Angels Jokes

Following is our collection of halos humor and omnipotent one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Angels puns for adults, dirty angelic jokes or clean demons gags for kids.

There is an abundance of harp jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 42 funniest jokes on angels. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any satan witze you can hear about angels.

The Best jokes about Angels

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

God is talking to one of his angels and says

Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn't that good?

The angel says, Yes, but what will you do now?

God says, I think I'll call it a day.

In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.

Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."


So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."

The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.

She then went to the second and again did not laugh.

This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.

When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.

The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"

The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."

Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"

"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."

Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three
motorcycles…

The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.


An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.

When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.

"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"Sure have, and strung up by my nipples".

What is in a Nanaimo Bar?

Hells Angels, cocaine & strippers

What do angels use to make music?

Soundclouds

I made three snow angels the other day.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

God was creating the countries when it became Brazil's turn

God: This land will be a land filled with natural resources, the women will be beautiful, there will be no hurricanes or tornados, they will also have a lot of forests.

The angels were thinking this was a little too much and asked God, Isn't this a little too good?

God calmly answered: Wait for their politicians

I made snow angels this Christmas...

My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

Cheesecake

God: (creates cheesecake)

God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!

Angel: Don't you think you should be sharing that?

β€”pauseβ€”

God:(creates lactose intolerance)

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."


Recently I came back from Vatican City where I have realized that angels are real. One of them offered me to show the path to Heaven and I agreed.

Sadly, she charged me 50 Euros for the session.

Its the Christians vs Muslims football game...

and the Christians score a goal. From his seat in heaven, surrounded by angels, God cheers.

after a while the Muslims score a goal. Again God cheers. The angels are now confused... "Whose side are you on, Lord?", they ask. "Niether", replies God, "I am just enjoying the game."

(modified from Catholics vs Protestants)

A Letter from Heaven

I read this one almost a decade ago, surprisingly, I still remember it. Here goes:

One day in Heaven, God saw the Earth and became saddened by all the news of crimes, wars, and strife. He became disappointed with the prominence of evil in the world, and called forth some angels and told them, "I am disappointed by the amount of evil going on in this world, please go out and find me some morally good people, I would rest easy knowing that there is still good down there."

Two days later, an angel returned bearing grim news. "Dear God," the angel began, "I have searched every corner of the world, there is only a handful of good people in the world now. You'd best personally instruct them before they disappear forever."

God thought about it for a while and began, "Very well, I will personally write a letter to every one of these good people, please deliver them for me".

The angel took the letters after they were written and saw to their deliveries. All around the world, the good people soon received them and proceeded to read each and every one of the letters.

...

Oh, so you didn't get that letter either, huh?

We are not grammar Nazis,

We are grammar guardian angels.

Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven...

..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy one! It was eve.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

And st. Petrus asks the third nun: what was the first thing that eve said to adam?
She answers: oh... Thats a hard one!

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.

Obama asked, Will there ever be another black president?

God replied, Yes. But not during your lifetime.

Trump asked, Will liberals ever think I was a good president?

God said, Yes. But not during your lifetime.

Hillary asked, Will I ever be president of the United States?

God answered, Yes. But not during MY lifetime.

If god is bowling when its thundering...

If God is bowling when it's thundering and the angels are crying when it's raining, then what's going on up there when it's snowing...

What do Angels fans and gay men both have in common?

They both love Pujols

Where do Angels go for Shopping?

Saintsburys

"Excuse me, is this pool stirred up by angels and imbued with healing properties?"

"No, Sir, I'm afraid this font is sans-Seraph."

In the book of Mark, Chapter 12, Verse 25 the jesus says, "In heaven there is no marriage." No men, no women, only angels...

Sooooooo, it's like Berkley?

I would've felt a lot less cheated...

...if "Charlie's Angels - Coming Soon" was actually the movie they led me to believe it was.

I figured out why there are so many masturbation-related injuries

that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes

Female Ghostbusters?

What about male Charlie's Angels?

What do you call angels without wings?

Friends.
How about a friend that **has** wings?
An employee at KFC.

Mark 12:25 And Jesus said; In heaven there is no marriage. No men, no women, only angels.

So it's Social Justice Warrior paradise? Like Berkeley?

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods.

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods, because she had something they wanted. She managed to evade them till she saw the lights of a farmhouse, where she found a strange man muttering about "people's indifference to him before he put on the mask".

Crazed though this man might be, she ran towards him, praising God and the angels for her good luck. As she got closer, he stepped into the light, and raised his walkie-talkie with a cruel smile and said, "Dwayne, this is Tom. I've got her."

Too late, she realised she was caught between a Rock and a Hardy place.

Why do angels have wings?

So they don't trip over all the fetuses.

My girlfriend is an angel

Because angels don't exist and neither does my girlfriend

How do angels heat up their leftovers?

In the microwave on high

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

Los Angeles is so embarrassed by their baseball team, the Angels

so much so, they changed the city's name to Spanish to avoid association. They now have another team called the Dodgers

Why are arc angels in Muslim art so beautiful???

They had a limit for the number of eyeballs

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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