Altitude Jokes

55 altitude jokes and hilarious altitude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about altitude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you're looking for a laugh, check out our collection of jokes about altitude! From high-flying puns to mountaintop humor, we've got you covered.

Funniest Altitude Short Jokes

Short altitude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The altitude humour may include short height jokes also.

  1. What did Daddy Plane say to his Son when he refused to land? I don't appreciate your altitude right now,
  2. Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude (pause)
    And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.
    (Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)
  3. Me and My friend Bet 500 dollars on who could throw a slap of beef to the greatest altitude above sea level... The steaks have never been higher
  4. Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building. Not with that altitude.
  5. A skydiver opened his parachute too late. He won't be able to make it Not with that altitude
  6. What are three most useless things in aviation? The runway behind you.
    The altitude above you.
    The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.
  7. What goes on top of a hill with three legs and comes down with four? A monkey that gets turned on by altitude.
    My contribution to the lawyer and blonde joke.
  8. A bowling ball and a black man fall out of a tree at the same time and altitude, what hits the ground first? The bowling ball.
    the black man stops at the neck.
  9. My boss told me I've got to stop coming to work high... ...and that I need to change my altitude.
  10. Why do people fear flying with United Airlines? Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

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Altitude One Liners

Which altitude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with altitude? I can suggest the ones about temperature and depth.

  1. An airplane yells at his rebellious son... .. "Watch that altitude, young man"
  2. Why was the pilot feeling low? He had the wrong altitude.
  3. When learning how to fly its important to maintain a positive altitude.
  4. I got dismissed from my job as a pilot. They told me I had an altitude problem.
  5. Why was the plane sent back to his room? Bad altitude
  6. I got fired for being high on the job. Boss said he didn't like my altitude.
  7. Why wasn't the pilot allowed to fly? (Pun) He was grounded due to his poor altitude.
  8. What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain? You need an altitude change!
  9. What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff? A Con descending Altitude.
  10. A student gets pushed off a cliff as a punishment He had a bad altitude.
  11. What do you call a sunburnt guy on high altitude? Moun-tan
  12. What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain? I'm sick of your altitude, mister!
  13. Why was the plane grumpy? He had a bad altitude.
  14. What do you call bomber version of Snoop Dog? B-52 (High Altitude Bomber)
  15. What do you call a group of sky diving samurai warriors? Ninjas With Altitude

High Altitude Jokes

Here is a list of funny high altitude jokes and even better high altitude puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you gain altitude while heading down? Join the mile high club
Altitude joke, How do you gain altitude while heading down?

Hilarious Fun Altitude Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about altitude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tower jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make altitude pranks.

Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
He always said "Neigh"

In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a b**... right now." The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't hang up and as she races by my seat the guy behind me shouts, "Hey, honey! Don't forget that cup of coffee!"

Pilot to co-pilot

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , mattah...all f**... same.

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.
They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.
The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'
The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'

Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-s**..., wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm only through with hafnium. Come on, I think ironed some laughter for that one. Where do chemists wash their dishes? In the zinc. I'm sorry if you didn't like that one. I'm no einsteinium. I would tell you another one, but I think they all argon.

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

According to Wikipedia, Afghanistan is the country with the top average altitude

But now Canada is highest


Prison is the only place where the importance of **soap** drops... with it's altitude.

My friend said that he can't Base Jump from the roof of my house and land safely

Not with that altitude

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard how much noise two airliners make when they collide?"

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....

A priest is on a plane

A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"

Altitude joke, Why was the pilot feeling low?

jokes about altitude