Americ Jokes

Following is our collection of leicester humor and counter one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Americ puns for adults, dirty dispute jokes or clean americanize gags for kids.

There is an abundance of words jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes on americ. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any square witze you can hear about americ.

The Best jokes about Americ

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school


In America, dogs are k-9s

But in China, dogs are e-10

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.


An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.

"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"

He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.

"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"

"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"

"There are no black Russians"

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.


An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.



"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.



The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

Why is America bad at League of Legends?

Because we can't defend towers

Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

Why can't americans play pool billard?

They always shoot the black ones first.

^^^^sorry...

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"


The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.

In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me....

I live next door to a hot 10 year old girl.

How come american cops always lose at pool?

Because they always shoot down the black one first.

Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

Because he was Snow'den.

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

Americans won't get this

Free healthcare

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

An American visiting the U.K .......

has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?

An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.

Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "Gross!"

The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

Dress them up as dead lions

America is converting to metric units...

inch by inch.

Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?

Because they always shoot the black ones first...

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

One in 3 Americans

weighs as much as the other two combined

90's American kids will never get this!

Social Security.

What's more American than owning your own home?

Not owning your own home.

Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...

But at least we invented the hamburger

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

America is converting to the metric system

Inch by inch

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes