amy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious amy puns

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"

The other responds, "*no.*"

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

One says, "Does this taste funny?".

The other says, "No".

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When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian

No one's laughing now.

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

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So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

Cannibal 1: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Cannibal 2: "Not at all, and there's plenty to go around!"

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Kim Kardashian, Pitbull and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

They set it lower.

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$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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Maybe the end of Amy Schumer's new show is really funny.

I guess nobody will ever know.

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What do you hear right before watching an hour-long compilation of different comedians' jokes?

Please welcome Amy Schumer.

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Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful"

I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

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A couple of friends are catching up after years apart.

"So I hear you've recently had a baby boy!" Gushes Edna.

"We did!" Responds Amy.

"Have you decided on a name yet?"

"Funny story: with our first, Denise, my husband's brother wanted to name her. The name stuck, so when he asked again, we figured he'd pick another good one."

"That's adorable! What'd he pick!"

Amy sighed. "Denephew."

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If people are going to just keep reposting jokes

The we should rename this sub Amy Schumer.

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A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

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I told my buddy

That I had sex with my girlfriend and her twin last night.

He asked how I could tell them apart.

Easy, I said: Amy has huge tits. Andy has a cock.

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Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

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When Amy Schumer was a kid, people laughed when they heard she wanted to be a comedian.

No one's laughing now.

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I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

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The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is....

Her Gravitational pull.

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Best/worst joke I've ever come up with on my own

True story: I was at a bar with a group of friends a few summers back. We were all working in research labs at the time, and 2 girls both named Amy happened to be assigned to the same project which lead to their schedules being nearly identical. You rarely saw one without the other. Someone brought this up after we'd all had a few drinks, and one of the Amy's said something along the lines of "yeah, we're always together; we're practically joined at the hip." This is turn resulted in me saying, "I guess you could say you're si-Amys." Then I went home.

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I heard this one at school today

Jack and Amy both work for the same company. Their work is going fine until the economy falls and the company starts downsizing. The boss was given the option to fire one of them. He calls Amy into his office to break her the news. He says: "I'll either have to lay you or Jack off".

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Mrs. Smith is teaching four of her kindergarten students the alphabet

"Say a word that starts with the letter I say" she instructs her students.
"Amy, give me a word that starts with A"
"Apple"
"Excellent" replies Mrs. Smith moving on to Paul, the class clown
"Give me a word that starts with B"
"Boob!"
Mrs. Smith gasps but moves on, wondering how such a young child could have been exposed to such language. Eventually she comes back to Paul.
"Give me a word that starts with F"
"Fuck!" Exclaims Paul
"No swearing allowed!" Instructs Mrs. Smith, continuing the exercise, but without fail Paul comes up with a swear for every letter he is assigned
J - "Jizz"
N - "Nigger"
R - "Retard"
V - "Vagina"
"Z" exclaims Mrs. Smith, unable to think of any swear words. Let's see this fucker come up with something for that one.

"Zebra..." Says Paul, pausing for a second

"...but one with a huge fucking cock"

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Congratulations to Amy Winehouse

For being sober one year.

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Without thinking, the other replies "not at all".

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I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

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Amy Schumer is so unpopular now

No one has even bothered to repost the two cannibals joke in months.

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Congratulations to Amy Winehouse...

...on six months of sobriety.

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World is Flat.

"World is Flat". Jhonny said.

"How can you say that without any proof, Jhonny?" Amy replied.

"You're my world, Amy", he replied.

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Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

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Two Cyclopes are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and say, 'Does this taste funny to you'

The other says, 'No'

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What's 3 inches long and hasn't been sucked in nearly 3 years?

Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.

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Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out?

Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer.

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What are the most funny Amy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Amy? Well, here are the best Amy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Amy pick up lines to share with friends.

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