Animal Walks Into A Bar Jokes
31 animal walks into a bar jokes and hilarious animal walks into a bar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about animal walks into a bar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Animal Walks Into A Bar Short Jokes
Short animal walks into a bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The animal walks into a bar humour may include short a horse walks into a bar jokes also.
- A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar... The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know." - A horse walked into a bar... The bartender said Dear God!
Animal Control was called shortly thereafter - a giraffe, a zebra, a hippo, and a mouse walk into a bar all of the animals hit their head on the bar except for the mouse which walked easily beneath it
- A cat walks into a bar And it is then rescued and killed by Peta. Stray animals are a threat in all situations
- A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
- An elephant walks into a bar... And the bartender calls animal control and everything works out for everyone.
- A duck walks into a bar Animal control services are promptly called and the duck is released into a nearby park.
- A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
- A duck walked into a bar... And was quickly escorted out as no animals were allowed in the bar.
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Silly & Ridiculous Animal Walks Into A Bar Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about animal walks into a bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean man walks into a pub jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make animal walks into a bar pranks.
a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Welsh pub
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
Taxidermist walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a r**... bar.
A guy walks into a r**... bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."
"North Dakota?" the bartender asks. "What the h**... you do in North Dakota?"
"I'm a taxidermist," the guy replies.
"A taxidermist, what the h**... is that?" the bartender asks.
The guy says nervously, "Um, I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear, a mountain lion, and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, holy s**... okay everyone stay calm, I'm calling animal control
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.
The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."
Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and r**..., knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.
Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come on, man. I could use a beer to wash that down."
Shaking his head, the barman says "No wild animals and no drug addicts "
Confused, the bear says "Drug addicts? What drugs?"
The bartender shrugs. "What about that bar-b**...-you-ate?"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion," he complains to the bartender. "She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business."
A man walks into a bar ...
with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender…
"
Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar with his monkey and tells the bartender, "What do you say you buy me a drink if I can get this monkey here to bl*w me?" The bartender agrees and the guy smacks his monkey upside his head. The monkey falls over, jumps up, pulls the guys thing out, and starts bl*wing. Another guy at the end of the bar has been watching in amazement and says, "Hey, can I try that?!" The monkey owner says, "Sure," and the other guy says, "Okay, just don't hit me that hard."
A Panda Walks into a Bar
The Bartender is a little confused but hands the Panda a Menu.
The Panda points to a side of celery sticks, which the bartender quickly gives to him.
After a few moments of chomping loudly on the celery sticks, the panda abruptly gets up out of his chair, pulls out a gun, and fires several shots in the air!
Everyone freaks out but the Panda then makes his way to the door!
The frazzled Bartender asks the Panda,
Why do you do that?
The panda replies,
I'm a Panda! Look it up!
He leaves and the confused Bartender takes out his phone and looks up Panda, in the encyclopedia, to which he finds:
Panda- A black and white colored Chinese Bear-like animal. Eats, shoots, and leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once a panda walked into a restaurant...
...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.
The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a p**.... Fortunately, the wound was not fatal and the waiter lived. As the panda was leaving, the waiter croaked, "Why?".
The panda stops, turns around and whips out an encyclopedia page about pandas. It was very old and wasn't properly punctuated. It read, "Pandas: Eats, shoots and leaves."
A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator
So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" and then tells it "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his package in it. After a few minutes he puts it back in his pants and says "see, perfectly tame. Now would anyone else like to try?
Guy at the end of the bar says "yeah, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"
Guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and the bartender asks, What can I get you sir?
Man says, White wine .
Everyone in the bar overheard and gives him a stern look, bartender then proceeds to ask, You're not from around here are ya?
Man: Nope from Massachusetts's
Bartender: Well what do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a Taxidermist
Bartender is confused and proceeds to ask what it is he does.
Man: I mount animals for a living!
Bartender yells out to the bar, Don't worry boys he's one of us!!
A man walks into a bar in Iraq
Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand.
"You're not from around here are you"? ask the ISIS leader.
"n, no... I'm from America" the man says.
"are you an American soldier?"
"actually... I'm a taxidermist." Says the man.
"What in the world is a taxidermist?" the leader asks him.
"Well... you know.. I mount animals" the man replies.
A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face..
"He's ok fellas... he's one of us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
D&D Jokes
Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:
* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.
* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".
* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A v**....
* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.
* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"
* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".
* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar, hops up on the bar, waddles down to the bartender, and asks...
... "Got any quackers?"
The barman looked at the duck for a second, then said "No, Besides, you're a duck. It's a health code violation for you to be in here, so get out before I call animal control."
The duck leaves, but comes back the next day. Same situation: "Got any quackers?"
"Look you s**... feathered, I told you yesterday that I don't have any, and you need to leave. If you come back again, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar."
The duck comes back the next day and approaches the bartender.
Duck: "Got any nails?"
Barkeep: "Uh, no."
Duck: "Got any quackers?"
Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alligator in the bar
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. The bartender sees the man and his pet and tells the man "hey! You can't have that animal in here! He'll bite someone and I'll get sued!" The man replies "This alligator is tame and wouldn't hurt anyone! Look, I'll show you!" The man then pulls his pants down and places his g**... in the alligators mouth. The bartender stares in amazement at how tame the alligator is and after 5 minutes have passed the man pulls his g**... out of the alligators mouth. The bartender says "he really is a tame, ok he can stay." The man then says "would anyone else like to give it a try?" And from the dark corner of the bar a drunken man yells out "I'll do it!!... but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long."
