Amsterdam Jokes
55 amsterdam jokes and hilarious amsterdam puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amsterdam that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Amsterdam Short Jokes
Short amsterdam jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amsterdam humour may include short tourist jokes also.
- If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
- What do you call a water barrier constructed for rodents in the capital of the Netherlands? An Amsterdam hamster Dam
- Amsterdam is like a tour de France - it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
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Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam - Amsterdam, 26 October1942, about tea time. Mr Frank - "Shhhh Quiet everybody ... the Germans are coming".
Anne Frank - "I am too" - I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.
- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam BECAUSE prostitution is legal.
- My friends and I got so high in Amsterdam that we went to a local store and stole a couple of bags of ice.... We took them down to the canal and released them back into the wild.
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Amsterdam One Liners
Which amsterdam one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amsterdam? I can suggest the ones about hamburg and town.
- I used to find window shopping depressing..... then I visited Amsterdam.
- What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel
- I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam "We're off to Nether-netherlands"
- What do you call a chevalier from Amsterdam? A knight of the highest order.
- Why did the cryptographer go to Amsterdam? Because he wanted a stronger hash
- My ex girlfriend moved to Amsterdam. Now I see her in a new light.
- Why is it so hard to find a priest in Amsterdam? They're all high priests.
- Why can't you barbecue in Amsterdam? Because the steaks are too high.
- Is it legal to get high in you? Cause amsterDAM!!!
- Wanna go to Copenhagen? Amsterdam sure
- Anne Frank may have been.... the only person to go to Amsterdam NOT to get baked.
- Amsterdam - have s**... and get s**.... Saudi Arabia - have s**... and get s**....
- Why is Amsterdam the worst place to live in? Because it's in a dam-nation.
- I got s**... in Saudi Arabia Got to say it was less enjoyable than it was in Amsterdam
- How easy is it to get s**... in Amsterdam? It's a piece of cake.
Fun-Filled Amsterdam Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about amsterdam you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean residence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amsterdam pranks.
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I've never understood how the n**... couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding
I've been to Amsterdam... There are sign pointing to her house everywhere.
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The Dutch connection
Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:
"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"
"Well, you see the problem is my husband, he's left me, he says I'm too k**... in bed."
"My god, that's incredible, my girlfriend left me, she says I'm too k**... in bed."
After a while the woman turns to the guy and says: "Hang on, I've got a fantashtic idea, let's go back to my place for some fantashtic k**... s**...."
"I like where you're coming from, let's go.
So they get back to her place and are making out in the hallway, she puts a finger to his lips and says: "Hang on, let me go and change into something a little more **uncomfortable**."
She goes to her bedroom and comes back 10 minutes later in a full on PVC gimpsuit, gimp mask and gimp ball in her mouth, 12" strap-on, whip in the right hand, tapioca pudding in the left, but he's getting his coat on ready to leave.
She takes the gimp ball out of her mouth and says in surprise: "Hang on, I thought you wanted some fantashtic k**... s**...?"
He says "Yeah, I shagged your dog and s**... in your purse, I'm done."
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Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.
It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
The Three Barbers
There are three barbershops on a small street in Amsterdam. The first barbershop has a sign saying 'best barber in the town'
The second has a sign saying 'best barber in the world'.
And the third has a sign saying 'best barber on the street'
Im on Drugs ?
Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .
He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus
*Bark Bark
Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs
Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have s**... with a p**.... It was an overall positive experience.
Sadly, it was an h**... positive experience.
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A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window
He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"
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Prostitutes in Amsterdam are very demanding...
The last one I went with made me wash my Old Man in the sink!
Can't even remember why I took Dad in the first place.
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I hate it when people say Amsterdam is only for smoking w**....
I mean c'mon, there's prostitutes too!
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Why is w**... legal in Amsterdam?
Because need to get high xD land is far down so the water almost touches them
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h**... in Amsterdam
A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she laughs at his face, so he goes on his merry way, the next day he is having breakfast with his wife at a cafe, the h**... passes him by and notices him and quietly whispers eyeing his wife, 'See this is what you get for 30$'
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What's the difference between a drug-addict in Amsterdam and a homosexual in Iran?
Only one gets s**... and lives.
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Vacations
In Amsterdam you get s**... and have s**....
In dubai you habe s**... and get s**....
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I didn't pay €50 in Amsterdam to have a lentil on my face.
I went to Amsterdam and decided to visit the red light district...
In one of the back alleys I met a man who asked "Looking for a good night"
I replied yes, so he gave me his offer
"My ordinary prostitutes all cost 1cent a go, but my finest are beyond money. They will cost you your arm and leg.
I thought about this and finally said
"If your finest women cost an arm and a leg, I'd a penny for your thots..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.
So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam
I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it's completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно
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A woman and her wealthy lover traveled across Europe
They started their tryst in Amsterdam, before traveling to Barcelona, then Cologne, and Dublin. After months of travel and s**... s**..., they ended in Zurich.
It was a sorted affair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get s**... after s**....
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
