Alternative Jokes

94 alternative jokes and hilarious alternative puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alternative that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you want a fun way to laugh this holiday season? Then check out these silly alternative jokes! From Joe Mama inspired gags, to alternative Christmas crackers and Christmas energy puns, plus some alternative words for Charter, Overpopulation and Demographic, you’ll be sure to give your family and friends something to smile about!

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Funniest Alternative Short Jokes

Short alternative jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alternative humour may include short alternate jokes also.

  1. After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
    "I think I'm going to call it a day."
  2. If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
  3. Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
    Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!
  4. Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes... ... they are calling them "parallelograms".
  5. A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
    Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
  6. Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough. His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.
  7. A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown: "Quack!"
  8. Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails. They'll use alternative fax.
  9. Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
  10. What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine? They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.

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Alternative One Liners

Which alternative one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alternative? I can suggest the ones about choice and option.

  1. Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
  2. I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water. The alternative is still water.
  3. What does the White House call a broken printer? Alternative Fax.
  4. What do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine.
  5. I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong Some are just alternative right
  6. Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies? I'm a huge fan.
  7. Some people don't like fracking But the alternative is boring!
  8. I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative... It sure is hard to keep lit.
  9. What's the alternative to capitalism? Lowercase
  10. What do u call someone who has altered their nationality? An alternative
  11. If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire. Beets the alternative.
  12. What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"? The Bible
  13. What do you call Alternative Medicine that is proven to work? Medicine!
  14. 2020 was like... an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.
  15. Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.

Alternative Words For Jokes

Here is a list of funny alternative words for jokes and even better alternative words for puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot... But then I learned it meant something different.
  • Neil Armstrong's Alternative First Words On The Moon my name is Nell.
    i walk the moon.
    i see the sun,
    the stars and soon,
    i say
    oh dam.
    i say
    oh drat.
    i say
    oh no.
    the erf is flat.
Alternative joke, Neil Armstrong's Alternative First Words On The Moon

Gather Around for Heartwarming Alternative Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about alternative you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean replacement jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alternative pranks.

How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.
**Alternate Ending**
One, but it takes him fifty tries.

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hehe... 'screw'
Alternatively: 69, but everyone expects that one.

Women are like a box of chocolates

I always get stuck with the ones no one wants.
Women are like parking spaces
All the good ones are taken and the rest are either handicapped or way too far out there.
And if there's a good one then somebody just pulled out.

What do turning down a p**... and accepting an alternate hypothesis have in common?

They both involve rejecting the H0

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

You know, Nikola Tesla was famous for changing his mind.

In fact, when his colleagues would ask his opinion on a subject he would often just reply, "Oh, I don't know. My thoughts on the matter are alternating currently."

What can you never get from a gay person?

a straight answer.
Accepting alternate answers in the comments

Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son.

It's called Finding Dowry.

How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

I wouldn't know, mine's never around.
(Alternately: "Well, he went out to get one...")

A guy goes to his psychiatrist . . .

And he tells him, "doc, something is wrong with me. Every night I fall asleep and I am awakened by one of two alternating dreams; one night I'm a teepee, and the next night I'm a wigwam. You gotta help me, doc, it's driving me crazy!"
The doctor thinks for a minute, then looks up at the man and says, "you're two tents."

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA?

Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell "Down with Reagan!", and you will still not be punished.
(Alternate punchline:
Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:


I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:
Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!
Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!
I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".

Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.
Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:
"Alternative Fax"

Breaking News: Donald Trump and his staff will be replacing the email system at the White House

They'll be using alternative fax instead

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

LPT: If you want to treat a girl like a princess, take her out for dinner or play with her hair (simple things can make anyone's day).

Alternatively you could pick her up in a Mercedes and c**... into a wall.

An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"

Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?

He was attacked by The Garlics

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

A guy visits his psychiatrist

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Germans are efficient and have no sense of humor. Alternatively, none. The lightbulb should never die.

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Recurring dreams

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says Dr. you have to help me, I keep having these recurring dreams. One night I dream that I am a wigwam and the next night I dream I am a teepee. It alternates one night wigwam, one night teepee. . The psychiatrist says I think I know what your problem is. You are too tense.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the 'Human Dance.'

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.
Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.
I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a cow's eyes. He just loved to make them low and behold.
You know what makes cow puns so great?
You can always come up with an udder one.

Two guys and a girl were marooned on an island

They had everything but they needed s**..., so they took turns with the girl every week.
One day, the girl died.
In the first week, the guys were fine.
In the second week, they were not fine and decided to consider alternatives.
In the third week, they threw the body away.

God is talking to one of his angels and says

Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn't that good?
The angel says, Yes, but what will you do now?
God says, I think I'll call it a day.

Apparently the French have their own alternative for m**....

They call it ouid .

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.
*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect u**... as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

An alternate version of a racist joke

A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start u**.... As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".
So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

Rocky mountain oysters are quite expensive.

A cheap alternative would be deer t**..., which one can easily find under a buck.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

You can tune a chain saw.
Alternate answer: vibrato.

What's the alternative name for a pickaxe?

Gold-digger h**...

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?


I just read that in an alternate ending to beauty and the beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth

He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.

‪After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him what are you going to do now ‬ ‪

God said,‬ ‪ I think I'm going to call it a day. ‬

After decades of marriage, a woman tells her husband that she wants breast implants...

The husband tells her that breast augmentation surgery is too expensive and that they should try to find some alternatives.
"Well, what would you suggest?" asks the wife.
The husband responds, "At least once per day, you should take a w**... of paper and slide it between your b**.... If you do it long enough, your b**... will get bigger."
"How the h**... is that supposed to give me bigger t**...??" she exclaims.
"Well, it's worked for your a**..., hasn't it?"

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".

A guy is record shopping at a local music store…

and goes up to the clerk and says I'm looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it. Clerk says reluctantly, I'm sorry the only styles we carry are children's, Christian, classical, or folk. The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, You mean to tell me that the only categories you carry here are children's, Christian, classical, or folk? The cashier looks at the guy and says, Well yeah, there's no alternative.

A Dr. Of marine biology was inspired to create a new beverage.

Dr. Marcus Opor, renowned marine biologist and ocean sustainability expert, experimented with a brewed beverage with skipjack tuna as its primary ingredient. He spent years alternating its composition, striving for a balance of savory and rich ocean flavors. At last, he perfected his "tea", and was ready to bring it to market.
Dr. Opor made a single sample of his piscine tea and brought it to Costco to perform a taste test. Sadly, nobody was interested in his tuna beverage and it was thrown out.
It was a wasted Opor tuna tea.

Alternative joke, A Dr. Of marine biology was inspired to create a new beverage.

jokes about alternative