Alter Jokes

Following is our collection of rectory humor and confessions one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alter puns for adults, dirty tweak jokes or clean change gags for kids.

There is an abundance of adapt jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on alter. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any adjust witze you can hear about alter.

The Best jokes about Alter

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

An alterboy walks in while a priest masturbating.

The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.

Why is that Father?

Because my arm is getting tired.

Whats the best way to castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the chin


Clergy

A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar.

The priest asks, "Want to screw some alter boys?"

And the rabbi responds, "out of what?"

I broke some letters off my keyboard last night

My mood just shifted, there was no escape. I honestly just lost control. I need to alt-er these episodes of mine, these repair bills are building up quite a tab.

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem
"Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"

"That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sunday afternoon!"

One astute priest from america chuckes to himself and proclaims:
"Whenever an alter boy acts up I bring him directly to Jesus and we iron it out right there, right then."

The other priests were dumbfound as even they with all their devotion could not speak to Jesus directly! Well a year went by and the priests met up again and exclaimed the same problem with the alter boys was not getting any better. In an attempt to finally resolve their problem they confronted the American priest and asked him for advice. When the American priest spoke he did so with a sad tone in his voice and declared that Jesus had left his church shortly after last years meeting. Shocked the priests asked how this could be! The American priest told them that while he was gone Jesus was caught stealing red wine from the cellar and he had to hire a new janitor.

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,

"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"


Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it.

The taste of her hairy lap stick.

How do you castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the jaw

[Alternate Punchline Request]

I have an uncle who loves jokes. I told him a joke a long time ago that he absolutely loved. Now that he is older he has forgotten I was the one who told him and re-tells me the joke every time I go to visit him and I have to fake laugh. This time I'd like to have an alternate punchline ready to blow his mind. However, I've thought about this for a long time and have come up with nothing. Many of you are very clever so I hope you can help me out.
Here is the joke:
"Why do seagulls fly over the sea?"
"Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!"

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the 'Human Dance.'

What do you call a Superhero with a dentist alter ego?

Plaque Panther

I went to a wedding today...

I went to a wedding today, it went off without a hitch!
Poor guy, this is the second girl that left him at the alter.

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

A groom is standing at the alter with his best man

Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"


In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.

For example,

Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.

Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.

A preist and a rabbi

Are out drinking together and the preist says " lets get some alter boys to screw." and the rabbi says "out of what? "

I'm looking for as many dirty nun jokes as possible and thought maybe you guys could help me out.

Thank you and I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to ask things like this here. For your help I'll give you a nun joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an alter boy!

Alternate dimensions joke

A man learns how to go into alternate dimensions where he can become other people. He says "This is awesome, I've always wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger acting in the Terminator films, but I've also always wanted to compose classical music. So first, I'll be Bach"

How does praying lead to a blow job?

I don't know, ask an alter boy.

A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.

He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."

What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper?

Rage Upon the Latrine

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

Choochie Green was a hooker in a little town,

One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

A priest is in the confessional box...

A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."

A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."

The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."

The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for oral sex?"

The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."

Why did the catholic priest get the alter boys to sit in the snow?

So he could have a couple cold ones to slurp back after a hard days work.

Why did Yoda never get married?

Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife?" His response was "Do I?"

If a priest is selfcenteret

Would you say he has an alter ego?

Considering the recent name changes of country music groups "The Chicks" & "Lady A" ...

... the famous paper drinking cups (the brand with the now-taboo southern-sounding name) will likely be named "Deez Cups", but only sold at "Winn-Deez" (as the grocery store chain decided to alter its name as well).

What do a doctor and tailor both have in common?

They can both alter jeans.

I once had an altercation with a dealer in Vegas.

He really had a chip on his shoulder.

There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day

As she arrives and sees her husband to be....

Aisle

Alter

Him

In alternate universe, Robert De Niro was a special council assigned to investigate the election. Once his report was done,

he released the report at least 3 times, at least 3 times, at least 3 times.

In an alternate universe, the Curiosity rover launch moments after lift-off.

As the rover exploded mid air, the broken pieces of Curiosity fell back to the face of Earth and scattered across the land. Unfortunately, a particularly sharp piece just happened to impale a cat walking about outside.

They said that Curiosity killed the cat.

In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property.

It has been this way since the Down of time.

When it comes to the bedroom, I'm changing the game...

You can call me Alter Boy

In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs.

omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.

I was stood up at the alter...

The wedding went off without a hitch.

How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but they get extra credits for it

I cry every time after I have sex

It's rough being the alter boy

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

It's strange how getting a fever can alter your perception of balance...

From my point of view the Jedi are evil.

Alternative name for a sexually frustrated southern man.

a kincel.

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare's writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

What do alter boys and frat boys have in common?

Rape

In an alternate universe where Sean Connery has a gay BDSM fetish, what does he say as he switches positions with his sub boyfriend?

You're the man now, dog!

Introducing: WaffleMan!

You'll never guess what his alter eggo is though...

There was a fight at the alter yesterday

I guess you could say it was an altercation

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes