Angel Jokes

What are some Angel jokes?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.

He replies, "I had no choice"

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

God making Adam

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A human.

Angel: What does it do?

God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.

A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!



The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....

Bob.... "How's your wife been?"

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"

Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?

Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."

The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.

She then went to the second and again did not laugh.

This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.

When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.

The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"

The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel.

It was much easier than telling her that she's dead.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

On the back of u/baldillin

A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.

In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?

Of course, God says, who can he tell?

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"

"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."

The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"

The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"

The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book. I want. to. finish. my. book."

About 5 minutes later, he hears a knock on the the door to his study. In a fury, he slams down his book, stomps over to the door, flings it open, and says "And just what do YOU want?"

An angel is standing there with a pine tree. "Where would you like me to put the christmas tree?"

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".

A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"

Mom: Why do you say that?

Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

Three guys die in a car crash...

At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?

One guy says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.

The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.

The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."

So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.

Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"

He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

[Request] Horrible Puns

One of my friends absolutely hates puns and cannot stand them. So of course I try to tell her at least one a day. I'm running out though, so could you help me out? I'll start:
"What do you call an angel burning to death?"
"A match made in heaven"

Two old baseball fans

Two old guys, Bob and Steve, are huge fans of baseball. As in, that was all they ever talked about. Bob was on his deathbed, when Steve told him something.

"Bob," he said, "When you get to Heaven, could you let me know if they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bob said "yes" and then passed away.


Three weeks later, as a still-grieving Steve was falling asleep, a sudden light from high up in heaven (!) shined down on him, and an angel from the lord was sent to Steve.

"Hey Steve," the angel, who was revealed to be Bob, said, "Great news!"

"Bob! What is it?!" Steve said.

"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that they *do have* baseball in Heaven."

"Whats the bad news?"

"You're pitching next week."

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.

A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."

Spelling bee in heaven.

A married woman named Harriet was very ill and passed away. When she ascended into heaven, an angel was waiting for her. The angel said, "You can be allowed into heaven, if you spell a word for me." Harriet replies, "OK, what's the word?"
"The word is love."
"L-O-V-E, love." Harriet spells.
"Welcome to heaven, but before you go in, can you watch the gate for me? I have to go do something. If someone comes up you know what to do" the angel asks.
"Okay," and the angel flies away. A couple minutes later her husband, Harry, comes to Heaven. Harriet asks him,
"What are you doing here," and he replies,
"I got so lonely back at home, that I decided to kill myself to come here with you." Harriet then says,
"Well, you have to spell a word to pass to heaven." Harry says,
"Okay, what's the word." Harriet says,
"Czechoslovakia."

A conversation between God and and Angel

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven?

He ate too much angel hair

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

Who's clock does this belong to?

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.

But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him.
Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa
"I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to put it?"

And that is how to tradition of the angel at the top of the tree started.

My Christmas joke.

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.

The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "

And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beautyβ€”or ten million dollars.

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The professor says, I should have taken the money.

Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :

β€’ My wife is an angel.

Ben tells him :

β€’ Lucky you, mine is still alive...

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

A bus full of the worlds most ugly people drives off a cliff..

They all die in a horrible, fiery, explosion.

They all go to heaven where they are greeted by an angel who grants all of them one wish to take with them into their next lives.

The 1st ugly spirit steps forward and wishes to be beautiful. The Angel grants his wish and a man in the very back of the line bursts out in laughter.

The 2nd steps forward and wishes to be even more beautiful than the previous spirit. The man in the back laughs even harder.

The 3rd ugly spirit and everyone else in line wishes to be more and more beautiful than the last all while the man in the back of the line laughs himself to tears until finally it comes to be his turn to be granted a wish by the angel.

"What do you wish for in your next life" The Angel asks.

To which the man replies

"I wish that they were all ugly again"

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

An angel will say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scotsman will say, "Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!"

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven...

...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions.

1. How many days of the week start with the letter T?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir."

Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?"

Forrest: "Why, today and tomorrow of course!"

Peter, slightly surprised, says "well, that wasn't the answer I was expecting, but that is correct. Next, how many seconds are there in a year?"

Forrest: "Twelve."

Peter: "Twelve?!"

Forrest: "Yeah, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."

Peter's more astonished than before at these unexpected answers. "Again, not what I was expecting, but correct. Finally, what is God's first name?"

Forrest: "Harold."

Peter: "Harold?!"

Forrest: "Yeah, it says so right in the lord's prayer. 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"

An angel walks into a bar

He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"

The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.

The angel then walks among some government workers celebrating after work. One of them, a one-legged man with severe diabetes, lupus, and one eye looks at the approaching angel and says "don't touch me - I'm on disability"

A woman dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. He ticks her name off on the register and introduces her to an angel.

"She'll give you a tour", he says.

And the angel does this, and shows the newly-deceased woman around heaven with a detailed tour, beginning with the Pearly Gates.

Later in the tour, it seems as though the angel has shown the woman everything there is to see in heaven, when the woman notices a tall wall around a sort of enclosure.

And so, she asks her guide:

"What's that huge walled bit for?"

And the angel replies:

"Oh, that's just for the Catholics. They like to think they're the only ones in here."

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"

"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.



The Angel then goes to the Germans:

"I have new Commandments from God."

"Ja? Vat do they say?"

"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"

The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"


The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:

"I have new Commandments from God..."

"How much?"

"Well...they're free"

"We'll take ten."

An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.

The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.

Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"

Women clock

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our men?

The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'

She then asked, what of the women?

The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)

What kind of cigarettes does he have?

[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

My wife is an angel.

All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

Little Johnny goes to his mother...

"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"

"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.

"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all naked in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...

Ducks

Me and my three friends all died and went to heaven(luckily)when we all arrived at the gate to heaven an angel told us that we could do whatever we wanted except no stepping on ducks. We all replied with That's easy thanks and walked away. After a little bit one of the friends walked away. When he came back he was with a super ugly girl. We all asked what happened, I stepped on a duck . Next friend goes comes back with an ugly girl stepped on a duck. Third friend comes back with a super hot girl. We all asked what happened? The girl said I stepped on a duck.

A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:

1: He was very poor

2: He had no children with his wife

3: His mother was blind

An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...

Ah, what embarrassment!

After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:

"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven.

Upon entering the gate, they were halted
by St. Peter and his obedient angel.


St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you
must answer this simple question.". "Which is ...?",
they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",
he asked the first girl.


"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
the golden key."


"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.


"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I
got married but was not after I got married." "Very good",
said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."


"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with
every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,
anytime."


"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
my room key."

Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

Mathematician and engineer in the desert..

An airplane crashed in the middle of the Sahara, and an engineer and mathematician are the only survivors. They start walking and after a couple of days they are near death. An angel comes down and says "I am your guardian angel, and I am going to give you a chance to live. I am going to put cases of water a mile away. But here's the catch...you have to go half way to the water and stop, half way and stop all the way to the water." The two say "Oh thank you, thank you angel!" and walk a half mile and stop, then a quarter mile and stop. Finally, they are 20 steps away, then 10, until they are taking baby steps. The mathematician suddenly shouts in frustration "this is all a cruel joke! We will never actually reach the water! We are going to die!!" The engineer says "Relax dummy, we're close enough already..", and he reaches down and grabs a bottle.

Heaven

Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the damage, and I saw someone outside the balcony hanging for their life. Thinking they were the thief, I smashed their fingers with a hammer and they fell. Miraculously, they survived. So I pushed my refrigerator off the balcony and it fell on top of them and killed them. Realizing what I had done, I had a heart attack and died. Gabriel says "Well, you obviously were in shock, and you clearly were remorseful, so I'll let you in." The second guy says "I was doing pull-ups on my 5th floor balcony railing when I slipped underneath the rail and fell. Luckily I managed to grab onto the 4th floor railing and was hanging on for dear life when this crazy guy ran up and started pounding at my fingers with a hammer. I fell to the street below, but miraculously I survived. The last thing I saw was him pushing his fridge off the balcony, and it fell on me and killed me." Gabriel says "Although you were reckless, it wasn't your intent, so go on in." The third guy says "I was robbing this guys apartment, and heard him unlocking the door, so I jumped into the fridge."

Two guys are talking in a bar...

About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

An elderly woman was stopped by the bouncer at this biker bar...

He said, "Before I let you in, I need to ask you some questions. Firstly, since this is a biker bar, do you even have a bike?"
The old lady replied, "Son, did you not see me ride up on my '65 panhead? That's it in the spot up front right there."
"Ok, This is a neutral bar, you're not representing some hardcore gang are you? We try to avoid gang politics here."
She replied, "Well, I was a Hell's Angel, but I'm retired...so what else?"
He asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
She thought about it for a moment and said, "Not that I can recall, But I have been swung 'round by my nipples, is that good enough?"

Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

What do you call a fountain whose angel statue has been stolen?

A sans seraph font.

Ten Commandments

God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: "God has sent me to deliver his commandments", says the angel. "Give us an example", say the Germans "Thou shall not covet your neighbours land" "Begone!!!", say the Germans
Next the angel goes the France. They too want an example. "Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife" "Begone!!!!", say the French.
Next the angel goes to the Jews. "God has sent me to deliver his commandments" "Well how much are they", ask the Jews "Well, actually they're free..." "WE'LL TAKE TEN!!!!!!!"

3 men in heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. After a while there, they meet an angel.

"There's a new policy!" he says. "Everyone gets a free vehicle! The type of vehicle depends on how good you were on Earth."

So they go to God to get there vehicle.

"Okay" God says, "John, how good were you?"

"Well, I was always good to my wife, and I went to church often." he says.

"That means you get Lamborghini!" God says, "Okay Bob, how good were you?"

"Well, I was good to my wife most of the time, and I went to church every so often" he says.

"That means you get an F-150!" God says, "Okay Jim, how good were you?"

"Well, I cheated on my wife often, and I rarely went to church." he says.

"That not even worthy of a vehicle!" God says, "Here, take this bicycle!"

So later Jim is riding his bicycle around, and he sees John crying.

"John, why are you crying?" he asks, "You got the Lambo!"

He says, "Because I saw my wife ride by on roller skates!"

Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"

Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."

Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."

Detective "How's that?"

Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.

It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

Angel

Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so?
Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..

Houdini and Criss Angel

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"

Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"

Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!"

Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

Two men are in a pub

One says to his mate, My mother-in law is an angel. His friend replies, You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Two men are talking and one says to the other

"Man, my wife is an angel."

The other one answered: "Lucky you, mine is still alive."

If the angel Gabriel came from heaven

how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

Have you been a good girl?

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven.

Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.

"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.

The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"

"...Could you repeat that?"

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle"

They're just trying to be edgy.

How to make Angel jokes?

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