Amish Jokes

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of Amish jokes. From Amish dating to Amish buggies, we've got all the Amish humor you can handle!

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Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Two Mennonite

-Christopher Hitchins

Whats an amish person's favorite kind of raisin?

A barn raisin.

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

Did you hear about the married Amish woman having an affair?

She loved two Mennonite.

jokes about amish

What does it take to please an Amish woman?

Two Mennonite.

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

Amish h**...

What's an Amish h**... do?

Ten Mennonite!

(Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.)

Amish joke, Amish h**...

Why should you always invite Amish people to a party?

They know how to raise the roof.

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, you might want to have your husband look at your reflector He notices a rope wrapped around the horse's b**...… and ma'am, some folks might find that rope offensive . The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither

Why did the Amish woman get pregnant?

Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.

I like sleeping with amish women

that way i don't have to call the next day

You can explore amish amish lifestyle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean amish amish traditions dad jokes. There are also amish puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Had to dump my Amish girlfriend....

she drove me buggy.

Amish jokes

Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady?
She had two Mennonite

I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter

Why don't Amish people water ski?

Because their horses would drown.

An Amish couple go to the city

So an Amish man and woman head to the big city for the first time. When they book they hotel the see that they are on the 8th floor.
A they head towards the elevator they see a hideous woman get in and go to the top floor. When the elevator comes back down a beautiful woman gets out.
When the man sees this he tells his wife "quick, get in the elevator!"

Why don't the Amish waterski?

The horses would drown.

Ba-dum TISH

Amish joke, Why don't the Amish waterski?

A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy

"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's t**.... That's just inhumane."

"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.

"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."

How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant?

Two men a nite.

There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish

I can't wait till they see it

How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball?

It's skirts versus shins.

Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday

All I saw was a swing and Amish

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition?

Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

How much business does an Amish p**... get?

Ten Mennonite

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

A mechanic.

Amish joke, What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

What do you call a group of Amish children?


(I'll see myself out)

What makes the sound 'Clip clop bang clip clop'?

An Amish drive-by

clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop

Amish drive-by shooting.

[AMA request]

A person living in an electricity-free Amish community.

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

Why are Jews and the Amish so similar?

Neither like cooking with gas.

How do you please an Amish woman?

Give her two Mennonite

What goes "clip clip BANG"

What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Did you hear about the s**... Amish girl?

She slept with two Mennonite.

Why couldn't the Amish go waterskiing?

Because the horses might drown.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

I slept with an Amish girl last night.

I don't think I'll call her.

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?

"Hmm, something's Amish here."

What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

How do you make an Amish woman happy?

3 Mennonite.

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

I have a f**... for Amish women.

Best part about it?

They don't expect you to call the next day!

An Amish family went to the city for the first time ever.

They went to a mall. The Amish man saw an old woman get into an elevator. He observed with curiosity as he had never seen anything like it before. Two minutes later, a young beautiful woman came out of the same elevator.
The Amish man turned to his son and said
"go get your mother!"

What goes clop-clop,bang-bang,clop-clop?

Amish drive-by.

Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"

SAW - "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"

FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

My parents said I don't have to come home until the street lights come on

but we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don't love me

Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.

One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.

The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"

"These potatoes remind me of my husband's t**...." replied the first woman.

"Oh, that big?" said the second woman.

"No, that dirty."

How many men does it take to satisfy an Amish woman?

Two Mennonite

How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her s**... escapades?

In Mennonite.

You hear about the Amish p**...?

She slept with 10 Mennonite

New research

Shows Amish people have lower rates of cyber bullying

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

What do you call a man with his hands up a horse's b**...?

An Amish Mechanic.

What goes clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang?

An Amish drive by.

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang clip clop clip clop

An Amish drive by shooting

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's t**...?

A mechanic.

What's an Amish girl's greatest fantasy?

Two or three Mennonite

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang?

An amish drive-by shooting

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

What's the best way to get an Amish girl pregnant?

Two mennonite..

Two Amish women...

Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Yoder are in the garden digging potatoes. Mrs Miller holds a large potato in each hand and says These remind me of my husband Kaleb's t**... .

Mrs Yoder says Oh goodness...they are that big???

Mrs. Miller says No..,they're that dirty.

An Amish joke for you...

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, silence....?

A drive-by shunning

What are Amish children called?


What goes, "Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klip klop, Klip klop, Bang, Bang, Bang, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop,"

An Amish drive by shooting.

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania

Q. What goes "Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, BANG!! ClipClopClipClopClipClopClipClop"

A. An Amish drive-by shooting

How does an Amish girl know....

... if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular dinner?

Today I was in a home with no internet.

Something was Amish

Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community?

Two Mennonite

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants to know.

"Never mind, son, but go get your mom here, quick!"

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

Amish girls have no way of knowing

if it's a romantic candle light dinner or just a regular dinner.

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."

Amish men can't motorboat their wives.

They can only row boat them.

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

When Amish kids go on a field trip…

do they just go to a different field?

What's an Amish person's favourite type of raisin?

Barn raisin'

Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watched in wonder as an old lady walked up to the doors, pressed a button, and stepped inside the now-open doors. The doors closed once again and a while later, a 20-year-old blonde strolled out of the doors.

The father told his son, "Go get your mother!"

Coolio died today. He was shocked when he got to the Pearly Gates and realized

It was indeed an Amish paradise.

What was the Amish woman's wildest fantasy?

Two Mennonite.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

What makes a clip clop clip clop peng peng clip clop noise?

An amish drive by shooting

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the amish mean amish puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working amish two amish piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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