Alot Jokes

Alot of people in tough situations say "What would Jesus　do?"

Jesus was nailed to a cross and killed by his own people for the things he did. I'm not 100% sure that he's the best person to look to for decision making advice.

Say what you want about the Aztecs....

... but they have alot of heart.
(i'm not funny)

A northern californian sees alot of helicopters in the sky...

...he turns to his friend and says, "Hella Copters"

What did the Cryptologist have for breakfast?

Hash with alot of Salt

So the business man turned into a priest...

He talks alot about his new profit!

I spent alot of my days trying to grow a specific seasoning in my garden

it took forever, but once it finally produced, i had the thyme of my life.

A good Martini is alot like a baby, you need to shake it really hard before you consume it.

When using the equation Y=1-T to understand how citizens react to changes in taxation...what happens when T>1?

Alot of T gets dumped in a harbor

In my town alot of people are mean...

It's pretty average for them.

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?

let me be your *soil*mate

There sure are alot of the_Donald posts on the front page

It sure makes me glad that 14 year olds can't vote.

I have always hated shopping for clothes because my mom would always hit me alot with a coathanger as a child

Then i was born

My friend works at a circumcision clinic

I asked him if he charges alot for his circumcisions
He said "No, I just keep the tips."

I make spelling mistakes alot

and when I say alot I mean a lot.

Why do some people cough alot?

Because they drink to much coughee.

There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood...

When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?

Michael Jackson had alot of good songs...

But his best ones were when he was in A Minor

How do we know Jesus was an English university student?

He traveled alot
He had a group of mates he traveled with
And it took him 3 days to get out of bed after massive party with a lads.

There were alot of forest fires in 2016

You could say last year was pretty lit

"You can make alot of money nowadays by being a Shepherd and taking care of herds of Sheep. What do you think about that?!"

"Meh"

Thanks alot Kendrick Lamar!!!

Now whenever I tell my kids to "Sit Down!" when they are acting up in public, they reply with "Be Humble!"

Saw a gentleman with a Christmas walking stick

Saw a gentleman with a Christmas themed walking stick, covered in tinsel and alot of tree lights, I complimented the man on the festiveness of the stick.
He turned and said "Yes well usually I have difficulty with my stick being a bit too heavy but this is the only time of the year it's light"..

What happened when the musician gave all the soldiers instruments instead of guns?

There was no war, just alot of violins

My advisor told me I should try and study abroad

Best decision I ever made. She taught me alot about myself.

Historically as a big corporation the best investment we've made is in our people.

Unfortunately we lost alot of money when this investment was outlawed.

Violent Video Games are alot like Landscaping..

a whole lot of mowing through stuff with a few patches here and there

so a train station noticed that alot of the passengers where either musicians or gardeners.

so they decided that in order to cater to these people, they would decorate the station with metrognomes

Alot of people don't know the difference between a religion and a cult

One has a negative connotation and the other is a cult

I used to eat alot of natural foods.

Until I found out that many people die of natural causes.

There's alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.

But I think people should Romaine calm.

Hiring a (insert race here) is alot like Russian roulette only 1 in 8 actually work

ba-dum-tss

My favrouite song shifts alot, sometimes it pop and another time its classical.

I guess that finally makes me a player then.

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

Which country makes alot of jam?

Jamaica

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

My dad uses to tell this joke alot

There was once a man named Odd. He was very embarresed by his name and didn't want anyone to know about it. When he died he had no name written on his gravestone.
One day a bunch of tourists came to his town and visited the graveyard where they came across a gravestone with no name on it.
"That's Odd!" He said

Alot of people have been hitting at Targets lately.

I see people like archery now.

A Horse goes into a bar...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender says "You know, you are in here quite alot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am...." and promptly vanishes from existence.
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>!See, this was a famous joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy "I think, therefore I am". But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke it would of been putting Descartes before the horse.!<

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pizzas? and the staff tell him: yes we actually do have! and the guy tell them: wow! thats alot of pizzas

Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, are you gay? and that she's worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my sexuality that i can appreciate the beauty of male aesthetics as well?
All this reflection got me thinking, and i had to reach out to my ex and ask if he ever had the feeling that i was gay, turns out, he didn't!