Americans Jokes
126 americans jokes and hilarious americans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about americans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Americans Short Jokes
Short americans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The americans humour may include short patriotic jokes also.
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
- As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you... School is my answer
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad) - What's the difference between North Korea and the US? North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.
- I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
- If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
- What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
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Americans One Liners
Which americans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with americans? I can suggest the ones about american indian and american football.
- What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
- Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
- Why do Americans fish with a gun? So they get the whole school.
- How do you offend an American? Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
- German humor is like healthcare Many Americans simply don't get it
- Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ? They can't defend the tower
- Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
- Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
- Ever since Bader Ginsburg died… … The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.
- Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
- How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
- I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
- Mommy, what is a Canadian? It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
- Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The air force, because its US AF.
- Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa
Laughable Americans Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about americans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean american dream jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make americans pranks.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me…
School I tell them.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
You always claim Germans don't have humour,
but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...
Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
How to make Americans take vaccines
Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.
What is the purpose of war?
"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Americans: "This is not who we are."
ⓘ This claim is disputed
Cant make jokes about vacation to americans
Cause they dont get it
Dear Americans
Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe!
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland.
Here's a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.
The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: So, what part of Poland are you from? .
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.
Won't beheading there anymore
According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans
But that's just a Conservative estimate
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
I have a joke about universal healthcare
but americans wont get it.
What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?
Opinions
Why are Americans so bad at chess?
Because they don't have 2 towers.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
Americans are the best at solving Rubik's Cube
They have a long history of sorting and separating colours
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'
I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day!
…and make all the Americans panic.
(It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)
A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...
95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?
Americans don't get them.
Why are Americans so s**...?
Because they shoot all the ones who go to school
80% of Americans want net neutrality
The other 20% are dead
Why Americans don't use metric?
f**...
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
Americans have a terrible sense of humour
I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.
What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
The U.N. initiates a poll...
The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
Why are americans bad at DotA ?
Because they cant defend their towers.
Why can't americans play pool billard?
They always shoot the black ones first.
^^^^sorry...
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.
Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy
His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?
Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?
The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.
Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?
An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange
Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.
He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"
The teller say "fluctuations"
The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Americans too!"
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
4 million of these people...
### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....
But I'm not sure the Americans will get it.
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
War is God's way of teaching
Americans geography.
What do you call five African-Americans born together?
Triplets.
Why don't native Americans like snow?
Because it's white and all over their land.
