Animal jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Animal of all time along with the funniest animal gags ever told.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Panda and a Prostitute
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'
Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
An Australian walks into a US bar...
...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"
"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"
He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.
"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.
A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."
Good animal joke
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"
My son is just starting to use words, and he likes to hold the tv remote to his ear like a phone,...
...and say "Hello." So we'll hold up something to our ears and do the same, as though we were answering his call.
Yesterday I happened to be holding his stuffed animal lamb when he was doing this, so I held the lamb to my ear and responded. I looked over to my wife and said something like "look dear, he's calling me on the lamb-line."
She conceded that that was actually a pretty good one, at least for me.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite animal was a buffalo...
Because the last word he ever said to me was "Bison."
Animal shelters must hire the worst people.
Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there.
I went to the zoo the other day, but the only animal there was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
My animal rights activist girlfriend got mad at me recently..
I was eating veal wrapped in PETA bread
What animal has 4 legs and one arm?
A pitbull on a playground.
The animal care industry is very careful in hiring employees.
They vet all of their doctors.
Which animal is the crumbs at the bottom of your animal crackers box?
A manatee.
"You don't value animals," a vegan protested to me. "You only eat them."
"You're wrong," I replied. "My favourite animals are beef and pork."
Squirrels are the fuckboys of the animal kingdom
They only care about their nut
What's the most smelly animal on the farm?
The Toilet Duck.
Did you know that every animal is either a goat...
... or a non-goat?
What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?
The Velociraptor.
I'm not against feminism...
In fact I'm a big supporter of animal rights
πβπ ππππππππ π»π’π ππ¦
An animal of grandeur with unwavering fortitude, physical prowess, majestic beauty...
π»π’π ππ¦: *αΆΚ°α΅α΅α΅Λ’ α΅βΏ α΅α΅βΏα΅α΅α΅*
A hearse drives up to the animal hospital and the driver walks in...
He says: "I'm picking up what you're putting down."
I really like animal puns.
I know it sounds weird, but just bear with me.
I had sex while I was camping - Let me guess ...
... it was fucking in tents? - Extremely intense! And I was told animal abuse, too.
Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.
They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...
as soon as they've defrosted
(Animal meeting at the zoo)
Lion: you're late. We said we're meeting at sunset.
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you freaking midget.
What do you call 'killing a furry'?
Animal abuse.
Browse all animal jokes or go to table of contents
Animal jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.
Short jokes about animals, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.
Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper?
All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
Insults and rude words some of which about yo mama and babies, other about parrots, and other animals.
Don't worry I'll be there too,
not in the cage,
but laughing at you.
Some of the all time most awful jokes about dogs, cats, fish and other animals.
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
One of the boys said, "What is that?"
"They're smart pills," said the other boy.
"Eat them and they'll make you smarter."
So he ate them and said, "These taste like crap."
"See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already."
Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."
Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
Animal is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about animal.
Are Animal jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring animal joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read animal jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with animal jokes on YouTube.
Cute and Q&A jokes for kids, 5 year olds, preschoolers about zoo, farm animals puns and funny memes.
Do you know what animals give you?
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
Teacher: "What does a duck say?"
Jenny: "Quack Quack"
Teacher: "What does a cow say?"
Madison: "Moo"
Teacher: "What does a pig say?"
Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"
A kid doctor is called a pediatrician, and an animal lover is a zoophile, what do you call someone who loves kids.
A Priest
One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby?
One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies.
Rape
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"
Little Johnny: "2 lions & 3 wolves."
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.
How do you tell if a black girls pregnant?
Shove a banana up her vagina and if you pull it out half eaten then you got a monkey on the way.
Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on.
"If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
"
"Well, I took my kids to the zoo..."
"And what kind of animals did you see there?"
"The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was βahgrrr...β
"Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesnβt go βahgrrr..β β¦ She βgrrrrsss..β!
"Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"
Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.
"Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"
"Thatβs easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why donβt big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe thatβs something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why donβt big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you canβt have any honey for two weeks!"
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it.
Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you canβt have any butter for two weeks!"
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.
The mother ran over and stomped on it.
The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"
She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers.
When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing.
"Susan, why didnβt you put flatware on Mr. Marcβs seat?"
"I thought that I didnβt have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pigβ¦"
What do you call a group of sex-changed school kids in animal costumes?
trans-fur students
More kids jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about cats, pussy cats and kittens.
They found a cat on mars...
A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist hang out together...
Zoophile: "We should fuck a cat"
Sadist: "Yeah and after that we torture it to death"
Necrophile: "Awesome idea! And when it's dead we will fuck it again"
Pyromaniac: "And wenn we're done we just set that molested animal on fire!"
Then the Masochist clears his throat and whispers: "Meeoooow"
Instructions for cleaning the toilet
**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
Well, Bad Hint Teacher, Bad Hint!
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog...because it croaks every night
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, it croaks every night.
Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection?
...because curiosty killed the cat
Animals missing legs.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
General Tso's chicken
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean beef
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
Horrible animal jokes inside.
How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".
cat problems
A girl cat asked her boyfriend cat where her mouse stuffed animal was. He says "that was a stuffed animal? I thought it was real so I ate it!"
She responds: "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE MICE THINGS"
Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
8{>
A man is on trial for animal necrophilia...
The judge asks the man to explain his actions.
The man replies: "Your honor, I had no idea the cat was dead when I was fucking it."
I forgot where I heard that one but I always enjoy it.
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal...."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
How did you catch a one of a kind animal?
Unique up on it.
How do you know if an animal is a cat?
It passes the [A]MCATs
Dr. SchrΓΆdinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling.
Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your (potential) loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
.. here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
My wife says I am an animal in bed...
More specifically a cat, I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
A man with a cat in his coat enters a bar . . .
A man with a cat in his coat enters a bar. He sits down at a table and allows the cat to roam free. The bartender doesn't like the fact that there's an animal in the bar and asks the man to collect his cat and leave. The man orders a beer and the bartender refuses to serve it because the man brought a cat into the bar. The man gets mad and tells his cat to attack the bartender, at which point the bartender relents and serves the man a beer. The cat then asks the bartender "Hey, where's my beer?" And the bartender says "What are you talking about? You're a cat. You don't drink beer." And the cat gets mad and pisses on him.
Why do animal rights activists hate NASA?
Because curiosity killed the cat.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.
What animal does feminist think it's misogynist?
Pussy cat
I needed to get my cat dewormed this morning and went down to the animal clinic. They were closed!
These people must've got the wrong idea.
It's Veterans Day, not Veterinarians Day!
I will use animals in famous expressions...
...at the drop of a cat.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him.
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats donβt hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You donβt understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats arenβt like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"Iβm Josephineβs parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office.
The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in.
He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy.
The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl.
The cat is told to wait outside.
He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in.
The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining,
"I was sent to deliver him."
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."
He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian:
Is my cat still alive?
Still not...
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Yours sincerely,Β
The CAT
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
It's kind of obvious why Western countries don't eat cat
Can you imagine how costly it must be to kill the same animal 9 times before you can eat it?
So if multiple cactus is cacti... NSFW
Would a cat (animal) be cat-i?
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
More cat jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about puppy and grown up dogs.
Good animal joke
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Gorilla in my tree!
A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.
The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"
The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."
The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"
The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog
It was a shitzu.
A man goes to a zoo and is disappointed to find it has only one animal, a dog
It's a Shih Tzu.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a Shitzu
Animals can sense disasters before they happen.
That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house
He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'
Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.
After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."
She's a bitch but she makes up for it by being an animal in bed
God I love my dog
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...
...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.
"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.
"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.
"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.
They debated until the train came and hit them.
I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog
It was a shih tzu
A man goes to the zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog...
it was a shitzu
A man walks into a zoo...
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a shitzu.
Well, Bad Hint Teacher, Bad Hint!
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
A man visited a zoo
A man visited a zoo that only had one animal: a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal, a dog.
It is a shitzu
The zoo
A man was walking around town when he noticed a billboard advertising the new zoo in town. He'd been hearing all about it, and since he had nothing better to do that day, he decided to check it out. Much to the man's surprise, when he got there, the only animal there was a single dog. It was a Shitzu.
A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
A man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It was a shih tzu
I visited the zoo in another town...
there was only one animal.
It was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar
A blind guy with a guide dog walks into a bar. Suddenly, he yanks on the dog's leash, swings it above his head, and smashes tables and chairs with the poor yelping animal while the patrons flee in fear.
After he's wrecked the place and stopped swinging the dog, he picks up a stool, sits down and orders a drink.
The gobsmacked bartender asks him, "Hey Buddy, just what the hell do you think you were doing?!"
The blind guy pats his dog on the head and says, "Oh, just having a look around."
A man goes to the zoo.
There's only one animal.
It's a dog.
It's a shitzu.
An animal lover talks to a turk
He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"
"Horse not talk", he replies.
The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"
"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your dog?"
"Dog not talk", he replies.
The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'
"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"
The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"
A man goes to a zoo...
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu.
^shit zoo
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal there is a dog. It is a shih tzu.
I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal; a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
A boy visited the zoo and the only animal inside was a dog...
It was a shitzu
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think Β£5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A man goes to the zoo and the only animal in there is a dog...
...It was a Shih Tzu.
A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.
A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"
"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.
I went to a zoo, but they only had one animal there. That animal was was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day
Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...
...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shihtzu
A Man Walked into a Zoo. But it only had one animal. A dog.
It was a shitzu
I went to the zoo...
I went to the zoo yesterday and I was disappointed to see the only animal they had was a single dog. It's a shih tzu.
A man walked into a zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.
I went to the zoo and the only animal they had was a dog...
It was a shih tzu.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
I'm 100 percent against
animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
Animals missing legs.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
General Tso's chicken
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean beef
A man goes to the zoo. There's only one animal, a dog.
It's a pretty Shitzu
a man walks into a zoo. the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. it's a shitzu.
heh.
A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal was a dog...
It was a Shih Tzu
I went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
Horrible animal jokes inside.
How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".
A man goes to a zoo but the only animal there is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.
I took my niece to the zoo the other day...
The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.
I called the zookeeper over.
"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"
"It's a Shih-Tzu"
I went to the zoo the other day...
The only animal they had was a small dog.
It was a shih tzu
I went to the Zoo today, only animal there was a dog...
It was a Shih Tzu
I went to a new zoo a few days ago, the only animal the had was a dog
It was a Shih Tzu.
A man walks into a zoo
A man walks into a zoo, and the only animal he sees there is a dog. It's a shitzu.
I recently went to a zoo, and the only animal on display was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog.
It is a shihtzu.
I went to a new zoo that has opened up in my area yesterday. Wasn't really worth it, they had one animal and it was a dog.
Turns out it was a Shih Tzu.
A man goes to the zoo and the only animal there is a dog,
It's a shitzu.
A Man Walks Into a Zoo
There is only one animal and it's a dog. It's a shitzu.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint
Go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend d and everyone looses their minds
I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shih tzu.
A man goes to the zoo
The only animal at the zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu
So an elf walks into an animal shelter...
...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.
On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.
Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."
I went to a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo was a dog.
It was a shitzu
A man walks in to a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.
Zoo
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.
Blind man and a dog walk into a bar
A blind man and his service animal walk into a bar, the man grabs the dog by its tail and begins swinging it around in a wide circle. The bartender, appalled by this display of animal cruelty says "What the HELL do you think you're doing mister?". The blind man replies "Just having a look around."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in there was a dog.
It's a shit zoo.
A man goes to a zoo...
...But the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal there was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
A walk to the zoo.
A man walks for four days to visit a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
The dog looks like a St. Bernard, but the man is steadfast in his belief that it is, with certainty, a Shih Tzu.
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal...."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
There was a documentary on TV about animal abuse.
I felt lonely watching it by myself, so I made my dog watch it with me.
Whether he wanted to or not.
I went to the zoo with my wife, and she complained because the only animal was a female dog
What a bitch.
A Man walks into a Zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing?
KKK Slider
A man walks into a zoo
A man walks into a zoo, but he finds that there is only one animal in the zoo, a dog. It is a shitzu.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog
It's a Shitzu
I went to the zoo today, but the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
What animal has the best sense of time?
A watch dog.
I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog!
It was a shit zu.
Many people think that if Snoop was an animal, he'd be a lion or a dog.
But personally, I think he'd be a puffin.
A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
Β
Mother: βNo, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"
Dad, daughter and the dog sex.
A man and his little daughter are driving in their truck around their neighbourhood. Suddenly on the sidewalkβ the girl sees a dog and a bitch engaged in rough anal sex. Intrigued the girl asks her dad, "Dad ! What that dog is doing with that bitch." The man trying to spare himself of the embarrassment to explain his daughter about animal sex replies, "The dog is telling her something." To which the girl innocently replies, " If so, what's the point in fucking her in her ass."
I went to a zoo the other day, and the only animal I could find was a dog...
Turns out it was a shitzu
I went to the Zoo today but they only had one animal and it was a dog...
It was a shit zoo
My friend owns a zoo...
My friend owns a zoo but the only animal is a tiny dog...
Its a Shitzu
a man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
So last week I went to this zoo...
They only had one animal. It was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
I went to the zoo and the only animal they had was a dog
It was a shih tzu
When driving, they say it is always better hit the animal rather than swerve.
You know, for safety reasons. Swerving endangers everybody around you.
So, I was driving one day, and all of a sudden, a dog jumps out of nowhere and runs across the road! Luckily, i somehow manage to miss him.
I had to chase the fucking thing across a field for 15 minutes before i could hit it.
A man walks into a zoo only to find out the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.
A man walks into a zoo
But to his surprise, there is only one animal there, a dog.
It's a shit zoo.
A man walks into a zoo.The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu
A man walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog...
It was a Shitzu.
More dog jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about marine mammals and fish.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
A couple calves,
an ass,
ten little piggies,
a beaver,
a shit load of hares,
and a fish that no one can seem to find!
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish nobody can find.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of women's pantyhose?
Fifteen:
Ten little piggies, two calves, an ass, a beaver, and a dead fish no one can find.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of leggins?
2 calves, 1 ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, a camels toe and a fish that no cunt can find!
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves,
an ass,
a beaver,
a whole bunch of hairs,
and a fish that you just can't seem to find
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose�
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing on a cliff...
...suddenly, a genie appears and tells them that they each could jump off this cliff and say the name of anything, and they would turn into that. The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Eagle!" and she turns into an eagle and soars away. The redhead jumps off the cliff and says "Fish!" and she turns into a fish, lands in a river and swims away. The blonde starts arrogantly walking toward the cliff, thinking her animal was going to be the best, then she trips over the cliff and, startled, says, "Shit!"
What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find.
What's the easiest animal to shoot?
Fish, because they're always found in schools.
How many animals...
Q: How many animals can you fit in a pair of women's pantyhose?
A: 15
Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, an ass, and a dead fish no one can find.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
How many animals can you fit into a pair of spandex
Two calves, an ass, a lot of hares, a camel toe and a fish nobody can find.
What do you call the part of an animal hospital that treats fish?
The squid ward
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
If you want something done quickly and cleanly, you just have to pretend to be an animal that swims in the water.
Because that's a fish in sea.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
What is the only animal in the world that can't get hogh
A fish
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, one camel toe and fish no one can find
More fish jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about creativity and ingenuity of parrots.
Soo... I'm night blind.
I've ran over a lot of animals. Opossums, squirrels, raccoons. Dogs and cats of course. There was this one animal I never could figure out what it was. It yelled "Stop". It must have been a parrot.
A man's parrot had recently died...
...so he goes to a pet store to get another animal to cheer him up. The pet store owner asks him what he's looking for. The man replies his parrot has recently passed away, and he wants another animal that can talk.
The owner says he doesn't have any parrots, but a centipede that can talk. The man buys the centipede and a cage for it, then heads home. A few hours later, the man wants to see if the centipede can really talk, so he goes up to the cage and asks: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?" There's no reply, so the man asks again, in a louder tone: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?".
Again, no reply. The man gets extremely frustrated, thinking the store owner ripped him off, and yells: "DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!". A tiny voice replies: "I heard you the first time! I was just putting on my shoes!"
Old lady at the bus stop
So I was at the bus stop and there was an old, very ugly little lady standing there with a parrot on her shoulder. She saw me and cackled "Boy, if you can tell which animal I have on my shoulder, I will take you home and fuck your brains out."
I thought for a moment and replied "Uhh... an elephant."
She said "Close enough."
A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know."
An African and a parrot went to a tavern
they ask for a beer...
and the Barman asks: where did you find this animal?
and the Parrot responds: In Africa.
Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.
This parrot was a very nasty parrot.
It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, βOn no! I froze my auntβs bird to death.β
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, βIβm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, βWhy the change?β
The bird answered, βBecause I saw what you did to the other bird."
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet.
A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticedΒ the parrot.
He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeperΒ replied,Β "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'".
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious.
So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up,Β "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats donβt hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You donβt understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats arenβt like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"Iβm Josephineβs parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
He doesnβt have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: βThis is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesnβt have any legs, but he is very smart.β
The man asks, βIf he doesnβt have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?β
βHe holds on with his dick.β the clerk answered.
The man asks β How much?β
βSince he doesnβt have any legs, Iβll sell him to you for fifty bucks.β
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, βAt eight oβclock this morning the mailman cameβ¦.β
Interrupting the man asks, βYeah and what happened?β
βhe came in the houseβ¦β
Furiously, the man asked βAnd thenβ
ββ¦and then he came into the bedroomβ¦β
Astounded the man impatiently asks, βWhat happened next?β
βHe began to take off his clothes and she hersβ¦β βWhat happened after that!β
The parrot then replied, βI donβt know I sprung a boner and fell off!β
Ronnie goes to the auction.
He notices a parrot that was on auction.
Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.
Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."
Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that werenβt expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the birdβs attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said βI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. Iβll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.β
David was astonished at the birdβs change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, βMay I ask what did the chicken do?β
A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man bent down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."
The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again.
He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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