Angel Jokes

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel.

It was much easier than telling her that she's dead.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

On the back of u/baldillin

A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat...

He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"

Santa was having a really bad day....

Everything was going wrong. The elves were looking for a raise, Rudolph was sick, Mrs Clause was in a foul mood. So the Angel arrived at the door dragging a Christmas tree he asked Santa, what will I do with the tree ?
And that is why you will always find an Angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

Where do Angelfish swim?

The Holy See

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?

It's a match made in Heaven!

Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

My girlfriend is an angel

Because angels don't exist and neither does my girlfriend

What do Angels fans and gay men both have in common?

They both love Pujols

An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world...

and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says "Hi God, what are you doing?"
"I'm working on the human being," says God,
"But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"
"I know, I'm just planning a head!"

Most guys think i look like an angel...

because they don't see me.

An Angel came to Mary

"She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. "
To which Mary replied, "Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus"

Why did Angela Merkel ban use of crabgrass lawn treatments?

She was told they would stop the "German nation"

Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :
• My wife is an angel.
Ben tells him :
• Lucky you, mine is still alive...

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

She's an Angel...

Al: What kind of woman did you marry?
Sam: She's an angel, that's what she is.
Al: Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine's still living.

The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.
It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

Went out for drinks with my tinder date...

She ordered the angel shot with lime :(

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer
'Nationality?' He asks
'German' she replies
'Occupation?'
'No, just visiting'

I've been having some kooky luck recently. You see, all of my recent dates have had the same taste in beverage

Whatever these "Angel Shots" are, they're really catching on

Where do Angels go for Shopping?

Saintsburys

What do you call it when an angel cuts itself?

A slice of heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A baseball pitcher is walking home...

after a long and exhausting game. Suddenly, bright lights appear in the sky directly above him, and a beautiful angel descends from above, wearing an umpire's mask and a catcher's mitt.
The pitcher looks up, gapes and thinks, "Heavens! She's so pretty."
Without skipping a beat, his shoulders slump back, his grin shines out of his mouth, he winks and says, "Hey baby. Wanna play some catch? Looking up at you makes me want to throw up."

Why couldn't David Boreanaz buy anything at the patisserie?

They don't sell Angel cakes.

They play this drinking game in heaven

Every time a bell rings, an angel takes a shot of Redbull

Did you hear about the angel with a crack in his chassis?

He fell in love with a mechanic.

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?

Did you hear that the Angel of Death went on a diet?

The call him the Slim Reaper now.

Cheesecake

God: (creates cheesecake)
God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!
Angel: Don't you think you should be sharing that?
—pause—
God:(creates lactose intolerance)

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

I met this girl the other night and my god could she sing! It was like she was an angel, going from low to high effortlessly!

There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....

I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

An angel will say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scotsman will say, "Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!"

Two men are in a pub

One says to his mate, My mother-in law is an angel. His friend replies, You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Mom told me I am her little angel...

...that's why she killed me.

You may have known about Raphael, the Angel of Healing

But did you know of his brother, Graphael, the Angle of Graphing?

What do you call a group of Angel Fish?

A Catholic School!

How is your wife?

Guy 1: "How is your wife?"
John: "She is like heaven, like an angel to me"
John: "What about your wife?"
Guy 1: "She is still alive"

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.
"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.
The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"
"...Could you repeat that?"

Darling, be an angel and let me drive.

He did and he is.

There's an angel stuck in my T.V. antenna...

At least I have immaculate reception.