The Best 77 Amazon Jokes

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon.

All I got was a blank CD.

Dumb joke I thought of while bored at work.

Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?

You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.

Yesterday I thought I was in the Amazon river

Turns out I was in denial

Amazon's birthday

Today is Amazon's birthday. Many happy returns, Amazon!

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River?

The Amazon River actually has sails.

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?

Amazon.

Sources say Amazon to invest in maternity wards in hopes of expanding their delivery services.

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

What's the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon Prime

Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon

I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.

Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon?

They never have positive reviews.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon....

I want to see which one comes first.

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

I was looking for a lighter on amazon...

But they only had 112.422 matches.

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

What do you get when Wonder Woman has sex with a transformer?

Amazon Prime

Why did Amazon name their drone delivery service Amazon Prime Air?

Because the name Dropbox is already taken

A man goes to an interview for a lumberman position​

Interviewer: So, what's your experience in the field? Where have you worked?

Man: I have worked in the Amazon forest, in Canada and in the Sahara desert

Interviewer: In the Sahara desert? But there are no trees there

Man: Yeah, now

Wonder Woman would have been a much better movie without all the product placement.

2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh.

If Wonder Woman is the best female warrior

Would that make her Amazon Prime?

What would you call a Crossover between Wonder Woman and Transformers?

Amazon Prime.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

What's another name for Best Buy?

The Amazon Showroom.

I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today

I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.

I ordered a chicken and egg on Amazon today....

Now all we have to do is wait..

The Apple iPhone 8, Samsung Galaxy S8, Snapchat Spectacles, and the Amazon Echo Show all came out in 2017. Who won the year?

The NSA

What's the name of the Transformer that likes to shop?

Amazon Prime

If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

I'm returning my microwave to Amazon.

It's been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

My parents got an Amazon Echo for Christmas and all they do is shout at it and get disappointed by all it can't do.

I've been replaced by Alexa and it's great.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

There is an isolated indigenous tribe that lives in the Amazon.

What's interesting about them is that in their language they only have words for numbers 1 and 2, and every number higher than 2 is just 'many'. You have 3 kids? You have many kids, You caught 20 fish? You caught many fish.

I guess trying to come up with words for three numbers was just one too many.

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

My wife said, don't worry "I'm just windowshopping" while on zalando, amazon and aliexpress.

Guess what I said when she caught me browsing Tinder?

What do you call two people who share an amazon account?

Primates

I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon

But nobody buys it.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

I just saw a book on Amazon called "Overcome Procrastination"

I've put it on my wish list.

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

I regret naming my daughter Alexa because of the popularity of the Amazon Echo. So we decided to change her name to something that will never be a popular word.

We're trying to pick between Cortana and Bixby

I bought a chicken and an egg off of Amazon today...

I'll let you know.

What do you call a Transformer in a cardboard box?

Amazon Prime.

Amazon

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I paid more tax than amazon

That's it

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I'm selling Amazon gift codes on eBay.

If anyone's interested, they are in a mint condition and only used once.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Jeff Bezos has never been the President of Amazon.

Just the Prime Minister.

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying 'Dear delivery man, we're out, please hide in garbage'

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

I'm binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won't let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business.

Here's the Amazon link to it!

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days?

Amazon prime

"Denial isn't just a river in Brazil."

"That's the Amazon."

"No, I refuse to believe that."

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is stepping down from Amazon?

Odd, since he was in his Prime.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already!" I implored.

"All right, man-- you fly, I'll buy!" he finally conceded.

Which just goes to show, if you want to pick up speed you've got to press on the ex seller rater.

Amazon Dating Joke

A parody dating site modeled as a mockup of Amazon Dating. The latest genius joke on singles.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates.

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

I called Amazon and told them all my packages were late...

... and got the wildest excuse EVER GIVEN.

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.