Anchor Jokes

Following is our collection of boat humor and anchorage one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anchor puns for adults, dirty starboard jokes or clean sunk gags for kids.

There is an abundance of shoreline jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 30 funniest jokes on anchor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ship witze you can hear about anchor.

The Best jokes about Anchor

My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.

More on this story later...

What happened when the reporter fell into the water?

She became an anchor...

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."

He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.

He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.

The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"

The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

A Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.


What does a news anchor say during sex?

this just in

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news, the anchor is showing a video of a girl threatening to jump off a cliff. The guy turns to the Blonde and says "I bet you $500 she jumps" "you're on" the Blonde replies.

2 minutes later the girl jumps and dies.

As she is pulling money out her purse, the boyfriend says "I feel bad taking your money, but I watched the 6pm news and I saw this story" "me too" the Blonde answered, "but I didn't think she would be stupid enough to jump off again"

TV Anchor and A Shapherd

TV Anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "hmm! The black one"

Shepherd: "Grass"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also Grass"

Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "The black one"

Shepherd: "With water"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also with water"

Anchor: "Where do you house them?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "The black one"

Shepherd: "In the large barn"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also in the large barn"

Anchor: "Moron, If you treat them both the same way, why do you keep asking me which one, the black or white?"

Shepherd: "Because the white goat is mine."

Anchor: "And the black one?

Shepherd: "That is also mine"

First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

I'm about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'


I'm not fishing

A woman had become tired of the family stressing around her, so she went to the nearest lake and borrowed a boat, sailed out to the middle of the lake, throws in the anchor and sits down and starts reading the book she brought with her.

Ten minutes later a boat aproaches and she notices it is the sheriff.

"Do you have a fishing permit?" the sheriff asks

"no, I'm not fishing I'm reading my book"

"but you have the boat full of fishing equipment, there's nothing to stop you from fishing when I turn my
back on you. So I will have ask you to follow me to the shore, so I can write you a fine for illegal fishing"

"If you do that I'll yell rape"

"Rape?"

"yeah you got the equipment for it, there's nothing to stop you from using it when I turn my back on you"

the sheriff tips his hat to the lady "Enjoy the book, and have a nice day"


*edit spelling*

A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."



Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen

What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey?

Anchor.

Why did the electrician become a news anchor?

He's always had a knack for current events.

My boss said to me, "you're the anchor of this company!"

He knows I'm a dead weight at the end of my rope...

Weather Report...

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Where does an angry pirate get sent?

Anchor Management

Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

They needed better anchor management.


The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died

At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.

Russian TV

Russian TV News Anchor:

And now, our viewers favorite news segment: bad news from America ...

Why did the ship drift off.

It's anchor was aweigh

What makes the news seem slow?

The anchor.

What do you call a news anchor with diarrhea?

Anderson Pooper

What did the TV anchor say during sex?

This just in!

What job did the ex-therapist do aboard the ship?

Anchor Management.

I just put up my Republican nativity scene.

Of course I had to remove the Arabs, the Jews, the anchor baby, and the refugees, so all that's left is one jackass and a bunch of sheep.

TV Anchor and A Shepherd

TV anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"
Shapherd: "Which one, the black one or the white one?"
Anchor: "hmm! The black one"
Shapherd: "Grass"
Anchor: "And the white one?"
Shapherd: "Also Grass"
Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"
Shapherd: "Which one, the black one or the white one?"
Anchor: "The black one"
Shapherd: "With water"
Anchor: "And the white one?"
Shapherd: "Also with water"
Anchor: "Where do you house them?"
Shapherd: "Which one, the black one or the white one?"
Anchor: "The black one"
Shapherd: "In the large barn"
Anchor: "And the white one?"
Shapherd: "Also in the large barn"
Anchor: "Moron, If you treat them both the same way, why do you keep asking me which one, the black or white?"
Shapherd: "Because the white goat is mine."
Anchor: "And the black one?
Shapherd: "That is also mine"

A certain NBC Nightly News Anchor...

China just debuted it's first totally AI news anchor..

At least now Anderson Cooper isn't the only robot we have to watch.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes