Quirky and Hilarious Announce Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)
I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.
The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.
Thanks
It was announced today that General Electric bought the Italian airline, Alitalia
The new company will be called GenItalia
U2 just announced a world tour.
Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?
I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert.
That's all, she was completely serious.
Pheidippides just doesn't have the same ring to it.
When Pheidippides, the soldier who ran 26.2 miles to the city of Marathon to announce the defeat of the Persians to the Athenians, found out the long-distance races were going to be called Marathons, he was a little upset...
But he ran with it.
The UK announced it's removing tax from t**... sales.
Though there will undoubtedly be strings attached.
What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?
"This is not a drill!"
Just announced, they are making a movie based on Tetris...
Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear.
The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...
The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".
You can explore announce formally reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean announce proclaim dad jokes. There are also announce puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women
It's real thick to hide the bruises
Hi everyone, I'd like to announce that I'm dating my very first professional model...
she's a 'before' model, can't wait to see how she'll turn out!
I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle
So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".
This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
Obama's announcement
Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.
Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.
"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"
"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"
EA announced 3x more content for battlefront 2.
Don't get too excited, 3 x 0 is still no content.
What announcement most people are still expecting to hear from Donald Trump?
"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
If Matt Groening wanted to announce he wanted to do an Ask Me Anything...
Would he say Future-AMA?
So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..
Fast10: Your Seatbelts.
Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.
Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.
One day Donald Trump's n**... will leak...
And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES
They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.
It will be called Double O .77 cents on the dollar .
The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...
The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...
Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
We are sorry to announce that we are out of diapers, Poise, and Attends.
We apologize for any incontinence.
They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia
It's called Tokyo Lyft
I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!
I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.
'Police have announced that a psychic dwarf has escaped from custody.'
'They're looking for a small medium at large.'
My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.
I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers
I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce
911 was an inside job!
Happy to announce that I'm no longer broke!
I'm beyond that point and am now drowning in debt.
Former Vice President Joe's taking forever to announce running in 2020
I guess he's just Biden his time.
I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene'd to it?
The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."
Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."
I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days!
Not in a row or anything. Just total.
Breaking news: Anti-US t**... organizations announce their merger and ceasing of attacks.
They are apparently rebranding as gender reveal party organizers for greater effectiveness.
It was just announced that William Shatner's womens' l**... company has been discontinued.
Apparently "Shatner p**..." isn't a great name for an underwear brand.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...
It's my longest running joke of the year so far...
SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...
Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!
They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.
It's Christian Braille
I'm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.
When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.
Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.
I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.
Company Picnic Softball Tournament
At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season. We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept.'s team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.
Bill Cosby
University of Michigan is pleased to announce a gift from the Cosby family for the new school to be names in his honor.
The Sleep Studies Center for women.
Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship
The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"
I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to the Polish, I grew up in the '60's with a mix of Russian, Czech, Hungarian, Pole parents, relatives and friends and this is mild to the s**... we dealt ourselves and friends back then. ;)
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
I'd like to announce that I am retired...
... I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today.
JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car
He becomes the ManDeLorean
I'm sad to announce that my pet parrot died today.
His last words were s**..., I think my parrot is about to die
What do they announce overhead when a patient poops in the bed in the hospital?
I Heard they call a Code Amber.
Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.
So I'm going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store
It is with a heavy heart that I want to announce
That I've been diagnosed with Cardiomegaly.
