Alteration Jokes
84 alteration jokes and hilarious alteration puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alteration that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Alteration Short Jokes
Short alteration jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alteration humour may include short jokes also.
- OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers. Detective: dear god
Officer: most likely yes - After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
- Clergy A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar.
The priest asks, "Want to screw some alter boys?"
And the rabbi responds, "out of what?" - Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery? Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!
- What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer!
And what do you call a genetically altered cow?
A moo-tant, of course! - I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
- I went to a wedding today... I went to a wedding today, it went off without a hitch!
Poor guy, this is the second girl that left him at the alter. - I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files. They're absolutely game changing.
- A preist and a rabbi Are out drinking together and the preist says " lets get some alter boys to screw." and the rabbi says "out of what? "
- Why did the catholic priest get the alter boys to sit in the snow? So he could have a couple cold ones to slurp back after a hard days work.
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Alteration One Liners
Which alteration one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alteration? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift.
- Whats the best way to castrate a priest? Kick the alter boy in the chin
- What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes? Tailor Swift
- What was the plastic surgeon priest's favourite thing to do? Alter boys
- What do u call someone who has altered their nationality? An alternative
- What do you call a genetically altered picnic pest that can't speak? A mute ant
- What do you call two tailors fighting? a serious alteration
- How do you castrate a priest? Kick the alter boy in the jaw
- What do you call a Superhero with a dentist alter ego? Plaque Panther
- What is someone who just got left at the alters least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
- Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces. It's a remustard version.
- If a priest is selfcenteret Would you say he has an alter ego?
- What was the plastic surgeon's favorite video game? Altered Breast
- What do a doctor and tailor both have in common? They can both alter jeans.
- I was stood up at the alter... The wedding went off without a hitch.
Alteration Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about alteration you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alteration pranks.
A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions.
He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a s**... favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Some people have alter egos.
Chuck Norris has no such thing.
Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)
One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"
Project: Reimagined
There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They started out by impregnating 10 women with the altered embryos. For the sake of confidentiality the clones were numbered instead of named, 1-10.
The modifications seemed to work in some of the clones, but it caused some strange side effects in the other ones, not all of them survived childhood.
The first to go was 8. She wasn't told to eat, so she starved.
Then it was 2 and 10. 2 had become dangerously aggressive and attacked 10, who fought back just well enough.
Next went 4 to some disconnect in her nervous system.
Then 1, when she tried to escape after a mental break down.
3 and 5 committed s**....
The project was terminated after an incident where 9 went missing. In the file there was what seemed to be a transcript from an interview of 6, the terrified clone who witnessed it.
"Dr: Where has 9 gone? Has she told you her plan after she escaped.
6: 9 didn't escape.
Dr: What are you talking about? The whole base has been searched! 9 is nowhere to be found! Where is 9?
6: You aren't listening! 9 didn't escape, 7 killed her!
Dr: What? How? How did she kill her and then get rid of the body?
6: Isn't it obvious Doctor? 7 ate 9."
Directly to Jesus
One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem
"Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"
"That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sunday afternoon!"
One astute priest from america chuckes to himself and proclaims:
"Whenever an alter boy acts up I bring him directly to Jesus and we iron it out right there, right then."
The other priests were dumbfound as even they with all their devotion could not speak to Jesus directly! Well a year went by and the priests met up again and exclaimed the same problem with the alter boys was not getting any better. In an attempt to finally resolve their problem they confronted the American priest and asked him for advice. When the American priest spoke he did so with a sad tone in his voice and declared that Jesus had left his church shortly after last years meeting. Shocked the priests asked how this could be! The American priest told them that while he was gone Jesus was caught stealing red wine from the cellar and he had to hire a new janitor.
Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes
Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.
A priest is in the confessional box...
A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."
A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."
The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."
The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for o**... s**...?"
The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."
Why did Yoda never get married?
Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife?" His response was "Do I?"
I'm looking for as many dirty nun jokes as possible and thought maybe you guys could help me out.
Thank you and I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to ask things like this here. For your help I'll give you a nun joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an alter boy!
How does praying lead to a b**...?
I don't know, ask an alter boy.
What do you call Ralph Nader's alter ego?
His alter-nader
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"
There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day
As she arrives and sees her husband to be....
Aisle
Alter
Him
Women left at the alter
near-Mrs
How do you become invisible?
Get a child and then perform s**...-altering surgery.
Then you become a transparent.
What do you call Shia LaBeouf's alter ego?
Inertia.
What's the difference between an alter boy and a black baby?
The alter boy has a father that will love him.
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
When it comes to the bedroom, I'm changing the game...
You can call me Alter Boy
I don't know why my Ex-Fiance keeps calling me...
I left her at the alter, I even bid her adieu!
I broke some letters off my keyboard last night
My mood just shifted, there was no escape. I honestly just lost control. I need to alt-er these episodes of mine, these repair bills are building up quite a tab.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
TIL the person who coined the word 'assassin' was homophobic...
...why else would he alter the root word 'hashish' to spell a**... - as - sin'?
Man Request Prayer In Church
Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.
If CRIPSR becomes commercialized, there should be a magazine that advertises its genetic-altering capabilities
And one day, we'll all have a subscription to Breeder's Digest.
Choochie Green was a h**... in a little town,
One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"
A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.
He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."
Genetically altered common cold virus spreads...
Has anyone seen the Mexican version of Altered Carbon?
It's called Altered c**...
A nun is leaving church one evening.....
A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely n**.... The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here n**... in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,
"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"
Did you hear about the new sci-fi show coming to Netflix?
It's basically Mexicans in space. It's called *Altered Cabrón*
If Iron Man were the household appliance, his alter ego would be Tony Starch. #ShowerThoughts
In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.
For example,
Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.
Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.
What does the Catholic priest try to do during Lent?
Alter boys
What do alter boys and frat boys have in common?
r**...
I cry every time after I have s**...
It's rough being the alter boy
There was a fight at the alter yesterday
I guess you could say it was an altercation
It's strange how getting a fever can alter your perception of balance...
From my point of view the Jedi are evil.
Introducing: WaffleMan!
You'll never guess what his alter eggo is though...
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
A groom is standing at the alter with his best man
Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"
Considering the recent name changes of country music groups "The Chicks" & "Lady A" ...
... the famous paper drinking cups (the brand with the now-t**... southern-sounding name) will likely be named "Deez Cups", but only sold at "Winn-Deez" (as the grocery store chain decided to alter its name as well).
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman they must have the same landlord I do."