americans Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious americans puns

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer


Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.

^(i feel bad)


Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school


I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.


The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"


4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.


Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.


9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.


Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.


Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"


Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.


I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.


Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people


How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.


how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.


How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.


What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain


Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'?

Because fuck u that's why.


Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers


Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore


I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".


Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.


Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.


What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture


A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.


An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"


My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."


Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.


What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.


80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead


People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.


Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish


A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.


What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.


What are the most funny Americans jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Americans? Well, here are the best Americans dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Americans pick up lines to share with friends.

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