Amputee Jokes

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank...

Because he was unarmed

I married an amputee last week

She single handedly changed my life

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

So a quadriplegic amputee went...

Absolutely nowhere.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

An amputee walks up to a stranger...

An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, I lost my left arm and left leg!!! .

The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, All-righty then.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles?

Stumped

My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.

It was quite the faux paw.

Where do amputees like to shop?

The second hand store.

How tall is the worlds tallest amputee?

About a foot shorter than the tallest man.

What do you call a confused amputee?

Stumped.

I met an amputee in a bar

Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town

"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.

To which I replied

"you and what arm, E?"

Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

Why are double amputees always wrong?

Because they don't have a leg to stand on.

Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.

I have an amputee fetish and finally decided to meet up with one.

Found her on StubHub.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

I sing like an amputee

I can't hold a note. I can't carry a tune.

Why are amputees so good at road trips?

They're always on the last leg.

What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They're always unarmed

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

My wife started crying when I asked her for a handjob

Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.

Why did the amputee get kicked out of the bar?

Because he couldn't hold his drink.

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?

He Wanted to be Armed.

Amputees will not find this joke funny:

Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.

What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?

Amputee

How did the guy with a foot fetish ruin his date with an amputee?

He got off on the wrong foot

How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?

If he lacks toes!

Amputees can be pretty stubborn.

You've really got to hand it to them.

A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.

"Not another hat..."

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

What did the amputee say to the police officer?

"Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

What's the best part of being an above knee amputee?

50% off lap dances.

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

How can you tell if amputees are vegan?

They lack toes.

When I wake up every morning, things always go well.

I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.

If you're an amputee and you know it

clap your hand!

Why was the amputee such a bad singer?

Because he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune!

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

I had sex with an amputee.

It didn't feel right, so I left.

Being an amputee...

On one hand it has its benefits, but on the oth-

She said she could never date an amputee.

I could never fill her ex's shoes.

What did the man say after he got into a fight with the amputee?

You stumped me!

What's the worst thing about being an amputee?

Having an imaginary girlfriend.

What do you call a quadruple amputee who's a member of organized crime?

The head

What is an amputees favorite movie?

Armageddon.

What do you call a shirt missing its sleeves?

An ampu-tee.

A double amputee was brought in for questioning after a shooting at a local convenience store.

Police released the man soon after they discovered he was unarmed.

Why was the amputee unable to win the foot race?

He had already been completely defeeted.

What did the double arm amputee say to his mother?

"Look ma, no hands!"

TIFU by gatecrashing an amputee conference...

It was just a bit of 'armless fun.

How do you know an amputee loves you?

He goes out on a limb for you.

How do you call a puzzled amputee?

Stumped.

A kid with no legs challenged me to a duel.

I declined. You can't defeat an amputee.

What do amputees and cricket have in common?

Stumps

An amputee learning to ride a bike-

"Look ma no hands!"

An amputee missing an arm and a leg walks up to a stranger and shouts

"I lost my left arm and left leg!!!"

The stranger says, "My god what a tragedy!"

The amputee says; "I'm all right."

Did you hear about the amputee debate team?

They almost won the championship, but it turns out their argument didn't have a leg to stand on.

What do you call a single leg amputee archer?

Legolas

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim