Howlingly Hilarious Americ Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
Why Americans don't use metric?
Foot fetish
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican
We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
An American visiting the U.K .......
has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. β¦β¦Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. β¦.Are you whales from Ireland?
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
Why are americans bad at DotA ?
Because they cant defend their towers.
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
Why can't americans play pool billard?
They always shoot the black ones first.
^^^^sorry...
How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.
An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
You can explore americ leicester reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean americ dispute dad jokes. There are also americ puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....
And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great whites.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
An american walks into a swiss bank...
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
Why are Americans so bad at chess?
Because they don't have 2 towers.
America sure is having some bad luck
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
How come american cops always lose at pool?
Because they always shoot down the black one first.
I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants
Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"
Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
America is so racist and homophobic
That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.
In America, dogs are k-9s
But in China, dogs are e-10
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs
In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs
America is going through such bad luck at the moment
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
America is a free country.
Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
80% of Americans want net neutrality
The other 20% are dead
Why is America bad at League of Legends?
Because we can't defend towers
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
The American dream:
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Americans have a terrible sense of humour
I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
Americas curve is flattening alright.
Just vertically instead of horizontally.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys
In Europe we call them Royals
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.
We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.
America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam
It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
Just the way America does it
If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States
Americans: "This is not who we are."
β This claim is disputed
What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?
The U.S.S. ARRRGH
As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan
It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.
American conservatives are pretty homophobic
for people so proud of their four fathers
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?
Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten.
One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.
America has been having a lot of bad luck lately
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because they shoot all the ones who go to school
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
What does the H in America stand for?
Healthcare
What do American police have in common with American Congress?
They only serve and protect corporate interests.
Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?
Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year
than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.
An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.
They start boasting about their countries.
The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"
The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"
Then the Indian says "We dug deep and found nothing!"
So the other two started laughing and said "what's there to boast about?"
The Indian said "That means we always had wireless!"
In America, you go to recruitment office
In Russia, recruitment office go to you!
An American and a German are in a public bathroom.
The German is peeing on the floor.
The American says:
\-That's gross!
The German replies:
\-Danke!
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives
The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"
Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"
In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting
In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.
Americans are the best at solving Rubik's Cube
They have a long history of sorting and separating colours
An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?
A Hamburger.
