Alternate Jokes

Following is our collection of post humor and behaviors one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alternate puns for adults, dirty dub jokes or clean title gags for kids.

There is an abundance of rendition jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 35 funniest jokes on alternate. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sequitur witze you can hear about alternate.

The Best jokes about Alternate

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery


Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.

Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.

Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.

Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.


**Alternate Ending**

One, but it takes him fifty tries.

I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.

One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.

It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too

What can you never get from a gay person?

a straight answer.
Accepting alternate answers in the comments

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA?

Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell "Down with Reagan!", and you will still not be punished.

(Alternate punchline:

Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it.

The taste of her hairy lap stick.


Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

[Alternate Punchline Request]

I have an uncle who loves jokes. I told him a joke a long time ago that he absolutely loved. Now that he is older he has forgotten I was the one who told him and re-tells me the joke every time I go to visit him and I have to fake laugh. This time I'd like to have an alternate punchline ready to blow his mind. However, I've thought about this for a long time and have come up with nothing. Many of you are very clever so I hope you can help me out.
Here is the joke:
"Why do seagulls fly over the sea?"
"Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!"

Pirate pick-up lines

I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest.

Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.

See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.

Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?

Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded.

I've hidden booty all over the Caribbean — but never have I seen one like yours!

That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!

That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there.

My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure.

Why not climb my main mast and I'll visit your crow's nest.

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the 'Human Dance.'

Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son.

It's called Finding Dowry.

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.

*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

What do turning down a prostitute and accepting an alternate hypothesis have in common?

They both involve rejecting the H0

The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird

It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight


I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out it stands for United States of America


ALTERNATE JOKE:

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out that was my imagine nation

Alternate dimensions joke

A man learns how to go into alternate dimensions where he can become other people. He says "This is awesome, I've always wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger acting in the Terminator films, but I've also always wanted to compose classical music. So first, I'll be Bach"

The Tree Stooges: Moehogany, Cherry, and Curly Maple

Alternate for Larry: Larchy

Currently.

Currently, it's better to be direct than to alternate between weak lines or else she might get confused and ask watt you doing.

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

Did you hear about the woman who injected concrete into her buttocks?

Talk about hitting rock bottom.

ALTERNATE: What a hard-ass.

We truly are living in an alternate timeline.

I was sure the Deputy District Attorney's name was Rod Rosen**stain**.

How are your dog and your phone sex operator the same?

They both come when you call them.

Edit (alternate punchline): They're both burried in your backyard.

In alternate universe, Robert De Niro was a special council assigned to investigate the election. Once his report was done,

he released the report at least 3 times, at least 3 times, at least 3 times.

In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property.

It has been this way since the Down of time.

In an alternate universe, the Curiosity rover launch moments after lift-off.

As the rover exploded mid air, the broken pieces of Curiosity fell back to the face of Earth and scattered across the land. Unfortunately, a particularly sharp piece just happened to impale a cat walking about outside.

They said that Curiosity killed the cat.

In an alternate universe where Sean Connery has a gay BDSM fetish, what does he say as he switches positions with his sub boyfriend?

You're the man now, dog!

I believe there is another reality where I did really well in college.

I call it my Alternate University Theory.

He was a coder boy...

She said "C" you later boy, he was too BASIC for her...

*alternate title* He was a c0der boi...

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare's writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes