America Jokes

What are some America jokes?

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us Β£50M by Sunday morning....

We'll return him back to you.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

In America, dogs are k-9s

But in China, dogs are e-10

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.



"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.



The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(β€’_β€’)

( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– )

In *da* pendent

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.

What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.

"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

How to make America jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about America to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about America? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny America pick up lines to share with friends.

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