Amish Jokes

Following is our collection of promiscuous humor and farmhouse one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Amish puns for adults, dirty lisps jokes or clean buggy gags for kids.

There is an abundance of carriage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on amish. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any menno witze you can hear about amish.

The Best jokes about Amish

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Did you hear about the slutty Amish girl?

She slept with two Mennonite.

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, you might want to have your husband look at your reflector He notices a rope wrapped around the horse's balls… and ma'am, some folks might find that rope offensive . The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither

Why don't Amish people water ski?

Because their horses would drown.


You hear about the Amish prostitute?

She slept with 10 Mennonite

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

I like sleeping with amish women

that way i don't have to call the next day

What goes clop-clop,bang-bang,clop-clop?

Amish drive-by.

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'


When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish

I can't wait till they see it

What do you call a man with his hands up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

What does it take to please an Amish woman?

Two Mennonite.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy

"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's testicles. That's just inhumane."

"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.

"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."

An Amish family went to the city for the first time ever.

They went to a mall. The Amish man saw an old woman get into an elevator. He observed with curiosity as he had never seen anything like it before. Two minutes later, a young beautiful woman came out of the same elevator.
The Amish man turned to his son and said
"go get your mother!"

Q: What do the Amish call a jar full of honeybees?

A: A vibrator.


Did you hear about the married Amish woman having an affair?

She loved two Mennonite.

An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, "Go get your mother..."

The Old Amish Lady and the Police Officer

One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, "Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else?" So the officer does a routine inspection of the 'vehicle' and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles. He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that her husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, "That's simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else?" After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, "I can't quite remember. Something about the emergency brake."

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

My parents said I don't have to come home until the street lights come on

but we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don't love me

Amish Hooker

What's an Amish Hooker do?

Ten Mennonite!

(Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.)

An Amish joke.


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Why did the Amish woman get pregnant?

Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.

How do you make an Amish woman happy?

3 Mennonite.

clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop

Amish drive-by shooting.

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, Mother, what is this?

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, I have not idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, Go get your father.

I have a fetish for Amish women.

Best part about it?

They don't expect you to call the next day!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"

The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."

While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

What makes the sound 'Clip clop bang clip clop'?

An Amish drive-by

How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant?

Two men a nite.

Why are Jews and the Amish so similar?

Neither like cooking with gas.

Had to dump my Amish girlfriend....

she drove me buggy.

What's an Amish girl's greatest fantasy?

Two or three Mennonite

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang?

An amish drive-by shooting

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

How many men does it take to satisfy an Amish woman?

Two Mennonite

What do an Amish woman and a hockey game both have in common? (NSFW)

They both have three periods between showers.

What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

Amish jokes

Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady?
She had two Mennonite

I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter

What's the best way to get an Amish girl pregnant?

Two mennonite..

There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

A mechanic.

How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball?

It's skirts versus shins.

An Amish joke for you...

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, silence....?

A drive-by shunning

Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition?

Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

Two Amish women...

Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Yoder are in the garden digging potatoes. Mrs Miller holds a large potato in each hand and says These remind me of my husband Kaleb's testicles .

Mrs Yoder says Oh goodness...they are that big???

Mrs. Miller says No..,they're that dirty.

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang clip clop clip clop

An Amish drive by shooting

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more

I slept with an Amish girl last night.

I don't think I'll call her.

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still shivering! What should i do?"

The husband replied "Oh put him up your dress, he'll be warm then!"

The wife complains " Oh honey, what about the smell!"

The husband responds, " Pinch his little nose, he'll be okay!"

Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"

SAW - "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"

FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

An Amish couple go to the city

So an Amish man and woman head to the big city for the first time. When they book they hotel the see that they are on the 8th floor.
A they head towards the elevator they see a hideous woman get in and go to the top floor. When the elevator comes back down a beautiful woman gets out.
When the man sees this he tells his wife "quick, get in the elevator!"

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?

"Hmm, something's Amish here."

Whats an amish person's favorite kind of raisin?

A barn raisin.

Why couldn't the Amish go waterskiing?

Because the horses might drown.

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

What goes clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang?

An Amish drive by.

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

[AMA request]

A person living in an electricity-free Amish community.

Why don't the Amish waterski?

The horses would drown.

Ba-dum TISH

Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.

One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.

The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"

"These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles." replied the first woman.

"Oh, that big?" said the second woman.

"No, that dirty."

New research

Shows Amish people have lower rates of cyber bullying

How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her sexual escapades?

In Mennonite.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's throat?

A mechanic.

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Two Mennonite

-Christopher Hitchins

Why did the Amish woman file for divorce?

Her husband was driving her buggy

How do you please an Amish woman?

Give her two Mennonite

Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday

All I saw was a swing and Amish

Have you ever been to an Amish party?

Those guys really raise the roof!

What goes "clip clip BANG"

What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."


An Amish drive-by shooting.

Why should you always invite Amish people to a party?

They know how to raise the roof.

What do all Amish women want?

2 Mennonite.

What do you call a group of Amish children?

Amlets.

(I'll see myself out)

Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community?

Too Mennonite

What do Amish people call their children?

Omelets

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant?

Too many mennonite.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes