Amputation Jokes

29 amputation jokes and hilarious amputation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amputation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Amputation Short Jokes

Short amputation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amputation humour may include short amputated jokes also.

  1. I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
  2. A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
    The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
  3. A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
    "We had to amputate your arms"
  4. A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
  5. Why did dad divorce mom after hiking Mt. Everest? Mom got frostbite, and had toes amputated.
    Dad's lack-toes-intolerant.
  6. Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  7. After my leg amputation I asked if I could keep my leg. The doctor asked 'Why?' I said:''Because it's my right!'
  8. Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
  9. My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated. After that, nobody stood him up again!
  10. A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."

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Amputation One Liners

Which amputation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amputation? I can suggest the ones about leg amputated and legs amputated.

  1. What's a phrase you can't stand to hear? "Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."
  2. How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated? Defeeted
  3. A patient broke out of an amputation clinic! Don't worry, hes unarmed
  4. Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it.. It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
  5. "Doctor doctor I can't feel my legs!!" "I know," says the doctor "I amputated your arms."
  6. It's sad, really. I've seen less of my dad since the amputation.
  7. I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition I'm stumped
  8. My friend had his leg amputated but he's doing well. got a new job at ihop
  9. Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated? He's alright.
  10. A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man's leg It was a baloney amputation
  11. What's the worst part about amputation? It cost a arm and a leg.
  12. Hey, Doc! I can't feel my legs! I know.
    It's because I amputated both your arms.
  13. I had to get my leg amputated. Guess I'm on my final leg.
  14. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He's all right now.
  15. My hand got amputated recently :c On the other hand, i have a new girlfriend.

Amputation joke, My hand got amputated recently :c

Happy Amputation Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about amputation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean amputated arm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amputation pranks.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...

"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him
"What's the bad news?" asked the man
"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.
"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes...!"

Amputation joke, A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...