Gather Around for Heartwarming Alternative Jokes and Uplifting Humor
In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs.
omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.
How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they get extra credits for it
Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies?
I'm a huge fan.
Can we have a thread with alternative endings to traditional jokes? I'll start: Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.
Why should aspiring interplanetary astronauts apply to NASA and ignore the speedier alternative?
Because the other program mars one's odds of survival.
What music do SEOs like?
ALT=ernative.
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?
A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)
What do you call alternative medicine that works?
Medicine.
Some people don't like fracking
But the alternative is boring!
Climate skeptics and 9/11-truthers unite!
Alternative fuel can't melt steel beams!
A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:
"Quack!"
You can explore alternative demographic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alternative option dad jokes. There are also alternative puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?
A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball...
Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
People often complain and belittle alternative religious organizations like atheism and scientology...
but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What do you call a cow in a Russian forest?
A moss-cow.
Alternative answer: dead.
new way to pay
A company in India is coming out with a competitive PayPal alternative called PayMyFriend.
Could you please tell me what a slightly better alternative to a pokeball is?
That'd be great.
I found an alternative to Pokémon GO.
It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.
What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper?
Rage Upon the Latrine
Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.
The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"
Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood...
There is no alternative.
I wonder what SwissCodeMonkey.....
Will do now that Funny Jokes has an alternative.
Who am I kidding? We all know they never do anything.
You know what they call alternative facts that are true?
Facts.
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".
I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong
Some are just alternative right
I'm not gay
I've just got an alternative sexuality.
I slept with a supermodel last night
Alternative facts.
Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:
Sherbert!
Kellyanne Conway can't receive PDF's in her email so she uses an alternative:
Fax
I didn't fail my calculus test....
I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.
TIFU By Stepping Into Cow Dung
Now I have alternative facts all over me.
What's another name for a big fat lion?
*Alternative Feline*
I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.
I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:
Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!
Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!
I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".
What does Sean Spicer call emails?
Alternative fax.
Trump got angry with computers again...
Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.
Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:
"Alternative Fax"
Professor: Today we will talk about Undocumented Immigrants...
also known as Alternative Citizens.
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...
Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email
And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?"
Trump Executive Order #16
Trump: From now on, 2+2 will equal 5.
Reuters: But that can't be right, 2+2=4. We proved that, too!
Trump: You can say 2+2=4, but this is alternative math.
What does Kellyanne Conway eat for lunch?
Alternative snacks
What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music?
Alternative Rock
How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced?
He used the alternative fax.
Breaking News: Donald Trump and his staff will be replacing the email system at the White House
They'll be using alternative fax instead
Due to cutbacks, each states government is asking their citizens to contact them only by fax...
If you would like to speak to the Federal government, you'll need an alternative fax
So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.
Alternative Fax
My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.
I told her yes... and it's riveting.
What does the White House call a broken printer?
Alternative Fax.
What Does Kellyanne Conway Call Her Computer's Scanner?
Alternative Fax.
What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?
The Bible
This administration is so behind the times, technically speaking: they can't figure anything out...
They even have to use an alternative fax machine.
What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine?
They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.
Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?
He was attacked by The Garlics
I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot...
But then I learned it meant something different.
Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.
His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
The dentist told me I'd have to get braces, or take the alternative route and have surgery.
The price was jaw-dropping.
Raking leaves s**......
...but the alternative blows.
In Texas, going to a chili cook-off is an acceptable alternative to church
Either way you end up sitting in a pew
Why did Paul Simon name his garage funk alternative band?
Simon and GarFunkAl.
Did you hear that Fergie was actually singing an alternative version of the star-spangled banner?
Written by Francis Scott Off-Key
I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...
It seems saner.
The italian-american alternative to Kickstarter...
ey... Go fund yourself!
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...
Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
I took part in a contest to design an alternative notification icon for YouTube, and I won
They gave me a No Bell prize
My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...
The only think worse than getting old
is the alternative.
Neil Armstrong's Alternative First Words On The Moon
my name is Nell.
i walk the moon.
i see the sun,
the stars and soon,
i say
oh dam.
i say
oh drat.
i say
oh no.
the erf is flat.
I will be doing an alcohol free month...
I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.
My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...
I thought she was my wife 2 b?
Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.
They'll use alternative fax.
Apparently the French have their own alternative for m**....
They call it ouid .
Kellyanne Conway didn't get work done
That's just her alternative face
I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect u**... as a source for an alternative fuel.
I think its BP.
If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.
Beets the alternative.
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...
It sure is hard to keep lit.
I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.
The alternative is still water.
All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...
Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
Rocky mountain oysters are quite expensive.
A cheap alternative would be deer t**..., which one can easily find under a buck.
What's the alternative name for a pickaxe?
Gold-digger h**...
What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?
Homie-opathy
What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?
An alternative
To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.
The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.
What do you call Alternative Medicine that is proven to work?
Medicine!
The Alternative Healer
A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".
What's the alternative to capitalism?
Lowercase
