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American Express Jokes

19 american express jokes and hilarious american express puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about american express that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest American Express Short Jokes

Short american express jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The american express humour may include short bank of america jokes also.

  1. It only takes 3 inches to please a woman. And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
  2. 3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy. MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...
  3. What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims? "You the bomb!"
    "No, you the bomb!"
  4. There Are A Few Ways of Expressing Laughter in Type. American: hahahaha
    Brazillian portuguese: huehuehuehue
    Japanese: wwwww
    Korean: kekekeke
    Mexicans & Spanish: jajajajaja
    Thai: 555555
  5. My wife lost my American Express.... I haven't reported it stolen, the thief spends less than my wife does each month.
  6. If Hogwarts Express were to operate in the United States Wouldn't that be American Express?
  7. I lost my v-card last night, it was pretty awkward. The h**... wouldn't take American Express.

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American Express One Liners

Which american express one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with american express? I can suggest the ones about american airlines and express.

  1. Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa
  2. TIFU by disappointing a girl with my 3.2 incher. She didn't take American Express.
  3. What kind of credit card does Santa Claus use? ~~American~~ Polar Express

American Express Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about american express you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean credit card jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make american express pranks.

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!

There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'

After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a h**... come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in s**..., the h**... kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the h**... was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
The next day, he and three of the managers were playing golf. In the middle of the round, one of the Japanese men shot a hole in one. The American shouted, "Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turned and said, "Wrong hole? What you mean 'wrong hole'?"

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.


After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

End of the world

Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: " My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and enjoy while you can". Vladimir Poutine: "Mother Russia will be devastated in 2 weeks, and there will be nowhere else to live so i decided that you are now all free to speak and express yourself, enjoy it ". Then in Israël, Bibi starts: "We have 15 days to figure out how we're gonna live under water..."

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.


Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"