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Ancient Jokes

190 ancient jokes and hilarious ancient puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ancient that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the myths and legends of ancient civilizations in this collection of hilarious jokes from the past. Read about Ancient Egyptian, Greek, Roman, Chinese, and Sumerian fart jokes and other comedic one-liners from the mystical and mysterious days of prehistory. Laugh away at these outdated jokes from an era long ago.

Funniest Ancient Short Jokes

Short ancient jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ancient humour may include short antique jokes also.

  1. How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two: Prophet.
  2. America sure is having some bad luck It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
  3. The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.
  4. how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb? Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.
  5. According to ancient japanese lore, a person's aura takes a particular colour right before they die. Cyan Aura.
  6. In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
    However poison IV would make you really itchy.
  7. The elites and nobles of Ancient Greece would often pay Diogenes with grape or bread in exchange for his wisdom. It's food for thought.
  8. Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nut and wrapped in gold foil. They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
  9. If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home... ...did that make it a VI P room?
  10. What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

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Ancient One Liners

Which ancient one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ancient? I can suggest the ones about old wise and prehistoric.

  1. Why was math so easy in ancient Rome? x always equals 10
  2. What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease
  3. Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads? To be more pharaohdynamic.
  4. I saw a 2000 year old oil stain. It was from ancient Greece.
  5. Ancient Chinese proverb: Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.
  6. I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine A Cairo-practor
  7. What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair? Caesars.
  8. How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut? With little Caesar's.
  9. What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt? A Pyramid Scheme.
  10. What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome? A Plebeian J
  11. I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old It was ancient grease.
  12. Why is America cursed It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
  13. Archaeologists just excavated an ancient bank It put them in financial ruin
  14. Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle? Because he was... Aquila.
  15. What do you call a connoisseur of ancient humor? Antique-witty

Ancient Egyptian Jokes

Here is a list of funny ancient egyptian jokes and even better ancient egyptian puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.
  • Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business? Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
  • Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."
  • I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture I didn't reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme
  • I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security. Everybody who was important got encrypted.
  • Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently? The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.
    Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!
  • What was the most common reason ancient Egyptians would cry? They missed their mummies.
  • Why did the ancient egyptians all love Nissan? Because Nissan Sentra.
    My wife says I'm going to Duat for this one....
  • What did the ancient egyptians call their milfs? Mummies
  • What did the ancient Egyptians wipe their butts with? Poopyrus.

Ancient Greek Jokes

Here is a list of funny ancient greek jokes and even better ancient greek puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor. He was the Centaur for Disease Control.
  • Made this one up at work today. There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.
    His name was Popsicles.
  • I got caught faking my way through an ancient history course I failed because Greek mythology is my Achilles horse
  • Christians say "Jesus" Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"
  • How did the Ancient Greeks pay for parking? They put money in Demeter.
  • I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides. Euclipides nuts.
  • How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night? They used a baby minotaur.
  • [Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common? Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks
  • Just got kicked out of a Greek themed costume party apparently coming dressed as an ancient Greek olympian 'wasn't appropriate'
  • How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night? He had a Hoplite.
Ancient joke, How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

Ancient Roman Jokes

Here is a list of funny ancient roman jokes and even better ancient roman puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Ancient Roman walks into a bar… Says to the bartender i will have a martinus
    Bartender says you mean martini
    The roman says no, just one
  • Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses. You only LIV once.
  • Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline That was ancient grease
  • A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times, New Roman.
  • What language did ancient Roman police speak? Pig Latin
  • What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast? "Hail, Caesar"
  • What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do? Pontius Pilates
  • The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating... But hey, it's all water over the bridge.
  • What is the favourite game of ancient roman people? Rock Papers CAAAEEEESSSSAAAAAARRRS.
  • What did the ancient Romans say when they got laid? *Veni*

Ancient Rome Jokes

Here is a list of funny ancient rome jokes and even better ancient rome puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
  • I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat. I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.
  • The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome. Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.
  • Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
  • Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome? They had tablets.
  • Me: Can I get XL shirts here? Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
  • The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is A pair of Caesars
  • People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome. Personally, I'm gladiator.
  • A man walks into a bar in Ancient Rome The bartender asks him how many bottles of wine he wants and he holds up a peace sign. The bartender brings him five bottles.
  • Ancient Rome Two friends are talking:
    - you know how many girls i had?
    - mmm?
    - no, not that many...

Ancient Egypt Jokes

Here is a list of funny ancient egypt jokes and even better ancient egypt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I recently learned that humans farts have sounded the same since ancient Egypt. We share a toot in common.
  • Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.
  • Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.
  • A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?" "Death by old age"
  • Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.
  • Why was kid afraid of his mother in ancient Egypt? Because she's mummy
  • Why did the ancient Mesopotamian woman have a lot of kids? Every man in Egypt had seen her Fertile Crescent.
  • What famous model controlled water in ancient Egypt palaces? Pharaoh Faucet
  • In ancient Egypt when Men decided to abandon their families... They would say they were going out for ziggurats and never return.
  • Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt? Pyramid schemes.
Ancient joke, Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Hilarious Ancient Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about ancient you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean older than jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ancient pranks.

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.
The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"
The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

can someone explain this ancient Roman joke

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'

Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid...

but it was just a fossil arm.

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?

A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon...
(I'm not sorry...)

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

How are two gay guys who are perfect for each other similar to an Ancient Chinese Emperor?

They both had a mandate from heaven.

What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?

Hyruleglyphics.

What's an Ancient Roman's favorite s**... position?

LXIX.

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

So much has been going wrong in the USA

You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a t**... attack which kills 300'000 people.

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of w**...?

You would be s**... to death.

How do you say m**...' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "n**... exercise"…

…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The h**... worked a treat for me.

With all these natural disasters happening,

Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Did you know that in ancient Greece, Hippasus was exiled for discovering that some numbers could not be described with simple whole numbers or fractions?

How irrational.

Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often.

They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE .
When we opened it, all it contained was gran's phone number.

A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"

Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"
The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They're in God's hands now."

Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread h**....

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn't want him to Babylon

What do you call an ancient Korean man?

Jurassic Park

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles' heel but have you heard of Bophades' nuts?

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.
The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"
\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person's aura changes changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):
Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?
A: A woman not f**... in her husband's lap.

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person's aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

Once in ancient Athens a man walked into a tailor's shop

Eumenides? The man asked the tailor
Euripides? The tailor asked the man

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.
when his friend sent it back, he had written one word in the corner of the scroll "f**..." fuming, the monk stomped over to his friend's dwelling and demanded an explanation. to this his friend simply said "the seven winds could not move you, and yet a single f**... sends you all the way across the river"

Ancient joke, and oldie but a goodie

jokes about ancient