america Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious america stories

What are the best america puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about America? Well here is a complete list of the top america jokes:

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

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Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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An American visiting the U.K .......

has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?

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American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

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A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

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A Russian family moves to America...

...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."

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Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

'Murica

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An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

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Stupidest country in the World

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

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A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

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I saw an American Indian making smoke signals

So I went up to him and asked, "What's that you're saying?" He replied, "Help! My fucking blanket's on fire!"

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I don't see why so many Americans are anti-gay rights.

For a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.

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So George Bush is in his office...

His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

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How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant?

She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.

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How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a Mexican's job.

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A context joke

Have you ever noticed that when you say, "I hope you're hungry" in a place like America it's nice.
But if you say that in Africa it is a cruel joke.

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How can you tell the Indians were here in America first?

They had reservations.

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Can't please Americans

For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA.

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Joke about how dangerous China is

An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"

The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"

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Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?

Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already

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Why is North Korea going fail against America?

They lack the element of supplies

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An observation by Adam Hills

"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"

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What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

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My Indian engineering teacher told us this today

Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

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Freedom Tower

Apparently they're having such a hard time filling office space in the new Freedom Tower, they've opened it up to big chain department stores...

Just what America needs β€” another Target.

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How is American Beer similar to making love in a canoe?

They're both fucking close to water.

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A Friend Of Mine Asked Why The Mexican's Never Do Great In The Olympics

I looked at him and said, "Well Tommy, you see, all the ones that can run, jump, or swim, are already in America."

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America, a land ...

where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.

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Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?

Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.

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Chinese Immigrants

Three Chinese brothers tried to migrate into America. The first brother was name Bu, the second was name Chu and the third was called Fu. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu got sent back to China.

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Four American Indians are arguing over who has the longest penis

The first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.

The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.

The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.

Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"

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The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

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I used to be the 2nd best boxer in North America...

I boxed in over 100 matches and always came 2nd

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An American and an Irishman order a beer at a bar.

The Irishman pulls out his money to pay and the American notices that the bills are all different colours.
"Who the fuck makes your money, Monopoly?" he asks sarcastically.
The Irishman looks over and responds "Who the fuck makes your beer, Kool Aid?"

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What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom?

One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.

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Russian Condoms

One day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"

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People always talk about homophobia in America...

But they burn fags in Britain all the time.

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What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common?

Both are fucking close to water.

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An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"

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An American travels on business to Japan for the first time, and decides to pick up a hooker

When he was diddling her, she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" The guy figured this was a term for something great.

The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese client and colleagues, and he got a hole-in-one. He wanted to impress his Japanese friends, so he yelled out, "Fujifoo!!!"

The Japanese speaking folks looked confused, and one of them finally said, "No, you got the right hole."

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while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle...

I'm just kidding, I live in America.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best america jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about america. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty america gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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