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Angel Jokes

163 angel jokes and hilarious angel puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about angel that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Check out these hilarious angel jokes! From guardian angels to fallen angels, this collection of angel jokes will leave you laughing through Halloween, Christmas and beyond. Try out snow angels and archangels and even some devil and Satan jokes, too! Have a laugh with these angel jokes!

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Funniest Angel Short Jokes

Short angel jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The angel humour may include short devil jokes also.

  1. After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
    "I think I'm going to call it a day."
  2. I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
  3. When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A.
    I am not at all sorry for this joke.
  4. Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
    2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
  5. God making Adam Angel: What do you call it?
    God: A human.
    Angel: What does it do?
    God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.
  6. The longest drum solo. Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.
  7. Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel - You're lucky, mine's still alive.
  8. Two men were talking about their wives The first guy says My wife is an angel!
    The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.
  9. In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation. Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.
  10. My wife is an angel. Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
    Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
    Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
    Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

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Angel One Liners

Which angel one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with angel? I can suggest the ones about anger and avatar.

  1. What happens when the smog lifts from Los Angeles? UCLA
  2. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? U.C.L.A
  3. How do angels light a candle? With a match made in heaven.
  4. Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven? He ate too much angel hair
  5. Hey girl, are you an angel? Cause so was satan.
  6. What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts? Ethereal killer
  7. What happens when the fog clears from Los Angeles? UCLA
  8. My wife is an angel. All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.
  9. What do you call a fountain whose angel statue has been stolen? A sans seraph font.
  10. I went to the fountain and removed all of its angel statues. It's now a sans seraph font.
  11. What do angels use to make music? Soundclouds
  12. If the angel Gabriel came from heaven how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?
  13. Hey babe are you an angel? Because I'm allergic to feathers.
  14. My girlfriend is like an angel... ...she's invisible:(
  15. Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent? The Dim Reaper?

Snow Angel Jokes

Here is a list of funny snow angel jokes and even better snow angel puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.
  • I made three snow angels the other day. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.
  • I made snow angels this Christmas... My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.
  • If god is bowling when its thundering... If God is bowling when it's thundering and the angels are crying when it's raining, then what's going on up there when it's snowing...
  • Last winter, I made snow angels I lost control and took out three pedestrians
  • Last Christmas, I made some snow angels. I hit some ice and took out three pedestrians.
    [JC]

Angel Wings Jokes

Here is a list of funny angel wings jokes and even better angel wings puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call angels without wings? Friends.
  • Why do angels have wings? So they don't trip over all the fetuses.
  • Women are Angels.
    And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...
    On a broomstick.
    We're flexible like that.
  • My baby's like an angel It's beautiful, heavenly, has wings and oh yeah, IT DOESN'T EXIST.
  • Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings.... Got an o**... instead of a harp😬
  • What do you call angels without wings? Friends.
    How about a friend that **has** wings?
    An employee at KFC.
Angel joke, What do you call angels without wings?

Guardian Angel Jokes

Here is a list of funny guardian angel jokes and even better guardian angel puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.
  • We are not grammar n**..., We are grammar guardian angels.
  • I figured out why there are so many m**...-related injuries that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes

Angel Halo Jokes

Here is a list of funny angel halo jokes and even better angel halo puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • what is an angel's favorite video game? halo
  • What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
    Answer: "Halo there!"

Mark Angel Jokes

Here is a list of funny mark angel jokes and even better mark angel puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In the book of Mark, Chapter 12, Verse 25 the jesus says, "In heaven there is no marriage." No men, no women, only angels... Sooooooo, it's like Berkley?
  • Mark 12:25 And Jesus said; In heaven there is no marriage. No men, no women, only angels. So it's Social Justice Warrior paradise? Like Berkeley?
Angel joke, Mark 12:25 And Jesus said; In heaven there is no marriage. No men, no women, only angels.

Heartwarming Angel Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about angel you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alien jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make angel pranks.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel.

It was much easier than telling her that she's dead.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

o**...-B, Angel Soft, Saab

Busta Rhymes not only owns all these products, he uses them as s**... commands.

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

l**..., chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

What did the boy pee say to the girl pee?

u**... angel.

On the back of u/baldillin

A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?

So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."
The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.
She then went to the second and again did not laugh.
This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.
When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.
The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"
The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat...

He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"

What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?

Look mom, an angel!

Two guys are talking in a bar...

About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Santa was having a really bad day....

Everything was going wrong. The elves were looking for a raise, Rudolph was sick, Mrs Clause was in a foul mood. So the Angel arrived at the door dragging a Christmas tree he asked Santa, what will I do with the tree ?
And that is why you will always find an Angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

I have some bad news about my uncle Ziti...

He pasta way..
...
He sure was a pizza work.
...
...
At least he's with the angel hairs right now.
...
...
...
Please say a prayer for him on parm Sunday.
...
...
...
...
...
...
..
...
... ... ... ... Spaghetti.

Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

My girlfriend is an angel

Because angels don't exist and neither does my girlfriend

Two angels run out of w**......

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world...

and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says "Hi God, what are you doing?"
"I'm working on the human being," says God,
"But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"
"I know, I'm just planning a head!"

An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'

'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack p**... Whacked.'

Most guys think i look like an angel...

because they don't see me.

An Angel came to Mary

"She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. "
To which Mary replied, "Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus"

I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle"

They're just trying to be edgy.

Two men are talking and one says to the other

"Man, my wife is an angel."
The other one answered: "Lucky you, mine is still alive."

My pick-up line

"Hey girl are you a fallen angel? Because your face looks like it hit concrete."

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :
• My wife is an angel.
Ben tells him :
• Lucky you, mine is still alive...

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Angel

Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so?
Lawrence: I saw her n**... today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..

Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

A conversation between God and and Angel

GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

She's an Angel...

Al: What kind of woman did you marry?
Sam: She's an angel, that's what she is.
Al: Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine's still living.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.
She reaches customs.
Officer: Name?
Merkel: Angela Merkel
Officer: Nationality?
Merkel: Deutsche
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.
It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

Went out for drinks with my tinder date...

She ordered the angel shot with lime :(

s**...

A h**...'s Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."
He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.
He says, "I never done it with a cop!"

Someone asked me where the Angel of Death is

"Go down the hall, Third door on your r**..."

What do you call it when an angel cuts itself?

A slice of heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:
1: He was very poor
2: He had no children with his wife
3: His mother was blind
An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...
Ah, what embarrassment!
After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:
"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."

A baseball pitcher is walking home...

after a long and exhausting game. Suddenly, bright lights appear in the sky directly above him, and a beautiful angel descends from above, wearing an umpire's mask and a catcher's mitt.
The pitcher looks up, gapes and thinks, "Heavens! She's so pretty."
Without skipping a beat, his shoulders slump back, his grin shines out of his mouth, he winks and says, "Hey baby. Wanna play some catch? Looking up at you makes me want to throw up."

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?
God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."
Assistant: "Why?"
God: "For home furniture."
Assistant: "Furniture?"
God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?

Criss Angel arrested for m**......

His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

Cheesecake

God: (creates cheesecake)
God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!
Angel: Don't you think you should be sharing that?
—pause—
God:(creates lactose intolerance)

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

An angel will say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scotsman will say, "Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!"

Two men are in a pub

One says to his mate, My mother-in law is an angel. His friend replies, You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.
The professor says, I should have taken the money.

Little Johnny goes to his mother...

"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"
"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.
"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all n**... in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.
"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.
The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"
"...Could you repeat that?"

There's an angel stuck in my T.V. antenna...

At least I have immaculate reception.

What's a medical doctor called, who is also part of a motorcycle club?

Health Angel

God sends his angel to find out what students do.

Angel returns: "Three months before exams. British students study, American students have parties, Russian students also have parties".
Next time angel reports: "One month before exams. British and American students study, Russian students have parties".
Next report: "One night before exams. British and American students learn their subjects, Russian students praying". God: "Well, if they pray, we'll help them!"

What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"

Mom: Why do you say that?
Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

A friend told me that his mother-in-law is a real angel.

I told him how lucky he is, mine is still alive.

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.
Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"
God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

Angela Rose

Angela Rose sat on a pin. Angela rose.

Satan and the angel Gabriel were arguing.

Satan and the angel Gabriel were going back and forth about who's more superlative at this or that and eventually Gabriel blurred out well I'm lucif! To which Satan replies oh yeah?!? Well then I'm lucif-ER!

Angel Gabriel approached God

What are you doing there? he asked.
Well said God, You know this planet I've been creating?
Yeah, what of it?
I've discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period of alternating light and dark.
Oh, that's pretty cool. So what now then?
To be honest, I think I'm gonna call it a day.

Angel joke, Angel Gabriel approached God

jokes about angel