Anthony Jokes

Following is our collection of phillip humor and andrew one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anthony puns for adults, dirty james jokes or clean flea gags for kids.

There is an abundance of philip jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on anthony. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cathy witze you can hear about anthony.

The Best jokes about Anthony

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky much do you love your children?

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

Its not easy Making Fun of Retarded People

You Really have to explain it to them

--- Anthony Jeselnik

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimmy went over the Vitali's house. Mamma Vitali and her daughters set the table and immediately everyone started to eat.

Shocked, Jimmy asks his friend Anthony,

"Hey Anthony, how come you guys don't pray before you eat?

Anthony replies with a mouth full of pasta,

"We're Italian, my mom knows how to cook!"

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._

Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The Fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess"

Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009

What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it

But he wouldnt tell me

Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...

... and then blame it on the boyfriend

Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer...

But so far no one will do it..

Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

Did you hear the one about the mother who called all her 10 sons Anthony?

When someone told her that it's a complication she replied, "No it's not. It simplifies my life."

"How so?" she was asked.

"Simple" she replied, "When dinner's ready I just call Anthony and all of them come."

"But what do you do if you want to call the attention of one in particular?"

"I call him by his last name."

I finally found the perfect name for my IUD.

Casey Anthony

I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon...

Some lines must not be crossed.

(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)

A father's day joke

Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?

Son: My name is Paul.

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams got into a fight over the phone.

After a while they both hung up.

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..

..about brand loyalty.

_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

Bad Mother

Anthony, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Son: My name is Casey

When I heard about Anthony Scaramucci my first thought was ...

Will he do the fandango?

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

(Anthony Jeselnik)

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.

"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.


*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis.

I only had two options, either give it away... or flea

What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....

that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."

- Anthony Jeselnik

Maybe it was a mistake to keep forgiving Anthony Weiner...

But hey, she's only Huma.

Looks like Anthony Weiner is joining One Direction!

The band has been renamed to One Erection.

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

A good name for a transvestite.

Susan B. Anthony

French women were more shocked about Anthony Bourdain's suicide than anyone.

They were sure there would never be a well\-hung man in France.

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

Some food critics eat and run

Anthony Bourdain hung around.

If Susan gets a sex change

Susan be Anthony

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

uncle anthony

Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.

So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.

"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".

Yea; I'm seriously stumped.

Anthony Hopkins is starring in a vegetarian remake of his most famous film

It's titled: Silence of the Yams

Another sexual assault allegation against

Pee-wee Herman, he apparently sexually assaulted Anthony Weiner in a movie theater.

What's the difference between Anthony Mundine and two minute noodles? [OC]

About 25 seconds.

How does Anthony Weiner like his meat?


I'd kill a two-year-old... get with Casey Anthony

If you thought Anthony Bourdain was a good chef when he was alive...

...he's really cookin' now.

What's the best thing about dating Casey Anthony?

You don't have to wear a condom.

The day of the Boston massacre as soon I heard about I said that some lines just shouldn't be crossed especially not the finish line

I will give credit where credit is to : Anthony Jeselnik

What do Anthony Bourdain and myself have in common?

We're both dead inside.

Too soon?

What's the cheapest form of birth control?

Casey Anthony

Smelly Roommate (Anthony Jeselnik)

I once had this Eastern European roommate who never showered or used deodorant. He smelled awful and after a while it got unbearable. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he smelled bad, so I left him a note one morning in the bathroom, "Dear Olaf, get out of my country"

-Anthony Jeselnik


One friend to another:

Friend 1: Hey, if you could have any superpower, which would you choose?
Friend 2: I'd want super strength.
Friend 1: Well I'd want Cold War Russia.

Source: Anthony Jeselnik?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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