Gather Around for Heartwarming Amputee Jokes and Uplifting Humor
The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.
She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
When I wake up every morning, things always go well.
I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.
So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day
I got cut-off.
So a quadriplegic amputee went...
Absolutely nowhere.
On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...
...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).
I sing like an amputee
I can't hold a note. I can't carry a tune.
So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...
and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."
Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank...
Because he was unarmed
What did the quadruple amputee say when he couldn't solve the riddle?
I'm stumped.
What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles?
Stumped
You can explore amputee arm reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean amputee handicap dad jokes. There are also amputee puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How did the guy with a foot fetish ruin his date with an amputee?
He got off on the wrong foot
I married an amputee last week
She single handedly changed my life
Amputees can be pretty stubborn.
You've really got to hand it to them.
What do amputees and cricket have in common?
Stumps
Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...
Why are double amputees always wrong?
Because they don't have a leg to stand on.
Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.
What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.
What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?
Amputee
Amputees will not find this joke funny:
Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.
I told a riddle to a double amputee once
Boy did it leave him stumped
What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?
Look ma, no hands!
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...
It was secondhand.
Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.
I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.
(H/T Demetri Martin)
I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.
No arm, no foul.
If you're an amputee and you know it
clap your hand!
I met an amputee in a bar
Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town
"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.
To which I replied
"you and what arm, E?"
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.
It was quite the faux paw.
Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?
It was out of hand.
My wife started crying when I asked her for a handjob
Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.
An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff
Luckily he was unarmed
What did the amputee say to the police officer?
"Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
I have an amputee fetish and finally decided to meet up with one.
Found her on StubHub.
That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.
He really couldn't hold his drink.
An amputee walks up to a stranger...
An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, I lost my left arm and left leg!!! .
The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, All-righty then.
Why are amputees so good at road trips?
They're always on the last leg.
What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?
Partial Arts.
Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.
"Everybody put your hand up!"
Why was the amputee such a bad singer?
Because he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune!
Saw an amputee in the gym today..
Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.
He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.
"Not another hat..."
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
What do you call a confused amputee?
Stumped.
Why did the amputee get kicked out of the bar?
Because he couldn't hold his drink.
Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?
The Secondhand store.
I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs
In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment
How can you tell if amputees are vegan?
They lack toes.
How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?
If he lacks toes!
What's the best part of being an above knee amputee?
50% off lap dances.
Where do amputees like to shop?
The second hand store.
What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
How tall is the worlds tallest amputee?
About a foot shorter than the tallest man.
Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?
He Wanted to be Armed.
What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?
Neon.
Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?
They're always unarmed
She said she could never date an amputee.
I could never fill her ex's shoes.
An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.
Needless to say, he was stumped.
As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.
He said an arm and a leg.
Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?
He was armed.
I had sex with an amputee.
It didn't feel right, so I left.
An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...
I guess you could say he got stumped.
How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?
Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.
If you're a movie ticket usher and .......
.... and amputee leaves the theater, but comes back and shows you his ticket, is it wrong to say to him "I'm glad you saved your stub" ?
I met this Amputee Lumberjack
He said his specialty was stumps
What do you call an amputee with a gun?
Armed.
I got a haircut from an amputee barber
He did it single handedly
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.
It's just a stocking filler
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial Arts
What to you call a Guitarist with no arms?
An Amputee.
What kind of guys are amputee women into?
Army Men
What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?
Matt
Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?
Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.
I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges
They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed
I always wanted to be an amputee but it's way to expensive.
I hear it cost an arm or a leg
Why didn't the police arrest the amputee?
He was unarmed.
What do you call an amputee learning karate?
Partial arts
What fighting style does an amputee use?
Partial arts
A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...
Two arms, Comrade.
It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.
Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.
If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?
An amputee.
How do amputees win video games?
Single-handedly
I gave my amputee friend his birthday present
It's a pair of gloves!
I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...
