Answering Machine Jokes
25 answering machine jokes and hilarious answering machine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about answering machine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Answering Machine Short Jokes
Short answering machine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The answering machine humour may include short phone call answering jokes also.
- Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number? Everytime I call, a machine answers.
- You've reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association Please leave your message after the beep.
- Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone. Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.
- Bob the builder A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE?? Not this time Bob. Not this time.
- Please help: I have a question... I have a question for Stephen Hawking but whenever I call him I can only reach his answering machine.
- I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine. "Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"
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Answering Machine One Liners
Which answering machine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with answering machine? I can suggest the ones about telephone answering and answering the phone.
- I've tried calling Stephen hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine
Amusing & Witty Answering Machine Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about answering machine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean answering phone calls jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make answering machine pranks.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
The Answering Machine
Hi, this is Eric.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office...
another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.
The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?
Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...
At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"
Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machines weren't hacked. The hand recounts were accurate. Just go into Heaven, you're already ticking me off!"
As they walk through the gates Babbitt and Greeson look at each other and say, "this goes up a lot higher than we thought."
Multiple-choice test results
I got a 11 out of 200 in a multiple choice test and the teacher was fuming with anger.
To demonstrate how bad I did he took out an empty answer sheet, put a shoe mark on it and fed it into the marking machine.
The result is 18 out of 200...
A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine
There is a message from his doctor.
"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"
The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.
The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a message?"
The doctor says, "Yes, I've got bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"
The man answers: "I guess I'll take the bad news first"
Dr.- "The bad news is you have 24 hours to live."
Man- "Oh my God! What could be worse than that?"
Dr.- I've been trying to reach you since last night
A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...
He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.
When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple machines, and his vitals aren't good. Fearing for his chances, he waves someone over and asks for an honest answer.
"Nurse, did I just come here to die?"
"Nah, you came here yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The husband jokes about his wife being fat
While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."
Defense supercomputer
A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."
The generals looked at each other, stupefied.
Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory
On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps. Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop". One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were.
"well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine poking a hole where the liquid will come out"
Everyone thought that made sense and moved along the tour. Later on, the group came to where the factory made condoms. This time they heard, "Shh, shh, pop, shh, shh, pop". And again someone asked what the noises were.
The tour guide answers, "well its the same noises as the baby bottle caps. The shhing is the filling of the c**... mould and the popping is the machine poking a hole in every other c**..."
One man interjects, "well that can't be too good for the c**... business!"
The tour guide then replies, "yea but it's great for the baby bottle cap business!"
Answering machine message
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Things not to say on a first date
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Jokes from glorious motherland USSR
A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.
What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.
It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'
A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'
Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.
A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'
'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The elbow
A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a u**... sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"
The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with u**..., goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his u**... into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."
The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some u**... from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his s**... into the cup and mixes everything again.
when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.