American Jokes

174 american jokes and hilarious american puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about american that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover hilarious American jokes about American Football, American Indians, the American Revolution, American History, the American flag, American Psycho, Englishmen, British and the DMZ. Laugh out loud at these jokes that everyone can enjoy.

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Funniest American Short Jokes

Short american jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The american humour may include short american indian jokes also.

  1. North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
  2. The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
  3. Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
  4. As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you... School is my answer
  5. Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
    ^(i feel bad)
  6. What's the difference between North Korea and the US? North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.
  7. I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
  8. If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
  9. What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
  10. My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away

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American One Liners

Which american one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with american? I can suggest the ones about american history and american flag.

  1. What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
  2. Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
  3. Why do Americans fish with a gun? So they get the whole school.
  4. How do you offend an American? Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
  5. German humor is like healthcare Many Americans simply don't get it
  6. Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ? They can't defend the tower
  7. Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
  8. Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
  9. Ever since Bader Ginsburg died… … The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.
  10. Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
  11. How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
  12. I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
  13. Mommy, what is a Canadian? It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
  14. Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The air force, because its US AF.
  15. Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa

Native American Jokes

Here is a list of funny native american jokes and even better native american puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word? It means Lousy Hunter
    I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
  • Why do native Americans hate April? Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
  • A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"
  • Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  • Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
  • I was viewing a house being sold by a native american i asked him if it came with running water,
    He said 'no, get your own wife'
  • A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500.
  • I once went to a Native American restaurant but was turned away. They told me it was reservation only.
  • Why don't native Americans like snow? Because it's white and all over their land.
  • Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.

American People Jokes

Here is a list of funny american people jokes and even better american people puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  • Why will the American people never convert to the metric system? Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
  • So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
  • A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting… Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
  • American conservatives are pretty homophobic for people so proud of their four fathers
  • Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
  • I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
  • Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants. Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
  • Americans are getting stronger Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.
  • How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person? Make a joke about brack people.
American joke, How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

African American Jokes

Here is a list of funny african american jokes and even better african american puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.
  • An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart? By their last names.
  • What do you call five African-Americans born together? Triplets.
  • I failed my biology test today. The question was: "What is commonly found in cells?"
    Apparently, "African Americans" wasn't the correct answer.
  • Why do African Americans always have nightmares? Because the last one to have a dream got shot
  • Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans? Because he loves to study black holes.
  • Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.
  • The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American. Black laughs matter.
  • What do you call an African American with asthma? The Black Panter
  • What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.

Mexican American Jokes

Here is a list of funny mexican american jokes and even better mexican american puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I always thought Americans should say "B". Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
  • How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a Mexican's job.
  • If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"... Why don't Americans say "B"?
  • A blessing It is a blessing to hear "Jesus loves you." In an American prison, but in a Mexican prison... Oh boy.
  • How many americans does it take to replace a light bulb? One Mexican.
  • Once an American asked a Mexican.. "What separates dogs and Mexicans?"
    The Mexican said, "A border".
  • What you call a house with a Mexican and American ghost? A Juan-Ted house
  • I love dieting. I'm actually on 4 diets. Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
  • To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday
  • How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb One American to hire a Mexican to change the bulb and other 323.99 million to complain about outsiders stealing their jobs

American Football Jokes

Here is a list of funny american football jokes and even better american football puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
  • As a Brit, I can't get into American football They rugby the wrong way
  • My friend spends 75% of his time playing American Football and the other 25% playing Baroque music. He's a quarterbach.
  • Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football? That's because it's a contact sport.
  • Democracy and Football What does democracy and football have in common?
    \- adding the word American completely changes the meaning...
  • Who is Ghlislane Maxwells favorite American Football player? Chase Young
  • Why don't Polish people like playing American football? They can't defend against a blitz.
  • TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor
  • What is the object of American football played by really cheap people? Get the quarter back.
  • How much is your height Indian:- My height is 167cms
    European :- My height is 182.5 cms
    American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field
American joke, How much is your height

Hilarious American Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about american you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean american football jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make american pranks.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me…

School I tell them.

I think the most patriotic part of the entire Super Bowl was Rihanna's halftime performance

Because there's nothing more American than for a woman to work while she's pregnant.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"
Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?
**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

9 out of 10 Americans are s**......

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

I love politically incorrect jokes, and here is my favourite.

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too unamerican..

..but honestly I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"

What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get s**... BEFORE they have s**....

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

t**... holding dad at gunpoint-

t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?

American girls get s**... BEFORE s**....

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?
The American: 100, of course
The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?
The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.
The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?
The American: Go back to Europe!

(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?

A computer has troubleshooting.

it can abort.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?


American joke, If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is c

jokes about american