The Best 85 Angel Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Angel jokes. There are some angel lucifer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these angel commandments puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Angel Jokes and Puns

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel.

It was much easier than telling her that she's dead.

Angel joke, Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"


classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

Angel joke, Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

On the back of u/baldillin

A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.

In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?

Of course, God says, who can he tell?

So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."

The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.

She then went to the second and again did not laugh.

This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.

When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.

The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"

The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

You can explore angel archangel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean angel heaven dad jokes. There are also angel puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat...

He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"

Two guys are talking in a bar...

About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Santa was having a really bad day....

Everything was going wrong. The elves were looking for a raise, Rudolph was sick, Mrs Clause was in a foul mood. So the Angel arrived at the door dragging a Christmas tree he asked Santa, what will I do with the tree ?

And that is why you will always find an Angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

My wife is an angel.

All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

Angel joke, Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

God making Adam

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A human.

Angel: What does it do?

God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.

An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world...

and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says "Hi God, what are you doing?"
"I'm working on the human being," says God,
"But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"
"I know, I'm just planning a head!"


My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....

Bob.... "How's your wife been?"

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"

Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'

'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'

An Angel came to Mary

"She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. "

To which Mary replied, "Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus"

I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle"

They're just trying to be edgy.

Two men are talking and one says to the other

"Man, my wife is an angel."

The other one answered: "Lucky you, mine is still alive."

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :

β€’ My wife is an angel.

Ben tells him :

β€’ Lucky you, mine is still alive...

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The man says, "I should have taken the money."

If the angel Gabriel came from heaven

how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?

Angel

Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so?
Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..

Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

A conversation between God and and Angel

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

She's an Angel...

Al: What kind of woman did you marry?

Sam: She's an angel, that's what she is.

Al: Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine's still living.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.

It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

What do you call a fountain whose angel statue has been stolen?

A sans seraph font.

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

Went out for drinks with my tinder date...

She ordered the angel shot with lime :(

Sex

A Hell's Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."

He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.

He says, "I never done it with a cop!"

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven?

He ate too much angel hair

A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:

1: He was very poor

2: He had no children with his wife

3: His mother was blind

An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...

Ah, what embarrassment!

After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:

"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?

Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?

Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"

Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."

Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."

Detective "How's that?"

Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

Cheesecake

God: (creates cheesecake)

God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!

Angel: Don't you think you should be sharing that?

β€”pauseβ€”

God:(creates lactose intolerance)

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!

The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

An angel will say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scotsman will say, "Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!"

Two men are in a pub

One says to his mate, My mother-in law is an angel. His friend replies, You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beautyβ€”or ten million dollars.

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The professor says, I should have taken the money.

Little Johnny goes to his mother...

"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"

"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.

"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all naked in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.

He replies, "I had no choice"

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.

"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.

The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"

"...Could you repeat that?"

What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)

What kind of cigarettes does he have?

[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"

Mom: Why do you say that?

Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

A friend told me that his mother-in-law is a real angel.

I told him how lucky he is, mine is still alive.

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

What do angels use to make music?

Soundclouds

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

Who was the first man?

And the nun replies, Adam

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

Who was the first woman?

The second nun answers Eve

Correct, in you go replies the angel

Then turning to the third nun the angel asks

I'm afraid this question is rather difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?

The third nun thinking says Oh, that's a hard one

Yes, you're in. Replies the angel.

Hey, Jesus!

Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!

Jesus: Tell them I'm not here

God is talking to one of his angels and says

Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn't that good?

The angel says, Yes, but what will you do now?

God says, I think I'll call it a day.

How many seconds in a year joke

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in

Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings....

Got an Organ instead of a harp😬

Why did Angela Merkel cross the road?

Because the pedestrian light indicated it was the appropriate time to do so

When Jesus was resurrected, an angel escorted him to Heaven in a flying car

As the car ascended to the skies, it suddenly stalled and fell.

One of the disciples looked up and said, "Guess he shouldn't have driven emmanuel."

An angel appears to a man in a dream...

The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.

The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he's finished, one friend says, If you're so wise now, then tell us some words of wisdom.

The man says, I should have taken the money.

What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen?

One is a cupid stunt and the others a....

Little Johnny goes to his mother and asks"mom did you say my baby brother is an angel?"

-Yes, he is

+Then why didn't he fly when I threw him out from the balcony?

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day

Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!



What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

Its cake and y'all know the rules!

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

A soul is sent to hell.

"Get me the manager! I demand to know why I am in Hell!" the soul shouted.
The fallen angel sighed. "We rebelled against God."
"That's no reason to punish me!"
"You do not understand. You were not sent here to be punished by us. You were sent here as punishment to us."

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

My girlfriend is like an angel...

...she's invisible:(

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the angel statues jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working angel ariel piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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