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Amputated Jokes

122 amputated jokes and hilarious amputated puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amputated that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Explore the world of amputated jokes and read funny jokes about amputations and limb-loss injuries. Discover hilarious jokes about amputated fingers, toes, arms, thumbs and legs that will have you laughing out loud.

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Funniest Amputated Short Jokes

Short amputated jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amputated humour may include short amputee jokes also.

  1. I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
  2. A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
    The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
  3. A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
    "We had to amputate your arms"
  4. A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
  5. Why did dad divorce mom after hiking Mt. Everest? Mom got frostbite, and had toes amputated.
    Dad's lack-toes-intolerant.
  6. Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  7. After my leg amputation I asked if I could keep my leg. The doctor asked 'Why?' I said:''Because it's my right!'
  8. Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
  9. My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated. After that, nobody stood him up again!
  10. A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."

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Amputated One Liners

Which amputated one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amputated? I can suggest the ones about arm amputee and leg amputee.

  1. What's a phrase you can't stand to hear? "Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."
  2. How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated? Defeeted
  3. A patient broke out of an amputation clinic! Don't worry, hes unarmed
  4. Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it.. It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
  5. "Doctor doctor I can't feel my legs!!" "I know," says the doctor "I amputated your arms."
  6. It's sad, really. I've seen less of my dad since the amputation.
  7. I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition I'm stumped
  8. My friend had his leg amputated but he's doing well. got a new job at ihop
  9. Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated? He's alright.
  10. A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man's leg It was a baloney amputation
  11. What's the worst part about amputation? It cost a arm and a leg.
  12. Hey, Doc! I can't feel my legs! I know.
    It's because I amputated both your arms.
  13. I had to get my leg amputated. Guess I'm on my final leg.
  14. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He's all right now.
  15. My hand got amputated recently :c On the other hand, i have a new girlfriend.

Leg Amputated Jokes

Here is a list of funny leg amputated jokes and even better leg amputated puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
  • A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.
  • DOCTOR DOCTOR Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
    Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms
  • Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery? I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.
  • I think the doctor who amputated my legs is the best doctor in the world, but I admit I'm partial.
  • I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!" "I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."
  • A man is hospitalized after a serious accident Following his surgery, he says, "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor says, "I know. I amputated your arms."
  • I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why "Because it's my right"
  • I Have Good News and Bad News... -What's the bad news doctor?
    -We're going to amputate both your legs
    -And the good news?
    -I'll give you $20 for your sneakers.
  • After a year long struggle, my diabetic uncle just had both legs amputated below the ankle.... I guess you could say he was de-feeted.

Legs Amputated Jokes

Here is a list of funny legs amputated jokes and even better legs amputated puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • American healthcare costs are out of a control A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!
  • A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated He's just a comedian now.
  • A patient tell the doctor "I can't stand the pain"... The doctor replies, "I know I amputated your legs."
  • My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg Now I don't have a leg to stand on
  • A man wakes up from a car accident and cries: Doctor, I can't feel my legs! The doctor replied: that's because I had to amputate your arms.
  • Serious Surgery A man wakes up after a serious surgery and says,
    "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs"
    The Doctor replied, "That's right, I amputated your arms!"
  • A patient wakes up after an accident He says, Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!
    The Doctor replies, I know, I amputated your arms.
  • (Not mine) A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident. He cries out "DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
    The doctor replies "I know. I amputated your arms!"
  • A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"! Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms".
  • Medical prices these days are ridiculous Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.
Amputated joke, Medical prices these days are ridiculous

Amputated Arm Jokes

Here is a list of funny amputated arm jokes and even better amputated arm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Best amputation jokes? Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.
  • I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated. The doctor thought it was a little rash.
  • Why did the successful comedian lose his job after a car accident? It caused amputation of both his arms and lost his funny bone
  • Did you hear about the guy that was arrested at the school for the amputated? He was an armed suspect.
  • You know what the worst part of a double amputation is? It costs an arm and a leg
  • Man tells doctor he can't feel his legs The doctor replies with, "I know, I amputated your arms."
  • Did you hear about the Marathon being held in Chernobyl for Victims whose Limbs have been amputated? They're calling it the Nuclear Arms Race.
  • They said Canada has free healthcare, but after I got in a car accident and needed to have two limbs amputated... The cost was an arm and a leg!
  • Amputation costs around $30,000 - $60,000 That's like an arm and a leg!
  • There was an Italian man that couldn't speak after WWII His arms were amputated.

Amputated Toe Jokes

Here is a list of funny amputated toe jokes and even better amputated toe puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Had to leave my partner. They had both feet amputated. Turns out I'm lack toes intolerant.
  • Yesterday, I saw a guy harassing a diabetic who recently had parts of his foot amputated. I guess the first guy was lack toes intolerant.
  • I broke up with my girlfriend after she had to have all of her toes amputated... I told her before we started dating that I'm *lack-toes intolerant*.
  • I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint. I gave him a Tic Tac toe.
  • What are your best toe amputation jokes? Co worker lost a toe. Need lots of jokes. Already used up tow jokes about towing his car
  • Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her. I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.
  • My girlfriend left me after my little toe was amputated.. I guess she was lack toes intolerant :/
  • A hospital patient became violent when told he needed to have all his toes amputated. It turns out he was lack-toes intolerant.
  • My dad is in the hospital, he needed to get some toes amputated because of his diabetes. He's been good about it. He says he's lactose intolerant.
  • A friend of mine has become bitter and angry since he had the ends of his feet amputated. He's lack-toes intolerant.

Amputated Finger Jokes

Here is a list of funny amputated finger jokes and even better amputated finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon She finally took my digits this time!
  • So my best friend had his index finger amputated in an accident. That's dis-a-pointing.
  • I had to get an amputation on my hand recently. It came as a surprise. I wish the doctor could have told me, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
  • What do you call an amputated finger? Disposable thumb
Amputated joke, What do you call an amputated finger?

Cheerful Fun Amputated Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about amputated you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mangled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amputated pranks.

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident.

The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.
Start with the bad news. says the man.
Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.
And the good news? asks the man.
The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes.

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

I have some good news....

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Give me the bad.
Dr: We have to amputate both of your legs.
Patient: shock! The good?
Dr: The man in the other room wants to buy your shoes!

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I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

Amputated

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all.

A doctor walks into his patient's room

And says I have good news and bad news for you.
Patient: Well let's start with the bad news
Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.
Patient: What? How can there be any good news?
Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers.

A doctor had news to his patient

I have good news and bad news for you Says the doctor
Give me the bad news first
I had to amputate both of your legs
And the good news? Says the patient
I'll buy your shoes for $100

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.

Amputate?

Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

Doctor, Doctor.

DOCTOR. "Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news"
PATIENT " I'll take the bad news first Doc."
DOCTOR "We'll have to amputate both your legs".
PATIENT. "My God, that's terrible, what's the good news?"
DOCTOR. The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. 

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the c**... pretty much everything went to s**.... I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.
Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some good news.

Me: What's the bad news doc?
Doctor: I have to amputate your left foot.
Me: What's the good news?
Doctor: You are going to start the new year on the right foot.

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says we're going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads .
He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?
I'll take the bad news first
Okay, well unfortunately we amputated the wrong foot so we had to amputate both feet due to the mistake and gangrene .
And what the h**... is the good news?!
The patient beside you wants to buy your slippers .

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.

A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...

"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him
"What's the bad news?" asked the man
"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.
"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes...!"

The Doctor walked into the patients room to give him the update.

" Well I've have good news and I have bad news" he says.
" Give me the bad news Doc" said the patient
" We will have to amputate both of your feet!" The doctor replies.
" That really is bad news, so what's the good news"
"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!!"

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.
But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident

He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."

Ray Charles went to the doctor.

Doctor said, "I got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"
Ray says, "Give me the bad."
Doctor says, "Well Mr. Charles because of your diabetes we have to amputate your left leg."
Ray, "d**.... Well what's the good news?"
Doctor clears his t**... and sings, "Uh huh, uh huh, you got the right one baby!"

A man had the right side of his body amputated

I said "if i was half the man he was, i'd be a quarter of a man"

Amputated joke, A man had the right side of his body amputated

jokes about amputated