American English Jokes

72 american english jokes and hilarious american english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about american english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest American English Short Jokes

Short american english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The american english humour may include short british english jokes also.

  1. Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
    American English: no u
  2. Donald Trump has done so much good for American education. Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
  3. How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?
  4. English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
    Because he don't love no hose.
  5. Why is English considered the easiest language to learn? Because even the Americans are decent at it!
  6. Chess joke
    How come the english never lose at chess?
    Because >!the queen never dies!<

    Why are americans bad at chess?
    Because >!they lost two towers!<
  7. One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. American: Hello, do you understand English?
    Girl: only little.
    American: How much?
    Girl: Fifty dollars.
  8. Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views... ...toddlers are the worst.
  9. Where is the lift? American: You mean the elevator?
    English: Yes, we call it a lift.
    American: It's called an elevator. We invented it.
    English: And we invented the language.
  10. American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man. - Do you speak English? - they asked.
    He answered:
    - Yes, I do. But what's the point?

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American English One Liners

Which american english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with american english? I can suggest the ones about english people and english new.

  1. Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
  2. What does a fat american and a rich english have in common? Lots of pounds.
  3. How do you define someone who only speaks English? American.
  4. Britain: American English is s**..., you can't even spell colour right. America: No u.

Ridiculous American English Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about american english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english speaking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make american english pranks.

A Lesson in English

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"
The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American

were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russian,' says the American.
'After all, who else could walk around stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.

"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.

"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:

An American soldier, English soldier, and Chinese soldier and standing together on top of their respective submarines...

The English soldier says, "The English have phenomenal subs. We can stay under for a week without coming up!"
The Chinese soldier quickly replies, "A week! Our subs can stay under for a month, easy."
The American lets out a chuckle and says, "With our nuclear power subs, we can remain underwater for over three months!"
All of a sudden, a U-boat rises from the water and a man comes out. He asks, "Did we win the war?"

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."
So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".
The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

An American goes to Japan.... close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

An observation by Adam Hills

"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"

USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:
So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.
Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.
When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"
The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"
The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"
"No black man speaks Russian!"

na today be today

*An American, an English man, and a Nigerian were on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be your s**...! The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said, Na today be today, go find am! .

An English man asked an American how he liked his tea

The American replied, "in the harbor."

A gentleman boasted that his parrot would repeat anything he told him.

A gentleman was boasting that his parrot would repeat anything he told him. For example, he told him several times, before some friends, to say Uncle, but the parrot would not repeat it. In anger he seized the bird, and half-twisting his neck, said: Say 'uncle,' you beggar! and threw him into the fowl pen, in which he had ten prize fowls. Shortly afterward, thinking he had killed the parrot, he went to the pen. To his surprise he found nine of the fowls dead on the floor with their necks wrung, and the parrot standing on the tenth twisting his neck and screaming: Say 'uncle,' you beggar! say uncle.'
This English joke was printed in the Iowa Citizen on October 9th, 1891. It is believed to be the origin of the American idiom of "crying Uncle."

Have you heard about the tragedy of Canada?

The tragedy of Canada is that we could have had English culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead we have American culture, English cuisine, and French technology.

Chinese vacationers

A Chinese family arrives in Los Angeles to begin their American vacation. They approach the currency exchange window to exchange 10,000 Chinese yuan. The agent gives them $1,600 and they go on their way. They enjoy their vacation but realize their American funds are depleting quickly. They return to the currency exchange a week later to exchange another 10,000 Yuan. This time the exchange agent hands over $1,400. The Chinese man asks in broken yet effective English why the exchanged amount is $200 less. The agent shrugs his shoulders and politely replies "Fluctuations". The Chinese man suddenly becomes enraged and replies "Fluck you Americans!"

American, English and Russian governments...

American, English and Russian governments passed laws about mandatory r**... of every citizen on Saturdays.
Americans made a revolution, Brits reelected their parliament and Russians began queing on Fridays evening not to waste the whole weekend.

A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.

When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

An English guys digs the ground 100 feet...

and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.

What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!

It's Thanksgiving today. Long story short it's where Americans give thanks to the English for inventing them. You're welcome.

Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony?

When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.

My English teacher had a sore back today.

When someone asked him why, he said, "Well, i was trimming hedges, and I finished the first one, and i felt a little pinch in my back, but i just ignored it. But after the second one, my back just gave out on me."
To which i replied: "So, like the american economy- Fine after the first bush, collapsed after the second."

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…

He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"

Three couples are eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant

They're early birds, and the only ones there. It's an American, an English and a Norwegian couple. The American says to his wife
"Can you send me the sugar, sugar?"
The Englishman overhears him, and, thinking he can't be any worse than an American, asks his wife
"Will you pass me the honey, honey?"
The Norwegian guy hears both of them and thinks for himself that he really has something to learn from these guys. So he turns to his wife and says
"Get me the milk, you cow!"

I want to take the opportunity to thank France for supporting American independence

If it wasn't for the French, America would be speaking English right now

I hate when American n**... say "Sieg Heil"

Like seriously learn English, and stop this multicultural behavior.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"

And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

Did you hear about the k**... whelk?

It pulled a mussel.
This doesn't work in American English.
In British slang, if you chat someone up and they like you, you have *pulled*.
Sorry I failed!

An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.
The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.
The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.
The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.
Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?

I've just invented a new drink.

It's has Irish whiskey, German schnapps, French cognac, English beer, and American bourbon.
I call it the Titonic.
While it sounds strange, add ice and it goes down quickly.

If I had a dime for every time I got annoyed at American-english....

I wouldn't know how much I had. Why can't you americans just use numbers.

A japanese guy gets off the plane to New York

He needs American money so he goes to the bank but doesnt know much english. He goes to the teller and says "me, change" and hands over 10,000. The bank teller understands and takes it and hands over $100
The next day, he does the same thing and gives 10,000 yen to the teller but only gets $90 in return.
He says "last day i got $100, not $90 you made mistake"
The teller replies "flucuations"
The japanese guy is furious and a has a look of digust. He replies "well, f*** you white guy" and storms off.
*dont know if its repeated here but i remember my dad telling me somewhere a decade ago*

An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?"
"Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed."
"Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fluctu-Americans, too!"

An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'

Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'
The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'

An English man, American, Chinese man, and a Jewish man are on a plane...

Out of nowhere the American punches the Chinese man. the British man asks, "what was that for?"
"Pearl Harbour!" exclaims the American. "That was the Japanese?" says the British man.
"Chinese, Japanese, They're all the same!"

Suddenly the British man punches the Jewish man. The American asks, "what was that for?"
"Titanic!" exclaims the British man. "That was an Iceberg?" says the American.
"Icebergs, Goldbergs, They're all the same!"

Who is a "d**..."

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

I find it amusing Americans call it soccer and the English call it football

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it shooting range and the Americans call it school

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
B: Trilingual?
A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
B: Bilingual.
A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?
B: Umm, unilingual?
A: No! American!

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

Jumping on the bandwagon: I wanna see if this Spanish joke is as funny to English speakers.

Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A. Bilingual
Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A. Trilingual
Q. What do you call someone who speaks many languages?
A. Polyglot
Q. What do you call someone who speaks one language?
A. American

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."
A Soviet general, upon hearing this, glared at his American counterpart, pulled out his notepad, and started scribbling furiously. Before the next general could speak, he slapped the table, pointed at the American, and shouted, "You liar! No soldier could possibly eat 7 kilograms of potatoes a day!"
I heard this joke while studying Russian in Georgia. Hopefully it translates to English ok :)

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.
"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.
He walks up to the farmer and asks,
"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.
The man walks back to the car and gets in.
"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

h**..., on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government is doing nothing to stop them. Not to mention that they are dirty and they smell bad! They don't even speak English!!!" the guy rants to the bartender. "I hate babies."

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.

I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night

I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me I don't know what that American Dream is, but I know the European Dream is no America.

jokes about american english