Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.
"Quack!"
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
Medicine.
Alternative Fax.
They'll use alternative fax.
They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.
I told her yes... and it's riveting.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
But then I learned it meant something different.
Some are just alternative right
I'm a huge fan.
Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.
Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:
"Alternative Fax"
But the alternative is boring!
...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.
"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.
He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"
"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a plot of agricultural land, used for the raising of crops and livestock."
"Uhhh..." The Nebraskan sat there for several more minutes, continuing to ask for alternative pronunciations, word origins, etc. The moderator was getting frustrated. Finally the huskers fan asked, "Uh, can you use it in a sentence?"
"Old MacDonald had a FARM!" the moderator shouted.
"Oh!" said the Husker.
"E-I-E-I-O!"
Sherbert!
A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)
He was attacked by The Garlics
The Bible
I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:
Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!
Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!
I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".
It seems saner.
They'll be using alternative fax instead
Alternative facts.
I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.
Alternative Fax
Alternative Fax.
I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.
I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they've had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn't done anything else other than looking through the kitchen window. He was saying that if it carries on like that he will have no alternative but to let her in.
[EDIT]
TL;DR (upon advice):
The weather here is terrible. My MIL hasn't done anything else other than staring through the kitchen window. I might have to let her in.
Rage Upon the Latrine
Alternative fax.
The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"
Alternative Rock
Simon and GarFunkAl.
And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?"
If you would like to speak to the Federal government, you'll need an alternative fax
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".
The price was jaw-dropping.
I thought she was my wife 2 b?
He used the alternative fax.
A moss-cow.
Alternative answer: dead.
A company in India is coming out with a competitive PayPal alternative called PayMyFriend.
That'd be great.
Will do now that Funny Jokes has an alternative.
Who am I kidding? We all know they never do anything.
A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball...
Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
...but the alternative blows.
is the alternative.
They gave me a No Bell prize
It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.
There is no alternative.
Written by Francis Scott Off-Key
They even have to use an alternative fax machine.
omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.
ey... Go fund yourself!
Alternative snacks
Fax
also known as Alternative Citizens.
Just one, but they get extra credits for it
Because the other program mars one's odds of survival.
but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Because seven was a registered six offender.
ALT=ernative.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Alternative? Well, here are the best Alternative puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Alternative pick up lines to share with friends.