The Best 74 American Jokes
Following is our collection of funny American jokes. There are some american cuban jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these american homeland puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest American Jokes and Puns
An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?
**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?
What's the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?
He didn't have a reservation.
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.
TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.
Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.
What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)
American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
You can explore american dmz reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean american frenchman dad jokes. There are also american puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
On average, an American man will have sex
two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart?
By their last names.
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.
Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shootingβ¦
Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
When the US went to the moon....
...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?
American.
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?
American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank
Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
The German dream
The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation
Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.
Thoughts and prayers.
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.
Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
Cannot wait to become a proud American!
I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.
Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?
It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?
American
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.
Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
Americans: "This is not who we are."
β This claim is disputed
What do you call an American revolutionist who listens to Beethoven while having sex with his wife?
Lewd Whig.
Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.
To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".
The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".
Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France".
The other two asks how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Eiffel Tower".
Then the Indian puts his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached India".
The other two asks how and he replied, "Well someone stole my watch".
My American Clock
A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.
What is that for? he asks.
His host says That is my talking American clock.
Really?...How does it work?
I will show you.
The host takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!
I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.
Something about five customers being better than one.
A british person plays chess with an american,
The british person always wins. Why?
Their queen never dies.
3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.
They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.
So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.
Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.
Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.
An American goes to Australia
And is attending a talk by Bush rangers while taking a wild tour about how it is very dangerous and you should always be on your watch. After the bit about how kangaroos are dangerous, he asks "Is there anywhere in Australia where something or someone isn't trying to kill you?"
"School"
To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo
To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the american italian frenchman and american jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working american american tourist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.