Amount Jokes
100 amount jokes and hilarious amount puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amount that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Amount Short Jokes
Short amount jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amount humour may include short quantity jokes also.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.
- There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
- What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats.
- A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else. The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"
- My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem... I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "
- The ceo of Pepsi was fired this morning. They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.
*I have to be factually correct. - Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States? Because Missouri loves company
- *mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
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Amount One Liners
Which amount one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amount? I can suggest the ones about magnitude and portion.
- Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here.
- What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy? The ICU.
- Every girl is beautiful. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
- What do you name an electricity generator that makes infinite amounts of power? Wattever.
- My favorite sport is golf Because the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf
- My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!
- Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
- I tried some spicy kangaroo jerky today… It had the perfect amount of kick
- What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables? A notable day!
- .I was asked why I had small amounts of drugs taped to my upper lip . I said it's mustash
- I learned a lot today it means a large number or amount.
- Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks? A bow.
- The amount of people who confuse to and to.. Is amazing two me.
- What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes? Idaho
- What do Jesus and Logan have in common? Both's amount of subscribers is decreasing.
Silly & Ridiculous Amount Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about amount you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean price jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amount pranks.
Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pest Control
There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.
What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement?
A bananosecond
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder...
She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?
An attornity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"
"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male p**... to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian s**....
Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.
Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
Drug safety
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
What's the difference between US Politics and WWE?
one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief
the other is pro wrestling.
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth
A significant amount of then would probably drown.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I donated a large amount of money to a r**... clinic..
I wouldn't take no as an answer
When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time.
Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room.
Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.
... i can find the door out.
A man walks into a butcher shop...
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family
She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.
The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.
Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far
"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
Traffic accidents
A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"
A man named Eric Cole...
... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
Knowledge is power.
* Knowledge is power
* Time is money
* Power = work/time
So
* Time = work/power
Which implies
* Money = work/knowledge.
So for a fixed amount of work, the more you know the less money you get.
An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar...
Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.
Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?
Beats me.
My doctor told me that I absolutely can't drink any more.
So I promised to drink exactly the same amount.
My mom always said I'll never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
Tomorrow I'll show her!
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
Women have been sleeping with me lately like it's going out of style.
Less frequently and with a fair amount of shame.
A man visits his 70th class reunion
He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."
I used to be a quality checker at the m&m factory
You would not believe the amount of w's I had to throw out every day
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.
I think I am understanding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.
For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.
But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.
Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was young...
...my teacher said I was nothing but a s**... loser, and I'd never amount to anything.
Now, I look back on my life and I realize that being home-schooled really s**....
Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone
The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs
… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.
A joke about eggs
An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do the US police force and the k**... have in common?
An uncomfortable amount.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Iceberg
A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.
One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"
My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day
Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night
Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
But she has an unusual amount of mining equipment.
I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint
Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke w**......
But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!
A programer walks into a bar
He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says that he must order a beverage
Pleased, the programmer leaves the bar.
A little later another customer enters the bar and orders 2 beers.
The bar explodes
Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.
No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:
'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'
Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.
The difference between ravens and crows
Today I learned there are very few differences between ravens and crows. But one key difference is they have a different amount of tail feathers, so really, the difference is a matter of a pinion.
posted on behalf of my SO
What do you call it when 2 starving people fight over a small amount of food?
MORSEL KOMBAT!
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was getting cold out so my husband asked me for his hooded sweatshirt with the least amount of holes in it.
I brought it down to him saying, "here ya go. The evilest sweatshirt you have." He stared at me blankly. I said, "It's the least holey (holy) hoodie you own. So it has to be the most evil, right?"
**This is a real situation that just happened. He's an ironworker, so all of his work clothes have holes in them. He just facepalmed so hard when I made that joke I had to share. Sorry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?
The Spaghetto
A physicist tries betting on horse races
The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum."
I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.
It was tile by friar.
I tried to sell my chickens, ut was insulted by all the low offers.
All I could get was a poultry amount of money.
