american Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious american puns

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

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What's the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

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Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

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A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

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The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

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9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

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Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

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So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

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TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

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In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

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An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser

Barman: Oh, you must be American.

American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?

Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

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What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

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The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

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A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

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What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

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TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

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Why Doesn't American English Use a "U" in Words Like Color and Flavor (Colour and Flavour)?

Because fuck U, that's why.

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.



"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.



The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

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The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

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What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.

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Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

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A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

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Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

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How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

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Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

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how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

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..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

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An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart?

By their last names.

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How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

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What are the most funny American jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about American? Well, here are the best American dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and American pick up lines to share with friends.

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