The Best 35 American English Jokes

Following is our collection of funny American English jokes. There are some american english jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these american english puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest American English Jokes and Puns

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u


Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"

The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"

The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.

The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"

The American man says, "I am sorry too."

The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."

The American says "What are you sorry for?"

The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American

were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'

'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could seduce a woman so easily?'

'I think they were Russian,' says the American.

'After all, who else could walk around stark naked, feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'

How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?

You can explore american english reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean american english dad jokes. There are also american english puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government is doing nothing to stop them. Not to mention that they are dirty and they smell bad! They don't even speak English!!!" the guy rants to the bartender. "I hate babies."

English is not first language want to try joke from my country

Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don't love no hose.

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **LIMEY BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY STRIP CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

An observation by Adam Hills

"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stated:

"Dumbass" - the person who looks up for the word "dumbass" in a dictionary.

Our joy was limitless.



Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." β€”Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988


An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in the car.

"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Britain: American English is stupid, you can't even spell colour right.

America: No u.

What does a fat american and a rich english have in common?

Lots of pounds.

I've just invented a new drink.

It's has Irish whiskey, German schnapps, French cognac, English beer, and American bourbon.

I call it the Titonic.

While it sounds strange, add ice and it goes down quickly.

One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars.

My English teacher had a sore back today.

When someone asked him why, he said, "Well, i was trimming hedges, and I finished the first one, and i felt a little pinch in my back, but i just ignored it. But after the second one, my back just gave out on me."

To which i replied: "So, like the american economy- Fine after the first bush, collapsed after the second."

A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.

When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.

The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"

The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

An English guys digs the ground 100 feet...

and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.

An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.

The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.

The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.

The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.

Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?

B: Trilingual?

A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

B: Bilingual.

A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?

B: Umm, unilingual?

A: No! American!

Where is the lift?

American: You mean the elevator?
English: Yes, we call it a lift.
American: It's called an elevator. We invented it.
English: And we invented the language.

Jumping on the bandwagon: I wanna see if this Spanish joke is as funny to English speakers.

Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

A. Bilingual

Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

A. Trilingual

Q. What do you call someone who speaks many languages?

A. Polyglot

Q. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

A. American

An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'

Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'

The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'

'A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A'.

Have you heard about the tragedy of Canada?

The tragedy of Canada is that we could have had English culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead we have American culture, English cuisine, and French technology.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the american english jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working american english piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes