The Best 15 Answering Machine Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Answering Machine jokes. There are some answering machine answer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these answering machine questions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Answering Machine Jokes and Puns

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

A man asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.


I tried calling Stephen Hawking the other day

But I kept getting his answering machine

The Answering Machine

Hi, this is Eric.

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office...

another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.

The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machines weren't hacked. The hand recounts were accurate. Just go into Heaven, you're already ticking me off!"

As they walk through the gates Babbitt and Greeson look at each other and say, "this goes up a lot higher than we thought."

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

You can explore answering machine phone reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean answering machine telemarketing calls dad jokes. There are also answering machine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Bob the builder

A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE?? Not this time Bob. Not this time.

Please help: I have a question...

I have a question for Stephen Hawking but whenever I call him I can only reach his answering machine.

Multiple-choice test results

I got a 11 out of 200 in a multiple choice test and the teacher was fuming with anger.

To demonstrate how bad I did he took out an empty answer sheet, put a shoe mark on it and fed it into the marking machine.

The result is 18 out of 200...

I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine.

"Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the answering machine caller jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working answering machine advice column piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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