America Jokes

193 america jokes and hilarious america puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about america that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Let the laughter roll with this collection of America jokes! We have jokes about oil, guns, the caucus, Americanization, and America vs. Canada, India, and more. Read on to crack up with these classic funny bits.

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Funniest America Short Jokes

Short america jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The america humour may include short liberty jokes also.

  1. If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We'll take the alien, you get the predators
  2. North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
  3. America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
  4. I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
  5. Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We'll return him back to you.
  6. I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
  7. What's the difference between Thailand and America? Thailand reunites boys with their families.
  8. Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled? Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
  9. America sure is having some bad luck It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
  10. Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

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America One Liners

Which america one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with america? I can suggest the ones about immigrants and miss america.

  1. Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.
  2. Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives? America
  3. In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10
  4. Americas curve is flattening alright. Just vertically instead of horizontally.
  5. What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare
  6. Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain vietnam
  7. In Russia you watch tv In America tv watches you.
  8. What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
  9. 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%
  10. In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
  11. What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
  12. America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
  13. In America, dogs are K9. In China, dogs are E10.
  14. "Name one person that could beat Captain America" Captain Vietnam
  15. Why is America bad at League of Legends? Because we can't defend tower

Only In America Jokes

Here is a list of funny only in america jokes and even better only in america puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
    Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
    All the golf courses and all the white men
    Couldn't Make America Great Again
  • America is going through such bad luck at the moment It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
  • America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends. Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
  • Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
  • What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
  • I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
  • What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.
  • As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country. It's ridiculous and unfair.
    Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
  • Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance? Neither because they live in America.
  • You the bomb. No, you the bomb.
    A compliment in America.
    An argument in the Middle East.

Make America Jokes

Here is a list of funny make america jokes and even better make america puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How to make Americans take vaccines Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.
  • Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
  • President Trump just banned shredded cheeses. He wants to Make America Grate Again
  • Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese. It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.
  • As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . . . . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.
  • Did you see that Sargento is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
  • With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
  • Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country They want to Make America Grate Again.
  • It's Trump's own fault that he lost... He spent 4 years saying, "Make America Great Again", so this week 74 million people finally did.
  • You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
America joke, You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able t

Coming To America Jokes

Here is a list of funny coming to america jokes and even better coming to america puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a bee that comes from America ? USB.
  • How come there aren't any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
  • an old joke that comes from the 18th centuary The united states of America
  • When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts? Australia got first pick.
  • I really don't think Googles Pixel 2XL will sell that well in America however look out when the 4XL comes out as that will be a much better fit for the general public.
  • Hey baby, are you the nuclear war between America and Russia? Because neither of us want to come first, but both want to fire
  • America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.
  • You know, I agree with Trump about refugees... ...we can't just let all of these Syrians come into America and take all of our Mexican people's jobs!
  • Some say happiness in America is at an all time low, but I'm an optimistic... ... I think the worst is yet to come.
  • What comes after America? Bmerica.
    I'll see myself out

Captain America Jokes

Here is a list of funny captain america jokes and even better captain america puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
    A Star-Spangled Banner.
  • What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.
  • What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America? Star-Spangled Banner
  • Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
  • In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast . It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
  • Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.
  • What do you call the Hulk when he wears Captain America's outfit? The Star Spangled Banner
  • What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? Star spangled Banner.
  • Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
  • Which superhero can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam

America Oil Jokes

Here is a list of funny america oil jokes and even better america oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • America is now invading Israel! They found out that their oil lasts 8 days instead of 1
  • Boy America's obsession with oil is real They just landed a drilling machine on Mars.
  • Sometimes people put so much oil in their food it makes America attack their homes for democracy.
  • Don't burn the midnight oil, America might attack you.
  • If you say imperialism 5 times fast.... America will come and take your oil.
  • Why was Captain America beating up Iron man? Because he had oil
America joke, Why was Captain America beating up Iron man?

Cheeky America Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about america you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean america gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make america pranks.

Why Americans don't use metric?


Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets s**... *before* she has s**....

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great w**....

9 out of 10 Americans are s**......

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.

That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a v**....

What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

( •_•)>⌐■-■
In *da* pendent

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

As the k**... are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

America joke, Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

jokes about america