Delightful Fun Altar Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
In Catholicism, you can only have s**... with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have s**... with God.
And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.
How does a nun lose her virginity?
Dresses up as an altar boy
local parish
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
How do you castrate the pope?
Kick the altar boy in the chin.
How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity?
It's his altar ego.
A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...
...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
How do you get a Catholic Nun to have s**...?
Dress her up like an altar boy
The nun got pregnant at the Church's Halloween party.
I told her not to dress up as an altar boy...
I went to Church for the first time last week.
I asked my cousin: "So, when does the Priest do his magic trick?"
"What?"
"You know, making the altar boy disappear under his robe."
You can explore altar priest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean altar congregation dad jokes. There are also altar puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke
Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?
Why are rosary beads so small?
Because altar boys are really tight.
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
What did the priest say to the altar boy who liked chickens
c**...-a-d**...-you
The Deacon
Why did the priest tell the altar boy to clear his room?
Because he wanted to bring the d**...-in
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.
They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
so my brother noticed that his church uses girls as "altar boys"
i had to tell him that not all priests are gay.
I used to be a father...
But one of the altar boys reported me
Three guys are praying in front of the altar...
First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"
Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"
Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".
Why do priests have s**... with altar boys?
Otherwise, they're getting nun.
On her wedding day...
Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.
Aisle altar you.
A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding...
the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
You dress her up like an altar boy
Nobody is more blessed
Then the popes altar boy with allergies
I see myself in you.
Whispered the priest from behind the altar boy.
On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar
I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.
How does a nun get laid?
She dresses up like an altar boy.
I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar
I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.
Man walks into a Catholic church at night
To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.
"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"
"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a s**... joke, right?"
"O-h**...!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"
"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.
"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."
Why were the altar boys sticking their d**... in the snow?
The priest likes to have a couple of cold ones after work.
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.
I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.
Is nothing sacred?
When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...
I was touched...
'The head of the Catholic Church is far superior to the head of the Church of England'
... said Sean, the promiscuous, and disloyal Altar Boy.
How do you castrate a priest?
Punch an altar boy in the back of the head
I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest
It's his altar ego
My Sister got left at the altar on Saturday...
it's safe to say the weekend went off without a hitch.
I am so ugly that..
I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a v**...
What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?
"I got Pope in my eyes!"
Why do people's personalities change so much after marriage?
Because out comes their altar ego.
Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?
Can't say I do.
What do wine and altar boys have in common?
Catholic priests like them aged eight years
A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead
but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.
"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"
"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"
"Yeah"
"What does Father give for m**...?"
"Two snickers and a marsbar"
A priest stands up to do his sermon.
He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."
As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.
The priest continues with his sermon.
He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:
"Some of us are called useless."
Why do Priests screw altar boys
Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god
How do altar boys qualify for their job?
By o**... examination.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?
It's an altar ego.
Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?
**Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
The devil strolls into a church
Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married your sister"
Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
Detective: Dear God!
Officer: Yes, I guess so!
"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."
Detective: "Dear, God..."
Officer: "Yeah, probably."
FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)
FINALLY A QUALITY PUN
OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
Detective: Dear God !!!
OFFICER: Most likely yes
My fiance left me at the altar...
Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.
Two nuns at a Catholic Church
Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.
At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.
He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'
There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
