Aloud Jokes

Following is our collection of loud humor and chant one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aloud puns for adults, dirty voice jokes or clean read gags for kids.

There is an abundance of openly jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 40 funniest jokes on aloud. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any whisper witze you can hear about aloud.

The Best jokes about Aloud

What do cows drink joke

Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.

What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?

So what do cows drink?

What do you call a fish with four eyes?

Fiiiish.

Clearly the joke is better when said aloud.

There are three skunks. Mama, In, and Out.

In always stays inside, and Out always stays outside.

One day In went out and Out went in.

Mama soon called for the boys, but only Out came.

"Go find your brother." she ordered.

Out came back with In in less than five minutes.

"How did you do it so fast?" Mama asked.

Out simply replied, "Instincts."



(if you dont get it, read it aloud.)

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist.

(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

Old man, his doctor, and the prostitute

An old man goes to the doctor, bringing with him what is clearly a prostitute. He tells the doctor I'd like you to watch my friend and I having sex. The Doctor is puzzled at first but reasons aloud, Well, sex at your advanced age can be challenging. Alright. Go for it. The old man lays down, and the woman services him.

As the old man starts buttoning his pants the doctor is puzzled again. All you did was lay there. You didn't need my opinion. Do you just enjoy being watched?

And the old man replied, No, nothing like that. To be honest, it was either $100 for a hotel room or a $15 copay.


My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.

Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:

You listen to an audio book that is 8 hours of silence.

At the very end, the narrator says Oh, aloud?

A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter

"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."

the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.

"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.

"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids

A Man Walks Into A Bar.....(Read this one aloud)

A man is working his job as a bartender one night. A man comes into the bar and sits down near him. He pulls a tiny piano and a 12 inch man out of his shirt, and begins to listen as the little man plays piano. The bartender says, "That's amazing! Where did you meet this guy?" The man responds, "Oh, a genie gave him to me. He's down the street right now, giving out free wishes".So the bartender took his break, and went down the street to meet the genie. The man found a person sitting on the street and asked if he was the genie. "Yeah" said the genie. The bartender immediately said "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flew out of the sky and began attacking him. He ran back to the bar, where the other man was drinking his beer. "That genie sucked! I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!" The man looked at the bartender and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Melania Trumps RNC speech just leaked on live TV

It was read aloud by Michelle Obama.

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."

So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"

"Lower!" she says.

\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"


I vacationed to an island for the deaf

The people there enjoyed all the rights of any of us, but the freedom of speech was not aloud

George bush was attending a morning press conference...

Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"

"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.

A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?"

Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"

We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!

*Works better said aloud.

How to catch a bear

Note: Best when told aloud

First you have to go some place cold, where bears live. Find an ice lake and make a big hole in it, deep enough to where a bear could not escape. Then you go to the store and buy some frozen peas. Scatter the peas all around the hole and then hide near the hole. Now you just wait until a bear comes to take a pea and you kick him in the ice hole.

Lil' Rascals

read aloud for best effect ...
Teacher stands in front of the class full of the Lil' Rascals.
She asks Darla to spell dictate.
Darla, "dictate: d-i-k-t-a-t. Dictate."
Sorry Darla that is incorrect.
Teacher asks Buckwheat.
Buckwheat says, "dictate: d-i-c-t-a-t-e. Dictate."
"very good Buckwheat," says the teacher. "now can you use it in a sentence?"
"Sure," says Buckwheat, "Darla says my dictate good"

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,What's that smell?'
I say, "Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.'

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside....

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside of a deli when a nicely-dressed, affluent young boy walks past them. The Priest looks at the boy and whispers aloud "Wow, I'd love to screw that boy". The rabbi leans over, nodding in agreement and asks "Out of what?".

WiFi on the plane

Hello miss flight attendant, the elderly man said

I am sorry to bother you, but the internet is dead

Sir, don't you worry, the internet's not slain

You have to understand, there's no WiFi on a plane

'Yes 'mam, I know my stuff, he angrily yelled aloud

Being high up here, I've got to work in the cloud


How do you tell a chemist from a syndicated worker?

You ask them to read "unionize" aloud.

The Florist

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

Just where do you think you going? she asked.

What do you mean? I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: Thanks for putting up with me. So long.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Better if you say this aloud.

A Chinese businessman is entertaining his guest from England

Each time the Chinese lifts the glass, the says to his English associate: Kan Pei! 干杯 (Cheers)

The Englishman is stunned, but he continues eating.

It keeps recurring, each time the Chinese wants to drink, he exclaims: Kan Pei!

Finally, the English puts down his cutlery and says aloud to his Chinese associate: It's alright if you CAN'T PAY! I will! Now, shut up and eat!!

A blind woman walked towards a well,

Went over the edge, slipped and fell.

In the gathering crowd

A clear voice said aloud

"She simply could not see that well!"

Not quite heaven

A skydiver jumps out of the plane, and passes through a layer of heavy winds where he is blown way off course. He crashes into a tree, and is knocked unconscious. When he awakes, he is surrounded by a number of beautiful, naked women. In the distance he sees a sign that says heaven.

Thinking to himself that he must have died, he says aloud, heaven is more beautiful than I imagined, then he hears a voice behind him. He turns to see a older naked male who says to him, "This isn't heaven, this is Heavenly Shores Nudist Camp, and you're not a member."

I asked a hippy if he wanted to leave the party we were at. Know what he told me?

Nah, imma stay.

(Works better if you read it aloud)

What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play?

House.

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on all their ships?

So when they get back to port they can scan-de-navy-in.

Say it aloud if you don't get it

Panda

Two guys are walking in a bamboo forest when the spot a panda. One says to the other "Dude, that panda just ate an entire bamboo shoot!" The panda then pulls out a gun and shoots the one man. The other man says "Why did you shoot my friend?" The panda tosses him an encyclopedia and says "I'm a panda, look it up." The panda bear walks off as the man skims through the pages. He finds the panda entry and reads it aloud. "Panda Bear: Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

I consider you a female sheep

Gotta say it aloud.

*ewe

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

How to sound Australian.

Say "good eye might" aloud.

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "

Courtroom

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror
sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f* you like you've never been f*ed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!"
ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

What do soldiers wear on weekends?

Casual t-shirts

Say it aloud if you don't get it

A quote best read aloud..

*"I really hate small trees. I hold many prejudiced opinions about them"*

**- Bigger tree**

Why aren't the seven dwarves aloud into bars?

Because they're miners. 😎

Italian Wedding Invitation (must be read aloud, including punctuation marks)

**You, wedding Rosa mister.**

Phillip Hughes was the first Australian to die from elbola. (Might need to be said aloud to work)

One day Papa bear came downstairs to eat his dinner...

**"WHO HAS ATE MY SOUP"** ,he bellowed as he had seen that his plate before him empty. Little bear came downstairs as well and to his shock, his bowl was empty too. "WHO ATE FROM *MY* BOWL?", he pondered aloud. At this point mama bear came out of the kitchen and replied," What do you guys mean 'who has ate from my soup?' I haven't even gotten serve it yet!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes