The Best 71 America Jokes
Following is our collection of funny America jokes. There are some america liberty jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these america president puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest America Jokes and Puns
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican
We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?
Because Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
What's the oldest red wine in America?
"Give us back our land!"
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....
And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great whites.
You can explore america americanize reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean america immigrants dad jokes. There are also america puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.
What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner.
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
You the bomb.
No, you the bomb.
A compliment in America.
An argument in the Middle East.
What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 45th President of the United States of America.
America sure is having some bad luck
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world
Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.
Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"
I said, "America."
In Russia you watch tv
In America tv watches you.
In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...
in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
What's the difference between America and cheese?
If left for a while, cheese develops culture.
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...
(β’_β’)
( β’_β’)>ββ -β
(ββ _β )
In *da* pendent
As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...
Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
Dear God,
If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America.
In America, dogs are k-9s
But in China, dogs are e-10
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
America is going through such bad luck at the moment
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β
The clerk said, Kiss my ass⦠get out⦠and stay out!
Β
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β Do you have it in paperback?
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
What's the difference between Thailand and America?
Thailand reunites boys with their families.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us Β£50M by Sunday morning....
We'll return him back to you.
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
Americas curve is flattening alright.
Just vertically instead of horizontally.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?
America
If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?
The United States of America.
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .
Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
Trumpty Dumpty
Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the golf courses and all the white men
Couldn't Make America Great Again
America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam
It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
I want my 11780 dollars.
Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
Americans: "This is not who we are."
β This claim is disputed
Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.
To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".
The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".
Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France".
The other two asks how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Eiffel Tower".
Then the Indian puts his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached India".
The other two asks how and he replied, "Well someone stole my watch".
My American Clock
A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.
What is that for? he asks.
His host says That is my talking American clock.
Really?...How does it work?
I will show you.
The host takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!
Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings?
Language!
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just schizo.)
An American goes to Australia
And is attending a talk by Bush rangers while taking a wild tour about how it is very dangerous and you should always be on your watch. After the bit about how kangaroos are dangerous, he asks "Is there anywhere in Australia where something or someone isn't trying to kill you?"
"School"
Mother and son
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad.
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That's means you like dad more
Liam: No, its because i like paris
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go.
Liam: I will go to America.
Mother: Why
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo
To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the america only in america jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working america bank of america piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.