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Altar Boy Jokes

84 altar boy jokes and hilarious altar boy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about altar boy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Altar Boy Short Jokes

Short altar boy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The altar boy humour may include short altar jokes also.

  1. When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys... I was touched...
  2. Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
  3. A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding... the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"
  4. Why do Priests screw altar boys Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god
  5. Two nuns at a Catholic Church Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
    On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.
  6. The nun got pregnant at the Church's Halloween party. I told her not to dress up as an altar boy...
  7. What's the difference between a rook and a bishop? A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
    A bishop molests altar boys.
  8. How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw the light bulb and the other to screw the altar boy in the corner!
  9. 'The head of the Catholic Church is far superior to the head of the Church of England' ... said Sean, the promiscuous, and disloyal Altar Boy.
  10. I went to Church for the first time last week. I asked my cousin: "So, when does the Priest do his magic trick?"
    "What?"
    "You know, making the altar boy disappear under his robe."

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Altar Boy One Liners

Which altar boy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with altar boy? I can suggest the ones about priest and altar boy and amber.

  1. How do you castrate the pope? Kick the altar boy in the chin.
  2. How does a nun get laid? She dresses up like an altar boy.
  3. What do wine and altar boys have in common? Catholic priests like them aged eight years
  4. How do you castrate a priest? Punch an altar boy in the back of the head
  5. How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun? You dress her up like an altar boy
  6. I see myself in you. Whispered the priest from behind the altar boy.
  7. Why are rosary beads so small? Because altar boys are really tight.
  8. What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower? "I got Pope in my eyes!"
  9. I used to be a father... But one of the altar boys reported me
  10. How does a nun lose her virginity? Dresses up as an altar boy
  11. Nobody is more blessed Then the popes altar boy with allergies
  12. If Saturday's are for the boys....... Then Sunday's must be for the altar boys
  13. Why are altar boys' hair parted in the middle? It's not a sin 👐🧒👐
  14. What do you call an altar boy who has left the church? Prolapsed Catholic
  15. I priest emotionally scared me as a child He cheated on me with another altar boy

Priest And Altar Boy Jokes

Here is a list of funny priest and altar boy jokes and even better priest and altar boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."
  • so my brother noticed that his church uses girls as "altar boys" i had to tell him that not all priests are gay.
  • A priest, a bishop, and a pontiff are all in a church when they came across the altar boy.
  • What's the difference between concrete and a catholic priest? One is inside altar and the other one is inside altar boy.
  • Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy? **Psalm 81:10.**

    **....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
  • Why do priests have s**... with altar boys? Otherwise, they're getting nun.
  • In Catholicism, you can only have s**... with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have s**... with God. And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.
  • What did the priest say to the altar boy who liked chickens c**...-a-d**...-you
  • Why were the altar boys sticking their d**... in the snow? The priest likes to have a couple of cold ones after work.
  • The Deacon Why did the priest tell the altar boy to clear his room?
    Because he wanted to bring the d**...-in

Altar Boy Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about altar boy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bar tender jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make altar boy pranks.

Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s**... with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s**... with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

A priest walks up to his church's janitor

He then says that he has a problem - his stomach is very upset, and he has been running to the restroom all day. His problem is that the widow Mrs. Idoux is about to show up for her weekly confession, as she does every Friday at exactly 3:00. He asks the janitor to stand in for him at her confession, because Mrs. Idoux always has the same confession, carnal thoughts about a specific man. The priest says that he always gives Mrs. Idoux 10 Hail Marys and sends her on her way. The Janitor agrees, it is obvious the Priest would not ask such a thing were it unnecessary.
The Janitor steps in, and a couple minutes later, the widow Mrs. Idoux steps in to the confession booth. Mrs. Idoux says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have caved into my carnal thoughts and performed o**... s**... on a man who is not my husband." The Janitor, realizing he cannot give the same penance for carnal thoughts as o**... s**..., so he quietly steps out of the booth, calls an altar boy over, and asks "Hey, kid - what does the priest give for o**... s**...?", to which the boy replies "A coke and a snickers bar, why do you ask?"

An Italian Boy's Confession:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

An altar boy enters the box to confess...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.

The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."

How do you get a Catholic Nun to have s**...?

Dress her up like an altar boy

I wonder if the Pope has any pets...

Yeah they are called altar boys.

A priest is doing confessional and really has to go to the bathroom.

While he's in between people, he notices the janitor outside the confessional booth.

**Priest:** "Hey John, come sit in here for me for a second while I use the restroom, please."

**John the janitor:** "Yes Father, no problem."

As the janitor is waiting for the priest to return, a woman enters the confessional booth.

**Woman:** "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The janitor nervously proceeds, "What did you do?"

**Woman:** "I gave a b**... to a married man."

As the janitor is struggling to come up with how to respond, he sees an altar boy walking through the church.

**John the janitor:** "Hey Timmy, what does Father Angelo normally give for a b**...?"

**Timmy:** "A bag of chips and a coke."

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

What did the altar boy say to the Pope?

Oh God...

I was an altar boy when I was younger...

And the answer is NO

Why did the priest have s**... with the altar boy?

Better than nun.

Man walks into a Catholic church at night

To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.
"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"
"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a s**... joke, right?"
"O-h**...!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"
"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.
"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."

I am so ugly that..

I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a v**...

There is more than one Putin.

For example, altar boys often have it Putin too.

What do altar boys and biblical saints have in common?

At some point they all meet a sticky end.

How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The Catholic Church doesn't use light bulbs...they're still in the Dark Ages.

A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.
"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"
"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"
"Yeah"
"What does Father give for m**...?"
"Two snickers and a marsbar"

How do altar boys qualify for their job?

By o**... examination.

One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."

During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.

At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.
He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'
There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally."