Laughable Americans Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
Why Americans don't use metric?
f**...
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion.
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?
Americans don't get them.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
The U.N. initiates a poll...
The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".
What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
Why are americans bad at DotA ?
Because they cant defend their towers.
You can explore americans patriotic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean americans voted dad jokes. There are also americans puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Why can't americans play pool billard?
They always shoot the black ones first.
^^^^sorry...
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...
Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
Why are Americans so bad at chess?
Because they don't have 2 towers.
What is the purpose of war?
"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.
Won't beheading there anymore
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...
95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
80% of Americans want net neutrality
The other 20% are dead
I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...
Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
What's the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.
Americans have a terrible sense of humour
I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?
Tell them to stay inside the car.
I have a joke about universal healthcare
but americans wont get it.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.
Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy
His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?
Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?
The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.
Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....
But I'm not sure the Americans will get it.
Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
Dear Americans
Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe!
Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
Americans: "This is not who we are."
ⓘ This claim is disputed
What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?
Opinions
How to make Americans take vaccines
Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
4 million of these people...
### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans
But that's just a Conservative estimate
Cant make jokes about vacation to americans
Cause they dont get it
A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
Why are Americans so s**...?
Because they shoot all the ones who go to school
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
You always claim Germans don't have humour,
but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.
The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."
Results:
Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".
Africans asked what "food" is.
Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".
Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.
And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the term "truthfully".
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me…
School I tell them.
Charles Schulz died as one of the richest Americans of the 20th century
despite the fact he got his start making Peanuts.
German humor is like healthcare
Many Americans simply don't get it
Americans are the best at solving Rubik's Cube
They have a long history of sorting and separating colours
President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
