-old... get with Casey Anthony
  14. What do you call a chef who can't cook? Anthony Bourdain
  15. Did you hear about Anthony Bourdain's last meal? It was to die for.

Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

Here is a list of funny anthony jeselnik jokes and even better anthony jeselnik puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
    (Anthony Jeselnik)
  • The day of the Boston massacre as soon I heard about I said that some lines just shouldn't be crossed especially not the finish line I will give credit where credit is to : Anthony Jeselnik
  • My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think
    - Anthony Jeselnik
  • my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think
    -Anthony Jeselnik
  • I think my friend, Jeff, is gay... ...I don't know... I'm so bad with names.
    -Anthony Jeselnik
  • Its not easy Making Fun of r**... People You Really have to explain it to them
    --- Anthony Jeselnik
  • I found this website that tells you how many s**... offenders are in your area. Apparently, there are 34 s**... offenders in my area. So why do we always have to meet at my place?
    - Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Bourdain Jokes

Here is a list of funny anthony bourdain jokes and even better anthony bourdain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated. Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.
  • So Anthony Bourdain was cremated... Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.
  • If you thought Anthony Bourdain was a good chef when he was alive... ...he's really cookin' now.
  • It is a shame we never will see where Anthony Bourdain was going with 'Parts Unknown'... He really left us hanging.
  • Why did Anthony kill himself? Life was too much of a Bourdain.
  • Anthony Bourdain I heard he was going to "parts unknown" according to the catholic church.
  • Why did chef Anthony Bourdain kill himself? Because Asia Argento was eating another guy's pimiento
  • - "How to Live, According to Anthony Bourdain" Not.
  • What is Anthony Bourdain's newest recipe? How to make worm food
  • Bars should be giving out a free drink today in honor of Anthony Bourdain... Call it the hangman
Anthony joke, Bars should be giving out a free drink today in honor of Anthony Bourdain...

Anthony Name Jokes

Here is a list of funny anthony name jokes and even better anthony name puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A father's day joke Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?
    Son: My name is Paul.
  • I have a friend named Anthony... Together we are OP and Anthony...
  • A good name for a t**.... Susan B. Anthony

Casey Anthony Jokes

Here is a list of funny casey anthony jokes and even better casey anthony puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Casey Anthony would be my perfect girlfriend... She's hot, she likes to party and she doesn't want kids.
  • What's Casey Anthony's least favorite flower? Baby's breath
  • Casey Anthony gets a bad wrap.... she killed a kid for a lot cheaper than a drone does.
  • On a scale of Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky much do you love your children?
  • On a scale from Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
  • What's the best thing about dating Casey Anthony? You don't have to wear a c**....
Anthony joke, What's the best thing about dating Casey Anthony?

Witty Anthony Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about anthony you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nelson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anthony pranks.

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....

that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting r**.... So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting r**...."
- Anthony Jeselnik

Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.

So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.
"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".
Yea; I'm seriously stumped.

Did you hear the one about the mother who called all her 10 sons Anthony?

When someone told her that it's a complication she replied, "No it's not. It simplifies my life."
"How so?" she was asked.
"Simple" she replied, "When dinner's ready I just call Anthony and all of them come."
"But what do you do if you want to call the attention of one in particular?"
"I call him by his last name."

How does Anthony w**... like his meat?


I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.

"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

Maybe it was a mistake to keep forgiving Anthony w**......

But hey, she's only Huma.

This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis.

I only had two options, either give it away... or flea

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony w**...'s house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been s**... by a w**... in years.

What is Anthony w**...'s favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

If Susan gets a s**... change

Susan be Anthony

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Looks like Anthony w**... is joining One Direction!

The band has been renamed to One e**....

Why was Anthony Wiener crying after his sentencing?

He was happy because when he gets out the girl he was texting will finally be 18.

Bill Cosby, Anthony w**... and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve w**......"

Anthony Hopkins is starring in a vegetarian remake of his most famous film

It's titled: Silence of the Yams

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

Another s**... assault allegation against

Pee-wee Herman, he apparently s**... assaulted Anthony w**... in a movie theater.

French women were more shocked about Anthony Bourdain's s**... than anyone.

They were sure there would never be a well\-hung man in France.

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy w**... from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy c**... from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''

Segura's favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.
And I could just have his motorcycle.
- Anthony Jeselnik
(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.
OG: Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony joke, My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday.

jokes about anthony