Amputee Jokes

116 amputee jokes and hilarious amputee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amputee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Amputee jokes are a type of humor that focus on people who have lost one or more limbs. Although they can be seen as insensitive, they are often used to make light of a difficult situation.

Funniest Amputee Short Jokes

Short amputee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amputee humour may include short amputated jokes also.

  1. If you watch 127 Hours backwards It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
  2. An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
    On the other, they don't really help.
  3. My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg. It's just a stocking filler
  4. Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged. I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.
    (H/T Demetri Martin)
  5. As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost. He said an arm and a leg.
  6. If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs? An amputee.
  7. What do you call a stripper who works with amputees? A stump grinder
  8. What really offends amputees? Off-handed comments.
  9. I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment
  10. Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic. "Everybody put your hand up!"

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Amputee One Liners

Which amputee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amputee? I can suggest the ones about amputated arm and amputated toe.

  1. What do you call an amputee trying to do karate? Partial Arts.
  2. Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...
  3. Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank... Because he was unarmed
  4. What do you call an amputee learning karate? Partial arts
  5. I married an amputee last week She single handedly changed my life
  6. An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon... It was secondhand.
  7. What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts
  8. What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
  9. Saw an amputee in the gym today.. Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
  10. So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day I got cut-off.
  11. So a quadriplegic amputee went... Absolutely nowhere.
  12. I sell prosthetics to midgets who are amputees... I'm a small arms dealer.
  13. Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward? He was armed.
  14. What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts.
  15. Where do amputee's go out to eat? IHop.

Arm Amputee Jokes

Here is a list of funny arm amputee jokes and even better arm amputee puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says... Two arms, Comrade.
  • I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee. No arm, no foul.
  • I always wanted to be an amputee but it's way to expensive. I hear it cost an arm or a leg
  • I am reading an autobiography of a double amputee… It's called A farewell To Arms .
  • What do you call an amputee with a gun? Armed.
  • An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly. Needless to say, he was stumped.
  • What to you call a Guitarist with no arms? An Amputee.
  • Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun? He Wanted to be Armed.
  • What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for? Amputee
  • So what do you do? *I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*
    So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?
    *I prefer international arms dealer.*

Leg Amputee Jokes

Here is a list of funny leg amputee jokes and even better leg amputee puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends. It was quite the faux paw.
  • Why are double amputees always wrong? Because they don't have a leg to stand on.
    Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.
  • Double leg amputees are the worst... ...I can't stand them
  • Don't believe anything double amputees say. They don't have a leg to stand on.
  • Why are amputees so good at road trips? They're always on the last leg.
  • What is a double amputee's favorite video game? League of Leg ends.
  • What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg? Neon.
  • I feel really bad for amputees. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to stand having no legs.
  • How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building? Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.
  • As a recent amputee I would like to ask, who knew that car accidents really DID cost an arm and a leg?
Amputee joke, As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

Amputee joke, As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

Gather Around for Heartwarming Amputee Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about amputee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean legs amputated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amputee pranks.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

When I wake up every morning, things always go well.

I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

I sing like an amputee

I can't hold a note. I can't carry a tune.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles?


How did the guy with a f**... ruin his date with an amputee?

He got off on the wrong foot

Amputees can be pretty stubborn.

You've really got to hand it to them.

What do amputees and cricket have in common?


What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

Amputees will not find this joke funny:

Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

If you're an amputee and you know it

clap your hand!

I met an amputee in a bar

Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town
"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.
To which I replied
"you and what arm, E?"

Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

My wife started crying when I asked her for a h**...

Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

What did the amputee say to the police officer?

"Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

I have an amputee f**... and finally decided to meet up with one.

Found her on StubHub.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

An amputee walks up to a stranger...

An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, I lost my left arm and left leg!!! .
The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, All-righty then.

Why was the amputee such a bad singer?

Because he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune!

A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.
"Not another hat..."

What do you call a confused amputee?


Why did the amputee get kicked out of the bar?

Because he couldn't hold his drink.

Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

How can you tell if amputees are vegan?

They lack toes.

How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?

If he lacks toes!

What's the best part of being an above knee amputee?

50% off lap dances.

Where do amputees like to shop?

The second hand store.

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?


How tall is the worlds tallest amputee?

About a foot shorter than the tallest man.

Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They're always unarmed

I had s**... with an amputee.

It didn't feel right, so I left.

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

If you're a movie ticket usher and .......

.... and amputee leaves the theater, but comes back and shows you his ticket, is it wrong to say to him "I'm glad you saved your stub" ?

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

What kind of guys are amputee women into?

Army Men

What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?


Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

Why didn't the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

What fighting style does an amputee use?

Partial arts

It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.

Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.

How do amputees win video games?


I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!
I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...

"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"

--This is a text, how should I know?
"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"

Amputee joke, "I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fing

jokes about amputee