Comical Amputate Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
Doctor and patient
Doctor: I have the results here. I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
Patient: Bad news please
Doctor: We will need to amputate both of your legs
Patient: And what's the good news?
Doctor: We already found someone who's willing to buy your shoes.
you're all right
A friend of mine recently got into a really bad accident, they had to amputate his left arm and left leg. When I visited him in the hospital he was very upset, so I told him the important thing is you're all right. he looked me in the eyes, "how can I be all right" he lamented "when I have nothing left?"
A doctor walks into the patient's room after surgery and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."
"Okay," sighs the patient, "...better give me the bad news first."
The doc replies, "The bad news is I had to amputate both of your legs."
"My God!" replies the patient, "What's the good news?!!"
"The guy across the hall wants to buy your shoes."
Cruel joke
A guy has a terrible accident, once he is at the hospital the doctor tells him: "I have bad news and good news." The guy responds tell me the bad news first. The bad news is that I need to amputate your two legs. The good news is that there is a guy outside who wants to buy your jordans...
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident.
The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.
Start with the bad news. says the man.
Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.
And the good news? asks the man.
The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes.
My friend had to amputate the front of his foot so I punched him in the face.
I'm lack toes intolerant.
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.
Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs
"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"
A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.
You can explore amputate snip reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean amputate mutilate dad jokes. There are also amputate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon
She finally took my digits this time!
Please stop
A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.
A man is in the hospital and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news
The man says "give me the bad news, Dr."
The Dr tells him they will need to amputate the left foot.
The guy asks "what's the good news?"
The doctor says "you get to start 2017 on the right foot"
I have some good news....
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Give me the bad.
Dr: We have to amputate both of your legs.
Patient: shock! The good?
Dr: The man in the other room wants to buy your shoes!
A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"!
Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms".
Payback
My son is sick and we took him to the doctor. MY dad texted and asked how the visit went.
Dad: What did the doctor say?
Me: They are going to amputate his left arm...so he will be all right!
DOCTOR DOCTOR
Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms
I've got good news and bad news
"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"
What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?
"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."
Doctor says to his patient I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is we have to amputate both of your feet
Good news is the guy in next bed will buy your slippers off you.
Amputated
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all.
A doctor walks into his patient's room
And says I have good news and bad news for you.
Patient: Well let's start with the bad news
Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.
Patient: What? How can there be any good news?
Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers.
A doctor had news to his patient
I have good news and bad news for you Says the doctor
Give me the bad news first
I had to amputate both of your legs
And the good news? Says the patient
I'll buy your shoes for $100
A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, Oh my god, what's happening? I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, Yes Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms.
A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.
I Have Good News and Bad News...
-What's the bad news doctor?
-We're going to amputate both your legs
-And the good news?
-I'll give you $20 for your sneakers.
Amputate?
Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.
A man wakes up from a car accident and cries: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied: that's because I had to amputate your arms.
Playing doctor in the bedroom can be fun.
Until you try and amputate her leg and she wants to whine the whole time.
Doctor, Doctor.
DOCTOR. "Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news"
PATIENT " I'll take the bad news first Doc."
DOCTOR "We'll have to amputate both your legs".
PATIENT. "My God, that's terrible, what's the good news?"
DOCTOR. The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
A man wakes up in hospital after an accident. The Dr says, " Sir, I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first? "
The man says, "Give me the bad news".
Dr - " I'm afraid we've had to amputate both of your legs".
Man - " Oh my gosh, what's the good news?"
Dr- " The man in that bed wants to buy your shoes."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some good news.
Me: What's the bad news doc?
Doctor: I have to amputate your left foot.
Me: What's the good news?
Doctor: You are going to start the new year on the right foot.
Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...
... doctor says we're going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads .
He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?
I'll take the bad news first
Okay, well unfortunately we amputated the wrong foot so we had to amputate both feet due to the mistake and gangrene .
And what the hell is the good news?!
The patient beside you wants to buy your slippers .
A hospital surgeon told his patient : "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
The patient said, "Give me the bad news." The doctor said, " We are going to have to amputate both of your feet." The patient said, "Oh, that's terrible! What's the good news? The doctor said, "The patient in next bed wants to buy your slippers."
Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...
"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him
"What's the bad news?" asked the man
"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.
"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes...!"
I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.
I gave him a Tic Tac toe.
The Doctor walked into the patients room to give him the update.
" Well I've have good news and I have bad news" he says.
" Give me the bad news Doc" said the patient
" We will have to amputate both of your feet!" The doctor replies.
" That really is bad news, so what's the good news"
"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!!"
A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on
The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.
But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"
A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident
He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."
