animal Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious animal puns

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

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Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

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A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

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How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper?

All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

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They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

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Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

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I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a suitcase.

Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

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Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

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I phoned the animal shelter today

and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves,
an ass,
ten little piggies,
a beaver,
a shit load of hares,
and a fish that no one can seem to find!

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Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

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A donkey had an IQ of 186.

He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

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Your momma so slutty...

...her spirit animal is the swallow.

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A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

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Three blondes were walking through a forest...

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

A doctor

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What's a vegan's favorite animal?

A high horse

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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!"

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried, "Holy crap! How big are the cats?!"

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

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What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

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Girls say I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

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Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

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I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish nobody can find.

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Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

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*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

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What are the most funny Animal jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Animal? Well, here are the best Animal dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Animal pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes