Americans Jokes

Following is our collection of patriotic humor and afghans one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Americans puns for adults, dirty voted jokes or clean men gags for kids.

There is an abundance of italian frenchman and american jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on americans. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any american tourist witze you can hear about americans.

The Best jokes about Americans

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

What's the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.


Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.


9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.


how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

Why can't americans play pool billard?

They always shoot the black ones first.

^^^^sorry...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.

They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me....

I live next door to a hot 10 year old girl.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

Americans won't get this

Free healthcare

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

Why don't native Americans like snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."

Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."

Asian: "fluck you americans too."

A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

Dress them up as dead lions

Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?

Because they always shoot the black ones first...

One in 3 Americans

weighs as much as the other two combined

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers?

Because when they dance, they make it rain.

After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?

They lost their reservations.

Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...

But at least we invented the hamburger

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

I failed my biology test today.

The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

Why do African Americans always have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?

...because it is white and settles all over their land.

I don't see why so many Americans are anti-gay rights.

For a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes