Delightful Fun Angeles Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck had a paper round!"
5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.
Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller
I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays
When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"
I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"
So a man calls an airport
A man calls an airport. The receptionist answers.
"Hello."
"Yes, hello. I have a question. How long is the flight from Los Angeles to Paris?"
"Just a minute."
"Thanks," says the man and hangs up.
Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
The Betty Ford Clinic
What do you get when you get in a fight with the Los Angeles Lakers lead point scorer?
Kobe beef
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?
In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U.C.L.A
What does Egyptian airport security have in common with Los Angeles airport security?
Both have LAX security.
You can explore angeles good reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean angeles police dad jokes. There are also angeles puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you set sail from Los Angeles, CA to Barrow, AK, what would your bering be?
Strait
Today in Los Angeles it's Kobe Bryant Day
No passing allowed on the freeways
When the smog clears over Los Angeles...
... U.C.L.A.
I am not at all sorry for this joke.
What did the Los Angeles Lakers finish on tuesday?
Kim Kardashian's chest.
I live in Santa Monica, Los Angeles. My girlfriend is taking a flight from London to come see me. I have promised her that I'll go pick her up from the airport
We'll both leave our respective houses at the same time :|
It used to be if you wanted to go to an NFL game in Los Angeles you couldn't....
Now you just don't want to!
Why does every person from San Diego have dead electronics?
Their chargers relocated to Los Angeles!
Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger?
O.J. Simpson
Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today
when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. The zoo keeper said "it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.
Did you hear, they are changing the name of the airport in Los Angeles?
I guess now it will be ex-lax.
When the Mexicans finally invade and take over Los Angeles, what will the city be renamed to?
El Eyyyy
Texted my buddy in Los Angeles to see how things were...he replied
"It's Lit"
What does a Los Angeles police officer get at a strip club?
a LAPDance
A guy walks into a golf shop in LA and starts yelling at the employees about how they have the worst drivers in the world...
The employees say welcome to Los Angeles
What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in Los Angeles?
Lahore.
What happens when the smog lifts from Los Angeles?
UCLA
What's the difference between Los Angeles and Kim Kardashian?
One is a dirty, washed-up place many great men have visited. The other one is a city in California.
Los Angeles usually has a thick smog covering its skyline. But when the smog lifts,
UCLA…
Johnny Carson Classic
The air quality in Los Angeles is so bad...
How bad is it?
When locals want to breathe fresh air, they suck the air out of tires from cars with out-of-state license plates.
I would hate to fly on an airline out of Los Angeles...
The security there is always so LAX
A blonde woman calls the airport
- Good morning! How much time will it take for me to get from Los Angeles to New York?
- Just a moment.
- And back?
There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.
The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.
When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.
What happens when the fog clears from Los Angeles?
UCLA
Los Angeles is so embarrassed by their baseball team, the Angels
so much so, they changed the city's name to Spanish to avoid association. They now have another team called the Dodgers
What happens when the fog lifts over Los Angeles?
UCLA
22, Male, Los Angeles, and hoping to find some hot tinder matches in my area
Please, this shelter's getting too crowded. I don't want to lose my house again.
I met a Hippo in Los Angeles wearing fishnets and a tank top
She referred to herself as a Hungry Hungry Clitpo
People of New York, Los Angeles & Miami, did you know you are living in 3 cities at the same time?
What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?
One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.
Everyone is upset about the UFC moving the event from Las Vegas to Los Angeles
I say it's their Los
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??
Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.
What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?
A dollar is good for 4 quarters.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport
Re:LAX
Recently went to Los Angeles and was driving slow down Highway 1 when I noticed that Kobe was driving behind me for hours.
I wonder why he didn't pass?
Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles
Mostly by ISIS
The longest drum solo.
Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
I heard there's a pretty good Halloween display in the Los Angeles Harbor this year.
Everywhere you look is quite the freight.
Got my wife during the game last night
Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:
Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?
Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago
Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?
Me: no it's Las Vegas
Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up
Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words
She didn't like it as much as I did :D
A buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets.
40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.
