Happy Animal Bar Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Welsh pub
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
Taxidermist walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
A guy walks into a r**... bar.
A guy walks into a r**... bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."
"North Dakota?" the bartender asks. "What the h**... you do in North Dakota?"
"I'm a taxidermist," the guy replies.
"A taxidermist, what the h**... is that?" the bartender asks.
The guy says nervously, "Um, I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"
A man met a woman at a bar and she invited him home
Once there, they head straight to her bedroom. The guy sees her shelves are covered with stuffed animals. It seems a little weird, but he thinks maybe she didn't get many of them when she was younger, and now she's making up for it. Regardless, they jump in bed together.
After s**..., the guy says "That was amazing. How was it for you?"
She replies "You may have anything from the bottom shelf."
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an
ugly woman takes a seat next to him.
She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.
The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you."
George says: "It must be a crocodile?"
She replies: "Close enough"
A black Christian man and a white Jewish man walk into a bar...
"That's racist!"
Okay, so a Christian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar...
"That's religionist!"
Okay, so two men walk into a bar...
"That's sexist!"
Okay, so a man and a woman walk into a bar...
"That's homophobic!"
Okay, so two people walk into a bar...
"That's ableist!"
Okay, so two people enter a bar...
"That promotes alcoholism!"
Okay, so two people enter a place...
"Animals have rights too!"
Okay, so two animals, which may or may not be human, enter a place...
"I've heard this one before!"
A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing trip to Canada.
After a hard day on the s**..., he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall... He asks the bartender, "What the fock is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fock me! How big are the cats here?"
You can explore animal bar carnivore reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean animal bar invertebrate dad jokes. There are also animal bar puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A bear, a mountain lion, and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, holy s**... okay everyone stay calm, I'm calling animal control
This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.
The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."
Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and r**..., knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.
Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come on, man. I could use a beer to wash that down."
Shaking his head, the barman says "No wild animals and no drug addicts "
Confused, the bear says "Drug addicts? What drugs?"
The bartender shrugs. "What about that bar-b**...-you-ate?"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion," he complains to the bartender. "She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business."
A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar...
The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know."
A horse walked into a bar...
The bartender said Dear God!
Animal Control was called shortly thereafter
A man walks into a bar ...
with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'
a giraffe, a zebra, a hippo, and a mouse walk into a bar
all of the animals hit their head on the bar except for the mouse which walked easily beneath it
A cat walks into a bar
And it is then rescued and killed by Peta. Stray animals are a threat in all situations
A horse walks into a bar
And the bartender says, "can somebody get that animal out of here?"
Then the horse says, "Dude, don't be racist."
An elephant walks into a bar...
And the bartender calls animal control and everything works out for everyone.
A duck walks into a bar
Animal control services are promptly called and the duck is released into a nearby park.
