Silly & Ridiculous Amount Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
Pest Control
There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder...
She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down.
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?
An attornity.
"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"
"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"
You can explore amount shitload reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean amount magnitude dad jokes. There are also amount puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male p**... to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian s**....
Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.
Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Drug safety
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
What's the difference between US Politics and WWE?
one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief
the other is pro wrestling.
What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?
The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.
The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"
How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?
Raisin' Bran.
Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.
... i can find the door out.
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?
Because Missouri loves company
I lent a hot girl my umbrella while it was raining
That takes the amount of girls I've made wet to -1
The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.
Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.
The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta know your limits!"
A man named Eric Cole...
... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."
I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?
Beats me.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
The worst part of gay couples adopting kids
The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange.
He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 ¥ back.
He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 ¥.
He asks "I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?"
Teller replies, "Well, fluctuations."
The Japanese man says, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you white guys too"
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
Women have been sleeping with me lately like it's going out of style.
Less frequently and with a fair amount of shame.
A man visits his 70th class reunion
He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.
I think I am understanding.
The sad reality of being adopted by a gay couple is...
You have to endure twice the amount of dad jokes.
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.
But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.
To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
What do the US police force and the k**... have in common?
An uncomfortable amount.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?
Coz of the amount of reused content here.
What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?
The ICU.
An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange
Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.
He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"
The teller say "fluctuations"
The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Americans too!"
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'
My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day
Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night
Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
But she has an unusual amount of mining equipment.
I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint
Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem...
I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "
Having gay parents must be horrible
Either you get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask your mom'
My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke w**......
But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a third of a beer... And so on.
The bartender says: "That is an infinite amount of beer. You guys need to know your limits!"
Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.
No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:
'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'
Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.
The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.
The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"
The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"
The mathematician says "amateurs!". He gets up and builds a tiny fence around his feet and proclaims "I declare myself to be on the outside."
When my mom told me I'd never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much, I shot back, "Oh yeah!?"
"Just you wait!"
What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?
The Spaghetto
My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.
I told them, "just you wait!"
A good amount of my friends are n**......
Zero of them. Zero is a good amount of n**... to be friends with.
My 12 year old just told me a joke
He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.
It was tile by friar.
Thailand and China could not agree on trade relations,
China would not accept the official Thai Baht currency, but Thailand saw that China would readily accept South Korean Won with no problems.
Thailand decided they would try to get around the issue by purchasing a large amount of Korean *Won* to use for international trading,
But China still would not recognize Thai *Won* as legitimate.
I tried to sell my chickens, ut was insulted by all the low offers.
All I could get was a poultry amount of money.
having gay parents must be awful
Either 2 times the normal amount of dad jokes, or you get stuck in a loop of go ask your mom.
I gave a homeless man 100 dollars today..
..The amount of joy i felt when he put the gun away was priceless.
Chuck Norris set the record for most amount of records broken; All of them.
The Guinness Book is actually for all of the 2nd-placers, otherwise it would be a book the size of a post-it note with one page in it that says 'Chuck Norris'.
They say he once did a **minute** in only 41.25 seconds.
After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal
It was a miner success.
