Altitude Jokes

Following is our collection of atlantic humor and gradient one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Altitude puns for adults, dirty turbulence jokes or clean takeoff gags for kids.

There is an abundance of airforce jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 39 funniest jokes on altitude. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any engines witze you can hear about altitude.

The Best jokes about Altitude

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Pilot to co-pilot

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon guy says, "You must be an engineer. Because you correctly answered my question but it was completely unhelpful for my situation.
The guy on the ground says, "You are right I am an engineer. And you must be a manager. Because I gave you exactly the information that you asked for and yet somehow I am now to blame for your negligent situation."


A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.

Lady: Oh, You must be an engineer.

Man: Yes! How did you know?

Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still lost.

Engineer: I see, then you must be in Upper Management.

Lady: Yes! How did you know?

Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fuc#ing fault

When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".

The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said " ah, we have plenty of those in my country". And then the Israeli threw the Arab out of the plane.

In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a blow job right now." The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't hang up and as she races by my seat the guy behind me shouts, "Hey, honey! Don't forget that cup of coffee!"

Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude

(pause)

And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.

(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)


I got dismissed from my job as a pilot.

They told me I had an altitude problem.

Why was the plane sent back to his room?

Bad altitude

I got fired for being high on the job.

Boss said he didn't like my altitude.

Why wasn't the pilot allowed to fly? (Pun)

He was grounded due to his poor altitude.

Me and My friend Bet 500 dollars on who could throw a slap of beef to the greatest altitude above sea level...

The steaks have never been higher

What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain?

You need an altitude change!

Hot-Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building.

Not with that altitude.


Two pilots

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....


"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Gilberg, nomattah...all same."

A skydiver opened his parachute too late. He won't be able to make it

Not with that altitude

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'

The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Maintain a high altitude. Stop descending.

Yoda: Hydraulics, working not.

Radio tower: *static crackling* Flight 90 I'm having trouble *static crackling* reading you on the radar *static crackling* Are you on course?

Yoda: Of course I am

*static crackling*

A mother is breastfeeding her baby on a plane

The captain comes on and says "we're ready for takeoff." The mother wraps her child and herself up. The plane takes off and the mother opens up and begins to breastfeed her child again. Her seatmate turns to her and says "You must have a hungry child." The mother answers "No, I just feed him to stop his ears from popping as we climb in altitude." The seatmate thinks about that for a moment then replies "And here I've been chewing gum all this time."

What are three most useless things in aviation?

The runway behind you.

The altitude above you.

The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.

What goes on top of a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

A monkey that gets turned on by altitude.

My contribution to the lawyer and blonde joke.

A Japanese man, a Mexican man, and an American man

A Japanese man, Mexican man, and American man were on a plane that was dropping altitude. They were told to drop something off the plane to lessen the weight on the plane. The Japanese man dropped a Wii and said "There are too many of these in my country". Then, the Mexican man dropped a sombrero and said "There are too many of these in my country". Finally, the American man dropped the Mexican man off and said "There are too many of these in my country".

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.

Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.

As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

A bowling ball and a black man fall out of a tree at the same time and altitude, what hits the ground first?

The bowling ball.

the black man stops at the neck.

A student gets pushed off a cliff as a punishment

He had a bad altitude.

My boss told me I've got to stop coming to work high...

...and that I need to change my altitude.

What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff?

A Con descending Altitude.

Why do people fear flying with United Airlines?

Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

My friend said that he can't Base Jump from the roof of my house and land safely

Not with that altitude

Prison...

Prison is the only place where the importance of **soap** drops... with it's altitude.

According to Wikipedia, Afghanistan is the country with the top average altitude

But now Canada is highest

Why was the plane grumpy?

He had a bad altitude.

What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain?

I'm sick of your altitude, mister!

What do you call a sunburnt guy on high altitude?

Moun-tan

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes