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Alternate Jokes

67 alternate jokes and hilarious alternate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alternate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for some offbeat humor? Check out this "Alternate Jokes" article to get a fresh take on comedy. From alternate realities, to alternate universes, to cryptic post-apocalyptic jokes, the article has it all. Entertaining and thought-provoking all at the same time, don't miss out on this unique opportunity.

Funniest Alternate Short Jokes

Short alternate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alternate humour may include short alternative jokes also.

  1. After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
    "I think I'm going to call it a day."
  2. If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
  3. Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
    Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!
  4. Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes... ... they are calling them "parallelograms".
  5. A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
    Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
  6. Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough. His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.
  7. A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown: "Quack!"
  8. Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails. They'll use alternative fax.
  9. Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
  10. What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine? They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.

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Alternate One Liners

Which alternate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alternate? I can suggest the ones about parallel and replacement.

  1. Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
  2. I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water. The alternative is still water.
  3. What does the White House call a broken printer? Alternative Fax.
  4. What do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine.
  5. I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong Some are just alternative right
  6. Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies? I'm a huge fan.
  7. Some people don't like fracking But the alternative is boring!
  8. I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative... It sure is hard to keep lit.
  9. What's the alternative to capitalism? Lowercase
  10. What do u call someone who has altered their nationality? An alternative
  11. If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire. Beets the alternative.
  12. What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"? The Bible
  13. What do you call Alternative Medicine that is proven to work? Medicine!
  14. 2020 was like... an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.
  15. Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.

Alternate Universe Jokes

Here is a list of funny alternate universe jokes and even better alternate universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from... It seems saner.
  • Somewhere in an alternate universe... A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the 'Human Dance.'
  • In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs. omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.
  • In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property. It has been this way since the Down of time.
  • In an alternate universe, Shakespeare's writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.
  • I believe there is another reality where I did really well in college. I call it my Alternate University Theory.
  • A doctor told me I have dementia So I said: Yeah, and I live in an alternate universe.
  • Somewhere in an alternative universe a girl is kissing a frog hoping it turns back into her charming prince
    but instead it only turns into the artist formerly known as prince
  • In an alternate universe, Michael Bay directed Transgenders. The tagline was "Females in disguise."
  • If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe. You have AU AU Au.

Alternate Ending Jokes

Here is a list of funny alternate ending jokes and even better alternate ending puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just read that in an alternate ending to beauty and the beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.
  • In Texas, going to a chili cook-off is an acceptable alternative to church Either way you end up sitting in a pew
  • Shouldn't this be sold without an end piece? Alternatively, would it be culturally insensitive to make a bunch of toast at once in the oven?
  • Can we have a thread with alternative endings to traditional jokes? I'll start: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
  • Alternative "For every day that ends in why?" For every day that ends with your mom.
  • How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.
    **Alternate Ending**
    One, but it takes him fifty tries.
Alternate joke, How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Alternate Reality Jokes

Here is a list of funny alternate reality jokes and even better alternate reality puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • This reality bores me.. Anyone have some 'alternative facts' to go by?
Alternate joke, This reality bores me..

Uproarious Alternate Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about alternate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shortcut jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alternate pranks.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"

God is talking to one of his angels and says

Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn't that good?
The angel says, Yes, but what will you do now?
God says, I think I'll call it a day.

Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".

An alternate version of a racist joke

A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start u**.... As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".
So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot...

But then I learned it meant something different.

How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

I wouldn't know, mine's never around.
(Alternately: "Well, he went out to get one...")

Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.
Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:
"Alternative Fax"

A guy visits his psychiatrist

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Alternate joke, A guy visits his psychiatrist

jokes about alternate