Americans Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

Why can't americans play pool billard?

They always shoot the black ones first.

^^^^sorry...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.

They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me....

I live next door to a hot 10 year old girl.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

Americans won't get this

Free healthcare

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

Why don't native Americans like snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."

Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."

Asian: "fluck you americans too."

A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

Dress them up as dead lions

Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?

Because they always shoot the black ones first...

Why do Americans suck at DOTA2 ?

because they are bad at defending towers ✈️✈️ 🏢 🏢

One in 3 Americans

weighs as much as the other two combined

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers?

Because when they dance, they make it rain.

After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?

They lost their reservations.

Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...

But at least we invented the hamburger

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

I failed my biology test today.

The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

Because they cant defend the towers

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

Why do African Americans always have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

I don't see why so many Americans are anti-gay rights.

For a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.

So George Bush is in his office...

His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans?

Because he loves to study black holes.

How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's suicide. They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, Stupid Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!

What are the funniest americans jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Americans? Well, here are the best Americans puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Americans pick up lines to share with friends.

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