andy Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious andy puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the barkeeper: 'Are there any brothels around? I am so fucking horny right now.'

The barkeeper says: 'Well, there are no brothels here, but we have Steve.'

The man says: 'Doesn't matter. How much?'

'80 bucks', says the barkeeper.

'So, how does it work? Do I give Steve the 80 bucks directly?'

'No', says the barkeeper, '40 bucks go to the mayor, because he doesn't like that.'

'So, I give Steve only $40.'

'No', says the barkeeper, 'you give 20 bucks to me, because I don't like that in here.'

'Then I'll give Steve the remaining 20 bucks?'

'No, you give Trevor and Andy 10 bucks each. They have to hold Steve, because he doesn't like that either.'

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I told my buddy

That I had sex with my girlfriend and her twin last night.

He asked how I could tell them apart.

Easy, I said: Amy has huge tits. Andy has a cock.

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Carpet matches the curtains

10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, "My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"

Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head.

Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains.

The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They meet up at lunch on Friday to discuss their discoveries.

Andy says, "It's a scandal: Mrs Adams bleaches her hair blonde, she's actually a brunette."

Ben says, "It's so crazy: Ms Brown dyes her hair red, she's actually a blonde."

Chuck says, "That's nothing: Mrs Carter wears a wig!"

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"My wife is such a racist...

she won't let me date black girls."

-Andy Breckman

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Carl drives a stick

**Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?

**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!

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Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes

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Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements.

They may cremate, they Mayberry

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Why Mayberry RFD was such a pleasant place

Just think of how idyllic and peaceful the whole community was.

What did the main characters all have in common? Sheriff Andy, Barney, Opie, Gomer, Floyd the barber, Helen, Clara Jean, Aunt Bea, Goober, Harold......they were all SINGLE.

The only married character was Otis, and he was drunk all the time!

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Besides OP's mom,

Which character would you like to have seen more of on the Andy Griffith show?

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Why did Andy Griffith retire to a farm?

So he could see barn every day.

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My girlfriend asked "Have you seen an Andy Serkis performance?"

I said "Yes - but the clowns sort of scare me."

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Which professional tennis player masturbates the most?

Andy Rawdick

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Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor

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What country does every one called Andy come from?

Peru, because it's the home of the Andes!

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What roles do Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman play in the new Black Panther movie?

They're the tolkien white guys of the film.

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Who did Andy Griffith bang?

OP's mom.

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Who is the main character of Shawshank Redemption?

Andy Duframed

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Why don't Raggedy Ann & Andy have any children?

Cotton balls

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What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tennish! 🎾

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A Conversation Between My Sister and I.

Sister: "Andy, would you still talk to me if I lost both my front teeth?"

Me: "I would talk to you about getting fake teeth."

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Do you know Andy Griffith's wife?

OP's mom

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First Date

Years back, before electronic car door locks, there were two brothers, Andy and Oby. Andy was 4 years older than 16 year old Oby. Oby had never been on a date and wanted to take out a girl he had met. So...he asked Andy for advice. "I want to take this girl out for a walk and I just don't know what to do or say" Andy told him "It's easy. Just compliment her and everything will fall into place". "What do you mean" asked Oby. Andy told him to compliment her on her hair "your hair is like silk", her teeth "your teeth are like pearls", her eyes "your eyes are like sapphires", etc.
So Oby take her for a walk, and comes home with a black eye. Andy asked him what happened. Oby says: "Well, I tried to compliment her on her hair, but she didn't have much, and not many teeth either. Her eyes were one blue and one brown like some dogs, and I didn't know what to say about that, so...I said for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much!"

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So you need Andy Reid to take you to the airport for an international flight...

lol you didn't learn anything from 2004?

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Andy Cornell called, they said you suck!

And you're gayer than Oscar.

Boom, Roasted.

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What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

About ten-ish.

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Who was the first person ever to have sex with OPs mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry

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How did Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy spice up their sex life?

By trying button stuff.

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Why is a gay guy dating someone named Andy particularly useful?

Because he might come in Andy

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Why was Andy Warhol always so curt in interviews?

He did not want to have to repeat himself.

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"Hey, why'd Andy put me in this jar?"

said Jessie, unaware of the horror that would ensue.

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Catholic priests are like Intel CPUs.

They have little Andy in.

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[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They are the Token white guys.

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Andy was frightened by the feral cat in the midnight. What did his friend say to him?

It's meerkat.

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Hey Andy, Cornell called they said you suck!

And you're gayer than oscar.

Boom roasted.

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Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.

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What do you call Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman in Black Panther?

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So I saw Andy Serkis in the new Black Panther trailer

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If toy story was made in 2017

Instead of buzz lightyear Andy would have just gotten fidget spinners

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Have you folks read the book, Twenty Yards to the Outhouse?

by Willie Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont and published by Andy Dint

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People say Andy Dick is an Asshole...

Hes a Dick get it straight.

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What do you call a man with a penis and a vagina?

Andy Tohaveapenisandavagina

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John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

i think you are pretty ugly

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How do we know Andy Taylor never had grandchildren?

Because Opie is faggot

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DAE ever wonder if Andy would be disappointed in OP for not delivering?

I went for corny.

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Toys these days

That awkward moment when your toys make three movies behind your back.
-Andy

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What are the best Andy puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Andy? Well, here are the best jokes about Andy to have fun with.

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