Ambushed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:

"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."

The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.

"*Now* you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.

Ambushed my mother-in-law

After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted Are you gonna help? , I said 6 should be enough!

A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will go to waste. We will ground your bones to make powder. We will use your teeth for necklaces and jewelry. Your skin will be tanned and stretched out across a frame to make canoes, and so on." He adds," I will give you all a knife, and you can kill yourselves how you want", he says untiing them. He hands a knife to the French man, he yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!", and slits his throat. The Japanese man is next. He takes the knife, yells,"BANZIA!", and commits a hari-kari. Then, the American takes the knife, stabs holes all over his body, and says,"THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' CANOE!"

Old joke about 3 men and a tribe.

3 men are walking through a jungle when they get ambushed by a tribe and taken to the tribe leader. They are told that they will live if the can collect 10 fruit of the same kind and bring it back to the leader the next day.


The first man comes back to the tribe leader with 10 tangerines. The tribe leader says, "Ok, now stick them in your butthole without making a sound." The man struggles to put even one in but just manages. He tries another but screams in pain. The tribe then executes him.


The second man comes in with 10 grapes and is told the same as the first. He puts 9 in with almost no trouble but then bursts into laughter. The tribe then executes him too.


The first man and the second man meet in heaven and the first man says, "Why did you laugh, you only needed one more grape and you'd be free?!" The second man says, "I saw the third guy come in with pineapples."

My favorite joke from my grandpa

Three friends, Steve, Dave, and Bob are hiking through the forest when they're ambushed by a tribe of cannibals. They're taken back to the cannibals' camp and are brought to the chief. The chief tells them, "Here in our tribe, we like to play a game with those we capture. We walk you through the forest, and you must pick 10 of one kind of fruit. Once you come back, we'll explain the rest to you."

So each man sets off into the forest, closely guarded by 2-3 cannibals. Steve returns, and he has picked 10 apples. The chief says "You must shove all 10 of those apples inside your anus. If you can fit all 10 in without making a single facial expression, you will be set free. Make one facial expression, however, and you will be eaten. The man gets 3 apples in before shouting out in excruciating pain, and he is cooked and eaten.

Dave returns, and he has picked 10 grapes. The chief tells him the rest of the rules, and he begins inserting grapes into his anus. He gets to 9 grapes, and then busts out in hysterical laughter. Confused, the cannibals cook and eat him.

Dave gets up to the Pearly Gates to see his friend Steve waiting for him. Steve says, "Dave! What happened?! Why did you start laughing? You were so close! You could have been freed!"

Dave immediately begins laughing and says, "I know, but I couldn't control myself when I saw Bob walking into the camp with 10 watermelons!"

A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new yorker asks for a fork.
The tribeman provides them all with what they asked.
The French person says "Glory to France!" And drinks the poison.
The British person says "God save the queen!" And shoots himself.
The New Yorker takes the fork and stabs himself throughly, yelling "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Darkened Room

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

Here's a very shitty joke i made up

There was once a Sith lord


He ambushed the rebels but he ran as soon as he saw his uncle


It was Kylo


Kylo ran

Told by my brother, punchline gets me everytime

Three men are adventuring through the Amazon jungle, searching for treasure. One day, as they were hacking through brush they are ambushed and captured by a fierce tribe. One of the warriors acts as the translator, and tells the three men what the leader of the tribe is planning for them. "You have trespassed on our lands, and the punishment is one we have used for generations. Using our ancestors secrets, we are going to kill you, and turn you into canoes." The men are shaken, but bravely come up with a reply. "Could we choose the weapon used for our death?" The translator agrees, and the first men steps up. "I would like poison." The poison is delivered and he drinks it, scarcely a minute later he falls to the ground, dead. As the remaining two watch, the tribe descends upon the man and five minutes later his body has been made into a canoe. The second man is shocked and asks if he may also have poison. The cycle repeats itself, and the remaining man looks at the grisly remains of his fellows. He turn to the translator angrily. "Give me a fork." The translator is taken aback. "A fork? You do not want poison?" The man growls "I know what I want, give me a fork." The translator hurries away and returns moments later, holding a fork. The man takes it, then repeatedly stabs himself in the chest, shouting. "YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE A DAMN CANOE OUT OF ME!!"

Did you hear about those soldiers that got ambushed at the latrine?

They were caught with their dicks out.

The French wanted more territory...

So they got ready to invade Spain

As the army crossed the border they were immediately ambushed and lost the battle.

Why?

Because nobody expects the Spanish in-position

What are the funniest ambushed jokes of all time?

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