Alright Jokes

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"

The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."

The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

Frank's wife goes missing

Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"

"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."

"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.

"Yeah I know right. I had to buy all her stuff back from the thrift shop this afternoon."

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

A man asked a priest for a name change..

"Hello Father, i would like to change my name please." the man said.

"Alright, what is your current name sir?" the priest asked.

"Bob h**...", the man said.

"Oh lord, i understand. What would you like to change your name to?" the priest asked.

"John h**...".

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.

"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.

"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"

So someone threw a can of soda at me today.

I'm alright though it was a soft drink.

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?

Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.

Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, j**...?

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you s**... cow".

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—

Alright officer, we'll do it

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is.

Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"

Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister".

Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Alright. You're ugly."

A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!"

I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it.

A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"

The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"

She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."

The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

A man applies for a job as a police officer.

The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.

The man replies: Why the squirrel?

The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter c**....

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.

16 chickens, sir.

Alright, round them up, please.

20 chickens, sir.

My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?"

Crowd: (*Cheers*)

Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."

 

I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another s**...-Doo quote.

My last words to her were Alright, let's split up gang.

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts

"Hey are you a caiman?"



"I'm alright, thanks kid!" He replies

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up. The man replies Morning or afternoon? The dealer says Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make? The man replies Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.

The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.

Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.

Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

Speaking of a big fat b**...!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat, she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth."

Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.

Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.

"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."

A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My b**... just ain't right the past few days." he says.

"Alright," says the doctor.

"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."

The guy does so, points and says,

"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."

The doctor is taken back and says,

"Well... I believe it is hurting because you just called it the entrance"

Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?

Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.

Alright, thanks dad..

No problem Alan!

Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty

Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em

Next day:

Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?

Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get

Alright, whatever you say

Day after:

Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner

Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?

Grandpa: sure!

Grandpa opens the door

C'MERE COLD WATER!

(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)

A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.

The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."

"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.

"The morgue." replies the doctor.

"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"

"It's a long hallway."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

A lawyer is driving his Ferrari...

...when suddenly he loses control and drives straight into a tree. A few moments later, another man pulls up beside him and asks him if he is alright.

"My Ferrari!" Cries the lawyer, "Its gone!"

The man says to him, "You're so focused on your supercar that you haven't noticed that your whole left arm is gone!"

The lawyer looks at what used to be his arm, screams in agony and at the top of his lungs yells;

"MY ROLEX!!!"

A blonde went to buy new shoes

The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.

She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day.

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

Dentist

A man came to dentist to check his teeth. After the examination the dentist said that everything was alright, but asked the man for a favor.

\- No problem. What favor?

\- Could you please now start screaming at the top of your lungs?

\- But why? I feel no pain, and you say all is fine?

\- Look! There are 10 people waiting behind this door, and I'm in a rush to get to a soccer game on time!

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat, she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

A man went to his doctor

Doctor: I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?

Man: I'd like to hear the good news first.

Doctor: alright, you still have a week left to live.

Man: how about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you last week.

It was the 117th birthday of the oldest man in the country, so a reporter went to interview him.

The old man looked really young, like a 60 year old. The reporter, surprised, asked him:
- Whoah, what's your secret to live so long and look so young?
- It's really easy sir, I never argue with idiots.
- Haha! That can't be the reason.
- Alright, alright, that's not the reason.

The wife walks up to the husband.

"Honey, the car won't start. There's water in the carburetor."

The husband sneers, "Do you even know what a carburetor is?... Alright where's the car"

"In the pond."