Did you ever wanted to prank someone about America? Well here is a complete list of the top america jokes:
We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
ππΌWhen every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
ππΌBecause Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.
ππΌOne day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
An Edison.
But every American knows that America is the best country in the world
ππΌIt didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
America.
ππΌFoot fetish
ππΌWent to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"
-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.
has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. β¦β¦Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. β¦.Are you whales from Ireland?
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
ππΌBecause freedom rings.
'Murica
He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
ππΌI'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"
So I went up to him and asked, "What's that you're saying?" He replied, "Help! My fucking blanket's on fire!"
ππΌFor a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.
ππΌHis adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"
She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
ππΌNone, that's a Mexican's job.
ππΌHave you ever noticed that when you say, "I hope you're hungry" in a place like America it's nice.
But if you say that in Africa it is a cruel joke.
They had reservations.
ππΌFor years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA.
ππΌAn American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already
ππΌThey lack the element of supplies
ππΌ"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"
One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
ππΌGrowing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."
ππΌApparently they're having such a hard time filling office space in the new Freedom Tower, they've opened it up to big chain department stores...
Just what America needs β another Target.
They're both fucking close to water.
ππΌI looked at him and said, "Well Tommy, you see, all the ones that can run, jump, or swim, are already in America."
ππΌwhere many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.
ππΌBecause anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
ππΌThree Chinese brothers tried to migrate into America. The first brother was name Bu, the second was name Chu and the third was called Fu. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu got sent back to China.
ππΌThe first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.
The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.
The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.
Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"
It's an attention-seeking missile.
ππΌI boxed in over 100 matches and always came 2nd
ππΌThe Irishman pulls out his money to pay and the American notices that the bills are all different colours.
"Who the fuck makes your money, Monopoly?" he asks sarcastically.
The Irishman looks over and responds "Who the fuck makes your beer, Kool Aid?"
One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.
ππΌOne day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"
ππΌBut they burn fags in Britain all the time.
ππΌBoth are fucking close to water.
ππΌThe Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"
The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"
When he was diddling her, she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" The guy figured this was a term for something great.
The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese client and colleagues, and he got a hole-in-one. He wanted to impress his Japanese friends, so he yelled out, "Fujifoo!!!"
The Japanese speaking folks looked confused, and one of them finally said, "No, you got the right hole."
I'm just kidding, I live in America.
ππΌYou've red some of the best america jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about america. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty america gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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