Amateur Jokes

60 amateur jokes and hilarious amateur puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about amateur that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Amateur Short Jokes

Short amateur jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The amateur humour may include short novice jokes also.

  1. Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
    A professional thief says, "sign here please.."
  2. I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches. Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
  3. A buddy asked if I was pro gay... I'm not even amateur gay; I didn't even know they had a league!
  4. I don't understand this recent trend where everyone seems to be obsessed with protein. I'm way more into amateur teen.
  5. Burnt I burned myself on a cup of coffee earlier… was amateur pain. However I burnt myself on my grill not too long after that… was propane.
  6. What's the difference between tiger woods and an amateur golfer? Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving
  7. I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets... The poems aren't bad, but you can tell they're not prose.
  8. Don't be afraid to do something new Remember, the Noah's ark was built by an amateur and the Titanic by professionals.
  9. When I was a kid I used to think I had a photographic memory. All of my memories were blurred and cut off at the neck.
    It was an amateur photographic memory.
  10. What's the worst thing about being a professional alligator wrestler? You have to start off by being an amateur alligator wrestler.

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Amateur One Liners

Which amateur one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with amateur? I can suggest the ones about rookie and hobby.

  1. What is the opposite of a protein? An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  2. I've never trusted an amateur masseuse. They just rub me the wrong way.
  3. What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night!
  4. I absolutely adore alliteration. Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.
  5. What do you call a dyselxic, amateur wizard? Dude who can barely spell.
  6. Whenever someone asks me my pronouns I tell them I just get by with the amateur ones.
  7. What do you call an amateur circumcision? A rip-off
  8. My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher. Such a deep sinker.
  9. What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire? An amateur electrician
  10. I work with an amateur architect. It puts a roof over my head, sort of.
  11. What do you call an amateur hitman? hitormissman
  12. Where are all the women in amateur astronomy? At the other end of the telescope.
  13. What do you call an amateur expert on fish? A fishionado
  14. What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets? semi-prose
  15. What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria? A Pro-Biotic

Amateur joke, What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria?

Gather Around for Heartwarming Amateur Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about amateur you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expert jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make amateur pranks.

Tiger Woods playing golf.

Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.

A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"

I knew an amateur boxer with a coke habit.

He kept his stash in his headgear because he thought it would soften the blow.

I run an amateur dramatic society. Someone approached me recently wanting to do an all dwarf version of the pantomime "Aladdin".

The concept is a little wishy-washy.

On Kashyyyk, Chewbacca's homeworld, would amateur junior-level warriors be called Rookie Wookies?


A little known fact about h**... was that he was an amateur Chinese chef

He wrote a best selling cookbook, Chow Mein Kampf.

A group of amateur bank robbers plan their first heist, but only have post-it notes to work with.

Should be easy enough to pull off.

I once met an amateur p**......

I guess she's just called a 'stitute'.

What does an amateur Mexican real estate agent say to his clients.?

Hey look, homes

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

How did the amateur win the karate tournament?

He won the No-Belt Prize.

Some people say that going to bars on St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve is "amateur hour."

But that's just because they don't have a sponsor yet.

a Proverb

"floccinaucinihilipilification" is a proverb.
"Go" is an amateur verb.

An amateur comedian gets stabbed by another experienced comic, Police arrest the experienced comic and in his testimonial, he had written

Well, he took a stab at humor first!

Why do amateur gamers always lose battles?

They don't have enough Intel.

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

Golf joke

Golfer decides to have a drink after a solo round of golf and heads in to the clubhouse.
Golfer [panting]: I'm spent. I just played 18 holes.
Gay bartender: Amateur.

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."
The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."
The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wives. Only one more and I have a complete golf course."

The golfer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the night progresses, he finds himself with a very attractive woman and they hit it off immediately. He asks her out on a date. "But, before you say yes, I must warn you. I am an amateur golfer. Golfing is my life. Every free moment I'm out golfing. I read about golf, watch golf on TV, talk about golf. My exes all broke up with me because of my obsession with golf," he says. "Well, if you're going to be that honest, than so will I," she says. "I'm actually a h**...." "Oh my God!" the guy exclaims. "Me too!"

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate response."
He said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."


An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Amateur joke, What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?

jokes about amateur