Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

24 anthony jeselnik jokes and hilarious anthony jeselnik puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anthony jeselnik that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Anthony Jeselnik Short Jokes

Short anthony jeselnik jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anthony jeselnik humour may include short anthony bourdain jokes also.

  1. Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
    *-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*
  2. My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me
    Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
  3. Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriend
    Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
  4. I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
  5. I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... But so far no one will do it..
    Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.
  6. I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon... Some lines must not be crossed.

    (Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)
  7. You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
    (Anthony Jeselnik)
  8. The day of the Boston massacre as soon I heard about I said that some lines just shouldn't be crossed especially not the finish line I will give credit where credit is to : Anthony Jeselnik
  9. my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think
    -Anthony Jeselnik
  10. I think my friend, Jeff, is gay... ...I don't know... I'm so bad with names.
    -Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik One Liners

Which anthony jeselnik one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anthony jeselnik? I can suggest the ones about ben shapiro and amy schumer.

  1. My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think
    - Anthony Jeselnik

Playful Anthony Jeselnik Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about anthony jeselnik you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chris christie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anthony jeselnik pranks.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.
OG: Anthony Jeselnik

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

Its not easy Making Fun of r**... People

You Really have to explain it to them
--- Anthony Jeselnik

Segura's favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.
And I could just have his motorcycle.
- Anthony Jeselnik
(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.

"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....

that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting r**.... So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting r**...."
- Anthony Jeselnik

Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.

So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.
"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".
Yea; I'm seriously stumped.

I found this website that tells you how many s**... offenders are in your area. Apparently, there are 34 s**... offenders in my area.

So why do we always have to meet at my place?
- Anthony Jeselnik

Smelly Roommate (Anthony Jeselnik)

I once had this Eastern European roommate who never showered or used deodorant. He smelled awful and after a while it got unbearable. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he smelled bad, so I left him a note one morning in the bathroom, "Dear Olaf, get out of my country"
-Anthony Jeselnik


One friend to another:
Friend 1: Hey, if you could have any superpower, which would you choose?
Friend 2: I'd want super strength.
Friend 1: Well I'd want Cold War Russia.
Source: Anthony Jeselnik?