Animal Jokes

funny jokes about animal and hilarious stories

BEST ANIMAL JOKES

Animal jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Animal of all time along with the funniest animal gags ever told.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

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The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals
The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

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Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

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Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?
the Polar Bear

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Barak Obama was touring the countryside...
... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.

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Two guys were trapped in a desert island.. NSFW
A lot of time went by and they were starting to feel a little horny. So one said to the other

-Man, i never had any gay sex before..not sure i feel comfortable about it..

-Ok, since both of us never had gay sex before and neither of us wants to get fucked, lets play a game. I will ask you a question, If you get it right, I let you fuck me. And if youre wrong, I fuck you. Deal?

-Ok, deal.

-What animal is small and furry and goes "meow"?

-A crocodile

-Correct!

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LATEST ANIMAL JOKES

A baby seal walked into a club
My son has a new stuffed animal

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What kind of animal goes "LMAO"?
Hy-Ayy-nas

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Whats the dumbest animal in the desert?
The polar bear.

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never ask wife for too much sex
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:

"That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained:

"But this animal expects it four or five times a YEAR!"

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Amazing animal fact: Give a pig an apple and it will make bacon.

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What kind of animal makes the worst scarf?
A Chinchiller.

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What was Hitler's favourite animal?
Adolphin.

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Dalai Lama must reincarnate. China-says dalai lama is less-and-less-influential-but-must-reincarnate.
"Chinese official: The Dalai Lama matters less and less β€” but he must reincarnate and we get to approve his successor" This is the JOKE of the Day. China should Reincarnate as a better animal.

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World's fastest animal.
A group of scientists wanted to see who actually was the world's fastest land animal so they gathered the fastest ones and had a race. The shorthorn antelope won by default. The fastest one was disqualified because it cheetah'd.

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Animals Joke
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

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What animal never forgets national tragedies?
the nine-elephant

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

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Awesome reply from camel to elephant
An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

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Two rednecks are out hunting in the woods (nsfw)
One of them finds a weird animal, and for the life of him can't figure out what it is, so he calls his buddy over

"Hey Jimbo! Get over here and look at this thing"

Jimbo comes over, but is no help, he can't make heads or tails of it either

"You got any idea what in the hell that there thing is?" he asked Jimbo

He replies "I reckon I ain't got no clue...but I'm gunna fuck it"

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A bear wakes up from hibernation...
... with a raging erection. He then proceeds to try and catch an animal to bone. The tortoise, being the slowest critter in the forest, can't run away and instead retreats into it's shell. The bear grabs the reptile, turns it over... turns it over again... and asks "Where's your vagina?". The terrified tortoise cries from within it's shell "Please, leave me alone, I don't even have a vagina". The bear thinks about it for a second and then asks "Where are you talking from?".

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"Why do you have boobs on your back?"
An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

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A hunter accidently shot a sacred animal one day...
... And the devil came to him. He said 'Ordinarily, I would take you to Hell for this. However, I will let you go, as long as you are able to cope with living with 3 of the poor beasts you shot. However, you must keep them alive and close to you at all times.'

The hunter replied 'HA! Do your worst! I've killed these beasts, I can muster the strength to keep them under control.'

He devil raised the first; a rabbit, with rabies. The hunter wasn't fazed. Then the devil raised the second; a vicious boar.

The hunter said 'A bit of a challenge, but I expected more.'

'You asked for it' said the devil, and raised the last one; and the man immediately shot himself.

'Yeah...' Said the devil. 'His mother-in-law might have been overkill.'

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I was in an interview today...
And the interviewer asked me "What kind of animal are you?"

I said, "Well, I can't pick just one, I'm a mix. I'm as loyal as a dog. I'm as social as an orca. Smart like a dolphin. Majestic as a jaguar. I have the memory of a goldfish. The bloated ego of a cat. And the memory of a goldfish.

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I went to the zoo the other day
There was only a single animal, it was a dog. It was a shih tzu...

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A blonde was having a conversation with an elephant, a pufferfish, and a fox...
The blonde said to the elephant, "If the pufferfish was a human he would be a Muslim, because he just loves to blow himself up." The elephant broke out laughing but the blonde cut him off and said to the pufferfish, "I don't know why he's laughing, if he was a human he would be a Jew, and I think he nose why." The pufferfish was now laughing uncontrollably, and the fox who was also with them realising he would be next if he didn't say something - said to the blonde, "If you were an animal you would be a whale, always wet, moaning, and ready to blow."

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ANIMAL JOKES THAT ARE...

Animal jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about animals, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

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A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

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Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

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Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?
the Polar Bear

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What is the only animal with an asshole on its back?
A police horse

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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a Shitzu

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A guy walks into a zoo that only had one animal in it.
It was a Shih Tzu.

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BEST INSULTING JOKES

Insults and rude words some of which about yo mama and babies, other about parrots, and other animals.

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
faces like yours
belong in a zoo.


Don't worry I'll be there too,
not in the cage,
but laughing at you.

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Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.

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Yo Mamma so stupid she put on bug spray before she goes to the flee market!

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Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.

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Yo' Mama is so ugly, when I walked past your fence, she came out barking.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

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Yo mama's so fat, Godzilla tried to f**k her and fell in.

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Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

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Yo' Mama is so poor, when she goes to the park, the pigeons throw her bread.

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Some of the all time most awful jokes about dogs, cats, fish and other animals.

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

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You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh.

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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.


"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds.


One of the boys said, "What is that?"
"They're smart pills," said the other boy.
"Eat them and they'll make you smarter."
So he ate them and said, "These taste like crap."
"See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already."

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Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats.
Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.


Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"

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WHAT ARE ANIMAL JOKES ABOUT?

Animal is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about animal.

Are Animal jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring animal joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read animal jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with animal jokes on YouTube.

TOP KIDS JOKES THAT ARE ANIMAL

Cute and Q&A jokes for kids, 5 year olds, preschoolers about zoo, farm animals puns and funny memes.

Teacher: "What does a duck say?"
Jenny: "Quack Quack"
Teacher: "What does a cow say?"
Madison: "Moo"
Teacher: "What does a pig say?"
Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"

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Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

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Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?Β 
A: She liked kids...

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There is three kids sitting at the lunch table one day.


One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby?
One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies.
Rape

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Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

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Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"
Little Johnny: "2 lions & 3 wolves."

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Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!

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Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"

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I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

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How do you tell if a black girls pregnant?
Shove a banana up her vagina and if you pull it out half eaten then you got a monkey on the way.

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Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

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A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on.
"If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

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Q: What animal has the most kids.
A: A sperm whale.

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Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers.
When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing.
"Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?"
"I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"

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A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig.


She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.
"Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"
"That’s easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

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Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

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Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

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My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.


The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.


He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

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Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!

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Two guys meet:
"Where were you lost my friend? says one of them.

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"Well, I took my kids to the zoo..."
"And what kind of animals did you see there?"
"The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was β€œahgrrr...”
"Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesn’t go β€œahgrrr..” … She β€œgrrrrsss..”!
"Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"

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Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."

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A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them.


The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!"
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it.
Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!"
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.
The mother ran over and stomped on it.
The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"

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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road.


He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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A little girl asked her mother, "

How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

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How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.

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Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.


Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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TOP CAT JOKES THAT ARE ANIMAL

Funny jokes about cats, pussy cats and kittens.

A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist hang out together...
Zoophile: "We should fuck a cat"

Sadist: "Yeah and after that we torture it to death"

Necrophile: "Awesome idea! And when it's dead we will fuck it again"

Pyromaniac: "And wenn we're done we just set that molested animal on fire!"

Then the Masochist clears his throat and whispers: "Meeoooow"

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Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection?
...because curiosty killed the cat

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Animals missing legs.
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

General Tso's chicken

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with no front legs?

Lean beef

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What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.

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cat problems
A girl cat asked her boyfriend cat where her mouse stuffed animal was. He says "that was a stuffed animal? I thought it was real so I ate it!"

She responds: "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE MICE THINGS"

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Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal...."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

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A man is on trial for animal necrophilia...
The judge asks the man to explain his actions.

The man replies: "Your honor, I had no idea the cat was dead when I was fucking it."



I forgot where I heard that one but I always enjoy it.

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Q: What is a black cat's favorite color?
A: Purrrrrr-ple!

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A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See.

.. here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

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Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

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Q: What do women and cats have in common?
A: Pussy farts.

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Why do animal rights activists hate NASA?
Because curiosity killed the cat.

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I got a cat the other day.
I had to swerve, but I got it.

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Cats are allergic to Chuck Norris.

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In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.


Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.

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A man with a cat in his coat enters a bar . . .
A man with a cat in his coat enters a bar. He sits down at a table and allows the cat to roam free. The bartender doesn't like the fact that there's an animal in the bar and asks the man to collect his cat and leave. The man orders a beer and the bartender refuses to serve it because the man brought a cat into the bar. The man gets mad and tells his cat to attack the bartender, at which point the bartender relents and serves the man a beer. The cat then asks the bartender "Hey, where's my beer?" And the bartender says "What are you talking about? You're a cat. You don't drink beer." And the cat gets mad and pisses on him.

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I was in an interview today...
And the interviewer asked me "What kind of animal are you?"

I said, "Well, I can't pick just one, I'm a mix. I'm as loyal as a dog. I'm as social as an orca. Smart like a dolphin. Majestic as a jaguar. I have the memory of a goldfish. The bloated ego of a cat. And the memory of a goldfish.

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There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"

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A man brings his cat to a veterinarian.


He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian:
Is my cat still alive?
Still not...

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A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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Go to your back door and look for the dog.


If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Yours sincerely,Β 
The CAT

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A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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Instructions for cleaning the toilet
**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

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In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth;

they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office.
The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in.
He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy.
The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl.
The cat is told to wait outside.
He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in.
The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining,
"I was sent to deliver him."

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A dog owner and a cat owner are walking the owner's dog...
And are unsurprisingly arguing about which animal is better.

"Don't you feel unloved and used every time your cat demands food and doesn't show a shred of gratitude after you feed it?" Asks the dog owner.

"Not really," replies the cat owner. "I know that my cat loves me, and I don't need a soppy display of affection every time I acknowledge its existence." The duo stop as the dog squats to poop. "And I suppose you feel love and happiness every time your dog does that and you have to pick it up," the cat owner says sarcastically.

"No," the dog owner admits as he stoops over, plastic bag in hand, "I feel shit."

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Dr. SchrΓΆdinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling.
Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your (potential) loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

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Chuck Norris isn't a cat person but if he was, he would own 3 lions, a snow leopard, and cougar.

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If Chuck Norris were a cat he would have ten lives.

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How do you make a dog meow?
Freeze it solid and run it through a band saw.


How do make a cat woof?

Douse it in gasoline and throw a match.


Sorry to all the animal lovers out there.

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TOP DOG JOKES THAT ARE ANIMAL

Funny jokes about puppy and grown up dogs.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a Shitzu

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A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house
He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

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Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.
After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...
...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.

"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.

"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.

"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.

They debated until the train came and hit them.

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A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.

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The zoo
A man was walking around town when he noticed a billboard advertising the new zoo in town. He'd been hearing all about it, and since he had nothing better to do that day, he decided to check it out. Much to the man's surprise, when he got there, the only animal there was a single dog. It was a Shitzu.

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A man goes to the zoo.
There's only one animal.

It's a dog.

It's a shitzu.

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A man goes to a zoo...
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu.










^shit zoo

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal there is a dog. It is a shih tzu.

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I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal; a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu

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A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.
A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.

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Animals missing legs.
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

General Tso's chicken

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with no front legs?

Lean beef

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a man walks into a zoo. the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. it's a shitzu.
heh.

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I went to the zoo the other day...
The only animal they had was a small dog.
It was a shih tzu

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I went to the Zoo today, only animal there was a dog...
It was a Shih Tzu

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog.

It is a shihtzu.

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I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shih tzu.

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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal...."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

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A walk to the zoo.
A man walks for four days to visit a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

The dog looks like a St. Bernard, but the man is steadfast in his belief that it is, with certainty, a Shih Tzu.

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Little Johnny: β€žMom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

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Mother: β€žNo, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"

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I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.


That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.

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When driving, they say it is always better hit the animal rather than swerve.
You know, for safety reasons. Swerving endangers everybody around you.

So, I was driving one day, and all of a sudden, a dog jumps out of nowhere and runs across the road! Luckily, i somehow manage to miss him.

I had to chase the fucking thing across a field for 15 minutes before i could hit it.

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A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the zoo is one dog. It's a shitzu.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.


He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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I went to the zoo the other day...
It was just a really bad zoo overall, just a run down old place. It had only animal too, a dog.
It was a shih tzu.

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A man goes to the zoo...
When he gets there he realizes that this particular zoo only has one animal. A dog..
It was a shi tzu

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What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A lot of bites.

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Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.

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What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dog in its mouth.

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A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.


Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"

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A man walks into a zoo
and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

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What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog?
A tourist.

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Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.

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Why do police dogs lick their balls?
To get the taste of Nigger out their mouths.

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"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."

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A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.


He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.

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A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown.


She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep.
She goes up to the farmer and ask, "If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?"
The farmer nodded. She continued. "159" The farmer is surprised. "How did you know?"
"Lucky guess" She grabs one and gets in her car.
The farmer comes up and says, "If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?"

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Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.

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Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

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In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

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Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street?
Police Dog Joke Submitted by Kabogga.

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A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a **shitzhu**.

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my dog is a christian
* Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature? Pastor replied, No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, maybe they will do it. The man said, Do you think they will accept a donation of U.S $250,000 for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian?

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Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.

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A man walks into a zoo...
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

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A man walks into a zoo...
...and the only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog. It was a shitzu.

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Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"

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Pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok.
Pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind.

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Went to the zoo last week and all they had was one animal and it was a dog...
It was a shih tzu.

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A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded.
One day a woman knocked at his door.
β€œIs that your big dog outside?”
Wondering how she had got past him he said: β€œYes why?”
She said "I’m sorry but my dog just killed him!”
β€œWhat?” Roared the man β€œWhat kind of dog have you got?”
β€œA Peke” Replied the woman.
β€œA Peke? How could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?”
β€œI think it got stuck in his throat!” replied the woman.

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So an elf walks into an animal shelter...
...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.

Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."

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Gorilla in my tree!
A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"

The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."

The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"

The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"

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Bad Zoo
I went to a one time and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

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A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.


The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."

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A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.


She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"

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Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.


For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk.
The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk.
The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk.
However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

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There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."

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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, β€œHippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, β€œSliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called β€œBullshit, come!”
Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.


The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

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Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in.


Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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I went to a zoo the other day
I went to a zoo the other day
There was only one animal in the zoo
a dog
it was a shitzu

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A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.


He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.

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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

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Good animal joke
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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A man went to a zoo
He discovered there was only one animal there
It's a dog
It was a Shitzu

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A man walks into a zoo...
There is only one animal in the zoo. A dog. It's a Shitzu.

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A man goes to the zoo,
As he walks around he see's only one animal, a dog.

It's a schitzu

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Service animal
A guy and his dog walk into a store and the clerk says, "Sorry we only allow service animals in the store." The man says, "He is a service animal." "What kind?" says the clerk. "He licks my balls,"says the man. The clerk says,"Ok, go ahead."

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Service Animals Only
A guy and his dog walk into a store and the clerk says, "Sorry we only allow service animals in the store." The man says, "He is a service animal." "What kind?" says the clerk. "He licks my balls," says the man. "Ok, go ahead." says the clerk.

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The dog is the worst animal to be with...
When somebody decides to call you a bitch. Because you're holding the dog that's being walked, at a higher degree of respect than the person walking it. You see someone walking a dog and someone asks "who's that", and you say "a bitch with a dog". The bitch in that context, is the walker, not the dog.

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I went to the zoo the other day...
The only animal there was a single dog.

It was a shihtzu.

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Two animals in a forrest.
Two animals are walking together in the forrest and one of them ask the other: - What kind of an animal are you?
- I am a wolfhound!
- What is that?
It then asks.
- Well my mother was a dog and my father was a wolf!
The other one said.
- And you?
The other one then asked.
- What kind of an animal are you?
- Well i am a Bearant!

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How do you make a dog meow?
Freeze it solid and run it through a band saw.


How do make a cat woof?

Douse it in gasoline and throw a match.


Sorry to all the animal lovers out there.

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How much do I owe Yo' Mama?
My dog came home happy last night.

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Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.


Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

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I went to an animal exhibition but there was only one enclosure with a small dog in it.
It was a shih tzu.

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Q:Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A:Right where you left him.

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Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

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Labradoodles were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Labrador and a Poodle at the same time.

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What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlemoo.

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Yo mommas so stupid when she licked a dog she said meow.

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A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.


"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

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One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.


When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, β€œSee the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, β€œSee the baby?”

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A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.


He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!"
He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

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A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.
β€žWhat on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by.
The blind man replies, β€žNothing, just looking around a bit."

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A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.


"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."

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So a guy walks into a zoo...
and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

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I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal they had was a small dog.
It was a shih-tzu.

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A dog owner and a cat owner are walking the owner's dog...
And are unsurprisingly arguing about which animal is better.

"Don't you feel unloved and used every time your cat demands food and doesn't show a shred of gratitude after you feed it?" Asks the dog owner.

"Not really," replies the cat owner. "I know that my cat loves me, and I don't need a soppy display of affection every time I acknowledge its existence." The duo stop as the dog squats to poop. "And I suppose you feel love and happiness every time your dog does that and you have to pick it up," the cat owner says sarcastically.

"No," the dog owner admits as he stoops over, plastic bag in hand, "I feel shit."

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I went to the zoo the other day
There was only a single animal, it was a dog. It was a shih tzu...

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I was in an interview today...
And the interviewer asked me "What kind of animal are you?"

I said, "Well, I can't pick just one, I'm a mix. I'm as loyal as a dog. I'm as social as an orca. Smart like a dolphin. Majestic as a jaguar. I have the memory of a goldfish. The bloated ego of a cat. And the memory of a goldfish.

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TOP FISH JOKES THAT ARE ANIMAL

Funny jokes about marine mammals and fish.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of leggins?
2 calves, 1 ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, a camels toe and a fish that no cunt can find!

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves,
an ass,
a beaver,
a whole bunch of hairs,
and a fish that you just can't seem to find

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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

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How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

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Me: Hey look its Nemo!
Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish.
Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing on a cliff...
...suddenly, a genie appears and tells them that they each could jump off this cliff and say the name of anything, and they would turn into that. The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Eagle!" and she turns into an eagle and soars away. The redhead jumps off the cliff and says "Fish!" and she turns into a fish, lands in a river and swims away. The blonde starts arrogantly walking toward the cliff, thinking her animal was going to be the best, then she trips over the cliff and, startled, says, "Shit!"

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Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

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Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.

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Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret?
He was a blubber mouth.

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What kind of whale flies?
Pilot whales.

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Why did the whale like the diver?
Because he had flippers.

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Why don't lobsters share?
They re shellfish.

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What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.


Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.


He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

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Why don't whales eat sushi very often?
Of course whales like sushi.


It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

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What do you call fish poop?
BassTurds!

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How many animals are in a pair of pantyhose?
Well there is 10 little piggies, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy and a dead fish, no one can find.

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Piranhas in the aquarium: sink your finger, lose your finger-game!

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If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!

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A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "

What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

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TOP PARROT JOKES THAT ARE ANIMAL

Funny jokes about creativity and ingenuity of parrots.

A man's parrot had recently died...
...so he goes to a pet store to get another animal to cheer him up. The pet store owner asks him what he's looking for. The man replies his parrot has recently passed away, and he wants another animal that can talk.

The owner says he doesn't have any parrots, but a centipede that can talk. The man buys the centipede and a cage for it, then heads home. A few hours later, the man wants to see if the centipede can really talk, so he goes up to the cage and asks: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?" There's no reply, so the man asks again, in a louder tone: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?".

Again, no reply. The man gets extremely frustrated, thinking the store owner ripped him off, and yells: "DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!". A tiny voice replies: "I heard you the first time! I was just putting on my shoes!"

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Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: A bird that will talk your ear off!

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Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

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At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet.


The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.


He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again.
He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

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A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."

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A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.


But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.


The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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Pirates.
What's a pirate's favorite subject? Arrrrt?
Ok, you got that one.

What's a pirates favorite animal?
An Aarrrrdvark?
No, a parrot, you dumbass.

What's a pirate's favorite element? Arrrgon?
No, gold!

What's a pirate's favorite way to get around?
A ship?
You're an imbecile, it's obviously a car. Do you know how inconvenient -cars- *SHIPS* are in the 21st century?

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A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet.
A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticedΒ the parrot.
He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeperΒ replied,Β "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'".
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious.
So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up,Β "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"

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There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"

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A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man bent down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

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Ronnie goes to the auction.
He notices a parrot that was on auction.
Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.
Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."
Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

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What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

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David received a parrot for his birthday.


The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said β€œI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, β€œMay I ask what did the chicken do?”

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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.


This parrot was a very nasty parrot.
It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, β€œOn no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, β€œI’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, β€œWhy the change?”
The bird answered, β€œBecause I saw what you did to the other bird."

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A man is looking for a rare animal to add to his family's collection....
he goes to quite a few pet shops with no luck. he is just about out of options when he seemingly gets a hit. the pet shop owner explains to him that he may have the rarest animal alive, a parrot with no legs that hangs from its penis and can talk. excitedly the man haggles a price and heads home with his new addition. his wife "thanks" him vigorously and they head to bed. the next day he wakes, does his usual routine, kisses his wife then heads off to work. upon his arrival home, he finds the house empty except for the bird. he asked the bird what happened today.
"rah, the mailman came to the door"
okay, what else?
"rah, your wife invited him in for coffee"
strange...go on?
"rah, then they started kissing and hugging"
WHAT?!?!
"rah, then they started taking off eachothers clothes"
AND THEN!?!!?
"rah, I don't know the rest, I popped a boner and fell off...."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.


He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: β€œThis is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, β€œIf he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
β€œHe holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
β€œSince he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”

The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.

So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, β€œAt eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, β€œYeah and what happened?”
β€œhe came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked β€œAnd then”
β€œβ€¦and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, β€œWhat happened next?”
β€œHe began to take off his clothes and she hers…” β€œWhat happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, β€œI don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

Best of 1773 Funny Animal Jokes. Funniest animal jokes of all time about fish, reptile, bird, mammal and amphibian creatures from the farm, zoo or any wilderness in nature.

You've read some of the best animal jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about animal. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty animal gags to your kids.

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