Witty Anthony Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
On a scale of Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky
...how much do you love your children?
"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....
that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting r**.... So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting r**...."
- Anthony Jeselnik
Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.
So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.
"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".
Yea; I'm seriously stumped.
Did you hear the one about the mother who called all her 10 sons Anthony?
When someone told her that it's a complication she replied, "No it's not. It simplifies my life."
"How so?" she was asked.
"Simple" she replied, "When dinner's ready I just call Anthony and all of them come."
"But what do you do if you want to call the attention of one in particular?"
"I call him by his last name."
Superpower
One friend to another:
Friend 1: Hey, if you could have any superpower, which would you choose?
Friend 2: I'd want super strength.
Friend 1: Well I'd want Cold War Russia.
Source: Anthony Jeselnik?
Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009
What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?
One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
Its not easy Making Fun of r**... People
You Really have to explain it to them
--- Anthony Jeselnik
What's the best thing about dating Casey Anthony?
You don't have to wear a c**....
How does Anthony w**... like his meat?
Pulled
I'd kill a two-year-old...
...to get with Casey Anthony
A good name for a t**....
Susan B. Anthony
You can explore anthony phillip reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean anthony james dad jokes. There are also anthony puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the cheapest form of birth control?
Casey Anthony
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?
I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*
I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer...
But so far no one will do it..
Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.
I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik
I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...
...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
I finally found the perfect name for my IUD.
Casey Anthony
On a scale from Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...
Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
Maybe it was a mistake to keep forgiving Anthony w**......
But hey, she's only Huma.
I found this website that tells you how many s**... offenders are in your area. Apparently, there are 34 s**... offenders in my area.
So why do we always have to meet at my place?
- Anthony Jeselnik
This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis.
I only had two options, either give it away... or flea
So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony w**...'s house.
If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been s**... by a w**... in years.
What is Anthony w**...'s favorite type of mail?
Junk mail
My parenrs were very principled people...
When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik
My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it
But he wouldnt tell me
Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
If Susan gets a s**... change
Susan be Anthony
Bad Mother
Anthony, do you think I'm a bad mother?
Son: My name is Casey
It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci
I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"
When I heard about Anthony Scaramucci my first thought was ...
Will he do the fandango?
Looks like Anthony w**... is joining One Direction!
The band has been renamed to One e**....
Casey Anthony would be my perfect girlfriend...
She's hot, she likes to party and she doesn't want kids.
Why was Anthony Wiener crying after his sentencing?
He was happy because when he gets out the girl he was texting will finally be 18.
Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...
... and then blame it on the boyfriend
Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
Bill Cosby, Anthony w**... and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar
Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve w**......"
Anthony Hopkins is starring in a vegetarian remake of his most famous film
It's titled: Silence of the Yams
Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...
She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"
Another s**... assault allegation against
Pee-wee Herman, he apparently s**... assaulted Anthony w**... in a movie theater.
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub...
And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)
Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?
Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
- Anthony Jeselneck
I just heard Anthony Bourdain won't make it to heaven.
Guess he had No Reservations...
I thought we all knew Anthony Bourdain
But I guess some parts were unknown.
French women were more shocked about Anthony Bourdain's s**... than anyone.
They were sure there would never be a well\-hung man in France.
It is a shame we never will see where Anthony Bourdain was going with 'Parts Unknown'...
He really left us hanging.
So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...
Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.
Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.
Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.
A father's day joke
Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?
Son: My name is Paul.
Some food critics eat and run
Anthony Bourdain hung around.
A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"
Anthony says "I buy w**... from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy c**... from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"
Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams got into a fight over the phone.
After a while they both hung up.
I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon...
Some lines must not be crossed.
(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)
If you thought Anthony Bourdain was a good chef when he was alive...
...he's really cookin' now.
What do Anthony Bourdain and myself have in common?
We're both dead inside.
Too soon?
The day of the Boston massacre as soon I heard about I said that some lines just shouldn't be crossed especially not the finish line
I will give credit where credit is to : Anthony Jeselnik
What's worse than having ants in your pants?
uncle anthony
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
Segura's favorite Jeselnik
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.
And I could just have his motorcycle.
- Anthony Jeselnik
(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)
Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue.
(Punchline)
Casey Anthony is removing her podcast from Spotify.
If she wanted to kill Spotify she should've done it when it was still in its infancy
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.
OG: Anthony Jeselnik
My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday.
Susan be Anthony.
