Altar Jokes

Following is our collection of priest humor and parishioners one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Altar puns for adults, dirty congregation jokes or clean worshippers gags for kids.

There is an abundance of aisle jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on altar. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any groom witze you can hear about altar.

The Best jokes about Altar

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.

Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?

**Psalm 81:10.**



**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest

It's his altar ego


I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

Dirty jokes

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

A Payer for Special Needs.

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."


Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity?

It's his altar ego.

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"

How do you castrate the pope?

Kick the altar boy in the chin.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

An altar boy enters the box to confess...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'


Why do priests have sex with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding...

the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"

How does a nun get laid?

She dresses up like an altar boy.

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?

You dress her up like an altar boy

How do you castrate a priest?

Punch an altar boy in the back of the head

I see myself in you.

Whispered the priest from behind the altar boy.

I am so ugly that..

I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a virgin

On her wedding day...

Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.

Aisle altar you.

In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

My Sister got left at the altar on Saturday...

it's safe to say the weekend went off without a hitch.

How do you get a Catholic Nun to have sex?

Dress her up like an altar boy

The nun got pregnant at the Church's Halloween party.

I told her not to dress up as an altar boy...

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke

Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*

How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?

Why are rosary beads so small?

Because altar boys are really tight.

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It's an altar ego.

What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?

"I got Pope in my eyes!"

Three guys are praying in front of the altar...

First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"

Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"

Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".

The hungry man in church

A hungry man goes to church and kneels down altar and starts praying. He prays out loud "Lord, please give me food"..and *THWACK* a piece of meat drops before him. The guys was so pleased and happy, he took the meat and off he went.
The second day, he comes back, and prays "Lord, please give me my meal"...and THWACK*. Extremely pleased, the man went home.
He decides to try his luck yet again and gooes back to curch and starts to pray, but it hits him to be suspicious and while he was saying "Lord, please..." He looks up...and sees a leper painting the ceiling.

How does a nun lose her virginity?

Dresses up as an altar boy

I used to be a father...

But one of the altar boys reported me

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar

I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

Man walks into a Catholic church at night

To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.

"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"

"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a stupid joke, right?"

"O-ho!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"

"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.

"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."

Nobody is more blessed

Then the popes altar boy with allergies

What did the priest say to the altar boy who liked chickens

Cock-a-diddle-you

Why were the altar boys sticking their dicks in the snow?

The priest likes to have a couple of cold ones after work.

Why do people's personalities change so much after marriage?

Because out comes their altar ego.

'The head of the Catholic Church is far superior to the head of the Church of England'

... said Sean, the promiscuous, and disloyal Altar Boy.

A priest stands up to do his sermon.

He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."

As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.

The priest continues with his sermon.

He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:

"Some of us are called useless."

How do altar boys qualify for their job?

By oral examination.

An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."

If Saturday's are for the boys.......

Then Sunday's must be for the altar boys

A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.

"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"

"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"

"Yeah"

"What does Father give for masturbation?"

"Two snickers and a marsbar"

A priest, a bishop, and a pontiff are all in a church when they came across the altar boy.

I went to Church for the first time last week.

I asked my cousin: "So, when does the Priest do his magic trick?"

"What?"

"You know, making the altar boy disappear under his robe."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes