Americans Jokes
126 americans jokes and hilarious americans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about americans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Americans Short Jokes
Short americans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The americans humour may include short patriotic jokes also.
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad) - What's the difference between North Korea and the US? North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.
- If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
- What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
- Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being russian is? Getting to vote in American elections.
- In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator". I guess we're just raised differently.
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Americans One Liners
Which americans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with americans? I can suggest the ones about american indian and american football.
- What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
- Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
- Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
- How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
- I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
- Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The air force, because its US AF.
- Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa
- Why do native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
- Americans: "This is not who we are." ⓘ This claim is disputed
- Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
- Cant make jokes about vacation to americans Cause they dont get it
- What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.
- Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore
- What do you call an American in the world cup final. Ref
- I have a joke about universal healthcare but americans wont get it.
Laughable Americans Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about americans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean american dream jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make americans pranks.
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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...
School is my answer
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Why do Americans fish with a gun?
So they get the whole school.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
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As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me…
School I tell them.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
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Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
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German humor is like healthcare
Many Americans simply don't get it
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Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
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You always claim Germans don't have humour,
but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.
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9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
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t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
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President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
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Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
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Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.
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how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
What is the purpose of war?
"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
Dear Americans
Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe!
How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland.
Here's a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.
The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: So, what part of Poland are you from? .
According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans
But that's just a Conservative estimate
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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?
Opinions
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Americans are the best at solving Rubik's Cube
They have a long history of sorting and separating colours
I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day!
…and make all the Americans panic.
(It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)
A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...
95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?
Americans don't get them.
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Why are Americans so s**...?
Because they shoot all the ones who go to school
80% of Americans want net neutrality
The other 20% are dead
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Why Americans don't use metric?
f**...
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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
The U.N. initiates a poll...
The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".
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Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.
Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy
His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?
Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?
The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.
Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?
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Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
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Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....
But I'm not sure the Americans will get it.
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
War is God's way of teaching
Americans geography.
What do you call five African-Americans born together?
Triplets.
A man walks into a gun shop.
He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
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How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
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After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.
They went black and now they are going back.
Why don't Americans eat snails?
Because they like fast-food.
(This one actually came from my dad if that gets extra points.)
Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?
They lost their reservations.
Why do Americans wear sleeveless t-shirts?
Because they have the right to bare arms
Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...
But at least we invented the hamburger
What city are most Americans from?
Obecity
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...
...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."
Why do African Americans always have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot
Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
April showers bring Mayflowers.
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Why do native Americans hate the snow?
...because it is white and settles all over their land.
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America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
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I don't see why so many Americans are anti-gay rights.
For a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
It's finally October, and you know what that means!
Americans might actually start wearing masks.
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An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris
And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.
"So, what are you doing in Paris?"
"I'm a scientist, I research s**..."
The man is now tempted:
"What have you discovered about s**... in your research?"
"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest p**... and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"
"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"
