Amputate Jokes

Following is our collection of snip humor and leg one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Amputate puns for adults, dirty mutilate jokes or clean fracture gags for kids.

There is an abundance of patella jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 39 funniest jokes on amputate. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any knee witze you can hear about amputate.

The Best jokes about Amputate

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

From Memphis Belle

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"

The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.

A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.

The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"

The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"

"We think you are trying to escape!"

a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"


A husband was dying

Larry was in his deathbed and his faithful wife, Jane, was beside him, witnessing her husband's last moments.

Larry looked at her and struggled to get his last words out.

"Jane, you were always with me in bad times: when I lost my entire fortune when the stocks crashed; when I had to amputate my legs after the car crashed; and even when I got cancer. Jane, I think you are..."

"Yes, dear?" Jane was in tears and drew close to him to catch the last words.

"I think you're a bad luck."

Doctor, Doctor.

DOCTOR. "Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news"

PATIENT " I'll take the bad news first Doc."

DOCTOR "We'll have to amputate both your legs".

PATIENT. "My God, that's terrible, what's the good news?"

DOCTOR. The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.

A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.

I have some good news....

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Patient: Give me the bad.

Dr: We have to amputate both of your legs.

Patient: shock! The good?

Dr: The man in the other room wants to buy your shoes!

DOCTOR DOCTOR

Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms


A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

"...but...why not?" asks the American.

"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

A doctor had news to his patient

I have good news and bad news for you Says the doctor

Give me the bad news first

I had to amputate both of your legs

And the good news? Says the patient

I'll buy your shoes for $100

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. 

A doctor walks into his patient's room

And says I have good news and bad news for you.

Patient: Well let's start with the bad news

Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.

Patient: What? How can there be any good news?

Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers.

Amputated

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg.

Patient: What is the good news?

Doctor: Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident.

The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.

Start with the bad news. says the man.

Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.

And the good news? asks the man.

The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes.

I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"


Amputate?

Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.

Shall I schedule the surgery?

Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, Oh my god, what's happening? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, Yes Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms.

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

I Have Good News and Bad News...

-What's the bad news doctor?

-We're going to amputate both your legs

-And the good news?

-I'll give you $20 for your sneakers.

British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!

Why asked the pilot?

Because ve zink you're trying to escape.


(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)

I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon

She finally took my digits this time!

you're all right

A friend of mine recently got into a really bad accident, they had to amputate his left arm and left leg. When I visited him in the hospital he was very upset, so I told him the important thing is you're all right. he looked me in the eyes, "how can I be all right" he lamented "when I have nothing left?"

A man wakes up from a car accident and cries: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied: that's because I had to amputate your arms.

A man wakes up in hospital after an accident. The Dr says, " Sir, I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first? "

The man says, "Give me the bad news".
Dr - " I'm afraid we've had to amputate both of your legs".
Man - " Oh my gosh, what's the good news?"
Dr- " The man in that bed wants to buy your shoes."

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his right leg got infected and needed to be, you guessed it, amputated.
Can you send it to America?
Nien we can not do that. We worry you are trying to escape.

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII...

A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg.

"Hey, next time you guys are bombing England, can you drop it over my base?"

So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied.

"Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"

"Why not?"

"Because ve zink you are trying to escape!"

Doctor and patient

Doctor: I have the results here. I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?

Patient: Bad news please

Doctor: We will need to amputate both of your legs

Patient: And what's the good news?

Doctor: We already found someone who's willing to buy your shoes.

A man is in the hospital and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news

The man says "give me the bad news, Dr."

The Dr tells him they will need to amputate the left foot.

The guy asks "what's the good news?"

The doctor says "you get to start 2017 on the right foot"

Cruel joke

A guy has a terrible accident, once he is at the hospital the doctor tells him: "I have bad news and good news." The guy responds tell me the bad news first. The bad news is that I need to amputate your two legs. The good news is that there is a guy outside who wants to buy your jordans...

A doctor walks into the patient's room after surgery and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," sighs the patient, "...better give me the bad news first."

The doc replies, "The bad news is I had to amputate both of your legs."

"My God!" replies the patient, "What's the good news?!!"

"The guy across the hall wants to buy your shoes."

A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"!

Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms".

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

Doctor says to his patient I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is we have to amputate both of your feet

Good news is the guy in next bed will buy your slippers off you.

Payback

My son is sick and we took him to the doctor. MY dad texted and asked how the visit went.

Dad: What did the doctor say?
Me: They are going to amputate his left arm...so he will be all right!

Playing doctor in the bedroom can be fun.

Until you try and amputate her leg and she wants to whine the whole time.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes