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Amputated Arm Jokes

74 amputated arm jokes and hilarious amputated arm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amputated arm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Amputated Arm Short Jokes

Short amputated arm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amputated arm humour may include short amputated jokes also.

  1. A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
    The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
  2. A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
    "We had to amputate your arms"
  3. A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
  4. Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  5. A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."
  6. A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.
  7. DOCTOR DOCTOR Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
    Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms
  8. Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery? I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.
  9. Best amputation jokes? Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.
  10. I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!" "I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

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Amputated Arm One Liners

Which amputated arm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amputated arm? I can suggest the ones about arm amputee and amputee.

  1. Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it.. It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
  2. "Doctor doctor I can't feel my legs!!" "I know," says the doctor "I amputated your arms."
  3. What's the worst part about amputation? It cost a arm and a leg.
  4. Hey, Doc! I can't feel my legs! I know.
    It's because I amputated both your arms.
  5. You know what the worst part of a double amputation is? It costs an arm and a leg
  6. Amputation costs around $30,000 - $60,000 That's like an arm and a leg!
  7. There was an Italian man that couldn't speak after WWII His arms were amputated.
  8. It's expensive to attend Amputation University... Tuition's an arm and a leg!

Amputated Arm Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about amputated arm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean severed arm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amputated arm pranks.

Chuck Norris once got his arm stuck in a canyon.


After 5 days of pain and agony, Chuck Norris had to amputate the canyon.
It was a tough choice...

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.
"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.
"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."
A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.
"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."
"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."
After another week, the American wakes to the German again.
"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."
"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."
"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.
"...but...why not?" asks the American.
"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

Why are you dancing?

Mark loses an arm in a car accident. He becomes so depressed that he decides to commit s**... by jumping off of a building. As Mark is about to jump, he looks down and sees a man, with both arms amputated, dancing on the street.
Confused, Mark goes down and asks him: "Excuse me, I'm just curious as to why you are dancing with joy when you have lost both of your arms. Whereas, I'm about to kill myself after losing just one?"
The man looks back at Mark and says: "I'm not dancing... I have to scratch my back."

A serious car accident takes place...

and a 6 year old boy is seriously hurt. He is rushed to the hospital, and is quickly examined by doctors. The doctors decide that the severity of the boys injuries are very high, so they decide that he will have to have his limbs amputated.
Upon waking up from the surgery, the boy looks around and sees the doctor, the doctor says "Hello, little man. How are you feeling?"
The boy says "My. My legs. I can't feel my legs"
The doctor replies, "Yes, that's because we amputated your arms!"

A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."

From Memphis Belle

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the n**... on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a b**... mission?"
The n**... figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
"We think you are trying to escape!"

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the k**... have him t**... and they're interrogating him.
"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"
The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next b**... raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:
"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"
The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a b**... raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:
"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"
The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".
"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

Did you hear about the failed anti-amputation vaccine?

It worked fine, but it cost an arm and leg.....

you're all right

A friend of mine recently got into a really bad accident, they had to amputate his left arm and left leg. When I visited him in the hospital he was very upset, so I told him the important thing is you're all right. he looked me in the eyes, "how can I be all right" he lamented "when I have nothing left?"

a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII...

A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg.
"Hey, next time you guys are b**... England, can you drop it over my base?"
So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied.
"Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"
"Why not?"
"Because ve zink you are trying to escape!"

From the Hospital...

Husband: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been conducting examinations and tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.
Wife: Who is Tina?

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A man is hospitalized after a serious accident

Following his surgery, he says, "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor says, "I know. I amputated your arms."

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

Medical prices these days are ridiculous

Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.

So a man gets into a car accident and is rushed to the hospital...

When the man awakens, he says "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor responds with "I know, I amputated your arms."

An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the n**... amputated one.
"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.
The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.
"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.
The doctors met his second request.
A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.
"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.
"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"
"Why not?"
"We think you're trying to escape!"

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

Black friday deal, Surgery half off!

Amputations that won't cost you an arm and a.... wait.

Whats the difference between a guy who's got his left leg and arm amputated and a black guy?

He has rights.

A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"!

Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms".

Payback

My son is sick and we took him to the doctor. MY dad texted and asked how the visit went.
Dad: What did the doctor say?
Me: They are going to amputate his left arm...so he will be all right!

Did you hear about the Marathon being held in Chernobyl for Victims whose Limbs have been amputated?

They're calling it the Nuclear Arms Race.

Man tells doctor he can't feel his legs

The doctor replies with, "I know, I amputated your arms."

A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious car c**...

He says to the doctor "Oh god I can't feel my legs"
The doctor says "I know I amputated your arms"

I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated.

The doctor thought it was a little rash.

Serious Surgery

A man wakes up after a serious surgery and says,
"Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs"
The Doctor replied, "That's right, I amputated your arms!"

A girl living in Tchernobyl had an arm amputated due to a radiation overdose

Now she only has 2 left

There's a new diabetes medication that may lead to amputation.

Patients have also complained about the price of the medication. I guess it costs an arm and a leg.

A patient wakes up after an accident

He says, Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!
The Doctor replies, I know, I amputated your arms.

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in t**..., Oh my god, what's happening? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, Yes Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms.

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.

British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!
Why asked the pilot?
Because ve zink you're trying to escape.
(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)

A man wakes up from a car accident and cries: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied: that's because I had to amputate your arms.

I had to have my left leg and arm amputated.

That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be "all right"

They said Canada has free healthcare, but after I got in a car accident and needed to have two limbs amputated...

The cost was an arm and a leg!

Did you hear about the guy that was arrested at the school for the amputated?

He was an armed suspect.

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his right leg got infected and needed to be, you guessed it, amputated.
Can you send it to America?
Nien we can not do that. We worry you are trying to escape.

Why did the successful comedian lose his job after a car accident?

It caused amputation of both his arms and lost his funny bone

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. 

(Not mine) A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident.

He cries out "DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor replies "I know. I amputated your arms!"

American healthcare costs are out of a control

A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.

A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident

He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."