Annoying Wife Jokes
54 annoying wife jokes and hilarious annoying wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about annoying wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Annoying Wife Short Jokes
Short annoying wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The annoying wife humour may include short annoying husband jokes also.
- I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them! to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
- THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise
- Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts, my wife threw up her hands in frustration.
- The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter wearing a burka, is the confusion. Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife.
- My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me. I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt.
- I asked my Wife if she was annoyed because I keep talking about Dinosaurs. But she remained silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyl.
- Annoying husband Wife: Ugh, you only hear what you want to hear!
Husband: Sure, I'd love a beer! - I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something. If I said I'm going to fix it, I'll fix it.
There's no need to remind me about it every three months. - My wife kept telling me, "You could use some real friends, Tom. People you could count on." "I didn't ask for your advice, Linda!" I shouted.
It got so annoying I had to unimagine her. - I've been secretly tossing pears at my neighbor for a couple weeks now I can hear him talking to his wife about government drones trying to drive him crazy, but he's just pear annoyed.
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Annoying Wife One Liners
Which annoying wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with annoying wife? I can suggest the ones about nagging wife and angry wife.
- My wife is a lot like Apple Always finding new and innovative ways to be annoying.
- My wife's really annoyed with me. I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
- Why is your wife annoying? Because she is always jalapeño business.
Annoying Wife Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about annoying wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jealous wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make annoying wife pranks.
s**... with the priest's wife
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
h**...
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a h**... before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face."
Returning on Investment
After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
The new salesman.
A man gets a job as a salesman at a brand new superstore. At the end of his first day, his supervisor comes up to him and asks how many sales he made. "Just one," the man replied. Somewhat annoyed at this, the supervisor asks how much the sale was for. "$68,721.42" is the answer. Immediately taken back, he asks the salesman to explain this spectacular number. "Well, a guy came in here and after a lot of convincing, I sold him a new truck, boat and trailer, a half dozen fishing rods, and almost 100 lures." "There's no way he planned to spend over $68,000 in one trip," the supervisor tells the salesman. "Of course not," the new employee replies. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife and I told him 'Aww, man, your weekend is shot. You should go fishing.'"
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
My wife is one of those annoying people that ruins films by asking questions.
Last night we were watching Schindler's List and she stupidly asked, "Why are you w**...?".
Anniversary gift
A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive l**... for her.
On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a p**... on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift.
Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother"
To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the l**...! I've had numerous compliments already!"
A man is walking down the street...
...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
At this point, the shopkeeper becomes annoyed and responds, "Look buddy, what do you want me to put in the window...?"
My grandpa told me this one.
So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."
My wife gets annoyed every time I ask her if I can have phone s**....
I don't know why it bothers her so much, it's not like we can't afford the $4.99/minute.
Two newlyweds go to buy a donkey...
...when they are looking at the sweet little foal it cuddles up to the husband and butts him quite roughly. The husband was surprised and quite annoyed, he says to the foal, 'That's once.'
Seconds later the donkey bites him, 'Ok, ok that's twice!' the husband exclaims as his anger rises.
He barely has time to gather himself together then the foal turns around and kicks him square in the chest. He get's back to his feet, furious with the creature and yells 'ALRIGHT THAT'S THREE TIMES' He pulls out his revolver and shoots the donkey six times in a blind rage.
His wife screams and cries, 'Are you crazy? The poor animal! How could you do that?'
The husband replies calmly, 'Honey, that's once.'
Automatic light
A husband speaks to his wife after waking up in the morning, frantic.
"Honey, you won't believe it! I went to the bathroom last night and the light turned on automatically! Weird huh?"
Annoyed, she yells at him:
"You crapped in the fridge again!"
My wife asked me to put away the Dr. Seuss books
yeah, it is kind of annoying but if I don't do it then who ville?
Annoying Husband
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
Breakfast Wife
(Overheard at work)
I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".
A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".
Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."
Anniversary gift
The wife asks her husband: "What are you gonna get me for our 20th anniversary, dear?"
"A grave in the cemetery". They had a huge fight. Fast forward to next year.
"What're you gonna get me for our 21st anniversary, honey?"
The man, annoyed, replies: "Nothing! You haven't used what I got you last year yet!"
An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!
Physics Joke
A mountain climber goes out drinking with his friends.
He starts complaining "My wife called me annoying last night! She compared me to a mosquito." His buddy responded. "You know what they say. You can't cross a vector with a scalar."
My wife has really been annoying me recently
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
3 times i've asked her and she still hasn't done it
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.
Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Jack says to his friend Mike, I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
Friendship
Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to.
Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Johnny's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky?
*Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.
My wife was getting annoyed because I couldn't, you know, get it in the 'mood'...
"What's wrong?" she asked. "I don't know." said I. "I just can't think of anybody right now."
My wife is an English teacher
She always corrects my grammar while having s**.... I'll go "s**... it good" and she'll reply "it's s**... it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.
The most annoying part about being part of a Muslim family is that it gets very confusing.
Like last night I accidentally slept with my wife.
Two guys were playing golf
Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.
"That was close," he said. "One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."
"Don't worry," the other guy said. "I'll go ask if we can play through."
He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
"Talk about your coincidences!"
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
Why complain?
People out there complaining laundry is annoying, washing dishes is tedious, vacuum cleaning is boring, and punching bags are expensive,
Like just get a wife smh
A man is driving the car with his family in it
He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:
"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"
The man responds:
"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"
And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder and say:
"Dad please slow down"
The man starts to get annoyed and says:
"I told you not to worry, God will keep us safe"
He once again speeds up even more. After a few seconds he feels another tap on his shoulder. He asks angrily:
"What the h**... is it this time?"
"This is God. Can you please stop the car for a moment, I need to get out"
A man walked into a pharmacy.
"Do you have anything to cure hiccups?" he asked.
The pharmacist didn't reply.
Again, the man asked "Excuse me, I asked if you have anything for hiccups?"
Still the pharmacist stayed silent.
The man started getting annoyed. "Can you hear me? I'm looking for something fo-"
Suddenly the pharmacist leaned over the counter and slapped the man across his face.
"There, you're not hiccuping anymore, are you?!" The pharmacist said triumphantly.
The man replied angrily "No but my wife waiting in the car is."
A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…
He woke up feeling his wife's hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, What are you doing?
In a sweet voice she said, I just love watching you sleep.
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."
I'm getting fed up with my wife! She's always stopping my perfect animal impressions just because she finds them annoying.
If she yells at me one more time for impersonating a flamingo, I'm going to have to put my foot down.
«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."