We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Because Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
But every American knows that America is the best country in the world
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
America.
We'll return him back to you.
That's it. That's the fucking joke.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
Thailand reunites boys with their families.
But in China, dogs are e-10
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β
The clerk said, Kiss my ass⦠get out⦠and stay out!
Β
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β Do you have it in paperback?
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
He wants to make America grate again.
The United States of America
Because they use 9mms at school.
...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''
The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.
*Thanks for the gold kind stranger.
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.
the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.
the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.
the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.
"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"
"well shit no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.
You could say they are going toupΓ©e for it.
To stop hispanic attacks.
Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Barman: Oh, you must be American.
American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?
Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.
They've left those kids a loan.
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
Because fuck u
that's why
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"
No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.
The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.
The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.
The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"
The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"
The 45th President of the United States of America.
Neither because they live in America.
Because fuck U, that's why.
In America tv watches you.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
No, you the bomb.
A compliment in America.
An argument in the Middle East.
America.
... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.
Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.
The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.
Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".
So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious.
One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The woman then says a loud "You foul mouthed swines! In America we don't talk about our sex lives in public!
"Hey cool down lady" the Italian said. "Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!
And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"
After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"
A dramatic silence prevails
After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".
If left for a while, cheese develops culture.
But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".
A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.
Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America.
I said, "America."
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
The Americans have really nice neighbors.
My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"
A USB.
The Air Force, because its US AF.
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
because fuck u thats why
in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
Tell them it's nearly finished.
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"
God asks Bush: What do you believe in?
Bush replies: I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: Great, come sit on the chair on my right.
God goes to Obama and asks: What do you believe in?
Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.
Finally, God asks Trump: What do you believe in ?
Trump replies: I believe you're sitting on my chair.
(β’_β’)
( β’_β’)>ββ -β
(ββ _β )
In *da* pendent
And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great whites.
"Give us back our land!"
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...
Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
Because fuck u that's why.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
On their long flight to America, two Iraqi refugees end up sitting together and befriending each other. When the flight lands in New York, the two agree to meet up in 5 years and see which one became more Americanized.
After 5 years they meet up and the first Iraqi tells his friend: "Listen to my accent Aziz! I speak perfect English. I also have a closet full of Levis, drive a Corvette, eat McDonald's once a day, and I drink Coke all the time."
The other Iraqi stares him dead in the eyes and says:
"Shut the fuck up Towel Head"
Make America grate again.
What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner.
That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.
They make a bet who would be the most "americanized" in a year.
After this year, one brother says, "i just dropped my kids off at baseball and we're having mcdonald's later".
The other brother says, "fuck off, towelhead!"
There's Ethiopian food in America
And we're going toupΓ©e for it
because they can't protect their towers
Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
The five people are:
-Trump
-Morgan Freeman
-Larry Page
-The Pope
-A schoolboy
There are only 4 parachutes.
Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
There are only two people left, and one parachute. The Pope says "I have lived a long and happy life, you can take the parachute" to the schoolboy.
The schoolboy replies "no, it's OK, we can both go, the smartest man in America took my backpack!"
Both of them
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets. Trump's face sours, and he yells FAKE NEWS!
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks how can I make America great again? Washington replies I would suggest you never tell a lie , which infuriates Trump.
Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks how can I make America great again? . Lincoln responds, go to the theater.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"
Because they don't have 2 towers.
No, you da bomb!
In America β a compliment.
In the Middle East β an argument.
The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.
Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"
The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"
Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,
" Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."
Trump will make America grate again.
Captain Vietnam
They have the best schools for it.
Two.
One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive
reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:)
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.
He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.
A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.
"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"
The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"
The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells
"FLUC U AMERICANS TOO"
Personally, I think Europe is the most ignorant country in the world.
The other 20% are dead
He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, Paddy gets up and says "I'll have a go at it, but before that, can I go outside for a few minutes?" "Sure, why not" comes the answer.
So Paddy walks out and, after a little while, comes back in. "Okay, I'm ready" he says, picks up one pint after another and drains all of the glasses. The American is very impressed, but as he hands out the money, he has to ask: "Say, where did you go just before you won my little bet here?"
"Ah, just went to Reilly's pub next door to see if I could do it!"
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Well, looks like he died 17 days after.
Foot fetish
They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised
America
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"
-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
Because we can't defend towers
If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
Because they cant defend their towers.
Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.
USB
a USB!
They always shoot the black ones first.
^^^^sorry...
It Trumped Brexit.
Star-Spangled Banner
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
Cause' freedom rings
a USB
They can't defend towers.
That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
America says, "What is this, a joke?"
He made the swamp great again and drained America.
It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.
The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"
The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"
The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen."
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: Sucks you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
An American man is on holiday in London and decides to get a cab from the airport to his hotel. On the way he passes Tower Bridge and says to the driver "Hey man, what's that?" The cab driver replies "That's Tower Bridge", and the American replies "In America we could build that in two weeks!"
Next they pass Buckingham Palace and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "That's Buckingham Palace", the American replies "In America we could build that in one week!"
Next they pass The Houses of Parliament and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "I dunno mate, it wasn't there this morning".
Because freedom rings.
On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town's name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? The Cashier nods.
Would you please pronounce where we are for us β very slowly?
The cashier leans over the counter and says, Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about America? Well, here are the best jokes about America to have fun with.