announced Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious announced puns

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

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Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

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North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

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When Trump announced job creations...

I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.

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Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

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A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

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iBoob

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president

Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.

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So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.

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Canadian money

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the "Toonie" (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming.

In the height of political correctness they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie," it will now be called "two fucking bucks"

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

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Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated about this... she went peacefully.

It has been announced that Thatcher's corpse will be thrown down one of the pits she closed and a public toilet built on top of it charging Β£5 a dump. Funds raised are expected to clear the national debt by Friday lunchtime.

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Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

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My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

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Scientists have just announced the finding of the world's longest penis. At just over five feet, the sight of it has shocked the nation...

...and, even worse, it's going to head a vote to repeal Net Neutrality on Thursday.

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I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ask that I take a blood test.
I tell him: "I can't I'm a Hemophiliac" (Trouble clotting blood)
Lastly he says that I attempt to walk in a straight line.
I then tell him: "I cant, I'm fucking drunk"

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

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New Apple Product Announcement: The iBra

Apple announced a new product: a bra that can store and play music. The iBra. The product is being praised as a step toward better relations between men and women. It is intended to address the complaints of women about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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They recently announced the title for Fast and furious 10

Fast 10:your seatbelts

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Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen;

Advil is Ibuprofen;

Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and
announced today that they have settled on:

Mycoxafloppin

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Drug names

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names--a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

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English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

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Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause

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My hard driving, asshole boss just quit the company, he announced he's moving to Taiwan!

apparently he has a Taipei personality ...


Sorry for the Taipo - /u/damn_wiston

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A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Needless to say, he was devastated. Finally the son consoled him enough to leave the office and they decided to go to the local tavern and bury their sorrows in alcohol.

When they entered the bar, all the man's friends were there. They saw how bad he looked and one pal commented, "It looks like you just saw the grim reaper!" The man replied, "Yeah, I just saw my doctor and I've got AIDS."

Astonished, the son pulled his dad over to the side and said, "Dad, I was with you at the doctor's office and he said that you have terminal cancer, not AIDS." To which the man replied, "I know that, but I don't want any of those bastards f*cking your mother after I'm dead!!!!!!"

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Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

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The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

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Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

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We've divided the population as you've requested, Mr. President, announced the assistant from the doorway, so we're just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.

Wipe the memory of groups 1-8, replied the president, leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.

Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?

The president stood from his chair and looked out at the world from his window.

Only 90s kids will remember this.

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Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones....

Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.

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Park Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

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Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This is for the Christmas period only.

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THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._

Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The Fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess"

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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

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[NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down

Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =(

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Yo mama so fat...

When she was buried, the flat earthers announced the earth is not flat anymore.

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Perfect Penis

Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" outside. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father took him into the bathroom, lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis."
The next day at school, Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but if it were three inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis."

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In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

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Kid runs away from home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.


The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.



'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.


'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.


The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.


'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.


The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.

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Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

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A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

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Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

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Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?

The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

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More NFL news

NFL CUTS ONE TEAM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.

They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

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The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"

With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

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The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

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The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

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Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

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An old hillibilly with three daughters

An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

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Profound (And Deep) Jokes

A manager at Goldman Sachs has this to tell.

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!

**Continued in the Comments**

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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The US post office announced today that they'll be releasing a new stamp commemorating prostitution.

It's a ten cent stamp, but if you wanna lick it, it's a quarter.

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Memory wipe

"We've divided the population as you requested, Mr. President" announced the assistant "we just need your approval for the memory wipe".

"Wipe the memories from the groups 1 to 8" replied the president, "leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too"

"Sir, you want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"

The president looked out at the world from the window.

"Only 90's kids will remember this"

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Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes

Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.

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My kindergarten-aged daughter

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

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China has announced a tariff on pork imports from the US

It's unclear if they are referring to food or tourists at this time.

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Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

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Two Infantry Officers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up....

A technician walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one officer, 'But we don't have a ladder."
The technician said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
He then took measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
The second officer shook his head and laughed and said: "Look at this bloody civilian, We needed the height and this fool gave us the length!"

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There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

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A plane was flying through some turbulence

The pilot announced this to the passengers.

"Hello everyone sorry for the interruption but we are flying through some turbulence please fasten your sea- OW FUCK IT BURNS AHHH HELP SHIT"

Then the speaker went off. A few seconds later the pilot returned to the speaker.

"Sorry everyone I spilled my coffee on my self now it's all over my pants."

One of the passengers responded to the captain.

"Who cares about your pants? We just all pissed ourselves!"

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On His Deathbed

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.

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Kinda of a shitty joke but......

Shortly after a British Airways flight had
reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have
a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on
the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared
you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spille a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...'For gods sake ........ You should see the
back of mine!!!'

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Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!

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I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

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Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

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SeaWorld just announced layoffs and said that they will be letting 125 people go

"Must be nice." said the animals.

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How did Canada get its name?

They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

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Scientists have just announced today that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

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Just announced, they are making a movie based on Tetris...

Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear.

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Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

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The white Xbox One S was just announced.

Of course it's 40% smaller than the black one.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger just announced he's giving up the limelight to go back to his first love, pest control.

He's an ex-terminator now.

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I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

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The UK announced it's removing tax from tampon sales.

Though there will undoubtedly be strings attached.

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Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan

Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

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EA announced 3x more content for battlefront 2.

Don't get too excited, 3 x 0 is still no content.

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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.

So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

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Make me feel like a woman.

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

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Apple iBoob

Given the recent slowdown in iPhone sales, Apple announced today that it will skip the wearables market and develop a line of digital implants for adults. The first product, shipping in the summer of 2016, is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. The new Apple iBoobs, sold in pairs, will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Marvel Cinematic Universe just announced their newest addition to their 2015 film that will be released in 2019 starring a transgender hero.

Auntman

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North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

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Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.

I'll see myself out now.

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A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

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A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF!

He was gone, without a tres.

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Space monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, This is mission control to the astronaut…

At this the astronaut responded I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.

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I went to a High School pep rally....

The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.

We were left speechless.

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This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun

To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.

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And if I had...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon ;with great expression he said "if I had all the beer in the world,I'd take it and throw it into the river"
With even greater emphasis he said,.
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river ".
And then finally, he said, " And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. "

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing song,let us sing Hymn #365 " Shall we gather at the river "....

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Wasp Expert

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World! The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those." The shop assistant offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the shop assistant realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I was playing you the bee side!!.

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Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly underwear

But the chief inspector said they must wear their normal uniforms.

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Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.

Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.

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The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber:

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

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'Police have announced that a psychic dwarf has escaped from custody.'

'They're looking for a small medium at large.'

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New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

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I was pretty surprised when my son came home from university and announced that he's gay. He used to hate anal sex when he was little.

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An Economist went to a lingerie shop

to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.


The smart Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"


Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"


Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."

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Kid Rock announced he won't be running for the Republican Michigan Senate nomination .

This come as a great relief to Democratic challenger Kid Scissors.

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Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories.

He says he wants to "make America grate again."

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The sport of choice

... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

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The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

Lady, he announced, I'm the piano tuner.

The lady exclaimed, Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner.

The man replied, I know, but our neighbors did.

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The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights.

They're capable of math destruction.

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Cowboy Singer

There was this country singing cowboy in a dark saloon one night. He got up to play and announced his first song,

"I wrote this one a long time ago, its called 'Ol' Boil on My Foot is Burnin'"

The audience had a general look of confusion but the cowboy went on to play most beautiful, sad country song many had ever heard. He quickly moved on to the next tune,

"This ballad is about the night my ex left me, its called 'She Can't Handle the Bumps on My Pecker"

Again, the audience gasped but quickly retracted as an amazing piece of musical genius was displayed before them. The cowboy continued to play many songs with egregious titles that were just beautiful. As setbreak ended the cowboy emerged from the bathroom and took the stage. Little to his knowing he didn't zip up and his johnson was dangling out of his pants. A man in the audience quickly yelled,

"Your Tallywacker's hanging out flapping in the wind!"

The cowboy responded

"Sure, buddy, I'll play that one next."

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U2 just announced a world tour.

Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?

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A depressed man was sitting at a bar.

From across the room, a beautiful prostitute saw this man and began to approach him. "Hey honey, are you looking to get lucky?", she asked. To which the depressed man replied "Yes". She then announced that for $300 she would do anything he wanted, provided he could say it in three words. The depressed man agreed to this and slapped three $100 notes on the counter and with each slap he said "Paint. My. House".

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Inventors

Tesla, Ford, and Edison were all standing on a stage, presenting their latest findings.

Tesla strolled forward and announced that he had invented a brand new way to transmit energy through the air! The crowd clapped politely.

Ford was next, and pulled the cover off a large engine. He had discovered a way to create horse less carriages! The crowd gasped and clapped louder.

Edison took two steps to the left and threw up his arms to announce that he had invented a revolutionary new way to send electricity through the very air! The crowd went wild.

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A Polish guy walked into a bar...

... in Poland. He announced that he had withdrawn his entire fortune, 100,000 zlotys, from the bank, invested it in gold bars, and put them into a safe in his house.

This was back when a zloty was worth something, so the other patrons immediately started to argue with him:

"You're an idiot! What if you get robbed? It's much safer in the bank."

"The banks are about to fail," he responded.

"But they can't fail, they're backed by the Polish government!"

"... which doesn't have so much as a grosz and you know it. The government will fall apart along with the banks."

"Fair enough," the other patrons answered, "but our friends the Russians will bail us out."

"The Russian government isn't so stable either. What if it should collapse too?"

"Well, wouldn't that be worth 100,000 zlotys?"

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A priest was giving a sermon about temperance.

With great enthusiasm, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river!"

The congregation nodded their approval and shouted "Amen!"

He continued, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

"Amen!" the congregation replied again.

The priest sat down and the music minister announced, "For our closing song, let's sing Hymn 362, 'We Shall Gather At the River'."

"AMEN!" The congregation replied.

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An old lady was on the elevator when... (X-post from /funny)

...a well-dressed young woman got on, wearing perfume. She looked at the old lady, and said "ROMANCE by Ralph Lauren. $150 an ounce."

At the next floor, another woman got on, wearing even more perfume. "CHANEL #5. $200 an ounce." she announced.

When the doors opened on the next floor, the old lady leaned over, ripped a three octave, sinus-clearing duck call of a fart.

As she walked out the door, she looked back over her shoulder, "BROCCOLI. 49 cents a pound!"

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When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face.

No one is laughing now.

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This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

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I once went to see a show with a Mexican Magician...

... and for his finale he announced he would make himself disappear on the count of the 3.
He yelled " Uno. Dos...." and then disappeared without a tres....

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The Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have your ass cremated."

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So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...

A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"

"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."

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They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

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iNuts, Apple's newest gadget

Apple announced today
that it has developed
a computer chip that can store
and play high fidelity music
in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between
$499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because women have always complained
about men staring at their tits
and not listening to them.

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A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmobile."

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Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL

and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter.

(Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)

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President of Columbia has announced that the country is going into severe economic depression...

...since the deaths of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.

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Apple announced face recognition passwords

If your face was a password it would be password

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The new Samsung Galaxy S8 was just announced.

I hear it's the bomb.

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Apple just announced their first computerized car, but there is a setback ...

They're having trouble installing Windows.

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young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test,

the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!!

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As an aeroplane is about to crash...

... a female passenger bumps up and down frantically and announced "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She strips off all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone in this place man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

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"I definitely have the biggest penis in this room," I announced drunkenly at the party.

Slightly ruined my son's 13th.

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Disney have finally announced a Ratatouille sequel!

It's called "Incredible Stew"

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The Amazing Claude

It was entertainment day at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, sudddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

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Samsung announced today a new line of Galaxy phones that are certified to be water resistant...

It's nice to know that you won't be able to put out the flames once they catch fire.

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Laziest Of All

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he
announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up?
Nine hands went up.
Why didn't you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.

Too much trouble, came the reply.

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A young man was round at his fiancee's home, having a serious talk with her father....

"Sir, I'd like to marry your daughter," he announced .



His girl's father looked at him.



"Have you seen my wife yet?" he asked.



"Oh Yes Sir," replied the man. "but if you don't mind, I'd prefer the daughter sir"

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Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can't be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

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Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from

And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable

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Breaking: Donald Trump just announced ban on shredded cheese if elected!

He says this is a crucial step toward Making America Grate Again.

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TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content.

But Stranger Things have happened.

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The NFL announced today that Aaron Hernandez

Is suspended indefinitely.

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Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced!

Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression

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What are the best Announced puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Announced? Well, here are the best jokes about Announced to have fun with.

Joko Jokes