The Best 86 Animal Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Animal jokes. There are some animal elk jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these animal critter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Animal Jokes and Puns
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
Panda and a Prostitute
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'
What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...
...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.
"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.
"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.
"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.
They debated until the train came and hit them.
How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.
"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"
What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?
A balloon animal!
What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet?
An elephant with diarrhea.
A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house
He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'
A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
You can explore animal enclosure reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean animal veterinary dad jokes. There are also animal puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
I used to be in an animal rights group...
But that was before i screwed the pooch.
Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
An elephant escaped from the circus...
...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"
There are 500 bricks on a plane...
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
Genius
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?
Because the shelter was non prophet.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog...because it croaks every night
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog
It was a shitzu.
Animals can sense disasters before they happen.
That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?
A mole
What was Hitler's favourite aquatic animal?
Adolfin.
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?
A Trojan horse.
THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise
What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?
A doctor
A woman was trying on her new fur coat.
Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."
Your momma so slutty...
...her spirit animal is the swallow.
I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.
If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper?
All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies?
A rotisserie chicken
Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?
An animal that knits its own sweaters.
what animal takes up the most land?
a groundhog.
If you ever need to fit 2 of every animal on a boat...
I Noah guy.
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
Retail store. I know I'm lame.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
The retail store
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
What's a vegan's favorite animal?
A high horse
Mother and son in Grocery store.
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
They found a cat on mars...
A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
What is a black dad's favorite animal?
Bison
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.
The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal...
More scared of you than you are of me
A man goes to a zoo and is disappointed to find it has only one animal, a dog
It's a Shih Tzu.
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
A professor makes a bet with a student
A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.
Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?
The student having no idea hands the professor $1.
Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?
The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.
Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?
The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.
I'm like a wild animal in bed.
More afraid of you than you are of me.
I phoned the animal shelter today
and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
Wife: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Me: Well, it has to do with the original animal vectors and -
Wife: No! For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, he came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, Why aren't you multiplying?
The snakes replied, We can't, we're adders.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
Zoology Tip
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?
Do not accept if seal is broken.
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...
...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.
If an animal was little, blue and had leaves coming out of it you'd think it's odd
But if it was a Pokemon, you'd think it's just Oddish.
I visited the zoo in another town...
there was only one animal.
It was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Did you ever wonder...
how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?
A family walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog.
...
It was as a Shitzu
Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.
Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?
Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.
Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*
Einstein asks: What is it?
Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute
The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
A man walks into a zoo, and there's only one animal. It's a dog.
It's a shitzu.
I met my wife at the zoo.
The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.
A teacher was teaching her class about whales.
She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn't possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, When I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah.
The teacher replied, What if Jonah went to Hell?
The girl said: Then you ask him.
The animals in the zoo are bored.
The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "Bet i can slither through your guts and out your ass" With that he shoots up the elephant's trunk. The elephant quickly jams his trunk up his own ass and says "Ha!.. You're snookered."
A man walked into a zoo.
There was only one animal in the entire zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What's a Robots favorite animal?
A cowculator.
From my 7 year old.
Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.
That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!
The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.
You could even say they were like fish out of water.
Three blondes are on a walk
While on this walk, they come across an interesting set of tracks. Taking interest in it, each of the girls have a guess as to what animal it could be.
The first blond said "I bet those are bear tracks", to which the other two scoff and say there were no bears around.
The second blond says "they might be raccoon tracks", but the others point out they have never seen raccoon tracks that big before.
The third one, joking, says "I bet those are elephant footprints" and they have a good laugh about it.
Then the train hit them.
How is a joke like an animal?
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it would be ridiculous to expect a cat with its stomach contents spread out across a table to get up and catch a rat, and it would be similarly unfathomable to expect a joke with its punchline spelled out over a dozen lines of text to still produce a guffaw. How anyone...
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the animal animal football jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working animal knock knock animal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.