Andy Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Andy puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Andy

Two men are hunting in the woods...

Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.

"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one step at a time. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."

There's a silence, then two shots are heard. Back on the phone, Andy says, "Ok, now what?"

Carpet matches the curtains

10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, "My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"

Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head.

Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains.

The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They meet up at lunch on Friday to discuss their discoveries.

Andy says, "It's a scandal: Mrs Adams bleaches her hair blonde, she's actually a brunette."

Ben says, "It's so crazy: Ms Brown dyes her hair red, she's actually a blonde."

Chuck says, "That's nothing: Mrs Carter wears a wig!"

This joke is translated from georgian.

A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.

The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:

Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.

The teacher asked:

Why so many of you?

The kids answer:

She wasnt crossing.

"My wife is such a racist...

she won't let me date black girls."

-Andy Breckman

Carl drives a stick

**Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?

**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!


Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes

Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements.

They may cremate, they Mayberry

Why Mayberry RFD was such a pleasant place

Just think of how idyllic and peaceful the whole community was.

What did the main characters all have in common? Sheriff Andy, Barney, Opie, Gomer, Floyd the barber, Helen, Clara Jean, Aunt Bea, Goober, Harold......they were all SINGLE.

The only married character was Otis, and he was drunk all the time!

Besides OP's mom,

Which character would you like to have seen more of on the Andy Griffith show?

Why did Andy Griffith retire to a farm?

So he could see barn every day.

My girlfriend asked "Have you seen an Andy Serkis performance?"

I said "Yes - but the clowns sort of scare me."


Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor

What country does every one called Andy come from?

Peru, because it's the home of the Andes!

Which professional tennis player masturbates the most?

Andy Rawdick

Why was Andy from Toy Story's girlfriend disappointed?

Andy's "Woody" wasn't quite what she was expecting.

Who did Andy Griffith bang?

OP's mom.

What roles do Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman play in the new Black Panther movie?

They're the tolkien white guys of the film.

Do you know Andy Griffith's wife?

OP's mom

Andy Cornell called, they said you suck!

And you're gayer than Oscar.

Boom, Roasted.


So you need Andy Reid to take you to the airport for an international flight...

lol you didn't learn anything from 2004?

First Date

Years back, before electronic car door locks, there were two brothers, Andy and Oby. Andy was 4 years older than 16 year old Oby. Oby had never been on a date and wanted to take out a girl he had met. So...he asked Andy for advice. "I want to take this girl out for a walk and I just don't know what to do or say" Andy told him "It's easy. Just compliment her and everything will fall into place". "What do you mean" asked Oby. Andy told him to compliment her on her hair "your hair is like silk", her teeth "your teeth are like pearls", her eyes "your eyes are like sapphires", etc.
So Oby take her for a walk, and comes home with a black eye. Andy asked him what happened. Oby says: "Well, I tried to compliment her on her hair, but she didn't have much, and not many teeth either. Her eyes were one blue and one brown like some dogs, and I didn't know what to say about that, so...I said for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much!"

Who was the first person ever to have sex with OPs mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

About ten-ish.

Who is the main character of Shawshank Redemption?

Andy Duframed

How did Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy spice up their sex life?

By trying button stuff.

A Conversation Between My Sister and I.

Sister: "Andy, would you still talk to me if I lost both my front teeth?"

Me: "I would talk to you about getting fake teeth."

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tennish! 🎾

Catholic priests are like Intel CPUs.

They have little Andy in.

Why is a gay guy dating someone named Andy particularly useful?

Because he might come in Andy

[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

Why was Andy Warhol always so curt in interviews?

He did not want to have to repeat himself.

"Hey, why'd Andy put me in this jar?"

said Jessie, unaware of the horror that would ensue.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes