Alternative Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"

Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:

"Quack!"

Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

What does the White House call a broken printer?

Alternative Fax.

Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They'll use alternative fax.

What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine?

They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

A lawyer named Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot...

But then I learned it meant something different.

I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong

Some are just alternative right

Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies?

I'm a huge fan.

Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.

Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:


"Alternative Fax"

Some people don't like fracking

But the alternative is boring!

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Spelling bee

A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.


"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.


He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"


"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a plot of agricultural land, used for the raising of crops and livestock."


"Uhhh..." The Nebraskan sat there for several more minutes, continuing to ask for alternative pronunciations, word origins, etc. The moderator was getting frustrated. Finally the huskers fan asked, "Uh, can you use it in a sentence?"


"Old MacDonald had a FARM!" the moderator shouted.


"Oh!" said the Husker.


"E-I-E-I-O!"Β 

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?

He was attacked by The Garlics

What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?

The Bible

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:

Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!

Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!

I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Breaking News: Donald Trump and his staff will be replacing the email system at the White House

They'll be using alternative fax instead

I slept with a supermodel last night

Alternative facts.

I didn't fail my calculus test....

I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.

So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.

Alternative Fax

What Does Kellyanne Conway Call Her Computer's Scanner?

Alternative Fax.

I will be doing an alcohol free month...

I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.

Bad weather..

I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they've had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn't done anything else other than looking through the kitchen window. He was saying that if it carries on like that he will have no alternative but to let her in.

[EDIT]
TL;DR (upon advice):

The weather here is terrible. My MIL hasn't done anything else other than staring through the kitchen window. I might have to let her in.

What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper?

Rage Upon the Latrine

What does Sean Spicer call emails?

Alternative fax.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music?

Alternative Rock

Why did Paul Simon name his garage funk alternative band?

Simon and GarFunkAl.

I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email

And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?"

Due to cutbacks, each states government is asking their citizens to contact them only by fax...

If you would like to speak to the Federal government, you'll need an alternative fax

I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday

I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".

The dentist told me I'd have to get braces, or take the alternative route and have surgery.

The price was jaw-dropping.

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced?

He used the alternative fax.

What do you call a cow in a Russian forest?

A moss-cow.
Alternative answer: dead.

new way to pay

A company in India is coming out with a competitive PayPal alternative called PayMyFriend.

Could you please tell me what a slightly better alternative to a pokeball is?

That'd be great.

I wonder what SwissCodeMonkey.....

Will do now that Funny Jokes has an alternative.

Who am I kidding? We all know they never do anything.

What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?

A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball...

Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...

Raking leaves sucks...

...but the alternative blows.

The only think worse than getting old

is the alternative.

I took part in a contest to design an alternative notification icon for YouTube, and I won

They gave me a No Bell prize

I found an alternative to PokΓ©mon GO.

It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.

Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood...

There is no alternative.

Did you hear that Fergie was actually singing an alternative version of the star-spangled banner?

Written by Francis Scott Off-Key

This administration is so behind the times, technically speaking: they can't figure anything out...

They even have to use an alternative fax machine.

In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs.

omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.

The italian-american alternative to Kickstarter...

ey... Go fund yourself!

What does Kellyanne Conway eat for lunch?

Alternative snacks

Kellyanne Conway can't receive PDF's in her email so she uses an alternative:

Fax

Professor: Today we will talk about Undocumented Immigrants...

also known as Alternative Citizens.

How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but they get extra credits for it

Why should aspiring interplanetary astronauts apply to NASA and ignore the speedier alternative?

Because the other program mars one's odds of survival.

People often complain and belittle alternative religious organizations like atheism and scientology...

but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Can we have a thread with alternative endings to traditional jokes? I'll start: Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

What music do SEOs like?

ALT=ernative.

What are the funniest alternative jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Alternative? Well, here are the best Alternative puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Alternative pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes