Amputee Jokes

Following is our collection of quadriplegic humor and amputate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Amputee puns for adults, dirty gonzalez jokes or clean crutches gags for kids.

There is an abundance of limbless jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on amputee. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any stubhub witze you can hear about amputee.

The Best jokes about Amputee

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank...

Because he was unarmed

I married an amputee last week

She single handedly changed my life


An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

So a quadriplegic amputee went...

Absolutely nowhere.


What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

An amputee walks up to a stranger...

An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, I lost my left arm and left leg!!! .

The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, All-righty then.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles?

Stumped


My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.

It was quite the faux paw.

Where do amputees like to shop?

The second hand store.

How tall is the worlds tallest amputee?

About a foot shorter than the tallest man.

What do you call a confused amputee?

Stumped.

I met an amputee in a bar

Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town

"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.

To which I replied

"you and what arm, E?"

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

Why are double amputees always wrong?

Because they don't have a leg to stand on.

Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.

I have an amputee fetish and finally decided to meet up with one.

Found her on StubHub.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

I sing like an amputee

I can't hold a note. I can't carry a tune.

Why are amputees so good at road trips?

They're always on the last leg.

What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

What do you call an amputee with a gun?

Armed.

Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They're always unarmed

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

My wife started crying when I asked her for a handjob

Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

Why did the amputee get kicked out of the bar?

Because he couldn't hold his drink.

Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?

He Wanted to be Armed.

Amputees will not find this joke funny:

Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.

What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?

Amputee

How did the guy with a foot fetish ruin his date with an amputee?

He got off on the wrong foot

How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?

If he lacks toes!

If you're a movie ticket usher and .......

.... and amputee leaves the theater, but comes back and shows you his ticket, is it wrong to say to him "I'm glad you saved your stub" ?

What did the amputee say to the police officer?

"Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.

"Not another hat..."

Amputees can be pretty stubborn.

You've really got to hand it to them.

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

What's the best part of being an above knee amputee?

50% off lap dances.

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

I had sex with an amputee.

It didn't feel right, so I left.

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

How can you tell if amputees are vegan?

They lack toes.

If you're an amputee and you know it

clap your hand!

When I wake up every morning, things always go well.

I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.

Why was the amputee such a bad singer?

Because he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune!

Being an amputee...

On one hand it has its benefits, but on the oth-

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

She said she could never date an amputee.

I could never fill her ex's shoes.

Why was the amputee unable to win the foot race?

He had already been completely defeeted.

A double amputee was brought in for questioning after a shooting at a local convenience store.

Police released the man soon after they discovered he was unarmed.

As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

who knew that car accidents really DID cost an arm and a leg?

What did the double arm amputee say to his mother?

"Look ma, no hands!"

What did the man say after he got into a fight with the amputee?

You stumped me!

TIFU by gatecrashing an amputee conference...

It was just a bit of 'armless fun.

What is an amputees favorite movie?

Armageddon.

What do you call a shirt missing its sleeves?

An ampu-tee.

What's the worst thing about being an amputee?

Having an imaginary girlfriend.

What do you call a quadruple amputee who's a member of organized crime?

The head

An amputee missing an arm and a leg walks up to a stranger and shouts

"I lost my left arm and left leg!!!"

The stranger says, "My god what a tragedy!"

The amputee says; "I'm all right."

What do you call a man with no legs and a really big nose?

An amputee.

How do you call a puzzled amputee?

Stumped.

What do amputees and cricket have in common?

Stumps

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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