Following is our collection of wife humor and celebratory one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anniversary puns for adults, dirty gift jokes or clean celebrate gags for kids.
There is an abundance of eightieth jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on anniversary. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any twenty year anniversary witze you can hear about anniversary.
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My girlfriend and I walked into a local bar last night and everyone started calling me a pedophile and a criminal only because i'm 43 and she's 20. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*
but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.
Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.
Forget it once.
Now I'll never hear the end of it.
Totally ruined our tenth anniversary.
She will love this pack of playing cards.
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.
...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
I was having dinner with my girlfriend, and she called me a peedo. Sure, she's 18 and I'm 31, but that's not a big age gap right? Totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...
Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.
That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
Husband- Happy Anniversary honey!
Husband- I was just remembering how happy we were 30 yrs ago.
Wife- You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.
Husband- That's why we were so happy!
and her husband Jonathan.
completely ruined our 10th anniversary
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
A husband and wife are celebrating their 10th anniversary. The husband surprises her and takes her on a vacation to a tropical island, far away. Getting excited the wife says, "If this is for our 10th anniversary then what are you planning for our 25th?" The husband says back, "I'll send over a jet to pick you up."
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"
My girlfriend is in a band, and for our anniversary I bought her a new drum kit.
It was a cymbal of my love.
I hope this is an original joke.
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.
"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."
My grandpa was telling me about how his and my grandma's anniversary was coming up. He told me they'd been together so long, they were on their second bottle of tabasco.
Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.
That way I'll never forget my anniversary
There is a man facing the crowd, holding up body parts for identification. He raises an arm, and a woman in the crowd starts sobbing. She calls out that this was her husbands arm, she recognized the watch she bought for their anniversary. The man at the front holds up a leg, and a man cries out that this was his wife's leg, he recognizes the shoe. The man holds up a head, and a polish woman calls out, "he looks like my husband, but he wasn't that tall"
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at the bear and says "we don't serve beer to bears at this bar." Incredulous, the bear growls and demands a beer a second time. Again, the bartender states "we do not serve beer to bears at this bar!" At his wit's end, the bear grabs a female bar patron in his mouth and commences to eat her alive. Calmly, the bartender says "not only do we not serve beer to bears at this bar, but we also do not serve bears on drugs." The bear, flabbergasted, exclaims "I've never touched a drug in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate."
It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.
To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk.
After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!"
Five years later, another thought, "Bed too hard, should be softer to allow easy rest to encourage restful body."
Five years later, he meets with the head Monk. "I can't take it anymore! I'm ending my vow and leaving the Monastery!"
"Good!" The head monk responds, "All you've done for 15 years is complain!"
They called me a pedophile because I was 42. That totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
We just had our anniversary dinner last week.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive lingerie for her.
On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a peck on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift.
Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother"
To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the lingerie! I've had numerous compliments already!"
So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from this house with a large suitcase." The husband, worried, went away and thought to himself "what in the world could she possibly want..." He thought long and hard, and finally thought of something that would be perfect for her. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for! "How could this ever go wrong!" he thought to himself. The next day rolls around, and the husband takes his wife's hand to the garage. The wife, not seeing anything, asks "where is it?" The husband points at the floor, on which lay a chrome plated weighing scale.
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!
Bob woke up one morning to find his wife waiting for him in the kitchen, looking unusually angry.
"What's wrong dear?"
"Do you know what yesterday was?"
At that moment Bob realized that yesterday was his anniversary with his wife.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry how could I forget?"
"Well it doesn't matter. I want something that can go 0-200 in less then 60 seconds on the front yard tomorrow."
The next morning, Bob's wife woke up and couldn't find Bob. So she went out in the front yard. Greeting her was neither a car nor Bob, it was a small cardboard box. Perplexed, she took the box inside the house and opened it.
Inside was a bathroom scale.
For our 2 year anniversary, I decided to get my girlfriend some nice jewelry. When I got to the jeweler, he showed me a beautiful white gold ring, and when he showed me the price, my jaw hit the floor.
He saw that this was way out of my range, and showed me another ring, which was half the price of the first one. I sheepishly asked, "Can you show me something cheaper?".
He looked annoyed, and grabbed a different ring from the display. He showed me the price tag. A small fraction of the second ring. Still not satisfied, I look at the jeweler and ask him "Do you think you could show me something cheaper?"
He shakes his head, turns around, and when he turns back...he hands me a mirror.
For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown
The next day he goes back to the store and returns it
Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?
70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled
I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg
His wife was mad. She said "Tomorrow morning there better be a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds!" The next morning there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob's been missing since Friday.
My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary. The man said to his wife "Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed. "Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, "You."
It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just screwed up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale.
Bob Has Been Missing since monday
A man wants to get his wife something special for their 20th anniversary, so he goes out and buys her a $200.00 transparent night gown. He then goes to wrap the gown up in a gift box while putting a handwritten letter on top of it.
That evening, after leaving the box in their room upstairs, the man sees his wife come home, and tells her that her present is in the room.
The wife goes upstairs, and after reading the heartfelt letter, decides before seeing her husbands present, she would give him her own. So she strips down to nothing and goes downstairs to surprise her husband. The man looks up at his wife and says, "For $200.00, you think they would at least iron the gown."
...can we still call it bison-tennial?
It's completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
It was part of the deal
Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember.
I got quite upset because everyone called me a pedo because I was thirty and she was twenty. So finally,I said "That's it baby, we're leaving. I'm not going to let them ruin our tenth anniversary."
He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.
..and clicked 'add to cart'
Locals were shouting "pehopile" and other names at me,just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
They completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.
They went out to dinner and kept getting harassed by the locals.
They we're shouting 'Peado' and 'Cradle snatcher' and all sorts of horrible names.
It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.
Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
husband: sure , why not
wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.
husband: sure
wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .
husband: sure. keep your phone in full volume
At their 50th anniversary, the wife decides to give the husband a very special gift. She said, as a gift, I'll give you a chance to ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth.
Husband see's a chance. He said, you know, it's about Adam. I have always wondered about him. He doesn't look anything like our other 6 children. I was always suspicious about him. I think I may not have been fair to him as well because of this. I have to ask you, does he have a different father?
Wife pause for a second. then says: yes.
The husband feels sad, but still asks, who?
The wife replies: you.
It's the day after their 63rd wedding anniversary. The guy says to his dad, "Hi Pops. Did you take mom somewhere nice for your anniversary yesterday?".
"Oh yeah," replies the dad, "it was great. The food was delicious, the service was great, and they brought us a bottle of champagne on the house when we mentioned it was our anniversary!"
"Wow, that does sound great," says the son, "what was the place called?"
"Oh jeez," replies the dad, hand to his forehead "damned if I can remember. What's that flower? The one with lots of petals, pink or red? It has a lovely scent?"
"Rose?" the son says
"That's it!" the old man exclaims. He turns his head and shouts "ROSE? ROSE?! WHAT WAS THE PLACE WE ATE AT YESTERDAY CALLED?!"
But of course no one remembered.
A husband and wife are eating dinner together, and the husband says "Honey, I came up with something for us to do on our 25th anniversary coming up next month." Surprised, his wife asks "Really?! I can't believe you remembered it, let alone have a plan for us!" The husband smiles at her and says "I'm taking you to Hawaii!" The wife was completely dumbfounded, they had never gone away on a vacation like that. She started to tear up and responded "Oh, that sounds absolutely amazing!". "And can you guess what I have planned for our 50th anniversary?" He asks her. She shook her head 'no', as she was still too shaken up to speak. He just smiles and says "I'm going to come pick you up."
I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she'll be back in a couple of hours.
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
"...underwater".
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says "Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago?"
The husband says "We were probably sitting around naked at the breakfast table."
"Why don't we do that now? You know...for old times sake?" says the wife. The husband agrees and they both strip and sit back at the table.
The wife leans over and says "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago."
The husband says "Of course they are. One's in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."
I got her a bathroom scale.
Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary
During their 50th anniversary outing, the husband says, "Honey, I love you very much but I have to be honest with you. Early in our marriage I had an affair. It was strictly sexual, and it ended quickly."
His wife smiles and forgives him, but after a couple holes says, "Since we're confessing old transgressions, I should tell you that before we were married... I was a man."
The husband pauses, then becomes furious. He throws his hat to the ground, turns beat red and paces around. Finally he says, "You mean to tell me I've let you tee off from the women's tee all these years for nothing!"
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.