American Tourist Jokes

Following is our collection of americano humor and brit one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include American Tourist puns for adults, dirty americas jokes or clean englishman gags for kids.

There is an abundance of canadian jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 27 funniest jokes on american tourist. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any peein witze you can hear about american tourist.

The Best jokes about American Tourist

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"

"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.

"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.


An American tourist is at the beach....

in the French Riviera. He is wearing his usual surfer trunks with the drawstring front. He immediately notices that all of the beautiful women are making faces of disgust at him.

As he passes a beach wear store, the clerk motions for him to come inside. The clerk tells him that his trunks are a no-no for the French Riviera, and suggests a black speedo. He puts it on, and the clerk takes one look and tells him to buy a potato and put it down the suit to impress the ladies.

The tourist comes back shortly and tells the clerk that the women not only look at him in disgust, but one actually threw up as he walked by her. The clerk tells him "the potato is supposed to go down the front of the suit!"

Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.

There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"

The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"

"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

Joke about how dangerous China is

An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"

The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"

An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

An American tourist goes to the beach on the French Riviera......

and he gets flagged down by the beachside bathing suit store owner. Monsieur, you cannot wear cutoff jeans to the beach here, and talks him into buying a speedo type, telling him: "the women will drool over you when you're wearing it." He puts it on and leaves for the beach. The tourist comes back an hour later saying that the women still ignore him and give him disapproving looks as he walks by. The store owner looks down at his crotch and then hands him a potato and says "Monsieur, put this down your suit and the women will be unable to resist you for sure". The tourist comes back after 15 minutes, and says that now the women were throwing things at him and one even threw up when he walked past her.
The store owner says: Monsieur, the potato goes in the front of the suit!"

Haunted castle

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.

"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."

"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" the tourist asked.

"Oh, about 300 years."


What's the difference between an American tourist in Mexico and a spanking?

A spanking rattles the buns, and an American tourist in Mexico battles the runs

A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple machines, and his vitals aren't good. Fearing for his chances, he waves someone over and asks for an honest answer.

"Nurse, did I just come here to die?"

"Nah, you came here yesterday."

An American Tourist in London

An American man is on holiday in London and decides to get a cab from the airport to his hotel. On the way he passes Tower Bridge and says to the driver "Hey man, what's that?" The cab driver replies "That's Tower Bridge", and the American replies "In America we could build that in two weeks!"

Next they pass Buckingham Palace and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "That's Buckingham Palace", the American replies "In America we could build that in one week!"

Next they pass The Houses of Parliament and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "I dunno mate, it wasn't there this morning".

Two american tourists are having lunch at a McDonald's in Leicester square

They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.

"Excuse me ma'am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we're not from around here."

The cashier nods and says "Mic...don...alds"

An American couple are on holiday traveling through Wales

On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town's name.

They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? The Cashier nods.

Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?

The cashier leans over the counter and says, Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

Finnish reindeer

An American tourist arrived at a reindeer farm in Finnish Lapland. He asked the farm owner "I've heard that the reindeer and human vaginas are identical. Is this true?" The farm owner looked at the tourist for a while and answered: "You have to ask my neighbor. He is the only man in the village who has had sex with a woman."

Gross!

A German farmer is standing in his field peeing. And American tourist sees him and says "gross!" And the farmer says "danke."


pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok yank, pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

An American tourist in Germany...

While in Germany, an American tourist saw a man peeing in a fountain.
"GROSS!" She said.
"Danke!" He said.

After shopping for the first time overseas in a middle eastern market, the American tourist was quoted saying

"How bazaar"

Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe?

They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.

An american tourist was robbed in China, he went to police station to report robbery, the officer asked can you identify the robber

He said ''i can't tell for sure but he's someone in this room''.

Two german tourists walk into an american bar

One of them says:
"-We would like a martini please!"
The bartender responds:
"-Dry?"
"-Nein, zwei"

American policemen beaten Chinese tourist after asking him for his name...

"I lost faith in humanity", said Fak Yu from the hospital.

How can you tell American tourists and Canadian tourists apart?

Canadian tourists have a small Canadian flag on their backpacks, but Americans have a big Canadian flag on theirs.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes