America Jokes
188 america jokes and hilarious america puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about america that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Let the laughter roll with this collection of America jokes! We have jokes about oil, guns, the caucus, Americanization, and America vs. Canada, India, and more. Read on to crack up with these classic funny bits.
Quick Jump To
Funniest America Short Jokes
Short america jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The america humour may include short liberty jokes also.
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
- America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
- I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
- What's the difference between Thailand and America? Thailand reunites boys with their families.
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends. Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
- What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
- I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
- What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.
- Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance? Neither because they live in America.
Share These America Jokes With Friends
America One Liners
Which america one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with america? I can suggest the ones about immigrants and miss america.
- Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.
- Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives? America
- In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10
- Americas curve is flattening alright. Just vertically instead of horizontally.
- What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare
- Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain vietnam
- In Russia you watch tv In America tv watches you.
- What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
- 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%
- In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
- What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
- America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
- Why is America bad at League of Legends? Because we can't defend tower
- Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America
- Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents
Only In America Jokes
Here is a list of funny only in america jokes and even better only in america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
- TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined. Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
- Dear God, If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America. - My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."
- What's the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump? Benedict Arnold once fought for America.
- My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner. - I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
- Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe and 1954 in america
- America has been having a lot of bad luck lately It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
- Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
Make America Jokes
Here is a list of funny make america jokes and even better make america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you see that Sargento is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
- With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
- Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country They want to Make America Grate Again.
- It's Trump's own fault that he lost... He spent 4 years saying, "Make America Great Again", so this week 74 million people finally did.
- You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
- If the U.S. ran out of shredded cheese... we would have to "make America grate again"
- Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
- I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks. Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.
- Apparently Trump wants to outlaw pre-shredded cheese... ...he keeps going on and on about how he wants to make America grate again...
- Trump did make one thing about America great again! The depression.
Coming To America Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming to america jokes and even better coming to america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- an old joke that comes from the 18th centuary The united states of America
- I really don't think Googles Pixel 2XL will sell that well in America however look out when the 4XL comes out as that will be a much better fit for the general public.
- Hey baby, are you the nuclear war between America and Russia? Because neither of us want to come first, but both want to fire
- America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.
- Some say happiness in America is at an all time low, but I'm an optimistic... ... I think the worst is yet to come.
- What comes after America? Bmerica.
I'll see myself out - The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.
Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden. - America has come out of labor It's a boy.
- What are Asians males when they come to America 4 in.
- Guns N Rose's are coming out with a new album Their calling it "Make America Wait Again"
Captain America Jokes
Here is a list of funny captain america jokes and even better captain america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.
- Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
- In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast . It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
- captain mexico Always trying to take captain america's job.
- Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.
- After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle. He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.
- How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry? One buck
- What does Captain America and Spain have in common? A horrific Civil War
- Did you hear Ant Man will be in Captain America 3? I hear it will be a small role
- Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings? Language!
America Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny america oil jokes and even better america oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was Captain America beating up Iron man? Because he had oil
Cheeky America Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about america you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean america gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make america pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Americans don't use metric?
f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican
We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American visiting the U.K .......
has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....
And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
America is converting to metric units...
inch by inch.
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between America and Europe?
In America, we call our i**... h**....
In Europe, they call them royals.
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect
Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.
Well, looks like he died 17 days after.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
In America, it's called Alt Right
In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
In *da* pendent
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"
Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As the k**... are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...
Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.
What a sad state of affairs.
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs
In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs
80% of Americans want net neutrality
The other 20% are dead
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
The American dream:
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...
If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says I will destroy America...
Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....
We'll return him back to you.
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
If aliens really landed in America
"Take me to your leader"
"... you sure?"
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...
... unless they're flashing behind you.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
