Hilarious American Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?
**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?
What's the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)
American teenage girls get s**... BEFORE they have s**....
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
You can explore american dmz reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean american frenchman dad jokes. There are also american puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart?
By their last names.
A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…
Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE s**....
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation
Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.
Thoughts and prayers.
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.
Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
Cannot wait to become a proud American!
I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.
Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?
It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?
American
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.
Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.
The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"
Why should you always post jokes in American English?
They can reach a wider audience.
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten.
One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.
Why does Djokovic pay with American Express
Because he has no visa
a joke we tell in Ukraine
A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"
I love politically incorrect jokes, and here is my favourite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by their government and the media.
But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
How do you offend an American?
Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?
Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?
A computer has troubleshooting.
Also,
it can abort.
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died…
… The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
100 is a nice round number
The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?
The American: 100, of course
The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?
The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.
The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?
The American: Go back to Europe!
You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American
His superpower is healthcare
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives
The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"
Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"
Americans are the best at solving Rubik's Cube
They have a long history of sorting and separating colours
An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?
A Hamburger.
Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released
So, that means two American Idiots came out that day
Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.
Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.
Mommy, what is a Canadian?
It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
I just found out it's considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it's how American GIs ate their food.
It's a pho pas.
An American gets sentenced to jail in an european prison
The US government had to put in a lot of diplomatic negotiation to get him back into the states.
They mostly had to convince him.
I think the most patriotic part of the entire Super Bowl was Rihanna's halftime performance
Because there's nothing more American than for a woman to work while she's pregnant.
