amsterdam Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious amsterdam puns

Amsterdam - have sex and get stoned.

Saudi Arabia - have sex and get stoned.

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros."

So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world.

At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"

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A Scotsman goes into a brothel

in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't even know what 'Scottish style' was, but again says, 'No',

He then offers her $300, but she declines his offer, so finally he says, 'Last chance. I'll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi' me!'

Finally she agrees, thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could 'Scottish style; be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was really fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies, 'I'll pay ye next week'

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

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Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!

The president of Budweiser asked for The King of Beers, make it a Bud! .
Adolph Coors requested a From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind.

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
And you sir? he queried.
I'll have a Coke! was Guinness's reply.
A Coke??!? The waiter was shocked.
Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. Well, he said, If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!

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If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

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A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

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WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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Two dudes are walking down a street ...

... in the red-light district of amsterdam. They reach a show window with two women on a bed, a gorgeous brunette is pleasing a blonde with huge tits. When the brunette throws a lusting look at the guys, one of them bursts into laughter.
The other, extremely puzzled asks the first one: "Dude, what the fuck?"
and the other one replies: "Don't you get it?! Its literally pretty fucking stupid..."

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What do you call a water barrier constructed for rodents in the capital of the Netherlands?

An Amsterdam Hamster Dam

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, you see the problem is my husband, he's left me, he says I'm too kinky in bed."

"My god, that's incredible, my girlfriend left me, she says I'm too kinky in bed."

After a while the woman turns to the guy and says: "Hang on, I've got a fantashtic idea, let's go back to my place for some fantashtic kinky sex."

"I like where you're coming from, let's go.

So they get back to her place and are making out in the hallway, she puts a finger to his lips and says: "Hang on, let me go and change into something a little more **uncomfortable**."

She goes to her bedroom and comes back 10 minutes later in a full on PVC gimpsuit, gimp mask and gimp ball in her mouth, 12" strap-on, whip in the right hand, tapioca pudding in the left, but he's getting his coat on ready to leave.

She takes the gimp ball out of her mouth and says in surprise: "Hang on, I thought you wanted some fantashtic kinky sex?"

He says "Yeah, I shagged your dog and shat in your purse, I'm done."

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Hamster PickUp Line?

If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"

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The Three Barbers

There are three barbershops on a small street in Amsterdam. The first barbershop has a sign saying 'best barber in the town'

The second has a sign saying 'best barber in the world'.

And the third has a sign saying 'best barber on the street'

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A 90 year old man in Amsterdam goes into a language school, because he wants to learn Hebrew.

Says the teacher: „You are 90 years old. Isn't that a little bit late to start learning Hebrew? The old man answers: „ Well, when I meet my maker I want to talk to him in the language of the old testament. The teacher: „Ok, but what if you end up in hell? - The old one: „Mh, everybody knows a word or two in German, right?

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A tourist in Amsterdam sees a prostitute in a window

He taps on the glass and says "How much?"

"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.

"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"

"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"

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A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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Hooker in Amsterdam

A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she laughs at his face, so he goes on his merry way, the next day he is having breakfast with his wife at a cafe, the hooker passes him by and notices him and quietly whispers eyeing his wife, 'See this is what you get for 30$'

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My friend went to Amsterdam..

My friend is Lebanese.
While walking through the red light district,
he wanders into the first house he sees.
He says, "I'll give you $200,but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute refuses and so he leaves.
He walks up to the next house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $200, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The second prostitute refuses and kicks him out as well.
So he walks up to the final house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $300, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute agrees and they bang it out,
after the prostitute turns to him and says,
"I don't mean to be rude but, that was pretty average. What makes it Lebanese though?"
My friend replies, "Pay you next time".

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I used to find window shopping depressing.....

then I visited Amsterdam.

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Penguins, 20 Euros

A man had been enjoying Amsterdam and was down to his last 20 euros.

Wandering the streets he spies a sign, "Penguins 20 Euros"

"Hell yeah! I'm going to get a penguin!"

He walks in and says he would like the penguin for 20 euros. He is led upstairs into a room with the most beautiful woman ever. She rips down his pants and begins giving him the best blow job of his life. Just as he is about to climax she gets up and runs out of the room.

He chases after with his pants around his ankles yelling "Hey! Where's my penguin?!?"

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What's the difference between a drug-addict in Amsterdam and a homosexual in Iran?

Only one gets stoned and lives.

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Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

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Amsterdam is like the Tour de France

A bunch of people on drugs riding bicycles.

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Similarity between holiday at Amsterdam anf Saudi Arabia?

Both places you have sex and get stoned

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I hate it when people say Amsterdam is only for smoking weed.

I mean c'mon, there's prostitutes too!

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What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel

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Amsterdam is like a tour de France

- it's full of people on bikes and drugs.

--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam

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A guy walks into a whorehouse in Amsterdam . . .

A guy walks into a whorehouse in Amsterdam. He sits down and a young girl sits on his lap. He whispers something in her ear. She jumps off his lap and yells, "Oh God no!" and scurries off.

The madam notices this and thinks, "Okay, this guy is a little weird." So she sends one of her more experienced girls over. He whispers in her ear and she jumps up and yells, "ARE YOU CRAZY?" and hightails it.

The madam thinks, "Okay, this guy is a freak." So she sends over her most experienced gal, I mean she's done things that 99.9999999999999% of the world has never even heard of. That gal sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she jumps up and yells something nasty in German, Thai, and Brazilian Portuguese and runs away.

So the madam goes over and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"

"I was just asking aboot paying in Canadian dollars."

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Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .

He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus

*Bark Bark

Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs


Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

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Vacations

In Amsterdam you get stoned and have sex.

In dubai you habe sex and get stoned.

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[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

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I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam

"We're off to Nether-netherlands"

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I got stoned in Saudi Arabia

Got to say it was less enjoyable than it was in Amsterdam

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What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

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Amsterdam, 26 October1942, about tea time.

Mr Frank - "Shhhh Quiet everybody ... the Germans are coming".

Anne Frank - "I am too"

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I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)

There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.

Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.

He shouts to the man (in Dutch) "Don't drink that, you will be sick!!!)

The man responds (in German) "Was hast du gesagt??" (What are you saying?)

The Dutch man responds (in German) "Use both hands! It's much better!"

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What do you call a chevalier from Amsterdam?

A knight of the highest order.

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Holydays in Amsterdam NSFW

Holidays in Amsterdam: Have sex and get stoned
Holidays in Saudi Arabia: Have sex and get stoned

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I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal.

Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam BECAUSE prostitution is legal.

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Prostitutes in Amsterdam are very demanding...

The last one I went with made me wash my Old Man in the sink!

Can't even remember why I took Dad in the first place.

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How easy is it to get stoned in Amsterdam?

It's a piece of cake.

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My friends and I got so high in Amsterdam that we went to a local store and stole a couple of bags of ice....

We took them down to the canal and released them back into the wild.

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Why did the cryptographer go to Amsterdam?

Because he wanted a stronger hash

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Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

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Why is weed legal in Amsterdam?

Because need to get high xD land is far down so the water almost touches them

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Why can't you barbecue in Amsterdam?

Because the steaks are too high.

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My ex girlfriend moved to Amsterdam.

Now I see her in a new light.

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Is it legal to get high in you?

Cause amsterDAM!!!

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I received a parcel from Holland over the weekend. I opened it up and inside was a large rubber vagina.

I thought "Lovely, two lips from Amsterdam"

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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn't pay €50 in Amsterdam to have a lentil on my face.

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I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience.

Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

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The Tour de France is a lot like Amsterdam,

a lot of people on drugs riding bicycles.

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My friend showed me his pictures from his exchange program in Amsterdam. It turns out he did a project at the Red Light district there.

Damn, he really was studying a broad!

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Anne Frank may have been....

the only person to go to Amsterdam NOT to get baked.

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Why is it so hard to find a priest in Amsterdam?

They're all high priests.

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Wanna go to Copenhagen?

Amsterdam sure

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What are the best Amsterdam puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Amsterdam? Well, here are the best jokes about Amsterdam to have fun with.

Joko Jokes