Alright Jokes

130 alright jokes and hilarious alright puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alright that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Alright Short Jokes

Short alright jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alright humour may include short understood jokes also.

  1. I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though. He said "Alright, I'll write all right."
  2. "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
  3. A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
  4. A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
  5. My Southern friends are like "K"s they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist
  6. "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what?
    "Bond Name's the james"
    Are you alright?
    "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
  7. I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.
  8. Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ? Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
  9. I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."
    He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
  10. Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?" Crowd: (*Cheers*)
    Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

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Alright One Liners

Which alright one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alright? I can suggest the ones about cool and agreed.

  1. Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
  2. Americas curve is flattening alright. Just vertically instead of horizontally.
  3. I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome... In fact, I'm down with it.
  4. A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
  5. So someone threw a can of soda at me today. I'm alright though it was a soft drink.
  6. "Talk dirty to me!"she begged. "Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
  7. A waiter walks up to a group of Jewish women and asks... "Is anything alright?"
  8. A waitress approaches a table full of jews. She asks, "is anything alright?"
  9. Two satellite get married The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!
  10. Is it alright to kiss a nun? Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.
  11. Did you hear about the man that lost the whole left side of his body? He's alright now.
  12. A plant fell on my head... I'm alright though, it was no big dill.
  13. Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered. Alright then, keep your sea crits.
  14. Had my first ever seizure today. I was pretty shaken up, but I'm alright now.
  15. You wanna hear a Van Gogh joke? Alright... Ear goes.

Alright joke, You wanna hear a Van Gogh joke? Alright...

Laughter Alright Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about alright you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alright pranks.

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"
The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."
The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"

My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a......
...." the bear says.
"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
He became a m**... pad.

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Frank's wife goes missing

Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"
"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."
"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.
"Yeah I know right. I had to buy all her stuff back from the thrift shop this afternoon."

At the Doctor

A man is at the doctor for his physical.
The doctor says, "Alright, just pull down your pants so I can have a look."
The man does as instructed.
The doctor says, "You should stop m**...."
The man ask's, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "So I can start the exam."

Three stat professors were out hunting...

...when they came upon a deer by a river.
The first professor fired his rifle, and the shot went three feet to the left.
The second professor fired, and the shot went 3 feet to the right.
The third stood and exclaimed "Alright! We got him!"

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew.
No? Alright.. I'll see myself out.

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...
-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.
-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!
The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?

3 statisticians go hunting

They see a deer. The first statistician shoots, but his shot misses by a foot to the left. The second statistician shoots, but her shot misses by a foot to the right. The third statistician says "Alright, we got it!"

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A young Saudi prince studying abroad...

A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

A man asked a priest for a name change..

"Hello Father, i would like to change my name please." the man said.
"Alright, what is your current name sir?" the priest asked.
"Bob h**...", the man said.
"Oh lord, i understand. What would you like to change your name to?" the priest asked.
"John h**...".

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"

So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

My wife didn't finish her morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.
"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"
"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"
"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"
"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, j**...?

My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.

"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the n**... ones."

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you s**... cow".

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bar tender looks at him for a few seconds and finally says " alright, you can stay..just don't start anything"

I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is.

Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"
Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

A kid walks into a bar...

A man told the kid, "I did your mom last night."
The kid said, "Alright dad, its time to go home."

I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"
The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"
She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."
The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

A man applies for a job as a police officer.

The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

A n**... lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her p**... area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"

So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
*"Okay, what next?"*

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I f**... alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.
After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter c**....
George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.
Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.
16 chickens, sir.
Alright, round them up, please.
20 chickens, sir.

Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"

Three boys are fighting at the zoo

The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."
The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."
The third boy says: "My name is Peanuts."

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"
"Soda," goes the weasel.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds
"I'm a h**..., are you interested?"
The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.
Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.
"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"
The man answers "I'm having s**... with my wife"
The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."
The man responds with "Me neither."

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was in a cinema. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son! Detector: Beep.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another s**...-Doo quote.

My last words to her were Alright, let's split up gang.

A s**... bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

A s**... bomber instructor says to his trainees

Alright men, I'm only going to show you this once

Alright joke, A s**... bomber instructor says to his trainees

jokes about alright