Amazing Jokes

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"

Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"

Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"

Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"

The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!

Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.

It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

The brain

The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"

"I don't care, just get out!"

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

Girls are so amazing.

They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

The human brain is amazing

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

I'm 50, and I have the cholesterol of a teenager.

It's amazing what you can find on eBay.

Did you hear about the antenna that got married?

The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!

I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them.

The police however call it theft.

A man walks into a doctors office

A man walks into a doctors office and says
Man: "Doctor, Doctor! I have 5 penises!!"

Doctor: "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?!"

Man: "Like a glove."

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

It's amazing how people in the desert never starve because of all the sand which is there.

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

What was Hitler favorite TV show?

The Amazing Race

Paddy has sex for the first time

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.

"It was amazing," Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."

"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.

"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," Paddy replied.

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Pooping is kinda like being in a relationship...

It's amazing at first but when it's over you feel empty inside.

Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'

She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

A dog walks into a bar

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "A pint of beer please." The bartender says "Wow that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog then replies "Why? Do they need electricians?"

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

Chinese Food is amazing

but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.

The peer says, "What is he saying?"

The scientist says, "Woof."

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"

"Found it"

My new pen is amazing. It writes UNDERWATER.

Among other words.

What is Hitler's favorite reality show?

The Amazing Race

Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict...

...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.

why is rain the best kind of music?

because it has amazing drops.

A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

What is a 6.9

Another amazing thing ruined by a period

Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

I don't understand all this hate towards the police...

...I mean they're an amazing band.

Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:

"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" Says the dog.

"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

Again, the dog says "Roof!"

"Remarkable! So what do you think?"

The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."

Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"


"Twenty-five".

The "Age" of Dinosaurs

A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"

The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."

"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"

"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."

Why do gay men have such amazing taste in clothing?

They take years before coming out of the closet.

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.

After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:

* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.

After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.

The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,

when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply's "Ear sticky."

A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...

The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

Thermos

A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.

The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

A few days ago i saw an amazing magician...

When he opened his jacket and screamed Allahu Akbar he disappeared along with 30 others.

The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

Wives are amazing magicians...

They can turn anything into an argument.

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

Once there was a mathematician

Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"

The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."

A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises.

The doctor says, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove."

4 friends in their 20s....

Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.

10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.

In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.

Another 10 years pass and they once again go because of the delicious food.

In their 60s, they go again because the quiet atmosphere is perfect for a low conversation.

You guessed it, in their 70s they go again, this time for the amazing sunset over the late.

Ten years later, they decide to go to Sands, because they've never been there before.

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must've been mistaken.

I said, Who me?

She said Yes, of course you. I don't usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.

I met a furry dominatrix with an amazing sound system

You wouldn't believe how many sub woofers she has.

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

Two satellites get married

The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!

Three guys went out camping together

One morning, when they woke up, the man sleeping on the left told his friends "I just had the best dream. I got the most amazing handjob"

The man on the right, quite surprised, told him "No way! I also got a great handjob in my dream!"

"You guys have such great dreams, it's not fair!" complained the man in the middle, "All I dreamt of was skiiing!"

a dyslexic customer walks into a bra

"how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender

"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5".

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused then asks

"What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

On the back of u/baldillin

A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.

In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?

Of course, God says, who can he tell?

Two antenna got married....

... the reception was amazing.

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"

The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.

"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.

"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.


When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.


Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.


Did you follow my instructions?


The blonde nods…


I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.


No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

We have collected gags that can be used as Amazing pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Amazing, here are one liners and funny Amazing pick up lines.

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