Angry Wife Jokes
119 angry wife jokes and hilarious angry wife puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about angry wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Angry Wife Short Jokes
Short angry wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The angry wife humour may include short angry woman jokes also.
- 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rain Maybe I should let them in
- I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look... ... I knew I was in hot water.
- My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
- My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we've been up for three weeks.
- My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"... Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"
- My wife is angry because she thinks I'm letting birds make a home in my beard. They're obviously not staying though. It's just a Hairbnb.
- My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch. It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.
- Angry husband filled wife's car with concrete after she changed her surname She could take him to the court. She had.... concrete evidence
- I just proposed to my best friend of 25 years My wife got a bit angry, and Brian also seemed a bit confused
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Angry Wife One Liners
Which angry wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with angry wife? I can suggest the ones about husband wife angry and jealous wife.
- The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry... we haven't slept in 36 years.
- Tardiness makes me extremely angry. As my late wife found out.
- Why was Moses' wife angry? He gave her the burning bush.
- What did one doughnut say to the other... ...you look a little glazed
- Me: Alexa, get me a glass of water. Angry Wife: Stop calling me Alexa😠😠
- What did a chef cook to his angry wife? Spaghetti Apolognese
- My wife and I are doing the whole "don't go to bed angry thing." I'm exhausted.
- How do you make both God and Satan angry at you? You r**... Satan's wife.
- Why was the Robot angry at the engineer? Because he s**... his wife!
Fun-Filled Angry Wife Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about angry wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crazy wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make angry wife pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.
He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of s**..., jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!"
His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was invited to a party.
Suddenly I f**... when an angry man shouted: "Why do you f**... in presence of my wife?"
I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
A group of friends went golfing one day...
-and after the round one of the men was very distraught after hitting a 107.
-He was so angry that he didn't even want to go to the bar afterwards to have a drink with his friends.
-So he decided to just drive home and take a load off.
-When he walked in the door his wife asked him how his round of golf went.
-He then punched her right in the face and said "I'm hitting everything fat today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
A man left work
one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a fellow is walking along the beach...
...and he finds a lamp. "Oh boy," thinks he, and rubs the lamp. Out pops a very angry looking genie. "I am the divorce genie! You get three wishes, but for whatever you wish, I will grant your ex-wife double!"
The fellow thinks a bit. First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Second, he wishes for an island villa. Duly, the genie grants his wishes, but informs him snarkily that his ex-wife has received double, and inquires as to his third wish.
"Genie," he intones with a smirk, "I wish that you would beat me half to death."
My wife got really angry when I spent a lot of money on a make-your-own perfume kit
...but it made scents to me
A man is late to his twin's birth
A man is late to his twin's birth, he gets to the hospital and apologizes to his wife for being late. The wife says, I am sorry, they needed paper work done, I let your brother name the children. The husband somewhat angry and shocked, "You let my crazy brother Larry name our children, what did he name the girl". "Denise", said the wife. The man repeated it "Denise..Denise..Denise..Denise is a pretty name what did he name the boy?"....The wife responded...."DaaNephew".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arty
Joe is extremely angry and frustrated with his wife of 20 years and finally decides to find a contract killer to get rid of her. He knows this will cost more money than he has so he asks to borrow some funds from his best friend Arty. Arty surprises Joe by saying, "I have never liked your wife so I will gladly m**... her for only a dollar."
Later, Arty is hiding outside the grocery store where Joe's wife works and as she leaves he drags her behind the store into an alley and strangles her. Just as he is dragging her body behind some bushes, the store manager comes out and sees him. So Arty attacks the manager and strangles him as well. Again, as he hides the body, a clerk comes out of the store so Arty has to do the same thing one more time. By this time, with all of the commotion, the police arrive and discover what has happened. They arrest Arty and the next morning the headline in the town newspaper reads:
ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE LOCAL MARKET
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife and a convict...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Clueless husband
A woman was laying in bed with her husband at night when she said:"honey i m cold" , he said: "wear warmer clothes", then she said "i m still very cold" he responds "cover yoursef with another blanket" ,the wife who seemed displeased said:"when i was cold my mother used to hug me tightly and cuddle til we slept" her husband says in an angry voice:"Are you telling me we should bring your mother to sleep with us,why do you always say unromantic things in bed!".
A marriage in trouble
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
Joke told by my pastor
There was a couple riding in a car together, arguing. Neither wanted to concede the argument, so they didn't stop. Eventually, they both got tired out, and settled into an angry silence.
A few miles down the road, they passed a barn full of the most disgusting pigs and cows imaginable. The angry wife sniped at her husband, "Are those part of your family?"
The husband responded, "Yes, they're my in-laws."
Keep strong!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Chinese takeout
My wife has been angry at me all night for bringing her six bowls of soup back from the local Chinese restaurant.
I don't know what her deal is, she very clearly asked for wanton soup.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drunk man was sitting in restaurant.
While eating he farts very loudly in a restaurant.
The man on the next table gets very angry and says, "Excuse me, you have no decency. You f**... before my wife."
Drunk Man: "Sorry, I did not know it was her turn."
Adrian Veidt's wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman.
As she approaches him with angry tears, he says "I did it 35 minutes ago."
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
My wife and I were camping...
and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
MY WIFE IS A LIAR!
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
I tried to tell my wife about the water flowing on Mars, but she was too angry to listen.
I guess there was blood flowing on Venus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.
He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.
Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"
"W-What?"
"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"
"Why?"
"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...
And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's f**... that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"
I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence
But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court
My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...
My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, She's going through change.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best way to make your wife angry during s**...?
Call her and tell her where you are.
For our 10th wedding anniversary, my wife wanted me to surprise her.
But when i introduced her to my mistress, she got very angry.
There really is no pleasing some people.
What's the difference between a dry, moldy cranberry and an angry blue bird?
One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin.
^^^^^Credit ^^^^^to ^^^^^my ^^^^^wife.
My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work...
... so I had to fire her
My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich.
Oops, wrong sub.
My now angry wife asked me how much I thought she weighed, and I knew it was over 200, but instead I said:
"A hundred and plenty?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife says I have a problem with alcohol a**....
I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.
When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to my family.
g**... how angry my wife was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a joke about the plane c**... that had no survivors in it to my wife
She got angry at me and called me insensitive.
I told her, "you had to be there"
Moms and wifes act the same way
You bring a friend home to play with,without telling them and they always wanna get angry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you look at your wife's face when you are having s**...?
I did once and she looked really angry.
Why angry?
Because she was watching from the window!
My wife got angry at me because I didn't hold the door open for her
....Well I was trying to swim to the surface
Lady of my dreams
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife Got Angry I Was m**... Our Neighbor
I told her but the bible says "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself".
They say never to go to bed with your wife if you two are angry at each other...
Terrible relationship advice, I've been sleeping on the couch the last week.
Wife is angry as husband stands!
Wife is angry as husband stands too close to a
beautiful girl in the bus,
.
.
.
.
A few minutes later the girl slaps him for
pinching..
.
.
.
.
Husband to wife:
I swear I didn't
.
.
Wife: I know, I did it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking tea is bad for you.
Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Angry husband fills wife's car with concrete after she changed her surname
I hope she takes him to court, she has concrete evidence
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The next time your wife gets angry...
put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"
Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.
Next time your wife is angry....
Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"
Disclaimer: results may vary
A guy enters in a bar...
A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "
The programmer's wife asked him how much he loved her from 1 to 10
He said -2,147,483,647. She was very angry, even though he explained that it was a love overflow.
My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...
But I was just giving my two scents on the topic
Why did the husband get angry at his wife for cleaning the table?
He wrote an important phone number on the dust.
My wife got angry when I mentioned "one of a kind" while describing her. All I said was
"You're as unique as having one of a kind during a game of poker"
I bought one of those stickers that says "this machine kills fascists" today, but I don't know why my wife is so angry about it...
It's not like it's covering the license plate...
Why did Barry's wife get angry when he ate all the fruit?
'Cause that was the last straw, Barry.
A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.
The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !
My wife was so angry today. She said that she'll never public breastfeed anymore.
She also told me that she'll do it only after our first child is born.
I told my ex-wife that world is flat, she got really angry...
when I told her she my world, she decided to divorce.
