The Best 76 Ancient Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ancient jokes. There are some ancient archeologists jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ancient babble puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ancient Jokes and Puns

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently?

The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!

can someone explain this ancient Roman joke

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'

Ancient joke, can someone explain this ancient Roman joke

Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid...

but it was just a fossil arm.

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.


The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline

That was ancient grease

Ancient joke, Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair?

Caesars.

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?

To be more pharaohdynamic.

You can explore ancient mystical reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ancient medieval dad jokes. There are also ancient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

How are two gay guys who are perfect for each other similar to an Ancient Chinese Emperor?

They both had a mandate from heaven.

What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?

Hyruleglyphics.

What's an Ancient Roman's favorite sex position?

LXIX.

Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.

Ancient joke, Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

Why was math so easy in ancient Rome?

x always equals 10

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"


So much has been going wrong in the USA

You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs?

The bikings.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"…

…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?

With little Caesar's.

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome.

Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

With all these natural disasters happening,

Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Did you know that in ancient Greece, Hippasus was exiled for discovering that some numbers could not be described with simple whole numbers or fractions?

How irrational.

Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often.

They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE .
When we opened it, all it contained was gran's phone number.

A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"

Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"

The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They're in God's hands now."

Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread HIV.

Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses.

You only LIV once.

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn't want him to Babylon

What do you call an ancient Korean man?

Jurassic Park

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

What do you call a connoisseur of ancient humor?

Antique-witty

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:

\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles' heel but have you heard of Bophades' nuts?

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

What did the ancient egyptians call their milfs?

Mummies

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person's aura changes changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?

A: A woman not farting in her husband's lap.

Why is America cursed

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person's aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

[Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common?

Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old

It was ancient grease.

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

Why did the ancient egyptians all love Nissan?

Because Nissan Sentra.


My wife says I'm going to Duat for this one....

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

Ancient Greek name translation

I have been doing some research into the meaning of my name.

I was delighted to find that in Ancient Greek my second name translates to 'Attractive to women'.

Unfortunately my first name translates to 'Not very'.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ancient babylon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ancient artifacts piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes