Following is our collection of Amount jokes which are very funny. There are some amount tons jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these amount generate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down.
But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
An attornity.
"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"
You can explore amount shitload reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean amount magnitude dad jokes. There are also amount puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief
the other is pro wrestling.
The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
A significant amount of then would probably drown.
The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"
Raisin' Bran.
... i can find the door out.
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
Because Missouri loves company
That takes the amount of girls I've made wet to -1
She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.
Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.
The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta know your limits!"
"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
* Knowledge is power
* Time is money
* Power = work/time
So
* Time = work/power
Which implies
* Money = work/knowledge.
So for a fixed amount of work, the more you know the less money you get.
Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.
Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
Beats me.
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.
He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 Β₯ back.
He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 Β₯.
He asks "I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?"
Teller replies, "Well, fluctuations."
The Japanese man says, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you white guys too"
Tomorrow I'll show her!
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
Less frequently and with a fair amount of shame.
He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
I think I am understanding.
You have to endure twice the amount of dad jokes.
The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.
The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.
The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outsideο»Ώ.
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.
For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.
12
Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
...my teacher said I was nothing but a stupid loser, and I'd never amount to anything.
Now, I look back on my life and I realize that being home-schooled really sucked.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
β¦ as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.
To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.
The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."
An uncomfortable amount.
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Coz of the amount of reused content here.
The ICU.
Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.
He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"
The teller say "fluctuations"
The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Americans too!"
The amount of plastic in the ocean doubles
Is there a filter or flair so I can see only NSFW jokes so I don't have to scroll past all the clean jokes?
A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.
One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the amount buttload jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working amount gdp piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.